Charging rent....culturally not typical

[cakedup]

My 19 year old ds is at uni, lives at home with just myself and gets full maintenance loan. Father has been estranged since ds was a baby so I have always been the sole provider. My salary covers my bills but not much else, I'm basically down to zero at the end of the month. Ds has more than enough to live on, at the moment for example he has £2k in his account.

I was born in UK, but have a Mediterranean background. I was never charged rent when I was at home, living with my dad. Culturally this was the norm...you don't charge you're own child rent to live at home. Although I contributed in other ways ie I did all the cleaning and most cooking.

I feel so bad about asking ds for money! It jist doesn't feel right. Even ds is aware that culturally we don't do this.

Do I just carry on, at least until he has left uni? Plenty of parents support their kids at uni don't they?

But if you can't afford it, then he has to contribute. The cultural aspect is irrelevant. And it won't do him any harm to learn a little bit about real adult life.

Perhaps he could help out with groceries? I understand how you feel.

I have never charged mine rent but surely he can contribute to food if you are struggling

He does ask if I need anything when he goes to the shops, picks up the odd thing. I've cut down on shopping so he tops up for things he needs himself eg fruit, sandwiches for lunch.

He buys stuff for his bedroom eg recently chest of draws, new blinds. Stuff my dad used to always pay for!

Can I ask why?

Sit him down and tell him you’re struggling and have nothing at the end of the month. Tell him it would help if he could contribute something once a month. It doesn’t have to be ‘market rate’ etc. A contribution.

Talk together to come up with an amount you both think is fair. My children would understand this.

Ask if he.can pay "a bill" so he's contributing but you are not asking for weekly rent.

Also fridge is on its last legs....he has offered to buy a new one when it finally breaks. I'd rather that type of contribution, it feels more acceptable.

That might be an idea. He has ocd so uses a lot of water, perhaps he can pay that.

Because they're my children. Wouldn't occur to me ?

Tbh I probably wouldn't think of it myself, my dp (who doesn't live with us) keeps bringing it up as he knows I struggle financially. He'll always refer back to when he was 16 and working he'd put money on the table etc

Yes....that is how I truly feel.

Btw I meant my dad paid for when I was at home

I would not charge my dc rent while still at uni. There is no loan system here and they didn't get a grant. My parents didn't charge me rent while at uni either but I didn't get a grant either and only worked during the summer holidays so didn't have money.

I don't know if I would charge rent if they moved home. If they were saving for a house I definitely wouldn't do long as they were saving.

However, that sounds completely different to your circumstances. If you are struggling and he has plenty of money, getting him to pay a bill or buy food makes sense. I would suggest talking to him honestly and seeing what he suggests.

Ds gets more than enough. Again, he gets the full amount because the household income is low.

Yes let him buy a new fridge no guilt, you are not "failing" in anything if you need or even want a financial contribution to the household.

He sounds a decent lad don't let your pride get in the way.

If he was in Uni accomodation he would have to pay for food at a minimum. I suggest you ask him to contribute to that, even £25 shouldn't be achievable. Can he also work?

OP while your DS is your child he's an adult

He will already have an idea you have little money so have a discussion with him about a contribution.

I’m on a lowish income (mature student with a part time job), ds is also studying part time and working part time. He gives me 20% of his wages each month.. I actually think it’s a really important life skill that you pay your bills first, and put something in savings, before you have your ‘fun’ money. You really need to reframe it in your mind as a positive for his future.

Not currently, I told him he has to get a summer job for experience.

How about just asking if he can help out every now and then rather than charging rent?
It's not part of our culture either but if I was in a similar situation, that's the way I'd do it and explain that I hate to do this but life is tough currently.

I’m going through the same (and same background) but DD doesn’t even get a maintenance loan because she decided last minute to do uni fully online… from home. She’s now home 24/7, you can imagine how my food and heating bills went up. She also hasn’t had a job since last summer.

I’m very torn on what to do because I have been trying to make things as comfortable as possible, but the paycheck to paycheck is starting to get under my skin. I’m just exhausted. DD isn’t like yours though, she wouldn’t even think of spending £5 towards the house.

That definitely feels easier than charging rent. In fact, last week I didn't do the usual weekly shop. When ds asked why, I said I was a bit stretched and there's plenty of food at home to keep us going. He immediately went to the supermarket and bought a few bits.