I find the word so offensive

[Lovetocook49]

I have recently found out that my grown up daughter's bf has been calling her a retard.

He has been doing it to upset her as he knows she really doesn't like the word. I hold my hands up and say it's entirely the upbringing I gave her, I have 35 years experience of working with special needs, so she knows the word origin and what makes it offensive.

In a 'make up' session with the bf , he has said that it no longer has any connotations to special needs and just means someone is stupid ?

I disagree - AIBU 🤷‍♀️

You need to keep out of their relationship to be honest. She also needs to educate him. Some people play' stupid games with each other, my brother used to call me Miss Piggy as a child and I called him Beaker, I call my DH daddy pig and he calls me mummy pig, it's silly behaviours that mean nothing to anyone else. If it upsets her she needs to talk to him, explain what it means. If he continues he needs binning but she needs to do this

Awful word and my kids (16 and 19 ) know it is unacceptable too. I've always picked my kids up on inappropriate language.

I don't have the same experience you've as I've only ever worked in banking but I know when certain language is wrong.

YANBU. And he sounds absolutely awful, I hope she dumps him soon.

I find the word offensive too. But even if I didn't, I wouldn't want a boyfriend who thought it was fine to call me stupid on a regular basis.

I think he's wrong, but I think also he might be a generation that uses it in that way as being so far removed from when it was used otherwise. So basically he might genuinely believe what he is saying, but is still wrong.
BUT more importantly- he knows this is a word she finds upsetting and insulting and he is still using it against her. It doesn't really matter what the word is, if she found being called a muppet or a prat deeply offensive then he should care enough about her feelings and comfort ro just stop doing it. He's being a dick.

This!

To me it's still very offensive and if your daughter finds it so her bf needs to stop it.

If she's told him and he still does it, she needs to dump him. I hope she is aware of her own value and that she doesn't have to tolerate that kind of language.

It's absolutely still offensive, and he's wrong to think otherwise.

And yes, what is she doing with someone who calls her that, knowing that she finds it offensive?

He has been doing it to upset her as he knows she really doesn't like the word.

So he's been bullying your daughter? What have I just read. If my partner found out they'd said something upsetting to me, they wouldn't say it again. Because they love me. If they kept saying it I'd have to assume they didn't like me very much, if they were actively trying to upset me... what does your daughter think?

Tell her that if she isn't willing to tolerate it, but she doesn't actually make any changes like leaving someone who calls her such a vile word, she is tolerating and accepting it. Only she can change it.

And repeatedly saying she's stupid would be ok?
Regardless of which generation or definition ,it's not a term of indearment,there's nothing acceptable about it.
I hope she dumps him.

The word is horrible. But it's more the meaning, even if he used more socially appropriate words it would still be disgusting that he's calling her names. Why is she with someone who belittles her? She can do so much better. I hope she can see this and gets rid.

When you said i put my hands up i thought the rest of the sentence will be about how you modeled low self esteem and staying with an emotionally abusive partner or something.
She should dump him.

Agreed.
I also find the word offensive but, if young people don't, and don't know it's history and to them it's just a word like 'silly' I actually think that's all to the good. The past is a foreign country with a different language to young people and older people could do well to remember that. The same words can mean very different things to older and younger people and older people shouldn't be allowed to write the dictionary that is then set in stone. Personally I think this is especially true of offensive words. I think it much better to take the offense out of the word than, the word out of the language. If words are no longer offensive this leaves people who want to use them as insults disarmed (although I know new insults will be invented to replace them).

Having said all that, if your daughter doesn't want him to call her that, absolutely 100% he should not and its a sign of disrespect and control that he won't stop.

Forget the specific word. You need a conversation about abusive relationships with her.

This.
I would also want to know what else he is doing - could be the thin edge of the wedge.

I'm assuming your DD is talking to you about this and you're not inserting yourself into the relationship

My response to to the "it just means someone is stupid" excuse (which is rubbish btw) would be to ask why it would be any better that her boyfriend is calling her stupid in order to upset her. That's not loving or funny, it's just mistreatment.

She deserves better than somone who calls her ugly names knowing she doesn't like it. You're not going to be able to order her to give him up, but you can at least tell her that.

Yep, agree

Whatever the word he uses is, it is how he is using it.
Your DD has told someone who is supposed to care about her that she finds some he does is upsetting, and he has told her she is wrong to feel that way.
Your DD clearly has bigger problems than just that word.

NB no I would not tolerate that word, just as there are other offensive words which are used more widely by some people now.

You should tell your DD that she deserves better than a mean minded, pathetic young man who purposely uses insults to upset someone he's supposed to care about.

I know we're all supposed to "keep out" of their relationships but sadly, they don't magically transform into wise adults on their 18th birthday.

Whether it is or isn't offensive is irrelevant to the red flag in his behaviour.

She doesn't like it. It wouldn't matter if it was a completely innocuous, she has told him she doesn't like it. He should respect that.

The fact that he doesn't is an even bigger issue and while I agree with you, focus on the word itself is detracting from the real behaviour here.

So this one is interesting. In my mind the worm”retard” is originally Latin for the word slow. For example the word in French for slow/late is retarder.

So the word isn’t necessarily offensive HOWEVER the context is everything. Everyone knows the word is now used to insult and is seen negatively. The boyfriend sounds like a dirtbag.

But she’s a grown up and it’s her relationship. If he does it in front of you call him up on it. I would talk to her about her worth and being with someone who feels it’s okay to call her names.