Cannot bear idea of adult DC living back at home

[WitchesofPainswick]

DSD is 28 but after a series of bad relationships and poor decisions she is now essentially homeless and asking to come and live with us.

DH is retired and I work from home but very part-time due to having lost my FT job a few years ago when I developed M.E. We have a small house and I'm largely stuck here all day.

She's hard work. When she stays over she is on her phone all night, which keeps us all awake (voice messaging people, vibrating alerts). Her mental health is poor and she now thinks she has autism (we have other DC who do) which is now being used as a reason for poor behaviour ("I can't mask any more today!"). She's non-binary and talks a lot of paranoid stuff about Trump being in charge of the UK's anti-trans agenda. (She is obsessed with her phone!)

She was always good academically and has a lot of qualifications including post-grad, but has never had a full-time job, only part-time jobs in shops and cafes. Whenever we've tried to talk about this she's said she's got plans for 'next year'. We've tried to help in the past but she totally rejects any suggestions outright and shuts down conversations.

Honestly I cannot bear the thought of her living at home. Living with M.E. is very hard anyway. But she's our daughter and we love her and this is her home too. I'd welcome other perspectives.

She can listen through headphones then

Absolutely not. I had my son(28) live back home with me after a relationship breakdown but on the understanding he was saving for a house deposit. We generally got on but it was difficult at times.
Your step daughter has the option to live with her mum. Her dad doesn't want her to move in so why do you feel you have to take her in? Are you a softer option?
Your health and well being is more important

Well word it that obviously she won't be happy living in your quiet home but you will be happy to help her find a rental wherever she chooses..... Even if you have to bung her some cash as an incentive.. Suggest a diagnosis and she may be eligible for benefits /other help with finding a flat...

Put your foot down and tell her no. I faced homelessness when I was 20 and had my daughter, my partner worked full time and I did evening shifts at the local supermarket to make ends meet, before finding my full time job before my baby was a year old. Adversity builds strength.

Set rules from the start:

-rent costs £ per month
-chores include xyz
-no noise after 11pm

if she breaks any of the rules give her 4 weeks notice.

Honestly, she wouldn't stick to any rules. She always has a reason why she can't do chores e.g. back ache, injured wrist, finds hoover noise triggering, cut herself washing up, etc etc.

God I'd do anything to keep my perfectly decent adult son out of my house! At 30 and having lived separately for 12 years it would be a recipe for disaster. Please don't take her in.

Her go-to excuse always seems to be autism. You also need to tell her what you need. M.E. can be debilitating and the last thing you need is stress.

A couple of things op.

I think you have to have a conversation with her along the lines of “how will coming home help?”

Obviously it will give her some financial respite, but ultimately, she is going to have to support herself financially.

She could have more emotional support at home, and structure, but it doesn’t sound like she is open to advice or to changing her routines?

As the parent of two YAs, one of whom with ASD, I would say that her moving in with you could just be enabling more of the same behaviour but without any of the natural consequences she is suffering now,

This sounds harsh but I don’t think it’s our job to make our twenty-eight year old adult child’s life more comfortable, even when YAs with autism often take longer to mature,

Comfort might be the worst thing for her atm. She may need to be outside of her comfort zone to learn and grow. And if it’s all a disaster, she might have to reconcile with her mum.

The only caveat I would say is, please try and put your scepticism about your sdd’s autism aside. It presents very differently in women as compared with the men. My dd with ASD did exceptionally well at school, as it was very structured, but she fell apart when she had to organise her own time at uni. She also found the sensory challenges of the workplace demanding; it was overwhelmingly loud, bright, distracting. Conversely, she needs the light on and to listen to a podcast in order to sleep.

These things may seem contradictory but they are fairly classic signs of ASD. For this reason, you have to be very careful about how you explain that you don’t want her living at home. This should be her dad’s task for a start. But it needs to be done very sensitively and couched in terms of what is best for her. Please don’t make her feel unwanted as people with ASD suffer with this all of their lives, making them extremely sensitive to rejection.

Instead I would offer to help her with her ASD. Is she formally diagnosed? Maybe you could help her with that instead? For my dd, diagnosis was very empowering bc it offered an explanation as to why she was finding life so difficult, it helped her develop strategies around it, and most importantly, it helped her find the right path of study and profession which took her ASD in to account. There will be a job out there that suits your sdd op, but she may need help finding it and moving forward to a new start.

Autism is not an excuse for not doing housework or for playing music all night without headphones. She's taking the piss. You're doing her no favours by enabling this.

Sounds like she finally needs to hear the word NO.
You have to put yourself first sometimes op, you have a chronic condition that she will make worse.
She's 28, she can find a room share like most other adults or apologise to her mother and live with her.
She has got other options, she just wants to choose your house.

She has had many self-diagnoses in the past and self-identities and I suspect that at the root of it all is likely to be an attachment disorder. However, she had not gone through with any formal diagnostic processes for any of it, even though we have paid for things (including therapy) - she ends up not turning up.

I am sympathetic but we do also have other DC with autism and they get very cross with her as they find it a bit offensive as it's all very OTT.

I completely agree with this.

I would offer to help her find a room in a shared house, possibly help with the first months rent but that would be it. She has to stand on her own feet, living with in your home will be a recipe for disaster. Tell her she is always welcome to visit and will receive a warm welcome but due to your circumstances she can’t stay overnight or live with you.

Make sure either your husband tells her this or you tell her together with him leading the conversation so she can’t say it is you not letting her live with you because she is your step daughter.

Best wishes OP.

She’s 28 not 8.

i would not let her in. Otherwise you’ll have a hell of a job kicking her out. And I assure you she won’t go willingly.

I would have the conversation with her that her behaviour makes her impossible to live with so unless she changes then she is not going to be able to live with you or likely anyone else.

My DD can try and play the autism / adhd card to justify some of her bad behaviour but it’s our job as parents to help them understand what the world does and doesn’t accept. We make lots of concessions but I don’t think constant pandering helps anyone when it comes to making a life for themselves.

I wouldn’t see her homeless but it would be my house and my rules and if she didn’t like it she could leave

Well then she can’t live at yours because you need peace to sleep. She can’t be needing your help to house her and dictating the terms. It’s really that simple. If she won’t - or ‘can’t’ - live by the rules, she goes to her mum’s. She’s really got no leverage or power here.

My DD has autism and adhd (diagnosed and medicated).

I would phrase it as you want to encourage her to live as an independent adult and give her the support she needs to live her life. That’s how I’m selling it to my DD.

she is in point of fact impossible to live with (which is why none of her friends from her previous house shares want to let her live in with them) but it doesn’t do her self esteem any good to say that to her.

in fact my DD has started to realise she is happier alone and is now looking for a one bedroom or studio to rent which I think is far more likely to be succcesful.

i’m glad that she has realised this for herself.

This is very difficult op I'm inclined to think that it would be best to avoid (at all and any cost) her moving back in. It will be bad for her and bad for you!

You have paid for therapy and she doesn't turn up?!
This is pretty bad☹️ she already treats you with contempt, if you roll over and let her move in she'll be even more contemptuous of you.
I think you have to be strong and make her face up to her own problems and stand on her own two feet.

No sorry that won't work for us here. She isn't on the street atm now is she ?.She does have options , like her mother, she just doesn't want to do it. Tough . At 28, with education , she can support herself . Don't worry about her being mad at you , she will be the same if you let her home and she breaks the rules . Just say NO 💐

Nailed it.

I think say we love you but unfortunately due to my ill health and work commitments and dads reasons we can’t have you move in permanently but you are always welcome for a night if you need some company…

it sounds hard work and tbh you need to say no somehow, really her dad should be saying no.

She just wants somewhere she can live for free and do what she likes with no consequences, under those circumstances you have to say no for your own sanity!

I think as difficult as it might be to saying no to her coming 'home' - it will be more difficult trying to live with her and her behaviour (even if you didn't have ME) or trying to get her to leave when she does not follow any ground rules/boundaries you wish to set.
I would say no - your previous behaviour - all the things you have highlighted above means that this will not work for me and your dad. You need to have your phone etc to sleep all this has a negative impact on us that we are not prepared to tolerate.
If she is truly homeless than she needs to present herself as such at the council and worse case scenario she will end up in temp accommodation - where she is welcome to visit you x amount of times a week - use the washing machine or whatever you feel will help.
Alternatively, she can go to her mother's.
You cannot sacrifice your health and well being for hers - when she is not prepared to make any changes.

OP, if you focus on her behavior as the reason for not having her back living with you she will promise that she will change her behaviour, you will know that she probably won't but if you challenge her that might open another can of worms.

It might be better to focus on reasons where she can't claim that she will do things differently in order to counter your refusal to have living back with you.