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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Feel like I’m losing my son a little.

60 replies

user1469800934 · 07/06/2025 14:52

My son is 21, my only child. We have always been very close. We go on trips together, we go out for meals together often and also with my husband. (His dad)

When he first moved to go to Uni, I was upset. But now, honestly it’s ok. My husband and I are enjoying our time together and I quite like a tidy house! 🤣

But recently I find he is very slow at replying to messages, And even though he shares house with his GF at Uni (she moved there to be with him) he often stays at her house. When he used to live being home. Her house is a lot different to ours. We are house proud and like things tidy and expect him to tidy up after himself.

He says he misses us and looking forward to seeing us but sometimes I think it’s more the fact that everything is free at home. We pay all his bills too, car/phone/food and his uni accommodation. Which he is very grateful for and tells us all the time. He’s also super loving towards us.

I could be being over sensitive and perimenopauseal!!!

Just hoping to hear any similar situations or advice really.

OP posts:
Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 14:55

Her house is a lot different to ours. We are house proud and like things tidy and expect him to tidy up after himself.

”her” house is “their” house
so if it’s messy, it’s on them both

would I be right thinking you and the GF are not…. Best buddies?!

Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 14:55

What’s his plan for post graduation?

Original poster
user1469800934 · 07/06/2025 15:00

Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 14:55

Her house is a lot different to ours. We are house proud and like things tidy and expect him to tidy up after himself.

”her” house is “their” house
so if it’s messy, it’s on them both

would I be right thinking you and the GF are not…. Best buddies?!

Sorry, I meant her Mother’s house. She (the mother) doesn’t work, sleeps until lunchtine and doesn’t keep the house tidy. I think my son likes going there because he can do the same,?!

I don’t dislike her. In fact I go out of my way to be welcoming to her. I make her favourite foods and buy her small gifts when she stays here.

OP posts:
IfIDid · 07/06/2025 15:02

Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 14:55

Her house is a lot different to ours. We are house proud and like things tidy and expect him to tidy up after himself.

”her” house is “their” house
so if it’s messy, it’s on them both

would I be right thinking you and the GF are not…. Best buddies?!

I assumed that that house was the girlfriend’s parents’ house, not their shared houseshare, but maybe I’m wrong…?

Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 15:02

user1469800934 · 07/06/2025 15:00

Sorry, I meant her Mother’s house. She (the mother) doesn’t work, sleeps until lunchtine and doesn’t keep the house tidy. I think my son likes going there because he can do the same,?!

I don’t dislike her. In fact I go out of my way to be welcoming to her. I make her favourite foods and buy her small gifts when she stays here.

Show quote history

I thought his GF moved with him to uni? So that was also where her mother lives?

Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 15:02

Oh you’re saying when he’s back for the holidays he stays with his GF’s mother?

Original poster
user1469800934 · 07/06/2025 15:03

Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 15:02

I thought his GF moved with him to uni? So that was also where her mother lives?

Show quote history

Only during Uni term time

OP posts:
CarpetKnees · 07/06/2025 15:03

I've read it twice, but can't really understand what you are asking us.

Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 15:03

user1469800934 · 07/06/2025 15:00

Sorry, I meant her Mother’s house. She (the mother) doesn’t work, sleeps until lunchtine and doesn’t keep the house tidy. I think my son likes going there because he can do the same,?!

I don’t dislike her. In fact I go out of my way to be welcoming to her. I make her favourite foods and buy her small gifts when she stays here.

Show quote history

“I don’t dislike her”

but you don’t like her?

and your son has told you these details about his GF’s mother?

When will he graduate?

sesquipedalian · 07/06/2025 15:04

OP, your son is growing up. If he is able to go out into the world, forge relationships and lead his own life, then you have done your parenting job well. Of course he will always be your much loved and dear only son, but it is perfectly normal for him to make new relationships, and in the fullness of time to start his own family, at which point you will become the DGM. I think there is a point during their twenties when our children are simply busy leading their own lives and getting established in the world - then they settle down, and come back a little. You want your DS to be independent and to lead his own life - and it is a little sad, but absolutely the order of things. Be happy that your son seems happy and is getting on with his life.

Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 15:04

This is confusing!!

Original poster
user1469800934 · 07/06/2025 15:06

sesquipedalian · 07/06/2025 15:04

OP, your son is growing up. If he is able to go out into the world, forge relationships and lead his own life, then you have done your parenting job well. Of course he will always be your much loved and dear only son, but it is perfectly normal for him to make new relationships, and in the fullness of time to start his own family, at which point you will become the DGM. I think there is a point during their twenties when our children are simply busy leading their own lives and getting established in the world - then they settle down, and come back a little. You want your DS to be independent and to lead his own life - and it is a little sad, but absolutely the order of things. Be happy that your son seems happy and is getting on with his life.

Thank you, I guess I just wanted reassurance that this is normal to feel this way. It’s all new and I find myself missing that little boy sometimes!

OP posts:
LJShaw · 07/06/2025 15:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PermanentTemporary · 07/06/2025 15:13

My precious only boy is 21, at uni and has a girlfriend. I would say we love each other dearly but I don't struggle with the idea of not being with him so much at the moment. 21 is proper grown up, he should be spreading his wings, travelling, experimenting. I message him perhaps once in the week plus weekly phone call. He doesn't always respond to messages straight away, the last one took about 4 days. That's fine, if anything is really urgent I ring him.

I miss him, that can hurt, and I think often of my lovely slip of a boy and the good times we had. But I do also really, really love that he is grown up and doesn't need me in that way anymore. The hard work is done, it's a relationship now.

Maybe it helps that I'm.such a slob myself, the house would be a tip if it weren't for dp.

BobbyBiscuits · 07/06/2025 15:14

If your saying it's his girlfriend's fault their house is a mess then you're unreasonable.
Why should he keep his house the same way you do anyway? He's an adult.

Of course he still loves you but he wants to grow up and have his own life. He doesn't need you as much as he used to and that's a good thing.

pinkyredrose · 07/06/2025 15:16

Her house is a lot different to ours. We are house proud and like things tidy and expect him to tidy up after himself.

Why the criticism, do you not like her?

Stripeyanddotty · 07/06/2025 15:17

Does he have any part time work?
Or is he completely reliant on you financially ?

IfIDid · 07/06/2025 15:19

How do you know his girlfriend’s mother stays in bed all day and never tidies?

Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 15:22

IfIDid · 07/06/2025 15:19

How do you know his girlfriend’s mother stays in bed all day and never tidies?

yes I asked that

despite trying to conceal it, the OP’s disdain for the GF and her mother drips off her posts

DildoSaggins · 07/06/2025 15:22

I'm feeling a bit like this with my youngest DD. She is at uni, currently home for the holidays, but has spent more time at her boyfriends house, or with friends, and we have not actually seen her that much. She is currently having a city break with her girlfriends, is due home tomorrow, but then will go to her boyfriends for a few days and then she is going on holiday with her girlfriends for a week. If I suggest doing something together, then she apologises and just says she doesn't have time.

We are very very close, she is my little bestie, and it feels strange that her life has just taken off like this and now I no longer seem to be as important to her.

BUT isn't it supposed to be this way? It just goes to show what an amazing job we have done at raising independent and capable young people and I honestly cannot be more proud of the wonderful, kind, caring, fun loving young person she has become. I adore the adult she has grown up to be.

Also, think back to when you were that age. I know that I barely saw my parents from one day to the next. I was off out working, going to the gym, seeing my boyfriend, going to pubs and clubs and gigs. I had a wail of a time and barely gave my parents a second thought. Not to say I didn't love them. I bloody adored my parents and we had an amazing close bond. But life changes and we change as people.

Unfortunately their young lives no longer revolve around us. Its just the way it is, and the way its supposed to be.

We do lose them a little, but not really. Our relationship with them just changes and evolves. That's life.

So enjoy the fact you have a happy boy who is thriving. The alternative doesn't bear thinking about!!

ginasevern · 07/06/2025 15:36

How long did you expect things to stay the same with your now adult child? Did you think your relationship would stay the same forever? Where have you been! You must surely know that it can't and shouldn't. He's got a girlfriend and wants to spend every possible moment with her. That's normal, natural and an age old story since time immemorial. He's spent most of his life with you and your husband. Now he wants to spread his wings, go new places, try new experiences - especially with his girlfriend. Your emphasis on being "house proud" and suggesting the gf's mother is a slattern is also rather telling - to say the least. I expect he can bonk his girlfriend at her mum's house when he likes, get up late in the morning and maybe stay up late sharing a bottle of wine if they wish without fear of breaking the house rules. I rather suspect that your house is not exactly easy going and that the gf's mother's is far more alluring at his age.

Happyholidays78 · 07/06/2025 15:40

Ah sending a big hug OP, my son is nearly 18 & spreading his wings & spends very little time with me nowadays. It's natural to think where has my little boy gone & it stings a little (tears in my eyes writing this) BUT it's natural & necessary. My son & I are going on a city break soon with some mutual friends & I'm ready to soak it all up as I suspect this will be our last break together for a while. I hope the knowledge from other mums who say 'he'll come back to you is true' 🥰

Morningsleepin · 07/06/2025 18:14

Not much consolation but the alternative to him making his way in the world is him not being able to make his way in the world

jimbort · 07/06/2025 19:44

I totally get what you are saying. I have similar with my son and I feel like his gf family are probably more fun than me. I am happy he’s happy but it’s the end of an era so I can feel a bit bereft and just adjusting to the new normal. No advice, just know where you are coming from Flowers

Whataloadoffuss · 07/06/2025 19:50

user1469800934 · 07/06/2025 15:06

Thank you, I guess I just wanted reassurance that this is normal to feel this way. It’s all new and I find myself missing that little boy sometimes!

Show quote history

Oh my goodness, I've just been wanting some peace today from my two little dcs, I need to hold them close. I agree with pp, he'll come back to you later, more so if he has kids of his own one day. Sorry op, I will be in your shoes in the future, one day you're their whole world, than the next you're not. This is the way it should be though, he is out in the world doing his thing. He'll come back. x