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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Cannot bear idea of adult DC living back at home

60 replies

WitchesofPainswick · 22/04/2025 09:38

DSD is 28 but after a series of bad relationships and poor decisions she is now essentially homeless and asking to come and live with us.

DH is retired and I work from home but very part-time due to having lost my FT job a few years ago when I developed M.E. We have a small house and I'm largely stuck here all day.

She's hard work. When she stays over she is on her phone all night, which keeps us all awake (voice messaging people, vibrating alerts). Her mental health is poor and she now thinks she has autism (we have other DC who do) which is now being used as a reason for poor behaviour ("I can't mask any more today!"). She's non-binary and talks a lot of paranoid stuff about Trump being in charge of the UK's anti-trans agenda. (She is obsessed with her phone!)

She was always good academically and has a lot of qualifications including post-grad, but has never had a full-time job, only part-time jobs in shops and cafes. Whenever we've tried to talk about this she's said she's got plans for 'next year'. We've tried to help in the past but she totally rejects any suggestions outright and shuts down conversations.

Honestly I cannot bear the thought of her living at home. Living with M.E. is very hard anyway. But she's our daughter and we love her and this is her home too. I'd welcome other perspectives.

OP posts:
Richtea67 · 22/04/2025 09:48

Gosh I have ME and this would be so detrimental to my health...however I couldn't see her living on the streets. I think I would agree to a set time frame ( few weeks) during which time she has to find a house share. And very clear house rules which she has to sign up to (yes I would have them written out and ask her to physically sign). I think anything else and you will be enabling her poor behaviour, and it sounds like she needs to get her act together. What does your DH think though? Would he be supportive of this sort of approach, or saying no altogether?

hattie43 · 22/04/2025 09:49

I think you have to say no . This will not end well if she moves in .

3LemonsAndLime · 22/04/2025 09:51

Kindly, at 28, your home isn’t her home anymore. It is your home, and for her it is the family home where she will always be welcome to visit and stay, but not live. Whilst I know some posters will say this is harsh or mean, or say ‘my home is my child’s home forever!’, this isn’t a good attitude for a parent to have. You want them to grow, expand and equip them with the skills needed to form their own life away from you - both in terms of housing and partners and children.

So, looking at this situation through this lense, the question isn’t “can she come home?” But “what do I need to do to help her live independently?” This is something you may need to discuss with your daughter.

Without knowing specifics, easy answers include helping her find somewhere to live, loaning or giving her the bond and/or first month or two’s rent. (I think signing to be a guarantor would be a terrible idea - so don’t do that!) It might also include stocking her freezer with food, or her pantry and fridge with a “first shop” or having a standing invite to have her over for dinner twice a week to give her family contact, but still living independently. Pivot and focus the conversation on what assistance you can give to keep her living independently, refuse to accept living back at home permanently is an option.

Viviennemary · 22/04/2025 09:51

Just say no. I couldn't bear it either. She sounds massively entitled and inconsiderate That is better than having to ask her to leave.

AnotherMondayYay · 22/04/2025 09:52

Step daughter? Where is her mum?

I wouldn’t say no if she had no option but I would be firm on the rules and give her a timeframe that she has to work towards finding her own place.

AnotherMondayYay · 22/04/2025 09:53

I think you need to give her a dose of reality that she’s pushing 30 and needs to grow up and get a proper job full time.

Original poster
WitchesofPainswick · 22/04/2025 09:55

Her dad does not want her back at home - but if it's the last resort, of course we feel we can't say no. He finds it very hard indeed, especially how she won't engage in constructive conversation about things.

She has fallen out with her mum although that is largely one-sided and her mum would love to support her. She does struggle to maintain friendships and relationships.

I appreciate the messages of support because I feel terrible about it. MN always seems to err on the side of 'it's always their home...' and I feel like a bad parent.

OP posts:
PatsFruitCake · 22/04/2025 09:56

No don't agree to this, especially with your health problems and working from home. I work from home and my MIL stayed with us briefly recently. We get on fine but it was incredibly distracting and I couldn't get anything done.

ICantBeDoingWithThat · 22/04/2025 10:02

If you let her back you will have all the stresses on your health, plus more stress when it all gets too much (and it will) then the huge fall out when you try to get her to be independent and leave. It doesn't sound like she is willing to get a job sufficiently paying to properly support herself. She will be leaning on you for financial help. Personally I would be encouraging her to go to her mother's.

AnotherMondayYay · 22/04/2025 10:03

Maybe telling her no will give her the shake up she needs.

Richtea67 · 22/04/2025 10:04

Based on your update and that she can go to her mums, I would definitely be saying a firm no.

Octavia64 · 22/04/2025 10:09

I have a hard work DC who is currently back at home due to illness (Covid very badly).

I felt obliged to take her in but it has had an impact on my physical and mental health and we’re both now working towards her living independently soon.

in your shoes I would offer support, financial or otherwise, and be there for her but not let her move in.

it’s been a bloody hard year for me.

JengaTower124 · 22/04/2025 10:21

It would be a no, she can go to her mum. Your place isnt suitable

redphonecase · 22/04/2025 10:23

Sit down and discuss the ground rules. All phones off and downstairs from 10pm, no loud music/banging of doors etc after that point. Share of chores, cooking etc. This is a temporary solution and predicated on the search for work being her full-time job.

KierEagan · 22/04/2025 10:29

redphonecase · 22/04/2025 10:23

Sit down and discuss the ground rules. All phones off and downstairs from 10pm, no loud music/banging of doors etc after that point. Share of chores, cooking etc. This is a temporary solution and predicated on the search for work being her full-time job.

What happens when she inevitably doesn't stick to any of it? Getting someone out of your home is a LOT more difficult than saying no in the first instance.

FuckityFux · 22/04/2025 10:31

Definitely NO!

She still has options and she has to learn to compromise and how to co-exist with other people.

Maybe being ‘homeless’ for a short while might jolt her into finally growing up?

Original poster
WitchesofPainswick · 22/04/2025 10:31

redphonecase · 22/04/2025 10:23

Sit down and discuss the ground rules. All phones off and downstairs from 10pm, no loud music/banging of doors etc after that point. Share of chores, cooking etc. This is a temporary solution and predicated on the search for work being her full-time job.

She says she can't do this because she needs music all night to sleep because of her 'autism' (sorry for sounding cynical but I am).

OP posts:
AluckyEllie · 22/04/2025 10:32

No. Don’t let her in. Could you help with a contribution to rent? She sounds like hard work and someone that always has an excuse for
not growing up.

LongHoliday01 · 22/04/2025 10:34

You won’t be able to enforce rules such as phone downstairs at 10pm when she is a grown adult. I think you have to say no sorry. I would rather give her some money for a deposit for a house share or something.

Purplecatshopaholic · 22/04/2025 10:35

Don’t have her back unless you want the relationship to break down completely, and possibly your marriage as well. This has disaster written all over it. But then I don’t subscribe to the ‘it’s always their home too’ POV - no, it really isn’t. And she’s 28 ffs. Help her from a distance of course.

redphonecase · 22/04/2025 10:41

WitchesofPainswick · 22/04/2025 10:31

She says she can't do this because she needs music all night to sleep because of her 'autism' (sorry for sounding cynical but I am).

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Tough. She can have a separate ipod or something with headphones if she insists. which mustn't be audible outside her room.

TeeBee · 22/04/2025 10:42

WitchesofPainswick · 22/04/2025 10:31

She says she can't do this because she needs music all night to sleep because of her 'autism' (sorry for sounding cynical but I am).

Show quote history

That's what earbuds are for. There is absolutely no need to be playing music out loud.
I think you should just say no; your life and illness means that your home is no longer suitable for housing other people. I'd offer to help her find an alternative.

Iheartmysmart · 22/04/2025 10:44

Personally I would say no. DS and his girlfriend are moving in with ex-DH soon however they will have their own floor in the house with a bathroom, bedroom and living space. The only room that will be shared is the kitchen. Ex-DH works long hours out of the house and it will work fine for all of them.

There is no way it would work if DS moved back into my flat with me, especially as I wfh full time. We’d all be miserable.

Beamur · 22/04/2025 10:48

It has disaster written all over it.
If neither of you want this, then you have to have a conversation with her and say that she can't stay with you and maybe explore other ways you can support her.

curious79 · 22/04/2025 10:48

I think you need to think about and then articulate your boundaries for if she does come home. When, how long for, rules of the house when she is there (noise, phone use, coming and going, people visiting, how she speaks to you etc), expectations of contribution, both financial and cleaning etc.

Literally write them up - get ChatGPT to help create some.

You need to be clear she is coming back as an adult, not as a child of the house.