I hate being a mum

[PlatinumOrchid]

I was a single mum with little support from ex. He chose to take a job overseas when we separated and live his own life, doing his own thing.

I, in the meantime, sacrificed my career, finance and social life. I have two adult kids and one older teen. I have had conflicts with all of them. Despite me being the only parent who has supported them, I get disrespected. I get spoken to like I'm a piece of garbage and when I try to address issues, I get made to feel like I'm chasing my own tail in an endless battle of defence and excuses. They make excuses for disrespectful behaviour and I'm at the end of my tether.

I recently returned to study to get the degree I had to sacrifice when I became a mum. To chase a dream job that I may not get now that I'm older. I feel like I've sacrificed my whole life, for what? to get additional stress? to say I've had kids? What exactly is the pay off? I lost valuable years I could have spent on myself but didn't because I thought putting the kids first was the right thing to do. I just don't understand why we run ourselves into the ground with stress to raise ungrateful kids who couldn't care less if we are okay or not.

I was asked by my adult daughter, what was a good age to think about kids and I told her don't. I said just do your own thing, it's easier. If I could go back, I would never have kids. I never wanted them. I was raised in a family where finding a partner and becoming a stay-at-home mum was the norm. I did that and felt so unfulfilled. I always had ambition though. Not saying you can't be an ambitious parent, you can. In my case though, looking after 3 kids with little external support was just too time consuming to do anything else.

For most of my youngest sons life I worked in a casual role which allowed for the time off I needed to do school pick ups/drop offs/sick days/school holidays etc but there was no career progression. I was kept financially disadvantaged. When I would talk to people about how empty I felt, they'd reply with "you've raised kids, that's the hardest job there is". Like it's some sort of flex. My point is I don't see the value in being a parent. They take from us until there's nothing left, then wipe their feet on us and complain. Anyone else feel like this?

I agree with @Meadowfinch. Seize the day and don’t look back, what’s done is done.

I hoped for that from my DCs after I was a SAHM for their early school years, but did start my career when they started secondary school. I also divorced their DF after years of cheating and abuse.

The youngest DC (late 30s) has become a well rounded adult who is easy to be around. The eldest (40s) seems to find life hard and we still fight and argue. I try so hard to avoid the clashes but I spend most of our time together trying to second guess eldest DCs mood, reactions and never seem to do anything right. I feel constantly like I’m walking on egg shells. Both my DCs have done well in their chosen professions, found great spouses and have lovely DCs of their own.

I crave a calmer more adult relationship with both my DCs but can’t seem to achieve that with my eldest. After all this time, I fear that we never will get along.

I was surprised by this persistence childish attitude too. When challenging it, was firmly put in my place and informed that ‘children’s’ brains don’t fully develop until they are mid-twenties. Funny how they seem to want all the perks of adulthood without any of the responsibilities.

Op your kids should never hear anything other than ‘I’m so lucky to have you’. Read back your op and imagine your parents had said it to you. Sorry everything has been so hard for you

You chose to be a parent and so therefore signed up for what it involved, children don’t need to be grateful just because you did what was expected.
Go get your degree and your dream job and stop dwelling on the choices you made when you were younger.

I wonder what your daughter made of you telling her not to bother having kids because they aren’t worth it. Have you also told her you never wanted them, and that you hate being a mum? I’m not having a go, I just wonder whether your kids feeling unwanted/unloved might be why your relationship with them is so bad.

Surely whatever regrets you might privately have about your lost career opportunities etc, the only thing your children should be told is how much you love them. It’s not their fault they were born.

I feel sorry for your kids tbh - they will have picked up on your hate and resentment. You're obviously having a bad day. Tomorrow, scrape yourself up from the floor, stop being such a victim and do something positive and meaningful for the future years you have remaining on this earth.

Did you miss the part where the OP is a single mum because the ex was not around? How do you expect her to follow her ambitions as a single mum with financial constraints and all the parenting responsibilities.
And just because she chose to have 3 kids doesn’t mean her kids get to treat her like trash.
You sound like a holier-than-thou, stuck-up, know-it-all.
Do you have nothing better to do than troll people with nasty comments like someone else mentioned. Pull your head in.

OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s not uncommon for mums to make children their lives, invest all their love and finances and sacrifice so much of themselves for their kids (as parents should) only to feel resentful because their kids take it all for granted while disrespecting their parents by treating them like trash and then expecting more from us.
My teenager is like this - and the more love and kindness and understanding I show them, the more they take it for granted.
And when you try to set firm, reasonable, boundaries and consequences, they act like you’re the devil incarnate and treat you even worse. We can’t win.
Once they’re 18, I’ll be asking mine to leave unless they can treat me with respect and kindness - the way they were raised.
Just know you’re not alone in feeling this way.

Kindly . . . Why did you have kids if you never wanted any? What did you think would happen if you didn't have them?