Please tell me how to be positive about the empty nest..

[ssd]

Youngest moved out recently and decided have an empty nest. Its not uni, its proper moved out. About a couple of hours away.
I feel lost and bleak and really really low.

Can anyone who has been through it tell me what to do to be more positive?

I feel im sinking. I work, see friends, have a good dh. Ive got no more family outside my own dh and kids.

It scares me how low i get. I didn't expect this.

I have only had children go to uni, but that is hard enough - the phantom umbilical pain is so real. It took me about six weeks to get used to it, then I started to appreciate that I didn't have to be making meals so often, there was less cleaning and tidying up to do. In brief, I started to appreciate having more time to myself. I was also proud of the kids forging a new life outside the parental home. You will get there. You are just struggling with the transition.

You are not alone - but you know that! It hit me like a tonne of bricks and I couldn’t imagine ever feeling as “fulfilled” as I was when I had a busy family home.

it helps to do something you wouldn’t have had the time or inclination to do when the kids were at home. Sports! Travel? Hobbies? I started volunteering a couple of evenings a week doing something that mattered to me - a year on and I am loving my “new” life.

It does get better.

You get your life back, OP, with no responsibilities. Sounds pretty positive to me! You are an important person in your own right, not just somebody's mother.

I understand how you feel. I felt very lost when my children moved out. An awful lot of my identity was 'mum'. Of course I'm still a mum but it's very different compared to them being at home.

It took me a while to figure out what I liked and who I was. I tried lots of new things, things I never had time for. I still love to cook, read, be with family and friends but I've found out I love running, I'm doing a new course to advance my career, I love traveling, I love having a dog and I now absolutely love the freedom of no children at home.

It takes time but you will figure it out. In the mean time be compassionate with yourself as it does feel like a kind of loss.

I have been struggling and mines still a teenager but she’s so independent and always out living her best life. I think it’s a completely natural reaction after them being our whole world for so long.

Pour into yourself. Plan nice things with you DH and friends.

I also felt very lost and low.
i feel that the meaningful part of my life is complete now - everything else is just filler.
once i got my head round that, it got better. That, for me, I am now creating meaning , or in my case accepting that nothing is very meaningful now.

i really enjoy- going to bed early and watching what i want on the laptop.
eating what i want (DH is fairly compliant)
having lovely weekends away with DH
we bough a Campervan and it’s been great, we often go away last minute and it’s really fun.

it will be okay, I still miss my DC every day but they irritate me a bit when they’re home too long 😂mainly because I’m pulled back into cooking something that everyone likes…

also, probably a bad idea but could you get a pet if you don’t have one?

I concentrated on the fact that I’d raised my children to be independent, which is our job as a parent.

I then enjoyed the luxury of my house staying clean and tidy. I enjoyed the peace and quiet that broke out and I loved having the house all to myself.

Can you make arrangements for a weekend away near one of your DCs? Take them out for dinner and catch up?

We did that recently with ours, it was lovely. They really appreciated being treated as their rent is an awful lot of money.

Im trying to keep busy. Its hard though. I dont really have hobbies, theres nothing i fancy.

I never used to have hobbies but have now found a few things I like to do. Maybe try a few things out, just see how they go without putting pressure on yourself. I tried a local,choir, it didn’t work out as I found it cliquey. I’m now looking for another one. Do you work? Volunteer?

It takes time, it's a huge adjustment.
You need to find what brings you joy and purpose, that also can take time after so long being so focused on DCs.

What I found helpful was having trips to see my DCs in their respective cities.

Ds moved out for a job and dd for university within a day of each other.

I'd visit ds for a day trip and I'd stay over in dd's city for a few days. We'd catch up, go to art galleries, nice cafes etc

This gave me something to look forward to and maintained our connection.

In the meantime I journalled a lot to process how I was feeling, turned ds room into a snug/study for me, took long baths, walks with DH and our dog, saw friends more etc

One thing I've realised is you never stop being their parent, and they often come back home for a bit 😁

Its true you never stop being a parent.

This resonated so much with me.

Totally different circumstances, but after DH died I had conversations with a number of people trying to find things I could do to socialise more - none of which I was at all interested in, mainly cos they were other people's interests not mine.
In the end I found things which I really enjoy, and which provide me with enough social contact, but it took time.

I hope you work through this low and find things that improve your life.

I agree with the concept of finding purpose, not just filling time. Volunteering maybe, it can be very rewarding if you find the right fit.

You could take a moment to pat yourself on the back that you have raised two humans that have the knowledge and skills and confidence to live independently.

You can then review the contents of your full fridge, in a tidy kitchen, and note you don’t have to buy quite so many toilet rolls and do laundry whenever you want because the machine isn’t being hogged by them 😉

You now have the gift of time - to reconnect with your husband, to go on holidays that suit you without having to compromise for the sake of others, to try out new things, hang out with friends, find new friends. The world is out there to grasp!

What did you like to do as a child, OP, or before you became a parent? Taking some time to think about that might spark something.

I don't want my house to stay clean and tidy 😭

You say you've got a good DH? I suggest you work on a "new" relationship with him. Start having fun and doing things together. Men don't understand the empty nest thing, especially if it goes on and on. It can seriously impact your relationship.

Can you turn to your husband and work out a way forward together?

That's what DH and I are doing now that DD has moved out.

X post with @ginasevern!

Though I think men can miss their adult DC - they just have to be stoic about it.

I completely agree - most men (including my DH) positively look forward to the empty nest and/or it doesn’t make much difference to their everyday life as (like it or not) it tends to be Mum that takes on the organising /emotional sponge role with the children.

I'm 2 yrs on.
I didn't expect to feel so bad as I worked v long hours and had a fulfilling career.
Ds left home and coincided with me downsizing my job to less hours somewhere v dull and my colleagues didn't like me.
I felt quite depressed and lost.
7 months ago I got a much better job where I can enjoy my days and I got another cat who has truly made our house a home again.
DH has even started to be nice at times and recently we had a trip out to see ds who has a nice life.
DD moved hundred of miles away a long time ago and has bought a house.
I'm happy the DC are happy.
It took a while though.

It was a very hard time for me too - despite having career, friends, causes and so on. It felt like the most serious and meaningful part of my life was over - that everything else I might choose to do from then on might be interesting or nice or worthwhile - but at the same time, on some level, it would also be merely filling time. No amount of being rational, or positive thinking, changed that feeling for a long time.
I think you just have to accept you will feel sad and unsettled for a while - and go with it and not try to avoid it or fight it. Be kind to yourself. It's a huge change in your life - and it is a loss. It's part of the long path of parenthood.
And you do emerge from it, and find new ways of living, and start to enjoy the freedoms and opportunities of having adult children. It does get better. My life is as happy as it's ever been now - just in a different way.

I have a disabled non verbal child who will never leave home, and never be safe outside my home. She cannot say no and can be hurt and can’t tell anyone.
I have to outlive her to protect her and will never get a chance to be anything other than mother until she or I die.

so there’s that.

💐