Estranged adult son

[MrsDobbs]

My 32 year old son has fallen out with all family members and friends and moved to a new city, l only found out my accident that he was in a different city as l reported him missing, l think he is on the streets, l was paying his rent and went to check with the others that lived at that address and they said hadn't seen him for a month so landlord checked his room and he had gone, I'm not coping well at all, l have 3 other grown up children that are great, anyone else been in a simular situation?

Please send me your number by PM @Bluebootsgreenboots abd @Trampauline

My sons relationship with us is very fractured. We are not quite estranged yet, but it will come eventually. He often will come out with the line,

'I can't be the person you want me to be Mum' I have to be ME. I want to be ME.

And I hold that line and live in hope that his decisions are the right ones for him, and he lives his life as he wants to.

I would like to join the group but can't seem to pm anyone?

I just had to log in on a laptop to send a PM to BlueWhalers. Seems you can't do it on the app, I tried.

Hi everyone how are you doing? I am feeling very sad as our son ignored Father’s Day yesterday. I haven’t seen him for six months or even talked to him on the phone. It’s just so hard.

As someone with a lot of ASD friends and family members…

This may be little or no comfort, but… several people I know are perfectly happy, living perfectly ordinary lives, but have chosen to have no/minimal contact with family. They just don’t ‘get’ the connection. They find their loving relatives ‘too much’, and don’t seem to appreciate the pain their dis interest must cause. I don’t know how it will play out eventually, when their mum dies. Maybe they will regret having missed out.
One of them is sad that his young adult son with ASD doesn’t want to know him. But that doesn’t affect how he feels about spending time with his mum.

Those of you worrying about them- they may well be perfectly content, safe and happy. Just not feeling any need for connection.

Thanks, that helps.

My DS doesn’t have a diagnosis of ASD but I think it is highly likely. I think what @myplace described kind of fits with him, and that scares me. He never seemed that attached to me, certainly never showed me affection, but we chatted away and had common interests. I felt we were close, so it really hurts to be cast aside now that he has turned 18.

It turns out DH has fairly limited capacity for social relationships. Now he has me and his adult sons (live with us), he doesn’t need anyone else. At all. He’s full. He only bothers with his parents and siblings out of duty. I’m just glad he’s dutiful. 🤷🏼‍♀️

That does seem to make sense with my Son in away he likes to be on his own a lot and he may have Autism but never tested for it as it wasn't really a thing when he was at school

How is everyone doing? I am really struggling at the moment.

It's a very lonely place, l feel for you, l just hope one day my Son will turn up or get in touch and he is happy with his life

Every time the phone rings I hope it’s him. I keep hoping he might just ring the doorbell.

It sounds like you have tried to help him as much as you can. Paying his rent at 32 shows that.
But maybe he is ashamed of his behaviour or still very much involved in gambling/addictions and he doesn't want any of his family to see him like that.
Hopefully he finds his way out of it and eventually gets back in touch with you.

I swing between being really angry with my DD, disbelief that this is happening, and just desperate to see her or at least talk. I too am dreaming about her often. Often the dreams are her when she was a young child.

How is everyone doing? I am really struggling and very down.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/nov/09/the-families-torn-apart-when-adult-children-decide-to-go-no-contact

Hi Blue Whalers, has anyone seen or been in touch with your Son recently?

He visited his grandmother recently and I have been in touch with him in the last week. Unfortunately he sent me quite a hurtful reply to my text asking if we could see him after eight months. I lost it and told him exactly what I think of him and he's blocked us again. I am guessing Xmas will be ruined as he either won't come or will ruin it for everyone else. It's just so upsetting.

I’m in the same boat. I desperately wish there was a support group. Loosing my beloved child this way is the most depressing, demoralising thing that has ever happened to me. The grief is my immense, hidden secret.

PM me if you want to. I feel the same. It’s actually making me ill, so much so that it frightens me. I just feel I have no one to talk to.

So sorry. I know how you feel. It's an acid that eats away.
I've found enough peace to be "normal" outwardly with work, family even, but also feel like I'm so alone in my grief. I can't promise it gets better, just that keeping going in hope is the only option.

I wanted to set up a WhatsApp group earlier in the thread so anyone who wants to do that, let me know. Or maybe there is some other way we could do it .
I feel like I’m drowning at the moment.

I just live in hope that one day my Son will get in touch with me or another family member, and he has turned his life around, he is always on my mind and l still can't believe he has upped and gone.

@TheHardySeal Welcome to the club none of us want to be in. I know how you feel, like it's a dirty shameful secret which eats away at you. I'm hardly able to tell anyone.