I hate being a mum

[PlatinumOrchid]

I was a single mum with little support from ex. He chose to take a job overseas when we separated and live his own life, doing his own thing.

I, in the meantime, sacrificed my career, finance and social life. I have two adult kids and one older teen. I have had conflicts with all of them. Despite me being the only parent who has supported them, I get disrespected. I get spoken to like I'm a piece of garbage and when I try to address issues, I get made to feel like I'm chasing my own tail in an endless battle of defence and excuses. They make excuses for disrespectful behaviour and I'm at the end of my tether.

I recently returned to study to get the degree I had to sacrifice when I became a mum. To chase a dream job that I may not get now that I'm older. I feel like I've sacrificed my whole life, for what? to get additional stress? to say I've had kids? What exactly is the pay off? I lost valuable years I could have spent on myself but didn't because I thought putting the kids first was the right thing to do. I just don't understand why we run ourselves into the ground with stress to raise ungrateful kids who couldn't care less if we are okay or not.

I was asked by my adult daughter, what was a good age to think about kids and I told her don't. I said just do your own thing, it's easier. If I could go back, I would never have kids. I never wanted them. I was raised in a family where finding a partner and becoming a stay-at-home mum was the norm. I did that and felt so unfulfilled. I always had ambition though. Not saying you can't be an ambitious parent, you can. In my case though, looking after 3 kids with little external support was just too time consuming to do anything else.

For most of my youngest sons life I worked in a casual role which allowed for the time off I needed to do school pick ups/drop offs/sick days/school holidays etc but there was no career progression. I was kept financially disadvantaged. When I would talk to people about how empty I felt, they'd reply with "you've raised kids, that's the hardest job there is". Like it's some sort of flex. My point is I don't see the value in being a parent. They take from us until there's nothing left, then wipe their feet on us and complain. Anyone else feel like this?

I really get your point. You feel you've wasted your life bringing up ungrateful brats, From their point of view, however, they never asked to be born. You gave birth to them, and it was your responsibility to raise them.

Edited for punctuation.

This " I didn't ask to be born so I owe you nothing" is a Western way of parenting that I, personally, will never accept.

I didn’t ask to be born is the ultimate in not taking responsibility for anything you do in life. It seems it has become a more frequently quoted get out from people who don’t wish to take personal responsibility, no one asks to be born, not me and not you, it is a whiny, juvenile, self indulgent excuse for poor behaviour.

Their disrespect for you is what is really coming through from your post. Are they adults? If so my advice is to drop the rope. Let them start figuring stuff out on their own. We had a rough patch at one stage and starting giving in a lot to our kids. They started behaving like entitled little shits. We pulled back from that level of effort on their behalf and like magic the entitlement went. Now things are great again so hopefully in time you get them sans a nice relationship with them.

@Sofiewoo’s posts (here and elsewhere) seem unduly haughty. Perhaps she was having a bad day herself, but even so… there’s no need to be quite so dismissive. She suggested I had made a “strange assumption”. It wasn’t an assumption because it was based on the original post by@PlatinumOrchid, and I don’t understand what was “strange” about what I wrote.

God I feel your pain my son 23 shows very little respect in a one wage household how hard it is he's lived with me rent free and I even buy his food he works 8 to 16 hours in a shop, supposed to be looking for a full time job but computer gamrs see to come before job applications, as of this week after him saying he wants to quit his job no more, rent free maybe but from now on he buys his own food, does he own laundry has no respect for me speaks to me like shite and I've decided No More 👍

Good god, this.

What a terrible thing to say to your child op. With that attitude towards them I'm not sure you have a right to expect much back tbh.

Your children don’t have to be grateful you had them and raised them. That was your choice. You do deserve respect though, what consequences do you give for disrespectful behaviour?
You need clear, concise boundaries. But also do you have fun with them? Are you a part of their lives?

Yeah I agree. I read where you said you never wanted children OP, you did it because it was what society expected of you. This would have had a huge influence on their relationship with you and vice versa. It would have been a key element

Yep this stood out for me too. That's a really nasty thing to say to your dd. I'm also sure that if she does have kids she'll never expect you to have much to do with them - which is sad really. Your dcs know they were unwanted, why would they show you any respect when you haven't shown them any? You could at least tell them you still love them unconditionally even though your life didn't turn out the way you wanted it to. I feel very sorry for them. You have a bad attitude.

How old are your DCs. There are many years after they’ve left home when they arent your responsibility but are fun and interesting.
I spent a lot of time on my own with DCs and DH was working away. He has a brother with failed marriages and no kids. I suddenly realised several decades ago that DBIL had always done what he wanted, eaten what he wanted, watched what he wanted. Seemed unimaginable when you’ve spent your time with children.
But he’s older now, not very fit, alone. My life was better.

I profoundly disagree with this. Learning gratitude is important. Children should recognize and respect and be grateful for what their parents do. Parents should express gratitude for what their children do. Gratitude is one of the bedrocks of successful relationships. Kids need to learn it to be successful in their own lives.

And with three kids and zero external
support it’s nigh on impossible to build a successful career as a single parent. We recently had an ‘inspirational talk’ from a woman who did. But she did have support. . She was honest about the fact that her kids were neglected whilst she studied and worked and her sister came in take care of her kids whilst she built her career. In fact I have been recently to two other ‘inspirational’ women talks and the same pattern. The people who got put on the back burner whilst they built their careers were the kids. One was even honest that she chose to put her kids in boarding school so she could pursue her career.

So no, these were not ‘free’ choices, OP was limited by very constrained circumstances. The feel good movie idea that anyone can overcome any amount of obstacles by sheer will is just untrue.

You are so right, it's basically utter shit, living under house arrest and cleaning up another human's shit, piss and puke for years on end wile the father fucks off and does what he wants. I'm lucky in that DH is a high earner but I had to leave a job I loved in London to move abroad when I had DC.

Really?
If the op had a very supportive partner she may have been able to try and have a career and three children, but if you actually read her post you will see she didn’t.

A pretty common assumption, I think!

Sounds like the patriarchy speaking.

Family therapy, to try to make work the emotional, physical and financial calamity, along with a loss of self that being the mother caused. The lens in family therapy might be on the mother. Maybe the op has enough.

Get lost you weirdo. Giving her some POSITIVE advice

I have been misunderstood I think. I've been in the OPs situation and didn't see how family therapy is worth it when the kids are grown and you have already been depleted, ground down and exhausted by the family life you are now encouraged to try to save.

I said it sounds like the patriarchy speaking because in my case at least, that would have been more work and a lost cause which might all be blamed on mother for not being nurturing enough. Maybe she could do with a break from it all. I'm on her side.

I think that many adults, (men and women alike) are completely unaware of the seismic life shift they are going to experience/undertake when they become parents. Everyone thinks they know exactly what they'll do, how it will feel and look, and how they'll do it, until of course, it actually happens and reality turns every last thing they thought they knew upside down and decimates life as it was previously known. I think the struggle is all the more difficult if you are still carrying around unresolved traumas from your own childhood, and it is unfair of people who have not walked a mile in another's shoes to judge a mother (let's be honest the bulk of the parenting shit-show lands almost entirely on the shoulders of the woman) for feeling utterly desperate, miserable, despairing and hopeless with the weight of being a parent. Men can pack up and leave a woman alone to raise children all by herself, and create any life they want to with whomever they chose, without a moments hesitation and they are not lambasted or brought to justice for it!!! If a woman did they same she may as well be stoned to death for the life-long vitriol she would receive. Women drop the judgement already and support your fellow females god knows they need it more than ever in this increasingly cold, misogynistic world.

Glad it's all working out well for you
I raised my son alone and always worked ft since he was a baby.
Sadly,, I didn't get a happy ending

I think this is really cultural. It really depends on the norms of where you raise children.

I live in France and my kids were born and raised here. Maternity leave is 13 weeks. Everyone goes back to work at 13 weeks.

Childcare is good and subsidized and works so that you can go back to a real job with real hours.

School starts at 3 and for the first 3 years they all nap in the afternoons.

if parents want to go out til 4am they do and the kids sleep where they are. So on a parents lap or in a corner or whatever.

By making it all about the kids we do the kids and ourselves no favours.

I got to 40 and started a company and the kids were relatively helpful with it.

I got to to 50 and they were finally independent enough for me to retrain and back out of being helpful almost entirely. They were independent, competent and ready to leave home by 18. And I was so done with daily parenting.

3/4 have successfully launched. Just one 16 yo left and he will move out just before his 18th bday to an apartment and an apprenticeship.

i have to agree, your relationship doesnt sound good
and they know you resent them

Well I'm assuming that when she decided to have children she had no idea her ex would then piss off abroad and leave her to raise 3 children on her own..

I honestly find you amazing raising 3 kids , worked, have not lost study skills and did not starve....

You are great

I have only 1, husband is bread winner, driver, helps with housework and I'm fully deflated ....love my child but nearing 50 and plain happy to just be deflated

Absolutely not strange. They've been taking her for granted