Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Estranged adult son

63 replies

MrsDobbs · 03/05/2025 12:19

My 32 year old son has fallen out with all family members and friends and moved to a new city, l only found out my accident that he was in a different city as l reported him missing, l think he is on the streets, l was paying his rent and went to check with the others that lived at that address and they said hadn't seen him for a month so landlord checked his room and he had gone, I'm not coping well at all, l have 3 other grown up children that are great, anyone else been in a simular situation?

OP posts:
TheOliveFinch · 03/05/2025 17:53

I’m not quite in the same situation but have an adult son who can go awol for periods of time and it is an awful experience, I obviously don’t know the background but are there mental health or addiction problems. My son has an alcohol addiction but goes through better periods when he is in contact with his family and during a bad period will disappear for a while. He has caused more worry and heartache as an adult than he ever did as a child

Original poster
MrsDobbs · 04/05/2025 10:35

It is heartbreaking, the thought of never seeing my son again, he does have mental heath problems and gambling problems, and maybe even addiction problems, he has gradually got worse as he has got older, really l could see this coming the things he has said and done, we use to get on so well, he is very secretive, just hope he is okay, l told the police I was worried about him having a mental health breakdown but when they stopped him they said his mental health was okay, how long does your Son go awol for and where does he go?

OP posts:
TheOliveFinch · 04/05/2025 13:45

He will stop contact, a recent episode was 6 weeks , he does have a mobile but won’t answer calls or messages and it always coincides with him struggling more with mental health and drinking more heavily, luckily he is not on the streets and does manage to get to work most of the time but he moves around for work a lot so I don’t know where he is staying. In general things have got slightly better but this has been going on for 15 years and he has only worked regularly in the last few years.

Original poster
MrsDobbs · 04/05/2025 14:18

Well with him working more regular he may be coming more settled, try not to worry too much as if it's been going on for 15 years it sounds like he will always get in touch when he feels like it.

OP posts:
TheOliveFinch · 04/05/2025 15:06

It’s so difficult when you can’t put things right , I hope your son comes back to you at some point but it always there as a background sadness despite your other children and family being around.

Original poster
MrsDobbs · 04/05/2025 15:42

Thank you for the chat l hope he gets in touch with one of us, your right it is sadness that's always there, even though l have other children.

OP posts:
Saddm · 04/05/2025 15:45

One of my ds's is nearly 30...haven't seen him for 15 years after he committed a crime against a family member.. The pain and loss still feel immense.. I have no advice except to box him away and allow yourself small windows of memories on birthdays...
A death would be easier to manage irl...

Original poster
MrsDobbs · 04/05/2025 15:57

Sounds simular to my situation as he did and said some bad things to me and from that day on he hasn't been in touch with anyone, it's his birthday in a couple of weeks and l feel like going to look for him in the city he has gone too. 15 years is a long time does he keep in touch with anyone you know?

OP posts:
Wowwee1234 · 30/05/2025 09:29

Sadly, yes, 5 years on. Very similar story to yours op. Loved and treasured through childhood. Left without warning. No drink, drug etc issues., but is autistic. Completely estranged from all family and friends. Police say he is ok. I have had to grieve deeply and have extensive counselling to cope.

BlueWhalers · 30/05/2025 12:45

These stories are so very sad. My son is also estranged from the whole family. He was loved and cared for and adored me. Suffered from mental health issues and on the spectrum. A few years ago he started therapy and has turned into someone I no recognise. Blames me for everything, talks to me with contempt. He’s angry bitter and unpleasant now and no one in the family can bear him. I haven’t seen him in six months . It is so so painful. The rest of the family don’t want to talk about it so I feel very alone. I haven’t found therapy helpful at all.

Slatterndisgrace · 30/05/2025 12:53

So sad for all of you. 💐 Truly hope there’s happy resolutions in time.

Original poster
MrsDobbs · 30/05/2025 15:14

I havnt tried counselling, don't think it would really help, no one in the family talks about my Son now but he is always on my mind, l often dream about him, it's be a year yesterday since I've seen him, people think I'm okay but l just put on a brave face and try to make the best of things, 5 years is a long time, l feel for you l only thought it was children from bad homes that left, we can only hope that one day they may return or get in touch

OP posts:
DinoLil · 30/05/2025 15:40

Just to say that I can also relate. Five years now and not a word. He'll be 25 this year and I've no idea where he lives, what he's doing. And, like @Saddmsaid, a death would be easier.

Bluebootsgreenboots · 30/05/2025 17:56

Oh goodness, so many of them. I am so sorry all of you.
I was so close to my DS. He went off to uni last year at 18, now no longer speaks to anyone in true family. High functioning autism highly likely, no addiction.
I struggle to get through each day.

BlueWhalers · 30/05/2025 18:29

What happens to cause this I wonder? There must be a reason.
@Bluebootsgreenboots I am so so sorry. I understand how you feel. It hangs over me all the time, I have nightmares about him.

BlueWhalers · 30/05/2025 18:31

MrsDobbs · 30/05/2025 15:14

I havnt tried counselling, don't think it would really help, no one in the family talks about my Son now but he is always on my mind, l often dream about him, it's be a year yesterday since I've seen him, people think I'm okay but l just put on a brave face and try to make the best of things, 5 years is a long time, l feel for you l only thought it was children from bad homes that left, we can only hope that one day they may return or get in touch

My heart goes out to you. This has been a revelation to me, I had no idea it happened to other people like this.

BlueWhalers · 31/05/2025 07:55

I would love to have a support network with this. Is anyone interested in having a Stately Homes type situation on here or a WhatsApp group? I don't know anyone else in the same situation and it feels very isolating.

flatsevenup · 31/05/2025 08:48

I’m in this same sad club and would find a stately homes type support group very helpful.

Richandstrange · 31/05/2025 09:20

Counselling has helped me more than I expected with being NC with my parents, it still hurts but has helped me gain some degree of acceptance and it no longer dominates my every waking thought. Obviously I am on the flip side of this scenario and in my case NC has been somewhat mutual but I just wanted to put forward the viewpoint that counselling might help, even if you think it won't. I will never not feel the loss and rejection but it's definitely helped me find more peace than I had before.

Original poster
MrsDobbs · 31/05/2025 11:07

I think a Watts app group would be a great idea if you would like to St one up or a stately homes group, not sure what one is though, l know what city my Son is in and want to jump on a train to try to find him, if he is wandering the streets, like I've been told, but my husband things it's a bad idea as my son doesn't want to know us.

OP posts:
BlueWhalers · 31/05/2025 13:04

MrsDobbs · 31/05/2025 11:07

I think a Watts app group would be a great idea if you would like to St one up or a stately homes group, not sure what one is though, l know what city my Son is in and want to jump on a train to try to find him, if he is wandering the streets, like I've been told, but my husband things it's a bad idea as my son doesn't want to know us.

How absolutely awful for you. I remember seeing a homeless young man years ago . He looked absolutely terrified and alone. I thought ‘that’s how my son may end up one day’. He was prone to just walking out and going missing for days at that time. It’s so hard to live with the grief, loss and endless ruminations. I keep looking for what I did wrong. It takes over your life.

BlueWhalers · 31/05/2025 13:08

If anyone would like a WhatsApp group please PM me your contact details and I’ll try to set one up. Haven’t done it before! Alternatively we could keep this thread running anyway and see if there is enough interest to generate more threads in the future.

Slatterndisgrace · 31/05/2025 13:16

If any of your children have addiction problems there’s many helpful/empathic threads on the Adfam forum. Bless you.

Bluebootsgreenboots · 31/05/2025 13:30

Thanks. @BlueWhalers , I’m up for a WA group. I need to be upfront though. At just 8 months in I’m hopeful to be just a short term member. But who knows ….

Trampauline · 31/05/2025 14:29

I'm in this club also, sadly. It's my DD 23, been just over a year. I would find a what's app group helpful too.