Feel like I’m losing my son a little.

[user1469800934]

My son is 21, my only child. We have always been very close. We go on trips together, we go out for meals together often and also with my husband. (His dad)

When he first moved to go to Uni, I was upset. But now, honestly it’s ok. My husband and I are enjoying our time together and I quite like a tidy house! 🤣

But recently I find he is very slow at replying to messages, And even though he shares house with his GF at Uni (she moved there to be with him) he often stays at her house. When he used to live being home. Her house is a lot different to ours. We are house proud and like things tidy and expect him to tidy up after himself.

He says he misses us and looking forward to seeing us but sometimes I think it’s more the fact that everything is free at home. We pay all his bills too, car/phone/food and his uni accommodation. Which he is very grateful for and tells us all the time. He’s also super loving towards us.

I could be being over sensitive and perimenopauseal!!!

Just hoping to hear any similar situations or advice really.

Some very well expressed, pertinent messages on this thread. You've done your job well and your son is now a fully functioning adult finding his way in the world. You will always be his beloved mum, but the twenties are a stage when of necessity they need to find out who they are away from home usually.

My experience with my adult daughter was that we saw her sporadically in her twenties, (usually me travelling a long way to see her) although we always had a good relationship. In her thirties, once her children arrived we now see a lot more of her, her husband and children.

It's tough, OP, the empty nest is sad, but please be grateful that he's OK and exploring his world and relationships. You will come to terms with it I'm sure, and your feelings are only natural.

Getting to know your adult children as mature human beings is one of the great joys of parenthood.

@LifeExperience Such a lovely way to put it! My DD is 20 and has changed so much since going to uni. It’s wonderful getting to know her again, I admire and respect her as an adult, as well as loving her.

It's really not

Of course you're losing your son a bit. He's 21, and in a relationship. You're supposed to lose your kids a bit when that happens.

I didn't find my elder 2 DC leaving g home particularly hard but I did my younger DS. He is 8 years younger than his next older siblings. Luckily for me you get DS lives about 3 miles from me invites me over for a meal about once every 10-12 days and he comes home to eat on Wednesday as lasagne night. We occasionally go for a breakfast together just me and DS on a weekend. I'm so proud of the man he's become but very occasionally I do miss the little boy who would cuddle up with me on the sofa. The thing to remember is you have succeeded as a parent if your adult DC has a job, a home of their own, friends and can form relationships and are generally happy and fulfilled in their lives. Bonus points if they choose to keep in touch and go for meals with you and seem to like your company.

She (the mother) doesn’t work, sleeps until lunchtine and doesn’t keep the house tidy.

I'm not sure if it's your son who has told you this but he obviously isn't bothered if he's happy to stay there a lot.

But tbh you sound like you're just picking out the negatives and are just being a bit mean and snobbish. The girls mum has obviously done something right - other than lazing in bed and not tidying the house - to raise a daughter who is at University and so is most likely an intelligent and driven young adult.

I don’t dislike her.

But you don't like her. You tolerate her because you know you would lose your son if you didn't.

Define "slow to reply"
Weeks? Months?

just being a bit mean

Pot. Kettle. Black.

I think he'll grow out of that relationship, OP, when he realises he wants to be an adult and not stay as a teenager for all his life.

Does his girlfriend work? Does she stay in bed all day, too? Is your money funding her, too?

OP do you actually make your home a nice place her him and her to spend their time?

Of course other posters are correct about him maturing and spreading his wings which is all correct. But at that age they do still spend time at their parents houses and if you would like it to be yours abit more you need to consider why they choose her parents.

You say you’re house proud and comment on her mum sleeping until noon. Do you make him or her feel judged? At the same age my boyfriends parents were always commenting about us sleeping in or having a lazy day, or asking passive aggressive questions about what were we planning to do today? But we both had evening jobs so we’re obviously going to sleep in later. Additionally we had a shared big hobby which meant many times we were out the house by 7am for 12 hour physical days and on the days we weren’t doing that or working we did want to sleep in, mooch around, watch tv etc. We were never disrespectful, always helped cook, clean, never monopolised communal spaces, but they just couldn’t hide their judgement for having a day of chill, so of course we spent more time at my parents who trusted us to be adults and manage our own time/hobbies/rest.

I may be reading this wrong, but if you want them to choose to spend time at your house more than hers it is things like the above to consider.