I find the word so offensive

[Lovetocook49]

I have recently found out that my grown up daughter's bf has been calling her a retard.

He has been doing it to upset her as he knows she really doesn't like the word. I hold my hands up and say it's entirely the upbringing I gave her, I have 35 years experience of working with special needs, so she knows the word origin and what makes it offensive.

In a 'make up' session with the bf , he has said that it no longer has any connotations to special needs and just means someone is stupid ?

I disagree - AIBU 🤷‍♀️

As PP have said, the word in particular isn't the biggest issue, it's that she is with someone who apparently thinks it is ok to use words to upset someone deliberately. However you interpret the word the intent is to upset her.

I find the it offensive and if I heard someone use it I would tell them so. I don't know how old your daughter is but presumably old enough to speak up if her boyfriend is offending her? She can also end the relationship if her boyfriend thinks it's funny to call her offensive names!

I wouldn't care about the word if it was used jokily between them, but I would care very much that he's deliberately upsetting her. Big red flag.

I disagree with his definition of the word, even if he right, he is calling her stupid still.

It's nothing like that. It's a disgusting, derogatory word used to humiliated and degrade people with additional learning needs, physical and mental disabilities.

If it's been pointed out to him that she doesn't like it and it's an offensive term and he continues to do it whilst minimising it and gaslighting her then he's already abusing her. What's next? He's a walking red flag.

I'm a chemist, we might refer to a reaction being 'retarded'. Massively different context, and also grammar (verb) rather than noun , and pronunciation- stress on the second syllable not the nasty mocking 'you REtard'.
There's zero excuse for the latter, or for applying the word in any form to a person.
And of course telling someone they're stupid deliberately to upset them isn't on either.

he has said that it no longer has any connotations to special needs and just means someone is stupid ?

I disagree, I think it has become less acceptable, not more.

You don't need to hold up your hands like you're guilty of something - everyone knows 'retard' is not on. Hence he's using it.

It's not interesting. Everyone knows 'retard' = slow. Would you want to be called slow?

Why does the word upset you more than the fact he is using it towards your DD? Would it be better if he called her a bitch, tart, whatever, just as long as he doesn't call her THAT word. If it were my DD I'd be having a conversation about toxic relationships and how to get out of one.

" more importantly- he knows this is a word she finds upsetting and insulting and he is still using it against her. It doesn't really matter what the word is, if she found being called a muppet or a prat deeply offensive then he should care enough about her feelings and comfort ro just stop doing it. He's being a dick."

Exactly. He thinks it's funnto wind her up.. suggest ro he she might consider why he thinks this is okay - and whether she thinks it's good boyfriend behaviour. And if she doesn't think it's okay, to ask herself why is she still with him

It's highy offensive, but even if he called her 'stupid' that's just unacceptable. How is it appropriate that her boyfriend is namecalling her?
She needs to have boundaries and leave.

It was a word used a lot when I was 14/15 to call someone stupid (usually to my our friends mucking about) but obviously as I’ve got older I realise it unacceptable to use it and highly offensive. The fact they are grown up and not teenagers is even worse

(Edited by MNHQ for offensive word)
That was used as an insult in the 1970s when I was a kid, and I don't think it's lost any of its negative associations- I mean he could say that about many racial/learning disability words. 'S**z' was also used a lot back then and no one would use that now. He's very wrong and she needs to shut him down every time he uses it. The fact that he calls her that is unacceptable for a boyfriend.

Actually I think that is an even more interesting question.
Let's say retard means learning disabled/slow (it doesn't mean that to everyone though).
Why is it an insult to describe someone that way? It's not a character fault like being mean.
Sorry, off on a complete tangent.

It's offensive. And why does he think it's ok to call her stupid anyway? It's horrible whatever way you look at it.

It’s an offensive word. It’s not even up for debate, really.

I think your adult daughter should be dealing with this without running to her mum though.

Not sure nicknames based on Peppa Pig and 'retard' are like for like tbh.

OP YANBU. He sounds horrible. Agree she has to be the one educating him though, unless he said it in front of you.

It definitely had its time (particularly in the US) as a word that just meant 'stupid' or 'idiot' - basically a generic insult - similar to how kids in the late 80s/early 90s would call someone 'gay' as a put down without a care in the world for their sexual orientation (or even knowing what it meant).

That time seems past (or at least passing) though.

You say your daughter's partner is grown up though...she should tell him to use his big boy words.

Ugh! He sounds ignorant and vile.

Hopefully, rather than wasting effort trying to educate him into being a decent human, she'll dump him and find someone who is thoroughly decent and treats her respectfully.

I think 99% of replies will agree that he shouldn’t be using that word in any context really, especially aimed at someone he’s supposed to love/care for.

However, it’s important to recognise she’s an adult now, so she’s presumably capable of navigating this herself. Absolutely have your opinion, but leave her to her relationship.

It's not actually an offensive word. It's a factual word- but it's being used in an offensive way.

Kids / people say all sorts behind closed doors in the name of fooling around. I'd keep bloody out of it unless she needs your help.

We can pretend people don't say anything daft or offensive in the comfort of their own homes but they do and they're allowed to. Jehovas witnesses call non witnesses 'satanists '. They're allowed to ! So long as they're not saying it to our faces as that would be unacceptable. I think we forget, people are actually allowed to say and think whatever they want. When it's said publicly or actions are implemented to harm a person or group that's when it becomes a moral and legal wrong.

Like it or not, we can't police people's private words and thoughts , however distasteful.

I don't personally find it particularly offense as I don't see it as much different from idiot. In fact, as 'retarded' is an actual useful word to describe something being slower than expected, I think it's actually preferable to idiot as the latter is only used to mean stupid person. But that's just my personal opinion and as I know most people do find it offensive, I don't use it.

But all this is entirely irrelevant to the bf calling your dd names after she has specifically requested he stop. He could be calling her anything at all, even something complimentary or loving, and if she has asked him to stop, he needs to stop. If he does not stop, she needs to walk away as he clearly doesn't respect her.