Fearful for my adult son. How do I support him?

[WinterGold]

My 30 YO DS has been in a relationship with a woman for around 2 years.
It’s always been volatile with big bust ups every 3 - 4 months, followed by forgiveness and getting back together. Luckily, they don’t live together or share any assets.

She’s always been quite high maintenance inasmuch as the relationship seems to have been based on her wants and needs rather than his. He’s willingly driven at all times of the day and night to see her, takes her where she wants and is on a substantially higher salary, but happily subsidised her lifestyle as he wanted to be with her - and entirely his choice.

However, she constantly puts him down, tells him he’s lazy and boring, that she could do so much better, that she could have any other man she wanted. She’s accused him in the past of trying it on with his best mate’s GF, has on several occasions got very drunk and screamed and sworn at him in public, so much so that he’s walked out and left her at different venues as she was being so confrontational and she’s also rung his friends and told them that he’s hit her.

Things came to a head on Sunday night. We received a phone call from him saying she had physically attacked him as he was cleaning up his carpet after she had just thrown her glass of red wine at him following yet another row. She also threw a heavy ornament against a wall causing damage and then tipped a whole tub of food into his fish tank which could have killed them. I know this sounds a bit pathetic, but it’s his hobby and he takes great pleasure in it.

Luckily, he called the police as she had punched him repeatedly in the head and scratched his face. How he didn’t retaliate, I don’t know. The police arrested her, and as she was kicking off, had to be restrained, they kept her overnight, took a statement from him and photos of his face - which is an absolute mess. He won’t press charges and she maintained during questioning that he had done it to himself (he has no marks whatsoever on his knuckles) She isn’t being charged but will have to attend a CARA course (?)

My fear is already he’s questioning whether he should have called the police, that if she gets a caution it may affect her application for citizenship (she is a foreign national with pre settlement status) and that would be his fault and he would feel guilty and that when things were good, they were great! A condition of her bail is that she doesn’t contact him, his family or friends or go to his property, but I’m really not sure about his resolve and I truly fear that she has now crossed a threshold that if they renew this relationship, she might actually kill him next time.

How do I support him and be firm without either alienating him or pushing him back into her clutches? He has a very responsible job in which others lives depend on him and he’s very capable in his professional life, but seems to be under some kind of thrall to this woman and in the past, has forgiven her whenever she ‘promises’ it won’t happen again.

Do so

Good grief!! How on earth do you ‘kick yourself’ to cause those sort of injuries?

I’m pretty sure the police would had already clocked it, but in view of her accusations saying he did it to himself, I took a photo of his knuckles and hands at the time in case this allegation/defence might be used later down the line. Also his injuries were consistent with being attacked from behind - he was on his hands and knees at the time attempting to clean up the red wine and smashed glass that she had done moments earlier.

Just out of curiosity, would anyone know why the police now also want a statement from me? Not a problem, but I wasn’t there at the time, although DS was in contact with me via WhatsApp and had attempted to call me immediately afterwards.

I think its great that the police are asking you for a statement - looks like they maybe are seeking ways to find more evidence to corroborate his version of events?

He’s shown me some CCTV footage from his kitchen - unfortunately, the actual attack took place out of camera and earshot in his sitting room.

However, it shows him walking about and in and out of the kitchen whilst he’s on the phone to the emergency services. She’s following him and repeatedly shouting, “Fucking mental
health issues! You’ve got fucking mental health issues!” I think she repeats this about 10 - 12 times. She then grabs the phone out of his hand and tells the dispatcher that he, “abuses me all the time!” The dispatcher asks her if she has her own phone, and if she has, to use that, which I don’t believe she actually did. At any point, she could have left the situation, but continued to be the aggressor.

Disturbing viewing.

I would be so upset if this was my son.

My daughter had an awful boyfriend once, and I had to sit her down and say, "You're not acting in your own best interests and this is because you have been brainwashed by a very bad person. Today you are going to tell him it's over because he doesn't treat you well. Then you are going to forget him because he's taken up far too much of your life already. In a week you'll feel better. In a month you won't remember why you were with him. In six months you'll be telling people what a narrow escape you had. You'll see him in the street and shudder. I'm making this decision because you know you can trust me to always do what's best for you."

Miraculously she did it - I think she was relieved to have the decision taken out of her hands. She was younger than your son but your son has shown he respects you an awful lot. It's a mental health issue at the moment and you have to act in his interests as he's unable to do that alone.

@WinterGold - how is your DS doing now?

Thank you very much for asking - a lot better. He’s keeping himself busy and socialising much more with his mates.

Both he and myself have submitted statements to the police, despite his initial reluctance. Not unexpectedly, lots of things have emerged that he didn’t tell us about at the time. It turns out she punched him in the head whilst they were on a driving holiday because he refused to divert to a particular place she wanted to visit as he was tired and wanted to head to their hotel, which was shocking to hear.

The officer dealing with his case has informed us that providing she pleads guilty, it shouldn’t go to court, but I can’t see her backing down as her uk citizenship is at stake if there’s a conviction, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she fights it all the way. However, despite her denying the latest incident, she did admit to hitting him on a previous occasion, which is apparently all the police need. They are looking at the minimum, ensuring she gets a conditional caution which will be on record and almost undoubtedly affect her application.

All I’m glad is she’s totally out of his life and he’s no longer vulnerable to her worming her way back in. That window of opportunity has thankfully long gone.

What an awful experience for your son and his family, OP. She sounds absolutely deranged. I really hope she isn't allowed to stay here. He needs a life free from worrying about her.

Would you say that to a woman who had just been beaten up by her bf?

I don’t understand why the police said there was no evidence and pretty much made out that it was a He Said She Said scenario

Dont police look for evidence anymore.

If your DS sustained scratches, surely the first thing the police would do is take scrapings from her nails for signs of DS’s skin. Or they did do and the reason she went to the bathroom was to do her own scrapings and to wash off the evidence so none would be found.

Either the police are incompetent or this woman is a lot more dangerous and has done this before. Did the police take her DNA because I wouldn’t be surprised that there have been previous incidents and a slight name change and no one would be the wiser

Just as a warning. If your DS gets back with this woman, she could “accidentally” injure him so he has to rely on her as a carer

Her citizenship would then be waved through as those caring for a disabled spouse can stay

And he thinks any of this is acceptable?

He needs so much support to realise that this isn't normal, it isn't acceptable and he needs to stay away from her before she does more serious injury to him.

Mankind Initiative is meant to be very good.

Tell him to watch “my wife, my abuser” on channel 5, it is utterly disturbing.
Ask him if he’d want young defenceless children who can’t call the police being at the mercy of this woman who would most likely abuse them as well. Even if he doesn’t care for his own well being ask him to consider the potential babies who didn’t ask to be brought into a world with a mother like this. Beg him, in fact. I’d plead til I was blue in the face if this was my son.

The woman has personality issue and won't change unless she wants to change. He has to leave her

Thank you for the recent replies.

Luckily, he has had absolutely nothing to do with her since the incident and she has made no attempt to contact him, so I truly hope the relationship is dead in the water.

Disappointingly, although he gave a statement (as did I) and supplied the police with the CCTV of her verbally abusing him, he ultimately declined to sign the statement and told them he doesn’t want to
pursue charges. His logic is that he wants to be finished with any connection with her and just move on.

I’m hugely frustrated - as are the police as they kept trying to persuade him - but I have to respect his wishes. He’s admitted in a roundabout way to his sister that he dreads the case potentially going to court (if she denies the charges) and him having to see with her again, even in a formal situation.

I wonder if you could mention his fears of facing her in court to the police - this must be a very common situation in DV - maybe they could reassure that he would not have to see her? Or maybe a DV charity would know the answer to this?

It's great that he has written the statement and supplied evidence. Maybe that was enough for him - for now - and in time he may reconsider. It is very hard to revisit trauma as the victim. I wonder if you can find out how long that statement stands and if there is any deadline for it being appropriate to press charges etc? Again this must be a very common siuation in DV cases.

I am very relieved for you all that he is safe physically. Is he having any psychotherapy (again might be too early for him) - but if not he might well benefit from a specific DV / trauma experienced therapist - maybe EMDR?

He was in an escalating DV situation for 2 years - its going to take some time to heal from it.

Just another update:

DS was contacted by the police a fortnight ago and he unfortunately confirmed he didn’t want to take the case any further. Clearly she has also been told been told, her bail conditions dropped and, despite being blocked by DS, used someone else’s phone to ring him - he hung up immediately - and has messaged him via Facebook messenger saying his she still loves him and that she recognises they “both” made mistakes.

I’m currently urging him to at the least ensure he logs everything and to seriously consider reporting this latest contact in case it escalates. It’s been four months since the incident so I find it incredibly disturbing that she hasn’t moved on and still wants to harass him.

I am glad that he is being so open with you. He needs to report this latest incident to the police - even if he doesn’t press charges now - they need a contemporaneous log to establish behaviour patterns as this is where the risk is - she is nudging boundaries in order to reel him back in. She is lovebombing and clearly not taking any accountability for her previous behaviour (as she is trying to get him to take some blame - also might be a trap that she could use against him if he ‘admits’ anything using DARVO and then issuing a counter DV charge against him as revenge) She’s dangerous physically and mentally and unhinged.

She is now stalking and harassing him by legal standards. The police will take this escalation very seriously.

People are at most risk of violence when they leave an abusive relationship and for the next TWO years. She’s festering and it’s dangerous.

Don’t underestimate anything here. Don’t put pressure on him to press charges - but do support him logging this stalking incident - otherwise with zero consequences (ie ignored by him) she will just keep repeating her behaviour and upping the anti.

Best of luck to you.

It’s been six months since the incident, and two days ago she used yet another anonymous phone to message DS asking him to meet her, about how much she misses him and reminding him of all the good times they had. He’s not responded, although he told me he did wonder whether to reply and say he’d moved on and suggests she does too.

My instinct was to strongly advise him against responding in anyway. Plus, I think she wouldn’t react in a positive way if she knew he was in a new relationship. I don’t want to overreact, but I find it concerning that she clearly doesn’t recognise or acknowledge any fault whatsoever on her part.

You should be concerned. She is stalking him. I suspect she already knows he is in a new relationship (because she stalks him).

I would get professional advice either from a DV charity or the police.

This might be a very dangerous time for him.

I think you’re absolutely right.

She very much wants to be in control of the situation. She knows exactly what she’s doing by messaging using numbers that she knows he won’t have blocked, but what I find most disturbing is she isn’t acknowledging that it was her attack that resulted in finally ending the relationship. Her texts are all about them both trying again as though the violence hadn’t even happened. No mention or contrition of her own accountability whatsoever - not that he’d want to go back there anyway!

She’s clearly very unstable as most people would have by now got the message that a complete lack of response firmly indicates there is no interest in resurrecting any relationship.

You are dealing with a very dangerous woman. She’s irrational and deluded. There is no point talking to someone like this - she will escalate, weaponise and twist any and every word. She does need an intervention through from the police IMHO. She 100% knows he is now in another relationship and she wants to destroy it.