Charging rent....culturally not typical

[cakedup]

My 19 year old ds is at uni, lives at home with just myself and gets full maintenance loan. Father has been estranged since ds was a baby so I have always been the sole provider. My salary covers my bills but not much else, I'm basically down to zero at the end of the month. Ds has more than enough to live on, at the moment for example he has £2k in his account.

I was born in UK, but have a Mediterranean background. I was never charged rent when I was at home, living with my dad. Culturally this was the norm...you don't charge you're own child rent to live at home. Although I contributed in other ways ie I did all the cleaning and most cooking.

I feel so bad about asking ds for money! It jist doesn't feel right. Even ds is aware that culturally we don't do this.

Do I just carry on, at least until he has left uni? Plenty of parents support their kids at uni don't they?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a contribution to bills. Sometimes young people chose not to see what’s in front of them because it’s better for them not to. We were horrified to see my nephew go on foreign long haul holidays and run two cars whilst living at home for free while my sil was unable to afford to even get her haircut - when she finally asked him for a contribution he didn’t see what had changed - she’d looked after him his entire life without asking for a contribution- why was it any different now he had earnings. He should have known he should have seen how much his mother was struggling but it suited him not to. Your ds would need to pay for his board if he lived away from home as a student - you can’t afford to allow him to live at home for free - it’s sad that he can’t see that. Hiding behind cultural norms is no excuse.

The dad would be the main financial provider. I'm not sure, but I would imagine that would continue to some extent if they split up....I really don't know how 1 parent families operate, I think it's less common.

@cakedup in my country then if the grandparents can’t help then the child would need to unfortunately suck it up and work to contribute.

I think because it’s not culturally typical but they’re also not surrounded by their culture (like my DD) they don’t really understand we’re not the typical household. A mono parental household just operates differently in terms of budget.

Do you think the fact that your parents own a 'manor-like' massive house, and own multiple other properties, might indicate they wouldn't need your brother to pay rent even if it was a cultural element? Whereas if they were on the bones of their arse, they might?

Adult child, eating food, using electricity water and gas, no rent etc. Why shouldn’t they pay? If they have enough to save a bit, spend a bit, clothe themselves, they can contribute some of what’s left. If they haven’t been mollycoddled, they shouldn’t need prompting. They should help with chores too. I’m amazed at parents who continue to pay for car insurance, petrol, mobile phone bills etc while the adult child is earning more than the parents! If it’s a struggling student, that’s different. If indulgent parents want their great lazy lumps of children to loll around with the bank of Mum and Dad backing them up, carry on, but they’ll never get rid of them, and they’ll never have a self sufficient, capable , independent child either!

When did it change to being called rent? When I was young we paid board as adults to our parents to cover our costs (it won't have covered them) but paying board was always expected and acceptable, changing to rent seems to have changed the perception of covering costs to parents making money.

He sounds like a lovely son OP. I know it's hard to charge your own DC because you have always provided for them. Let him contribute bits of shopping and if the fridge breaks buy a new one. Also if he has quite a lot of money suggests he saves some. Once they have finished in education is the time I've asked my DC for financial contribution. Up to that point I've given them money to help them out, but DD didn't get a full maintenance loan.

My 20 yr ds pays me 300 pcm for bills and food. It hasn't done him any harm. He has over 10k in savings goes out runs a car plus holidays abroad.i need the help and am definitely not profiting as has been suggested further up the thread!

Definitely don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask your DS to pay towards his living costs. Especially since you are struggling with the cost of living.

It’s not rent! It’s his share of the bills basically. He’d be paying massively more if he was living away from home, so there can be a good balance between him saving money and you not being disadvantaged by having another adult living at home.

Sounds like he is understanding. Work out roughly what it costs extra to have him living at home and then talk about it together. I think it teaches respect for others and good money management personally.

£2000 in the bank, but he watches you struggle? Do I really need to add anything to that?

I brought up my dc alone too and didn’t earn much. I remember it was a struggle when she was at home in the long holidays from Uni and I had lost getting tax credits and child benefits single person discount etc. Lucky she went away for Uni though. I didn’t ask for money but did charge rent as soon as a first job was started after graduation. I just had to tighten my belt for those 3 years and remember it was a finite period

I charge mine BUT I never would charge a young person in education. They have no spare money, for a start. I waited until they came home again, got a job and a few months has passed, then they started financially contributing.

I have noticed that families that do not teach their working adult children to contribute towards household bills and food are doing them no favours. They end up squandering their income and save very little money.

The sooner they grow up and learn to face adult responsibilities the better it is for them.

Ds wastes his money a lot less than other friends who are more mollycoddled.

Even if I was loaded I would charge. Those who can afford it can always put it away for a house deposit. I am a one income household so have to charge but personally I feel it is a good life skill.

D s earns more than me in any case!

Mine gets the same OP and I have started charging £100 a month towards food costs.

He gets the maximum loan like yours but he is working as well.

Massive generalisation there . We never charged either of ours , they are both super savers and very responsible with money . It’s nothing to do with parents taking money off them it’s about bringing them up properly and teaching them to budget from a young age .

I agree. My three young adults are very sensible with money and are all good savers. We never charged them.

My two are at school /college. I have been very clear to both of them. I can support them whilst they are in education. After that they either pay some rent or move out and I downsize the house.

He can as a bare minimum buy his own breakfast and lunch things and share the cost of communal items like milk and shared meals. I didn’t charge rent but i wasn’t in a position to need to as their dad gave me maintenance until final one graduated, guilt appeasement because he was happy for me to have them with me and do all the paperwork still (one has Sen)

I have had exactly the same discussion with my colleague. Her son earns 2k and contributes nothing, while she’s struggling. We pointed out that she’s not doing him any favours. He won’t learn to budget or manage money if she lets him carry on. She’s Nigerian so I think
has a similar attitude to the OP.

If he’s got money in hand, does he actually need to take the full loan? Don’t forget, he is being charged interest on it from the minute he gets it.

The thing is, in more communal cultures, grown children take a hell of a lot more responsibility for their parents in adulthood than British people do. So while parents do support their adult children more in the early years of adulthood, it is all very mutual. Whereas if your DS will be following the British path (having been born and bred in UK I assume), he'll do a lot less for you as an adult, so it makes sense to charge him rent.

Charging a university student anything is a difficult concept for me. My culture tells me that it is a parent’s responsibility to cover essential living expenses, like food and rent whether the student lives at home or away. Students are only responsible financially for luxuries such as socializing.

if you really can’t make ends meet, I would ask him to contribute, but I would try to limit that contribution to money from the earnings. Asking for money from student loans that he will have to pay interest on feels worse.

I wouldn't while he's still in education. Different if he had a job

His student loan is calculated to cover living expenses over the summer as well as term time until the final year when he gets a bit less. So actually rent and other cost of living costs are factored into the amount he receives so he should be able to contribute to the "kitty". Tell him you are struggling and with him home the costs have gone up a bit so could he chip in please?

Sounds like he is doing what he can and way more than I did as a uni student living with my struggling single mother.