Moving house…mum upset

[Pluto356]

I’ve name changed for this.
currently me and partner live 20 minutes away from my family and 90 minutes from his.
I would love to move back to by my family but it is very expensive. My partner doesn’t want to because he is worried it will upset his family as we will be so close to mine.
my partner had moved here before I met him so he has made friends, job etc here.

I have told my parents that we are thinking of moving to another village which is about 25 minutes from them. My mum is really upset that we aren’t coming back to the same area as them and keeps sending me houses from around there. My partner is getting frustrated by her sending us messages about it and making comments.

I hate upsetting my mum but also can see why my partner doesn’t want to move there as then his mum will be upset too. It feels a bit like whatever we do, someone will be annoyed!

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

Out of interest is the new area still 90 min to his parents?

if it is then no one should be having any problems as nothing has changed. It’s still similar drives to now

In this situation the best thing to do is move reasonably close to one set of parents. Don't try to be halfway, as you'll be too far from both of them to have help nearby. 25 mins from your mum means she can help day to day, and your DD can have weekends and longer trips or holidays with your in laws.

Your partners rationale is awful and not a way to make life decisions that are in the bedt interests of your family

I do agree with this.
I also think the fact your Mum is childcare for your dc 3x a week, would, on a logical basis, mean that would be a positive for moving closer.

However - as you say the reason for you moving is to get more space and a better location, then moving to where houses are more expensive makes no sense whatsoever.

Aw, your mum wants you close by. She’s not getting any younger and it doubtless gives her great comfort to feel you are close to her. I love having my children close by too, it feels really heartwarming. It might not be rational, it’s heart thing and maybe an anxious “don’t leave me,!” feeling. The roles are reversing a bit, she’s the child here being irrational, wanting you nearby.

25 minutes is nothing and your mum should be supporting you as a young family to do what is best for you.

Do you think her mothers behaviour was acceptable as I think it was the behaviour of a crazed controlling bully?

I’m not sure where I said she had an outburst? She hasn’t had one at all

25 mins is nothing - I drive further to work - my Dad lives 1 hour from me
You could have emigrated !

25 minutes is so close!

Good grief! I moved to Dubai, then back again then when we went to Australia I’d just found out i was pregnant with the first grandchild. I know my parents would’ve been heartbroken but they never once showed it. We then moved back 20min from them, now living 45min away and it’s fine. They know we have to live our own lives, and I’d want the sane with my own children. Go for it OP. Put your little family unit first and have a quiet word telling them to be supportive as it’ll cause strife 🫂

There's hardly a difference between the proposed 25 min and the current 20 min. Just find the right house for you and don't worry about your parents on either side.

I'd consider giving your DM feedback on the houses she's sending -- too expensive, too small. Make her realise why you can't live near her. Or jokingly ask if she wants to pitch in some money to boost your budget. It's common for parents to be full of opinions on their kids' houses. I just nodded and promptly ignored the suggestions.

Considering I lived 3600 miles from mine (and they lived similar from theirs when we were little) I cannot relate! So you’d now be about an hour from your mother? That’s nothing.

You can't control, and you are not responsible for the level of reaction/emotion your mum has.
Maybe in her head she has always envisioned you being very close by, and she now almost needs to greive for the reality that this is not going to be the case.
You and husband choose the house and location you both want, and just support your mum having feelings about it.
There might be a time where you need to say to her "come on mum, I know it's not what you had always hoped for, but it's what's right for us now. Please stop looking for houses near to you. Its upsetting us both (as in heself and you)"

I live over an hour from my parents and 2.5H from DH's. I think they both finally stopped shopping for houses in their area for us when the eldest went to secondary.

I ignore it and just say we are staying put

Because you said that your mum was 'really upset', people have assumed that she has been crying about you moving 25 minutes away.

You already see her three times a week when you drop off and pick up your little girl and I assume that you see her at other times too.

If you will be able to afford a bigger and nicer property where you are moving to, stick to your guns.

Families can be tricky. You need to really block out the noise from both sides and focus on what you want - where do you like, schools, prices, style of houses, amenities. You can't buy a house or choose an area to not upset someone. As your mum does childcare 3 days, distance to her is a bit of this, you'd need to factor it in whilst your little girls not at school, although it's not a major factor. Decide on areas together, ignoring all the noice, then firmly tell both sides where you'll be searching and why, and you will still be near and could they please respect your decision. You're not far from either so they've neither got a leg to stand on!

You are currently 20 mins away so are you adding on just 5 mins?