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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Moving house…mum upset

67 replies

Pluto356 · 03/05/2025 13:19

I’ve name changed for this.
currently me and partner live 20 minutes away from my family and 90 minutes from his.
I would love to move back to by my family but it is very expensive. My partner doesn’t want to because he is worried it will upset his family as we will be so close to mine.
my partner had moved here before I met him so he has made friends, job etc here.

I have told my parents that we are thinking of moving to another village which is about 25 minutes from them. My mum is really upset that we aren’t coming back to the same area as them and keeps sending me houses from around there. My partner is getting frustrated by her sending us messages about it and making comments.

I hate upsetting my mum but also can see why my partner doesn’t want to move there as then his mum will be upset too. It feels a bit like whatever we do, someone will be annoyed!

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

OP posts:
BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 03/05/2025 14:53

My partner doesn't want to because he is worried it will upset his family as we will be so close to mine

Your partner is being an arse. You already live closer to your family than his anyway.

Pherian · 05/05/2025 12:09

Pluto356 · 03/05/2025 13:19

I’ve name changed for this.
currently me and partner live 20 minutes away from my family and 90 minutes from his.
I would love to move back to by my family but it is very expensive. My partner doesn’t want to because he is worried it will upset his family as we will be so close to mine.
my partner had moved here before I met him so he has made friends, job etc here.

I have told my parents that we are thinking of moving to another village which is about 25 minutes from them. My mum is really upset that we aren’t coming back to the same area as them and keeps sending me houses from around there. My partner is getting frustrated by her sending us messages about it and making comments.

I hate upsetting my mum but also can see why my partner doesn’t want to move there as then his mum will be upset too. It feels a bit like whatever we do, someone will be annoyed!

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

It sounds like you guys will be between both sets of parents which is fair.

dapsnotplimsolls · 05/05/2025 12:47

Live in a place that best suits your immediate family ie the new village. Everyone else will have to get over it.

Lurkingonmn · 05/05/2025 12:48

Firstly, you might want to move back nearer your family but you can't afford the home you want there: tell your mum this. It isn't that you don't want to; it is that the houses are so much better for your family and financial circumstances where you are looking. It is not about her.
Secondly, I'm not convinced your partner is being entirely honest about his reasons, it might partially be that but it also sounds like he might not want to live so close to your mum (given his reaction to her messages/comments), or maybe he also sees the home you can get in the other area is better for you. Do you see as much of his family as he would like? Maybe there are other things going on here?
It would be worth talking to your partner about the various situations- bearing in mind parents can move too... what if his/your parents chose to move closer? How would you feel? If they contributed financially to make up the difference in the cost would you/he move closer? While not necessarily a possibility, it might clarify your true feelings about proximity?
While I agree it is sensible to consider proximity to family, I think there are many factors that play a role in where you decide to live and it should be a decision for your family unit.

Limprichteabiscuit · 05/05/2025 12:50

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 03/05/2025 13:27

Your partners rationale is awful and not a way to make life decisions that are in the bedt interests of your family

My partner doesn’t want to because he is worried it will upset his family as we will be so close to mine.

Is your mum sending links to unaffordable housing? If so I'd would say this...

Why are you moving? Space? Schools?

Given she does 3 days a week and its an hour round trip (I'm assuming it's 20 with no traffic) I'd be pushing to move closer tbh.

My mum is 10mins drive away. We arent in each others pockets but its handy.

Edited

This makes a lot of sense

BuildbyNumbere · 05/05/2025 12:51

So it’s literally 5 minutes further away from where you are now? What??

RaininSummer · 05/05/2025 12:54

Your mum is being pretty ridiculous as 25 mins away is on the doorstep really.

GreenFields07 · 05/05/2025 12:56

The only opinions that matter here are yours and your partners. Everyone else should back off. You partners reasons for not being closer to your parents is childish, his parents shouldn't care where you live. Your mum needs to also keep her nose out. Moving house should be to benefit the 3 of you, nobody else. So do whats best for you 3 and tell everyone else to leave it alone.

Woahwe · 05/05/2025 13:26

I could have written this! We're 30 mins from my parents and I don't think they realise quite how lucky they are to have us so close! We also do pick up and drop offs but there have been occasions where I've been ill or had a hospital appointment and they've needed to drop or collect. The same house would have been about £20k more expensive where they are but moving 30 mins away also meant my husband was closer to his family and halved his commute. In all honesty, I actually prefer being based here as we're closer to the motorway and bigger towns! I just don't think they understand that sometimes we make decisions that are right for us but wouldn't be right for other people.. doesn't mean we're wrong we just need different things 🤷🏼‍♀️

DottieMoon · 05/05/2025 14:02

25 mins is nothing. Your mum is ridiculous.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/05/2025 14:03

25 minutes is close to your family!

Our parents were hundreds of miles away. Relationships with us and our kids were fine.

Picklechicken · 05/05/2025 14:10

I am so baffled by this!

We live in Norfolk. 25 mins is nothing to us here! We drive that to get milk from Tescos! 😂 Your Mum is being ridiculous. She’s very lucky she gets 3 lovely days a week with her granddaughter.

Fluffyholeysocks · 05/05/2025 14:13

Could you start sending links to houses that are an hour away then 25 mins won't seem so bad?

Notknots · 05/05/2025 14:18

You both need to live your own lives and not in the shadow of upsetting parents.

The way you handle it is to not share information with parents until you've made your own decisions free from their influence, have stronger boundaries and ignore any emotional blackmail attempts.

There's always someone you can never please, you need to manage how you respond and don't let it affect you rather than thinking the answer is trying to please everyone!

StrongandNorthern · 05/05/2025 14:19

25 minutes 😂😂😂😂😂

Hatty65 · 05/05/2025 14:20

Every time she sends you a house send her a link to one in Aus/Canada/New Zealand with the message 'We're considering this one...'

She's very silly. I have adult DC who have lived all over the world and it's not what I'd have ideally liked, but I've always encouraged them to live their own lives and do what they want.

Our job as mothers is not to guilt trip our adult children into living their lives according to OUR wishes.

Queenofthestonage · 05/05/2025 14:31

You need to do what is best for the 3 of you regarding school, commute, and best house you can afford in an area you want your child to grow up in, there will always be compromises but neither set of parents should have any say in the matter!

Someone2025 · 05/05/2025 14:54

Pluto356 · 03/05/2025 13:39

Not at all 😂 drives her mad!

Show quote history

It drives her mad that she can’t control you as much as she wants?

Janus · 05/05/2025 16:06

My eldest daughter is living in Australia (for 3 years), your mum should count herself lucky 🤣! To be honest I’ve always felt that as long as my children are happy that’s all we should ask for, 20/25 minutes away is nothing. I think you should have a chat and ask her to stop sending house links, it’s your life now and you decide where you should live.

Littlebigcat · 05/05/2025 16:52

We could never afford to live near my parents house, it's become massively unaffordable especially if you want anything bigger than a 3 bed semi (not knocking 3 bed semi's but it isn't what we wanted). Luckily my DF understands that there are sometimes compromises and does have some idea that his newer neighbours are much more affluent than they would have been a couple of decades ago.

You should start sending DM Rightmove links for nice bungalows near the village you're thinking of and see how she finds that 😂

Ilovelifeverymuch · 05/05/2025 17:03

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 03/05/2025 13:27

Your partners rationale is awful and not a way to make life decisions that are in the bedt interests of your family

My partner doesn’t want to because he is worried it will upset his family as we will be so close to mine.

Is your mum sending links to unaffordable housing? If so I'd would say this...

Why are you moving? Space? Schools?

Given she does 3 days a week and its an hour round trip (I'm assuming it's 20 with no traffic) I'd be pushing to move closer tbh.

My mum is 10mins drive away. We arent in each others pockets but its handy.

Edited

Why is her partner's rationale awful because he doesn't want to move further away from his parents but OP's rationale is sound when she also doesn't want to move further away from her parents to avoid upsetting her manipulative mother?

Moving from 20 mins to 25 mins away is nothing and OP needs to grow up and stop pandering to her mother and making family decisions based on not upsetting her mother.

She literally says in her post: "I hate upsetting my mum but also can see why my partner doesn’t want to move there as then his mum will be upset too"

Why do you give OP a pass when she is also unreasonable and pandering to her mother but claim her partner is unreasonable?

Original poster
Pluto356 · 05/05/2025 17:09

It makes me sad that people think my mum is being manipulative. She genuinely has a heart of gold and I think she just wants us to be close to her. She doesn’t have any other family so think she would like us to be nearby!

OP posts:
murasaki · 05/05/2025 17:11

25 minutes is nearby.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 05/05/2025 17:19

Pluto356 · 05/05/2025 17:09

It makes me sad that people think my mum is being manipulative. She genuinely has a heart of gold and I think she just wants us to be close to her. She doesn’t have any other family so think she would like us to be nearby!

I get you but her reaction is still emotionally manipulative. That doesn't mean she is an evil person or a bad person.

When she uses getting upset to influence your decisions that is manipulation. When she sends you links despite the fact that you've told her your decision and preference is to move to the area that meets your needs, that's manipulation.

This is just me extrapolating, I don't know if your mother will take it this far and I hope she doesn't, but if she starts using the fact she helps with your child to manipulate you to move closer that will be a worse degree of manipulation.

As I said this is just extrapolating, I'm not saying she is going to do this but I'm just showing how manipulation can progression.

Definition: "Manipulation is the act of influencing or controlling someone's thoughts, feelings, or actions for personal gain."

Your mother's personal gain is she wants you to be close to her because she feels she will be lonely if you move further away. Again that doesn't mean she is a bad person at all.

Someone2025 · 05/05/2025 17:23

Pluto356 · 05/05/2025 17:09

It makes me sad that people think my mum is being manipulative. She genuinely has a heart of gold and I think she just wants us to be close to her. She doesn’t have any other family so think she would like us to be nearby!

You need to live your life as well
You are not that far away at all
She might be nice but her outburst was completely and utterly unacceptable, especially in front of your child, you are the mother of your child and she should have respected your wishes

I live 4 hours from my mother as do 2 of my other siblings,