Charging rent....culturally not typical

[cakedup]

My 19 year old ds is at uni, lives at home with just myself and gets full maintenance loan. Father has been estranged since ds was a baby so I have always been the sole provider. My salary covers my bills but not much else, I'm basically down to zero at the end of the month. Ds has more than enough to live on, at the moment for example he has £2k in his account.

I was born in UK, but have a Mediterranean background. I was never charged rent when I was at home, living with my dad. Culturally this was the norm...you don't charge you're own child rent to live at home. Although I contributed in other ways ie I did all the cleaning and most cooking.

I feel so bad about asking ds for money! It jist doesn't feel right. Even ds is aware that culturally we don't do this.

Do I just carry on, at least until he has left uni? Plenty of parents support their kids at uni don't they?

He sounds like a good lad. You've obviously done a good job on him.

He is at uni and living at home with full loan, so yes I do think he should contribute if you are struggling. He is old enough for you to have an honest conversation around how much extra cost having him live with you is. So perhaps you continue to do the food shopping you can afford but he understands if he wants extra he needs to get it himself. All things like toiletries and clothes he needs to buy for himself. Do not worry about cultural norms, just do what works for you eithin your budget.

I'm pleasantly surprised to hear from others in a similar situation, it seems the norm on here to charge adult children rent. Pleased others understand the cultural aspect.

I'll go one step further and suggest (with hard hat on) that gender might also have a role (particularly in some cultures?). My dad would have been far to proud, as the 'provider' to take money from me when I was at home. Even now, in my 50s, because I'm single (different for married sister) he wouldn't let me pay for a meal and still puts £20 in my hand as I'm leaving after a visit! I know he wouldn't do that if he had a son.

However, these really are different times with the cost of living crippling Many of us.

He's clearly aware of your situation, and he sounds absolutely lovely. So yes, let him buy the fridge. It will probably make him feel good, as well as helping you.

I wouldn't charge for accommodation (rent) but would expect a contribution for food and utilities. If he was not living at home e.g in Uni accommodation your bills would be lower. His full maintenance loan is given to him for that purpose so you shouldn't feel guilty for taking some if his money.

@cakedup I’ve been reconsidering and struggling with what to do purely because of her not even having a maintenance loan - it’s really something she should have thought about before springing this on me last minute.

My family wouldn’t charge me rent and always tried to help, but then in uni I had to manage with my scholarship.

Like yours, my DP thinks she needs a push in order to grow because he finds it senseless that I have to struggle while DD 20 has plenty of money to get her by (she has an inheritance she had access to since 18 but doesn’t want to touch to use it towards a deposit eventually).

He needs to pay at least the cost of his food, travel, mobile, any leisure, clothes, and the water bill would also be good.

You're still housing him for free which is more than generous considering he's an adult with an income and you're struggling.

We do this already! He buys his own clothes, toiletries (except for shower gel and shampoo), additional groceries and stuff for his room (recently bought chest of draws and new blinds). He pays for his own subscription to Disney plus.

He gets a lot of student maintenance, it surprised me!

That's your answer. He's getting the full amount with the expectation of needing to pay rent/food/bills.

The reality is that you are on a low income, so it doesn't actually matter what your dad paid for or what mn says about rent. There will be a lot of single parent and low income families that do charge rent or payment in some form because they need it.

Yes that's what dp says. His ds is also at uni, gets the same amount but it all goes on accommodation.

Does she not qualify because it's online uni? That doesn't seem right.

He already pays for all that except for mobile, which his gran has always paid. Water bill is exceptionally high as he has ocd and uses a LOT of water.

@cakedup

I think you need to stop thinking about it in terms of 'charging rent' . It's about adults contributing to the household budget.
My son is at uni. For various reasons he is financially better off than many students. He's not rolling in cash but he does work, runs a car and can save a bit each month.
I'm the summer holidays he will contribute to the household budget, probably £300 a month. I'm the short holidays I don't bother. He also contributes in other ways, will pay a bill, pick up some shopping, pay for a meal or a takeaway.
I'm 60 this year and he is 21. We are having a city break to celebrate. I'll pay for the holiday- he'll pick up the food costs. I'm still paying most of the costs but he's contributing and he likes to feel that he is
It's all very well people saying it wouldn't occur to them, they wouldn't dream of it, but if you haven't got the money, you haven't got the money
When he was 18 I sat down with my son and went through the household finances with him. At that point he was earning and my income had reduced when he turned 18. Whilst I could technically afford to keep him, it would have meant a significant reduction in lifestyle if he didn't chip in. So he does, and it works

@cakedup apparently because she lives at home and it’s fully online you are not entitled to maintenance loans as there are no additional expenses, you just get your student loan for the tuition - I was surprised too and I kinda wish she had checked with me before going ahead with it. She made a lot of decisions under the assumption that I was fine with it.

Ds gets more than enough. Again, he gets the full amount because the household income is low

I would assume the amount he has been given factors in paying rent & bills. I think £50/week would be reasonable to cover food & bills.

My parents never charged me but they could afford to do so. It sounds like you don't have enough spare to be as generous as your Dad.

You make some good points and your son sounds very mature!

I’ve never charged my 2 adult DS’s rent, one is all take, but has moved out last month as he has saved for over 10 years for a deposit, the other would give me his last pound, he pays for holidays, meals out, theatre tickets. In your case OP, I would ask him if he’d prefer to give you an amount each month towards food and bills, or if he’s happy paying for a food shop say twice a month.

You will have lost child benefit, cms possibly and any other top benefits, home compensating for these is very fair

You would not be 'charging him rent' you would be asking him to contribute to his living costs out of his maintenance loan because you can't afford to cover all his expenses, and to help you to stay in your family home more comfortably.
Does your culture not also support people having respect for their parents and helping them out when necessary? Now is the time for DS to help out!

Part of the bills, half the food shop - yes. Rent - no.

It's also cultural for me. I haven't even heard about people charging their kids rent prior to visiting the UK. The concept is alien where I come from. I find it a bit morally bankrupt, I must say. Profiting from your own kids.

Same as your family coming to visit, for example and staying in the hotel. If I'd suggest that to my parents - they'd probably disown me and would be insulted to the core. Other way around too, DD and me, we go visit them each summer for up to two months. If I said we'd be staying at the rented acccom, they'd think I've gone insane and would never understand.

My (adult) brother lives with my parents. It's a massive house, manor-like, they fit there nicely. No one ever thought to charge him rent, dad owns the house outright, land bought and house built outright, no morgage. So to charge his own son rent when he himself doesn't pay for the house? That's just ridiculous.

Bro will be moving out soon, to one of the properties also owned by my parents. Rent free.

So I understand the cultural element very well. But it's completely fine to ask him to contribute to the household costs, if you're struggling. Nothing wrong with that.

On your culture would it typically be Mum's job to provide financially? Or Dad's? What's typical for single parent families in your home country?

I think the 'pay a bill' solution is perfect BTW. I'm just interested in how different cultures split things in modern times compared to traditionally.

@MeliusMoriQuamServire

This subject comes up frequently
I'm someone whose adult child makes a contribution to the household budget. I'm not morally bankrupt, I'm not charging him rent. I'm certainly not making a profit and spending it on luxuries for me.
He is a financially independent adult, making a financial contribution to the running of his home. He is happy to do so because he's a grown up and he's fully aware it's a fraction of what he would be paying in a rented place.
When we visit my parents in this country we no longer stay in their house even though they have room. They are elderly, in poor health, staying puts too much stress on then particularly my mother.
They are unable to travel to us. Even if they could they can't stay here, my stepdad can't get up the stairs and I'd be worried about my mum falling so there is no where for them to sleep. My son had a significant event last year, my family rallied round with elaborate arrangements to get them here, including a hotel with disabled access rooms. In the event they didn't make it because of health issues.
Is it really so hard to understand that other people's circumstances might mean that what you take for granted might not work for others?
People who start these threads are quite often single parents who are struggling to make ends meet, with adult children often earning as much or more than they are. I once read a heartbreaking thread from a pensioner who was financially crippled to the extent of having to get job because her son contributed nothing to the household. Now that's what I can morally bankrupt- on the part of the son.
It's not about making a profit or charging rent - it's about keeping a roof over their heads

I would never charge a uni student, even those who work holidays, but once they have a job after uni, then it's fair.

Why did he get a full maintenance loan if he wasn't intending to pay rent anywhere??? That's what it is for otherwise it's way more than he needs. Of course he should pay something to you. It would be different if he had no/minimum loan.

@cakedup I never charged any rent to DS , but he did give a bit of keep for food.