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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Feel like I’m losing my son a little.

60 replies

user1469800934 · 07/06/2025 14:52

My son is 21, my only child. We have always been very close. We go on trips together, we go out for meals together often and also with my husband. (His dad)

When he first moved to go to Uni, I was upset. But now, honestly it’s ok. My husband and I are enjoying our time together and I quite like a tidy house! 🤣

But recently I find he is very slow at replying to messages, And even though he shares house with his GF at Uni (she moved there to be with him) he often stays at her house. When he used to live being home. Her house is a lot different to ours. We are house proud and like things tidy and expect him to tidy up after himself.

He says he misses us and looking forward to seeing us but sometimes I think it’s more the fact that everything is free at home. We pay all his bills too, car/phone/food and his uni accommodation. Which he is very grateful for and tells us all the time. He’s also super loving towards us.

I could be being over sensitive and perimenopauseal!!!

Just hoping to hear any similar situations or advice really.

OP posts:
Dutchhouse14 · 07/06/2025 19:55

I sympathise OP, there's a saying daughters a daughter all her life a sons a son til he finds a wife.
I have daughters and a son and find there is a lot of truth in this.
My daughters and their boyfriends use our house, as their main base when back from uni, son spends a LOT more time with his girlfriends family. We still see them, they visit us but there is an imbalance of probably 75% her house 25% ours (if I'm being generous!) My daughters are the other way round.
Anyway I don't think there's anything you can do to change it.
Invite them, make sure your door is always open and be happy and relaxed when they visit. Perhaps suggest days out or something, I do invite them on holiday with us which they sometimes take up the offer based I think that we pay for accommodation!
My DS has always been rubbish at picking up phone and replying to texts, of course if he texts he expects instant response!
I still phone him once a week regardless so I just keep trying lol.
Doesn't mean he doesn't love and care for you but right now his GF is his priority.

Cynic17 · 07/06/2025 19:58

OP, you're supposed to "lose" your son a little. Because he's 21 and an adult. That's how it works. He also has a partner, who should be the most important person in his life. Why would he want to keep coming back to the parental home?
He's fine, you say he's loving etc - you have the best of all worlds.

Cynic17 · 07/06/2025 20:01

Dutchhouse14 · 07/06/2025 19:55

I sympathise OP, there's a saying daughters a daughter all her life a sons a son til he finds a wife.
I have daughters and a son and find there is a lot of truth in this.
My daughters and their boyfriends use our house, as their main base when back from uni, son spends a LOT more time with his girlfriends family. We still see them, they visit us but there is an imbalance of probably 75% her house 25% ours (if I'm being generous!) My daughters are the other way round.
Anyway I don't think there's anything you can do to change it.
Invite them, make sure your door is always open and be happy and relaxed when they visit. Perhaps suggest days out or something, I do invite them on holiday with us which they sometimes take up the offer based I think that we pay for accommodation!
My DS has always been rubbish at picking up phone and replying to texts, of course if he texts he expects instant response!
I still phone him once a week regardless so I just keep trying lol.
Doesn't mean he doesn't love and care for you but right now his GF is his priority.

Actually, this saying is utter nonsense. I always had a much better relationship with my lovely in laws than with my own parents. Not everyone conforms to lazy stereotypes.

stayathomer · 07/06/2025 20:05

Op when you were that age were you at home all the time? I would have been in college and literally popped home to raid the fridge, get a hug and run off! If you’re in the background and not clutching on you’ll get back to time with him. Organise a night in/ games night or dinner out

Ted27 · 07/06/2025 20:26

@user1469800934

My son is 21, just finished his second year at uni. He is my only child, I'm single and we are very close.
When he first left it was a huge wrench. I did have some reasons to be worried about him but he has settled down well. He is happy, making his own decisions and building his life away from me.
However hard it is, it's what I did when I was his age and it's how it should be.
I do struggle sometimes that he takes his time replying to messages, but I also know he is busy.
I'm still building my new normal, I have lots of friends, go out, have an allotment and some caring issues with my mum. Keep busy too.
So it's a new phase of life for me too.
You aren't losing him, just moving into a different stage and their are adjustments on both sides

Proudmummy67 · 07/06/2025 20:42

He will come back to you when he's older. I think they go through this stage when they are first adults and figuring it all out. The reason he can be like that is because you've been a fab mum and made sure he has the confidence to spread his wings 😊.

cestlavielife · 07/06/2025 20:45

This is all a bit much
"
make her favourite foods and buy her small gifts when she stays here."
Why?

He is growing up
Let him fly
Do not treat them with as little kids you can give a smartie to

BruFord · 07/06/2025 20:51

Morningsleepin · 07/06/2025 18:14

Not much consolation but the alternative to him making his way in the world is him not being able to make his way in the world

Exactly @Morningsleepin. My DD (20) has decided to stay in her uni flatshare and take more classes/work over the summer. Most of her uni friends are doing the same so we’ll hardly see her at all this summer.

She comes home occasionally to rest and be fussed over. She’s getting on with her life and that’s great, I’d be far more concerned if she relied on me a lot. I’m somewhat surplus to her requirements nowadays. 🤣

Capertillar · 07/06/2025 21:10

Lovely post @DildoSaggins

DD isn't home from uni yet as she's staying with a friend in London. But when she is home, I know she'll be busy working, socialising, holidaying with friends and spending time at her boyfriend's parents' house because he prefers it there because when they're at our house we - gasp horror! - speak to him 🙄

it feels strange that her life has just taken off like this and now I no longer seem to be as important to her

It's bittersweet, isn't it? I'm so proud of the woman she has become but I miss the little girl who thought I was The Best Thing Ever.

CarpetKnees · 07/06/2025 21:14

Dutchhouse14 · 07/06/2025 19:55

I sympathise OP, there's a saying daughters a daughter all her life a sons a son til he finds a wife.
I have daughters and a son and find there is a lot of truth in this.
My daughters and their boyfriends use our house, as their main base when back from uni, son spends a LOT more time with his girlfriends family. We still see them, they visit us but there is an imbalance of probably 75% her house 25% ours (if I'm being generous!) My daughters are the other way round.
Anyway I don't think there's anything you can do to change it.
Invite them, make sure your door is always open and be happy and relaxed when they visit. Perhaps suggest days out or something, I do invite them on holiday with us which they sometimes take up the offer based I think that we pay for accommodation!
My DS has always been rubbish at picking up phone and replying to texts, of course if he texts he expects instant response!
I still phone him once a week regardless so I just keep trying lol.
Doesn't mean he doesn't love and care for you but right now his GF is his priority.

I have daughters and a son and find there is a lot of truth in this.

I have both too, and this is utter rubbish.

My DS has always been rubbish at picking up phone and replying to texts, of course if he texts he expects instant response!

and that is one person. My ds is much more communicative than my dd.

Manthide · 08/06/2025 14:05

Ds was 22 last month and is graduating this summer. I'm really looking forward to having him back but I know it won't be the same as he won't be a student anymore and will need to look for a job in his field. I'm hoping he'll find something so he can live at home, he's ND and does require some emotional support. His elder sisters never came back home after graduating but now they're married with dc I do see them a lot. I still have dd3 for another year and empty nest syndrome will become real. It's a difficult adjustment but its part of life - we all did it without a backward glance. It sounds like your ds is well grounded and just growing up.

Julimia · 08/06/2025 15:03

Just a wee bit on the judgemental side isn't it? Besides he's obviously in touch with you a lot. Don't force him into an either or position just let it take its course.
Old saying... ' you have to let go to keep hold' and I can promise you it is perfectly true. You won't 'lose' him.

Nevertea · 08/06/2025 16:34

I can’t help but think the GF in this situation needs our sympathy or certainly will do as time goes on!

Ketzele · 08/06/2025 17:44

Yes, you are losing him a little. It's natural, it's inevitable. I wouldn't waste time ruminating over the role of his gf's mother's messy home, I don't really understand why that's coming into it. He clearly loves you; hold that fact close as you all settle into new ways of relating to each other.

InSpainTheRain · 08/06/2025 17:51

Your son is growing up and will naturally not be so close to you. This is for his good - it's great he has a GF even if it's not the tidy house you keep (which I don't think is relevant). He will make his own way in life - a job, a place to live, relationships with partner and friends and that's entirely natural: it's what you have prepared him for, for 21 years. Just be ready to let go.

Gardenbird123 · 08/06/2025 18:38

Hang in there. Be warm and welcoming without pressure when he comes to see you. He's spreading his wings and will always be close to you x

Lickityspit · 08/06/2025 18:54

I hear you OP. Our job is to send them out into the world as fully functioning adults but like you I miss my little boy. What you are feeling is normal - your job is never to let him know

Onelifeonly · 08/06/2025 19:14

At that age I completely took my parents for granted and did whatever I liked. It didn't mean I didn't love, respect or value their role in my life. A bit later on, I found our relationship became more equal, rather than me using them as a convenience! He will mature, develop and change a lot over his 20s.

My 20 somethings still live here (not been to uni). They do their own thing to quite a large extent. We don't usually eat together, both have partners that come to stay over at our house, and partly due to us all having different working patterns, we don't do much in the way of having quality time together. I'm lucky I have daily contact without needing to message and I know what's going on on their lives but that's about it. Plus I have their mess and slovenly habits to deal with! It's not all roses!

Chin up, he's doing well and you have raised him to be able to do so. 😁

StMarie4me · 08/06/2025 19:19

One of my sons was a Dad at 19. Another at 22. They were naturally very much with their wives and not me. We are still very close but they have their own lives to live. They are now 38 and 35!
Your relationship will evolve many times over the years.
You’ve raised a happy, secure loving young man. Be proud!

MissAmbrosia · 08/06/2025 19:28

My dd is 21. Of course you "lose" them - they are adults and should ideally be out there doing things. As pp said - they take you for granted at this age and it can be hurtful and upsetting when they don't seem to see you beyond the support you provide. It's a stage though. You have to let them grow their wings. I'd rather my daughter be busy having a life than sat in the back bedroom gaming or such. See it as a success that he is out there living his life.

Queenofthestonage · 08/06/2025 19:59

He’s growing up - my youngest is also 21 graduated last year and is now working on a graduate training scheme 6 hours away from where we live I miss him but very happy for him, this is the best we can hope for as parents - our precious babies growing up to be well rounded responsible adults

FluffykinsTheFerociousFeralFelineFury · 08/06/2025 20:00

Your son's life has expanded to include his studies, a serious relationship and a lot of new friends. Obviously you will occupy less of his thoughts and his time than when he was a child. This is normal and you need to welcome it, or at least accept it.

Screamingabdabz · 08/06/2025 20:08

He’s a 21 year old lad with a girlfriend. What do you think his main focus is? I’ll give you a clue - it’s not his parents and their ‘tidy’ house.

Cut the apron strings op.

HelpMeHelpTheKids · 11/06/2025 13:05

sesquipedalian · 07/06/2025 15:04

OP, your son is growing up. If he is able to go out into the world, forge relationships and lead his own life, then you have done your parenting job well. Of course he will always be your much loved and dear only son, but it is perfectly normal for him to make new relationships, and in the fullness of time to start his own family, at which point you will become the DGM. I think there is a point during their twenties when our children are simply busy leading their own lives and getting established in the world - then they settle down, and come back a little. You want your DS to be independent and to lead his own life - and it is a little sad, but absolutely the order of things. Be happy that your son seems happy and is getting on with his life.

Beautifully put. My eldest is younger than yours, OP, but I’d lived in fear of this process until a friend lost her son to cancer aged eight. Now it feels like a privilege to see my sons growing up and away from me - it’s still sad but I feel lucky to see the natural order of things.

LifeExperience · 11/06/2025 13:13

This is all normal. He's an adult and he doesn't need his mummy anymore. He has every right to make his own decisions just like you did. You will develop a mature adult-to-adult friendship in time, assuming you don't cling too tightly and push him away.

Getting to know your adult children as mature human beings is one of the great joys of parenthood. That adult to adult friendship is amazing and so gratifying--I not only love my children, I like who they have become, and I am excited for their next chapters of growth.