Fearful for my adult son. How do I support him?

[WinterGold]

My 30 YO DS has been in a relationship with a woman for around 2 years.
It’s always been volatile with big bust ups every 3 - 4 months, followed by forgiveness and getting back together. Luckily, they don’t live together or share any assets.

She’s always been quite high maintenance inasmuch as the relationship seems to have been based on her wants and needs rather than his. He’s willingly driven at all times of the day and night to see her, takes her where she wants and is on a substantially higher salary, but happily subsidised her lifestyle as he wanted to be with her - and entirely his choice.

However, she constantly puts him down, tells him he’s lazy and boring, that she could do so much better, that she could have any other man she wanted. She’s accused him in the past of trying it on with his best mate’s GF, has on several occasions got very drunk and screamed and sworn at him in public, so much so that he’s walked out and left her at different venues as she was being so confrontational and she’s also rung his friends and told them that he’s hit her.

Things came to a head on Sunday night. We received a phone call from him saying she had physically attacked him as he was cleaning up his carpet after she had just thrown her glass of red wine at him following yet another row. She also threw a heavy ornament against a wall causing damage and then tipped a whole tub of food into his fish tank which could have killed them. I know this sounds a bit pathetic, but it’s his hobby and he takes great pleasure in it.

Luckily, he called the police as she had punched him repeatedly in the head and scratched his face. How he didn’t retaliate, I don’t know. The police arrested her, and as she was kicking off, had to be restrained, they kept her overnight, took a statement from him and photos of his face - which is an absolute mess. He won’t press charges and she maintained during questioning that he had done it to himself (he has no marks whatsoever on his knuckles) She isn’t being charged but will have to attend a CARA course (?)

My fear is already he’s questioning whether he should have called the police, that if she gets a caution it may affect her application for citizenship (she is a foreign national with pre settlement status) and that would be his fault and he would feel guilty and that when things were good, they were great! A condition of her bail is that she doesn’t contact him, his family or friends or go to his property, but I’m really not sure about his resolve and I truly fear that she has now crossed a threshold that if they renew this relationship, she might actually kill him next time.

How do I support him and be firm without either alienating him or pushing him back into her clutches? He has a very responsible job in which others lives depend on him and he’s very capable in his professional life, but seems to be under some kind of thrall to this woman and in the past, has forgiven her whenever she ‘promises’ it won’t happen again.

Just an update after two weeks following the incident.

Luckily, there has been no contact and DS has been busy with friends and family. His mates have gone an extra mile to include and involve him in so much and DD has had him to stay and taken him to a few venues.

The police have again been in contact - their follow up and support has actually been outstanding - but are keen that DS gives a full statement/presses charges as the officer dealing with it believes XGF is ‘medium’ risk rather than ‘standard’ At a minimum they have said want to charge her with common assault and criminal damage but need the go ahead from DS, which he is still refusing to give. I’m going to try and persuade him to, if only to protect any future partners she might meet online and maybe selfishly, I want some retribution for the hurt and distress she has caused my family - not only DS (although he took by far the worst of it) but for dragging myself, DH and DD into all the unnecessary drama.

Thats great news. It is great that he is responding and engaging in all the love and support her has around him - need to keep this up for another few months.

I am really pleased that the police are taking this seriously and its terrifying that she is 'medium' risk. He needs to be very vigilant to stalking as she has already shown she hasnt let go. Take some advice on this - but if I understand that its not advised to block on everything as you need evidence that they are stalking to take to the police (you dont need months of stuff) and also the stalker is more likley to escalate to physical stalking if they are blocked which is more dangerous. If he has unfollowed her on social media it might be worth a friend or family member who to remain connected to get an idea of any mood change (she sounds like she as a pyschiatric / PD issue which could escalate to extreme behaviour). Does he have a ring doorbell, 24/7 dash cam (even when his car is parked), has he told his place of work to be vigilant etc?

I do believe that victims have the right to not add further trauma to their experience by dragging it through a court case which may take years - but this is very early days and he might be feeling less vulnerable in a few weeks time. Is there an option for him to make a statement now when details are fresh in his mind and then choose to proceed or not down the line - I dont know if there are time limits etc.

He should expect some random hysterical contact down the line to try to reel him back in - they are usually to elicit sympathy and trigger his White Knight urge to her damsel in distress - usual ones are fake pregancy, cancer, been attacked, burgled, suicide ideation or attempt, family member has died/seriously ill etc. Interesting that she suggested he hurt himself IMHO she's used that tactic before or on someone else (faked injuries). He needs to be prepared to ignore these and/or send emergency services to her directly. This is likely if she gets wind that he is dating someone else (maybe he needs to do this or fake it sooner rather tahn later to flaush her out).

He has been through 2 long years of traumatic emotional abuse and likley previous physical abuse - that gets deep into the mind and body of anyone - and I wonder if there is unnecessary confusion or shame within himself.

There are loads of threads on MN about abusive relationships and the ones from parents are truely heartbreaking. Having watched close friends and family members endure atrocious abuse that has gone on for decades - my only aspiration for my DCs is that they are in a kind and respectful relationship.

This is a truely heartbreaking thread where the DM has been powerless to watch her 14 year DD over 5 years be totally subsumed by a toxic relationship.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parents_of_adult_children/5316300-dd-in-abusive-relationship-never-ending?page=3&reply=144761327

Thank you @Darkmudder A supportive, balanced and positive post.

He hasn’t seen it yet, but things have taken a slightly darker turn this morning because she has made a post on a public forum page naming him and his address and giving a very much sanitised version of events from her POV and alleging she was falsely arrested. I was alerted to this by one of his friends who is so kindly looking out for him.

I have screen shot the post, forwarded it to the police as I suspect it may be a breach of her bail conditions and contacted the webpage admin insisting on, at the very least, the removal of my DS’s personal details. As my DD pointed out, should his employer or even a future GF Google his name, just an innocent connection to a DV case could still raise unfounded concerns, even though he is the innocent party.

This woman is far more scary than any of us even imagined.

Wow @WinterGold she is really ramping up and very dangerous.

Its brilliant that you are all being vigilant and reporting to the police - this might raise her risk to 'high'.

And yes your DD is absolutely correct that xGF has now taken this into another legal realm of defamation which encompasses both libel and slander. Libel refers to written defamatory statements, while slander refers to spoken defamatory statements. Both involve making false statements that harm a person's reputation and can be the basis for a lawsuit.

This might nudge your DS to proceed legally. But keep him safe and take professional advice. She is intent on doing some serious damage.

@WinterGold That sounds awful. If she has publicly written his details on one public forum, it’s highly likely she’s done it on multiple. You all need to check in as many places online as possible.

I was watching Netflix last night - The Real Fatal Attraction. It might be well worth you watching this with your son as his girlfriend and the woman on the TV sound scarily similar.

Is there any way your son could go away for a month or two? Do you have any relatives in another part of the world? I think he needs to get out of the UK and away from her for quite a time to regain his senses.

If you can persuade your DS to give a statement in evidence that would be ideal.

My friend was the victim of a sustained attack by her bf who left her for dead in a hotel room. She didn't want to give a statement either, for understandable reasons like your DS. However the nature of her injuries (she was strangled and luckily revived by hotel staff who heard the commotion) was such they could only charge him with GBH. He pleaded guilty and was fined a couple of hundred and got a suspended sentence. Derisory really. My friend now feels very bitter about that. I would suspect any charges resulting from this attack will also be minimal without your DS evidence. If she got away scot free, how would he feel?

I recently watched an episode of My Lover My Killer on netflix about Tai O Donnel who was killed by his girlfriend. Like your ds he was a lovely, popular guy.
I don't know if getting him to watch that might help him resolve to stay away from her?
www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/kamila-ahmed-jail-croydon-tai-b2329740.html

Agree - I refeered to Tai's case and the NF series earlier in the thread - alongside two other docs on the cases of Alex Skeel and Richard Spencer. 💔

So sad. They seemed like a lovely family but the killer girlfriend was just fucking terrifying.

His poor grandfather - just couldnt verbalise his loss.

This. She sounds highly abusive and manipulative. He doesn't see it because he loves her. I'd throw in a person must really hate someone to harm to them in this way.

The victim blaming on the first page of this thread was horrible. Is it any wonder men don't report DV
My BiL was a victim of domestic abuse and it came to a head when he was with us one night and she came bursting in, inebriated, and tried to attack him. It took 3 adults to break it up. Afterwards when we got her out of the house, he was adamant he was going home, but thankfully he saw sense and stayed with us that night. I'll never forget him weeping into my shoulder and saying he probably deserved it in some way.
It sounds like you're dealing with a horrible situation really well OP and he's lucky to have you on his side. Keep telling him you're proud of for not going back/calling the police.

Please, please get him to press charges. He behaviour has already escalated in the 2 weeks since the incident.

My brother was a victim of coercive control and it took him attempting (& v v nearly succeeding) suicide before we could get him out of the situation.

For his own safety, and any other male who might come into contact with her, he needs to listen to the police. They don’t designate someone ‘medium risk’ without cause.

Sending you all a big hug.

Thank you for all your replies - truly appreciated.

He’s now home from work, so we’ve sent him screen shots of her posts - we thought it wasn’t a good idea for him to receive this info during his day as I know if it was me, I would have been very distracted and unable to focus if I’d seen something like this whilst doing my job.

It has spectacularly backfired on her as he is now incredibly angry that she is clearly not in the least bit remorseful and has given no thought to the consequences of posting his details online (luckily now removed) Consequently, he is now under no illusion or misguided loyalty to her about not making a statement.

I sincerely hope this is the final nail in the coffin and at the very least she receives a caution, if not a conviction. She has made his life hell for the last few years as unsurprisingly, he has opened up about so much more we were unaware of and he was covering up.

Hopefully, she will also end up on some sort of register so any unfortunate men that come across her in the future don’t face the same sickening behaviour - or even better, she fails in her attempt to get UK citizenship and ends up back in her home country!

This is shocking. I am so sorry your DB endured this. I read some stats just the other day that suicide of domestic abuse victims was greater than those murdered by abusers - which is horrific and the abuser faces no consequences.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cgr284ev7vro

100% agree - and this is what has been so eye opening about this whole episode.

My DS is a well balanced, personable, confident and popular man who holds down a responsible job where he literally has others’ lives in his hands. He has had previous normal relationships with women and no seemingly outward or obvious reason to be ‘vulnerable’ to an abuser and a controller, but this woman inveigled herself into his life, chipped away at his confidence, manipulated and lied to his friends about his alleged behaviour, drunk to so much excess at a wedding that she came onto the groom and insulted and ridiculed DS in front of others, slapped and kicked him etc etc. And all the time he covered up for her, made excuses for her behaviour, defended her when his friends tried to point out that what she was doing was wrong, tried to end the relationship, believed her when she promised it wouldn’t happen again and forgave her constantly.

The strain on him and every other person going through the same must have been intolerable. He has confessed it was like living on a powder keg, he literally didn’t know when she was going to kick off about some perceived slight or injustice. She would pick fights about nothing and then blame him for all her faults. “If you weren’t this, I wouldn’t be like that” “You made me get angry/lose control”
No one can live on their nerves like this for long, so no wonder and tragically the suicide rate for victims is so high.

Oh I’m so glad that he’s been able to open up to you properly and is (hopefully) going to talk to the police. When the dust settles he may find he needs some sort of counselling though as it will be a big change. I would also advise a couple of Ring doorbells & cameras (& locks changed by a good locksmith) for his own safety.

@Darkmudder thanks for the kind words. Bruv is a different man now, soon to marry the love of his life so I’m hoping that in time @WinterGold ‘s son will find love too.

Poor you as his mother as no mother would want to hear of her son being abused. Poor him for enduring her for so long. Thank god there are no kids and no marriage. Hope she pisses off back to where she came from! Should be one strike then you’re out anyway, it’s a pitty she wont get prosecuted for it.

Another dreadful stat - I am not being alarmist - I just want to share facts that could avert potentially avoidable tragic consequences. The physical risk to a victim of domestic abuse escalates when they either try to leave or the relationship ends and this risk remains for significant for on average two years.

Conflict, subjugation, anger and rage is like oxygen to someone like her. they needs someone in their sights, a human punch bag on which to discharge their inner turmoil almost to relieve themselves. When this 'valve' is taken away this pressure builds up hence the ramping up we see this woman now enacting this virtually - which in itself has esclated - despite a police condition - how long will this satisfy her before she steps up her revenge?

Awful awful awful

But I'm glad it got to this point before having children.

Advise him to seek counselling to unravel all of the beliefs she'll have instilled in him.

Tell him how proud you are of him for calling the police and ending it.

Remind him that there are millions of nice, educated pretty ambitious women who would be great partners to him that are desperate to meet a kind boyfriend (like me!) and that he has so much happiness ahead of him without her.

Also remind him that dv survivors all say 'when it's good it's soo good' but that's not a healthy relationship

Yes

Op my abusive ex also never cared when I was unwell, he actually left me when I was heavily pregnant as he thought I wasn't being resilient enough during the pregnancy and was allowing it to make me too stressed

Op, my friend was beaten and kicked by her ex bf with her six year old baby in her arms, he also told his family and the police that she did the injuries to herself (how? With no free arms?!)

6 * week old