Cannot bear idea of adult DC living back at home

[WitchesofPainswick]

DSD is 28 but after a series of bad relationships and poor decisions she is now essentially homeless and asking to come and live with us.

DH is retired and I work from home but very part-time due to having lost my FT job a few years ago when I developed M.E. We have a small house and I'm largely stuck here all day.

She's hard work. When she stays over she is on her phone all night, which keeps us all awake (voice messaging people, vibrating alerts). Her mental health is poor and she now thinks she has autism (we have other DC who do) which is now being used as a reason for poor behaviour ("I can't mask any more today!"). She's non-binary and talks a lot of paranoid stuff about Trump being in charge of the UK's anti-trans agenda. (She is obsessed with her phone!)

She was always good academically and has a lot of qualifications including post-grad, but has never had a full-time job, only part-time jobs in shops and cafes. Whenever we've tried to talk about this she's said she's got plans for 'next year'. We've tried to help in the past but she totally rejects any suggestions outright and shuts down conversations.

Honestly I cannot bear the thought of her living at home. Living with M.E. is very hard anyway. But she's our daughter and we love her and this is her home too. I'd welcome other perspectives.

It would be a no from me too.
I’ve got two young adult dc and whilst I’m happy for them to bounce back short term if they’re in trouble, I wouldn’t want them moving back in long term (and they’re both reasonable people to live with which it sounds like your dsd isn’t!)

The very fact she says she won’t change her untenable behaviours is all the reason you need to say no. It’s not going to work. She needs to live elsewhere or learn to compromise to live with others. She doesn’t get to impose her antisocial behaviour on you in your home. Why would you be expected to put up with that? If you cave and she doesn’t retool her thinking now, this will forever be a problem.

In your situation, and with a mother who is happy to have her, no. She's not going to be on the streets. This has disaster written all over it.

My youngest DS lived at home until he was 28. He saved hard for his deposit. He worked full time throughout this time and sometimes worked a day over the weekend with his Dad too. He was up on the top floor with his own shower room. He did his fair share around the house, putting out the bins, recycling, putting away the big shop, loading/unloading dishwasher and did his own laundry. He didn't cause a lot of noise and was considerate so I didn't mind him living at home whilst saving a deposit. My elder DS lived at home until almost 26 again worked full time and long hours as a lorry driver, again on the top floor sharing the shower room with his brother. Both boys used to cook one night a week for the family too. Neither of my boys caused any problems and wouldn't have played loud music all night. DH and I were happy to allow them to stay because they were not a bit of trouble and they were both helpful about the house and elder DS used to mow the garden grass each week because DH has a knee problem. I think with your DD it's different. She doesn't work full time despite having good qualifications so she'd be there far more, she's inconsiderate and you have not mentioned her helping around the house with chores. I'd offer to loan her bond money for a room in a shared house and to store some of her things if necessary. I'd buy her a first shop and invite her over for a meal each week/weekend. I couldn't put up with anyone so inconsiderate of others needs living in my home.

She’s not even your daughter.. absolutely not in your circumstance with ME, she can go to her mother.

You keep your boundaries and say she can’t move in with you (but perhaps support independent living in some way)
Possible potential outcomes - she feels resentful /angry, you feel guilty, relationship with her deteriorates.
or
You decide to allow her to move in as you feel you can’t cope with feeling guilty.
Possible potential outcomes - she behaves as expected but feels resentful /angry when any issues are raised. You feel angry / resentful. Your mental and physical health are impacted. Your relationship with her deteriorates. Your relationship with your DH also deteriorates because of the strain.

It would be a hard no from me. From what you've said she's made no attempt whatsoever to grow up, and has no consideration for other people.

I'm sorry, it's a firm no from me too.
She can't have her own ' boundaries' ie, intrusive phone, music, etc..and you not have yours!
My feeling, from what you've written, is that it will try your and DH's sanity to the point of destruction.

IF, you can come up with a list of mutually agreed conditions with a "set in stone" leaving date, like a contract ending, for instance, it might just work, but that very much depends on her maturity, and it sounds dubious, to say the least.

Be honest, will she agree to that, and more importantly, abide by them?

You and DH need to ask yourselves this and actually imagine the worst case senario.

You are definitely doing her no favours by indulging entitled behaviour that could be catastrophic to your health and your marriage.

1. Strict time limit, ie 6 months tops.

2. No intrusive noise, AT ALL! Not just after 10pm

3. Financial contribution for food, bills, etc...

4. Contribution with house chores, cleaning, bins, cooking...

Much like any other living arrangements, in fact.

OP, good luck...I wouldn't be in your shoes and you sound like a saint for even considering it.

Considering your ME and her having her mother she can move into with, there really isn’t any issue with you saying no.

While I do believe there are some MH issues at play, I think a lot of people nowadays use buzzwords as a cop out for everything. I have similar struggles with my DD (although younger) and I also find it very hard to live with her now. But every attempt at communication constantly backfires and I everything is overwhelming, a sensory overload, this and that but still refusing to seek medical help. Plus everything online is taken as fact.

It does worry me how they’ll cope as adults in a world that will chew you up in a second.

Don’t do it, @op

just don’t.

once you let her in, it will spoil your life, and is she’s as you have described, you’re going to have a hell of a job getting her out again