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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Moving house…mum upset

67 replies

Pluto356 · 03/05/2025 13:19

I’ve name changed for this.
currently me and partner live 20 minutes away from my family and 90 minutes from his.
I would love to move back to by my family but it is very expensive. My partner doesn’t want to because he is worried it will upset his family as we will be so close to mine.
my partner had moved here before I met him so he has made friends, job etc here.

I have told my parents that we are thinking of moving to another village which is about 25 minutes from them. My mum is really upset that we aren’t coming back to the same area as them and keeps sending me houses from around there. My partner is getting frustrated by her sending us messages about it and making comments.

I hate upsetting my mum but also can see why my partner doesn’t want to move there as then his mum will be upset too. It feels a bit like whatever we do, someone will be annoyed!

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

OP posts:
Sandylittleknees · 03/05/2025 13:22

25 minutes!! That’s nothing! You are in the same area. Tell her you are going to be very close and to stop mentioning it or you will move further away.

cornflourblue · 03/05/2025 13:23

Do you have any caring responsibilities for your parents, or them for you/your family? If not, then 25 minutes is nothing and your mother is being very selfish to put her wants ahead of your own priorities with your partner.

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 03/05/2025 13:24

Any closer you could be next door neighbour's.
25 minutes is nothing.

Original poster
Pluto356 · 03/05/2025 13:25

My mum looks after our little girl three days per week but we drop off and pick up!

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 03/05/2025 13:26

25 minutes is nothing tell your mum to wind her neck in and mind her business. And tell her you're not discussing it any more. - just shut that conversation down.

DenholmElliot11 · 03/05/2025 13:26

Pluto356 · 03/05/2025 13:25

My mum looks after our little girl three days per week but we drop off and pick up!

Still nothing.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 03/05/2025 13:27

Your partners rationale is awful and not a way to make life decisions that are in the bedt interests of your family

My partner doesn’t want to because he is worried it will upset his family as we will be so close to mine.

Is your mum sending links to unaffordable housing? If so I'd would say this...

Why are you moving? Space? Schools?

Given she does 3 days a week and its an hour round trip (I'm assuming it's 20 with no traffic) I'd be pushing to move closer tbh.

My mum is 10mins drive away. We arent in each others pockets but its handy.

WaltzingWaters · 03/05/2025 13:29

Your mum is being absolutely ridiculous and I see why your partner is getting annoyed. 25 mins is nothing. I could maybe understand if she had to come to your for caring responsibilities, but as you drop your Dd at hers, she really shouldn’t comment - she’s obviously already seeing a lot of you and her grandchild regardless of the treacherous 25 minute drive!

Original poster
Pluto356 · 03/05/2025 13:30

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 03/05/2025 13:27

Your partners rationale is awful and not a way to make life decisions that are in the bedt interests of your family

My partner doesn’t want to because he is worried it will upset his family as we will be so close to mine.

Is your mum sending links to unaffordable housing? If so I'd would say this...

Why are you moving? Space? Schools?

Given she does 3 days a week and its an hour round trip (I'm assuming it's 20 with no traffic) I'd be pushing to move closer tbh.

My mum is 10mins drive away. We arent in each others pockets but its handy.

Edited

We drive past on the way to work so it only adds about 10 minutes onto the drive.
I don’t agree with his rationale but do understand as his parents can be prickly about us living far away.

we are moving for a bigger house and better location than our current home

OP posts:
Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 03/05/2025 13:32

You do know as fully grown humans you don't have to consider how your living arrangements impact your dps? Keeping it fair as you described is nuts.

NotAnotherOne1234 · 03/05/2025 13:33

What do you want though? Take some time to decide & do that.

Your life belongs to you, not your mum, not your partner. Everyone else in your life is expecting you to do what they want, why don't they think they should do what you want?

You are the most important person in your life & your daughters life, you should decide based on what suits you.

Original poster
Pluto356 · 03/05/2025 13:35

NotAnotherOne1234 · 03/05/2025 13:33

What do you want though? Take some time to decide & do that.

Your life belongs to you, not your mum, not your partner. Everyone else in your life is expecting you to do what they want, why don't they think they should do what you want?

You are the most important person in your life & your daughters life, you should decide based on what suits you.

I don’t actually know. I would love to live by my parents but we wouldn’t be able to get the same standard of house as we would if we bought in another village. We would be able to afford 4 bed semi there but in another village could get 5 bed detached with en-suite bathroom.
I just want them all to be open to discussions rather than a “you/we can’t live there” straight away.

OP posts:
loropianalover · 03/05/2025 13:37

25 minutes is nothing - we lived about 30 minute drive from my grandparents growing up and it was the same town!

Does your mum control other areas of your life?

Boggartdreams · 03/05/2025 13:37

I’m about 3 hours from my Mum. She’s being ridiculous.

thistimelastweek · 03/05/2025 13:38

Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 03/05/2025 13:32

You do know as fully grown humans you don't have to consider how your living arrangements impact your dps? Keeping it fair as you described is nuts.

This.
I would never expect to have a say in where my adult children choose to live. They have to decide according to their own best interests. Anything else is ridiculous.

Original poster
Pluto356 · 03/05/2025 13:39

loropianalover · 03/05/2025 13:37

25 minutes is nothing - we lived about 30 minute drive from my grandparents growing up and it was the same town!

Does your mum control other areas of your life?

Not at all 😂 drives her mad!

OP posts:
Gloschick · 03/05/2025 13:39

I think not moving near your mum in order to not upset your m-i-l is silly, as you won't be living near your mil either way, so you would be making your life harder for no reason.
However, if you can get more house for your money 25 mins away then just keep repeating this to your mum. Every time she sends u a house, send her a bigger one for the same price.

tinyspiny · 03/05/2025 13:42

You and your partner need to decide where you want to live and stop worrying about which set of parents that will upset . Frankly if your mum will be good support if / when you have children then living nearer to them makes sense . WRT his parents he had already moved away and it would be unreasonable to expect you to move back their way , if they want to live closer to you let them move .

Doingmybest12 · 03/05/2025 13:43

What a sad thing that both sides want to spoil what should be an exciting time and add more stress on to an already stressful life event. Maybe your mum thought she'd do school pick ups etc and it's burst that bubble but really they are being so selfish and you need to be clear you have made the best decision you can.

SlB09 · 03/05/2025 13:50

25 mins really isn't alot in the grand scheme of things! You are close enough to both sets of parents to see them as much or as little as you want and them you (I get 90mins is abit more of a chore). Live where you and your dh are happy to live, and it doesn't have to be forever! You can always move closer either way if circumstances change for whatever reason.

EndlesslyDecluttering · 03/05/2025 13:52

I wonder if your mum is fast forwarding to when your DD starts school and thinking she won't see as much of you or her. She'll be too far away for after school pickups and your weekends will get busier with parties etc. This gradually happened to us, my DPs live half an hour from us and happily did pre-school childcare, they did do one night a week school pick by coming to us for a year but after that it got a bit much. It's really up to you whether you factor that in though, not her.

Xelda · 03/05/2025 14:03

As an adult I never lived closer than 2 hours from my parents and for 5 years I lived in another country! As many others have said, 25 minutes is nothing.

Roselilly36 · 03/05/2025 14:12

25mins is virtually on the doorstep, fgs, your mum is being very unreasonable. You need to do what’s best for your family OP. Your mum will get used to it.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 03/05/2025 14:24

I just want them all to be open to discussions rather than a “you/we can’t live there” straight away.

Your parents don’t need to be open to discussions because the discussions have nothing to do with them! It’s solely up to you and your DH, whatever his rationale. I can understand why he’s running out of patience with her constant interference.

You’re moving to another location more or less the same distance from them, the status quo remains the same and it affects them not at all. Your mum ‘being upset’ that you’re not doing what she wants is her emotion as an adult to process, not yours to carry or soothe away, because it’s not of your making - you’re not purposely trying to hurt her, just making the right decision for your family.

This really is a drop the rope situation. Ignore the properties and the agitating, don’t get into emotional conversations about it, and whenever the subject comes up just divert the chat to how happy and excited you are to be moving to a new home and talking up its positives (and gently encourage her to be excited for you too, rather than constantly pissing on your chips).

Ilovelurchers · 03/05/2025 14:28

Would your parents in law genuinely be upset that you lived near your parents, even though it didn't effect them in any way? You do see this makes them horrible, vidictive people? And it's utterly inexplicable that your partner is insulting this, as if it's a decent, rational way to feel.

Your own parents are being somewhat controlling, yes, but at least they want what they want for an actual meaningful reason - they want you close presumably because they love you when love seeing you. They aren't just trying to control you to make some strange, petty point.

If I were you I would not be bullied anything, but I would way up the benefits of living closer to your parents against the benefits of cheaper housing (given you are clearly in a very financially healthy position and can afford a large house either way). Having your parents only 5 or 10 minutes away might be helpful in the future when your children are over and can cycle over there - or if your parents get too old to drive it would be easier for them to get a bus or an Uber to you, and so on and so on. I live about 15 minutes drive from my parents but now they are very elderly ideally would be even closer, and once dad (much older - late 90s) passes mom is likely to move closer to me - walking distance ideally, as I am not sure how much longer she wants to keep running a car.