Fearful for my adult son. How do I support him?

[WinterGold]

My 30 YO DS has been in a relationship with a woman for around 2 years.
It’s always been volatile with big bust ups every 3 - 4 months, followed by forgiveness and getting back together. Luckily, they don’t live together or share any assets.

She’s always been quite high maintenance inasmuch as the relationship seems to have been based on her wants and needs rather than his. He’s willingly driven at all times of the day and night to see her, takes her where she wants and is on a substantially higher salary, but happily subsidised her lifestyle as he wanted to be with her - and entirely his choice.

However, she constantly puts him down, tells him he’s lazy and boring, that she could do so much better, that she could have any other man she wanted. She’s accused him in the past of trying it on with his best mate’s GF, has on several occasions got very drunk and screamed and sworn at him in public, so much so that he’s walked out and left her at different venues as she was being so confrontational and she’s also rung his friends and told them that he’s hit her.

Things came to a head on Sunday night. We received a phone call from him saying she had physically attacked him as he was cleaning up his carpet after she had just thrown her glass of red wine at him following yet another row. She also threw a heavy ornament against a wall causing damage and then tipped a whole tub of food into his fish tank which could have killed them. I know this sounds a bit pathetic, but it’s his hobby and he takes great pleasure in it.

Luckily, he called the police as she had punched him repeatedly in the head and scratched his face. How he didn’t retaliate, I don’t know. The police arrested her, and as she was kicking off, had to be restrained, they kept her overnight, took a statement from him and photos of his face - which is an absolute mess. He won’t press charges and she maintained during questioning that he had done it to himself (he has no marks whatsoever on his knuckles) She isn’t being charged but will have to attend a CARA course (?)

My fear is already he’s questioning whether he should have called the police, that if she gets a caution it may affect her application for citizenship (she is a foreign national with pre settlement status) and that would be his fault and he would feel guilty and that when things were good, they were great! A condition of her bail is that she doesn’t contact him, his family or friends or go to his property, but I’m really not sure about his resolve and I truly fear that she has now crossed a threshold that if they renew this relationship, she might actually kill him next time.

How do I support him and be firm without either alienating him or pushing him back into her clutches? He has a very responsible job in which others lives depend on him and he’s very capable in his professional life, but seems to be under some kind of thrall to this woman and in the past, has forgiven her whenever she ‘promises’ it won’t happen again.

What is the issue with her citizenship op? Is she a British citizen? Applying to be one? Indefinite leave to remain?

She currently has pre settlement status. I’m not sure how many rights that gives her?

How long has she lived her for?

She was an overseas student pre pandemic, went home during it, and then came back to live in the UK in 2022. I understand she has the right to work here and that she is very keen to get full uk citizenship.

Would he come and stay with you for a few weeks? Sometimes being taken out of your home environment knocks some sense into you

she can stay here until 2027 and then needs to apply for permanent

Men can be abused to. He’s being abused. There’s a Netflix documentary he should watch I can’t think of the name of it.

He’s staying for the same reason some women stay- he’s smitten. She could end up killing him, destroying him, his reputation etc. she could end up saying he’s raped her, hit her anything. He needs to wake up and ditch her. But if he isn’t going to- get some cameras in! Record her hitting him. He needs to protect himself.

Would this show up in future relationships with other men via Clare’s Law?

It's great that they don't live together. She sounds like the type to trick him into having a baby, I hope he's careful, even if she's on the pill he should use condoms. But hopefully he won't be seeing her again.

The other emotional blackmail dark tactic is saying they want to die - he should be aware that this is a classic hijacking of abusers. If this happens he needs to call the emergency services to put in a welfare check directly - then the correct professionals best placed to manage this situation are in place - and if it was fake she is smoked out.

Also fake emergencies, health scares etc are there to trigger a response - seems like she has been doing this already.

This is terrifying and your DS has just run into a wrong'un - who no doubt love-bombed him at the start and has used intermitent reward - and the 'nice / nasty' cycle of abuse to keep him subjugated. Its a very clear pattern of behaviour.

I am sorry you are all going through this - but the mask has fallen so this is an opportunity for your DS - keep shining a light on it.

That’s a good question.

They met online, so he knew nothing about her to start with - no mutual friends or work relationship - so I think other potential men might need to be aware and warned. I will suggest he follows this up with the police.

A bit of a random question, but just curious if anyone else can confirm this is another sign of an abuser; she had absolutely no sympathy if he was unwell. They were due to go on a dinner date several months ago and DS was genuinely unwell and ended up throwing up. She was really, really angry with him and accused him of deliberately sabotaging the evening even though she was with him when he was being sick. He said he’d rebook and it wasn’t an issue, but she was absolutely livid.

A couple of weeks ago, he took 2 days off work with acute sinus pain. I can honestly say he very rarely has time off, but she accused him of laziness in front of several other people, saying people of her nationality would never take time off for something so trivial. DS not going to work had no effect on her whatsoever, so her reaction was very OTT and unwarranted.

Yes, this is a classic trait of an abuser. My ex was always livid when I was ill and would bully me relentlessly to carry on regardless. To the extent that other people would worry for me and say so - even strangers, if he'd dragged me to a (non medical) meeting or appointment when I was clearly too ill.

How did this conversation with best mate arise? Did he actually contact you because so worried?

At least he’s very open about the abuse and name calling with people around him rather than the much more typical shrouding in secrecy

Given the extreme facial injuries and evidence of damage to his property, I was really surprised the police have not pressed charges. Doesn’t make sense. I know it’s because she says that he did to himself, but if you have one party with NO injuries and one with very serious injuries AND serious damage to property…. Unusual just to 🤷‍♀️ and basically say “sorry can’t help”

I’m genuinely surprised the police haven’t pressed charges. As I said before, you don’t always need a witness to prove a crime - evidence surely speaks for itself? Unfortunately, DS was emphatic he didn’t want to go through the process of a potential trial, he said he just wanted to be shot of her. The officer that interviewed her even said that she believed DS’s version of events! Even more frustrating was; an ambulance also turned up to assess his injuries, but he told them he was ok and didn’t need any assistance.

DS contacted me as soon as it happened. He messaged me whilst he was calling the police. He lives an hour and a half away so we ended up driving there in the middle of the night, but he also called his best mate, who was with him when we arrived.

Just to show unaware this woman is; after we arrived, his mate’s phone rang and it was her using her right to a phone call, calling him from the custody suite. She possibly wouldn’t want her family to know at this stage, but if all the people to ring, why DS’s mate - who has never liked her, made no secret of the fact and always thought she was nothing but trouble!

That level of unawareness is quite frightening. I hope it reveals to your DS how dangerous she really is. A psychopath, devoid of empathy.

These are good signs that your DS called the emergency services, you and his friend as well as saying he just wanted shot of her. I think you need to respect his decision (at this time) not to go through a trial which may take years to come about and keeps his head and trauma locked in with her.

He needs support whole he learns about abusive relationships and realises he has been in one. Maybe you could research some info on support groups specifically for men who gave been abused by women as there must be different, very complex emotions surrounding this.

Poor man. I am so glad he called police. I hope he gets a restraining order against her and never sees her again, that he reads up on abuse and freedom programmes, and finds a good group therapy to help him overcome this.

Agree with this. It can take some time to disentangle mentally from toxic bonds - he will still potentially be vulnerable to her for some time. He should never engage - even if she wants to apologise or for closure. She is very dangerous emotionally and physically and this capacity hugely increases when relationships end. Keep him safe.

She has now posted a soppy post on her social media referencing a week’s holiday they had together a month ago. DS hasn’t seen this, my DD brought it to my attention. I’m very minded to report it as a breach of her bail.

There are also bail conditions that she cannot contact either DS, his family or his friends

This tells me she is not going away. Nip this right in the bud. She is dangerous and the authorities need to be informed and reprimand her.

It may not fall exactly within remit but it shows an intention.

Let the police decide.

Dont need to tell your DS - your DD or any of his friends (who she may have on FB) should report as they have seen it and it may constitute a breach. They are responsible for the report not your DS - this is how you all keep him safe. Let nothing slide.

Thank you - reported to the police tonight by email with screen shot, in case it subsequently disappears. Her SM accounts are usually set to private, but she has made them public in the last 24 hours when this post was made, so clearly she wants to send some form of message.

Whilst she’s not referred to him by name, she’s mentioned the holiday, happy memories, missing ‘someone’ and how she loves members of a particular occupation - the occupation my DS happens to be part of.

@WinterGold well done for reporting

why did she leave her home country do you know? I wonder if her lack of empathy plus her abusive nature means she has an abusive past that she’s running away from

also your DS needs a “distraction”… you have any acquaintances that happen to drop by? He met her online, can you find a creative way to meet someone else online?

he just needs a distraction and he’s done with her !

Tell him in words of one syllable, slowly so he understands, THIS WOMAN IS NO GOOD, and get out while you can. Keep him home indefinitely and don't let her near, get a restraining order.

The line that absolutely opened my eyes to what an abusive relationship looks like, when I was in one in my twenties, was Oprah Winfrey saying: 'If someone hits you, not only do they not love you, they don't even like you!' I realised my boyfriend at the time didn't like me at all, let alone love me.

He needs to realise she doesn't even like him. We don't hit people we like. We don't keep people we like away from their friends and families. We don't insist people we like do exactly as we say and allow us to have our own way all the time, never paying attention to their wants and needs. Not if we like them. If we like people, we are kind to them. We make plans that suits us both. We encourage them to keep healthy bonds with the people they are close to. We encourage them to feel good about themselves. These are the foundations of behaviour towards people we like, let alone love.

Those are incredibly wise words - and so true. Thank you for sharing this advice, it’s just the sort of thing we need to be able to say to him that makes absolute and logical sense.

It’s just over a week since the incident and he actually rang me and said, “I always thought she was a bit nuts, but put it down to her quirkiness.” His best mate put it more directly and told him, “She’s a fucking psycho mate! You’re just lucky the wine bottle wasn’t in the lounge, otherwise it would have been a different story!” I actually think it was good to hear that from someone of the same generation and not an anxious mum!

The police weren’t massively interested in her SM post, that it wasn’t a breach of her bail
conditions, but said they would log it. They advised DD not to look at the XGF’s accounts and replied,
”I would recommend that if wants to move on from this that he, you and any family members distance yourself from her and avoid accessing her profile or responding in anyway to posts she might make”