Am I right to be frustrated by this?

[Nikki3009]

Sorry for the slightly ambiguous title! I want a safe space to have a little vent and also to get others’ POV.
My 20 yr old daughter is unexpectedly living at home and is currently a dormant student, she was supposed to go into yr 3 in Sept but still has year 2 work to complete, so she’s working on that in order to go into yr 3.

Anyhow, it’s just me and her and food is a huge issue. Firstly, I’m a single parent on a relatively low income, I work full time but with the cost of living, money is tight. She is aware of this but somehow feels it’s totally acceptable to get up late morning and make herself a dinner, but then also expect a dinner in the evening!

An additional problem is that she’s a vegetarian, I’m not, so it’s a bit of a struggle to come up with meals to suit both of us. When I have leftovers I tend to use them for dinner the next day and she knows this, but I’ve lost track of the amount of times I’ve come in from work only to find she’s eaten what we were going to have for dinner!

When I tried to talk to her about this, she got so upset and made out that I was being mean and stingy and that I never had enough food in the house. She also said she doesn’t have breakfast so needs something substantial for lunch! A sandwich won’t cut it!

She’s also very wasteful, I want over budget last week buying the ingredients for her to make grain bowls, which I wouldn’t mind But she’s wasted most of the fresh stuff and I’ve had to throw it away because it’s been in the fridge for more than a few days and she said she wouldn’t eat it!

She has no income, doesn’t contribute and seems incredibly entitled since she came back from uni - she wenf to a London uni and most of her peers seem to come from very wealthy backgrounds, with everything paid for and money burning a whole in their pockets!

In many respects she’s lovely, so I shouldn’t moan, but this food thing drives me up the wall. Her attitude towards it is sh*t but whenever it’s broached she has a meltdown! (Food has been an issue for many years in one way or another). And she doesn’t seem to want to make any effort to contribute or help the situation!

sorry, it’s long - thanks for listening!

Think she needs a part-time job and to be contributing. I’d wager she’s not doing her coursework full-time in any case. A job might help focus her mind on getting back to university if she doesn’t like conditions at home. She’s massively taking advantage of you, isn’t she?

So she's at home because she was lazy and didn't finish her uni work? And now isn't contributing but is increasing your bills through her wastefulness? No thanks. She needs to get a job and at least contribute. If it's easier to avoid talking about food say she needs to contribute to household costs in general.

Tricky.

What does she say when you tell her that you just can't afford for her to be eating all of the food?

If she doesn't have breakfast at breakfast time then can't she have breakfast at lunch time instead?

Obviously there needs to be enough food but I think I'd cut down on the choices so she has to eat what there is.

As an aside, my DD's flatmate is in the same position, he failed a few modules as he was ill and then he failed the resits of the modules as he hadn't been to the lectures in the first place. So he's resitting those but he's working full time as well.

She has no income, doesn’t contribute and seems incredibly entitled since she came back from uni

I think she needs to get at least a part-time job and contribute towards the food bill.

You are supporting two adults on a tight budget. Treat her like the adult she is and go over the budget with her and ask for her help on figuring out how to best "stretch" the food allowance so that you both have enough to eat.

But bottom line is that she really should be contributing.

As a mother of three daughters ( eldest 29) don’t let the tiny tears manipulate you.

She is a grown adult woman and old enough to get a weekend/part time job.

Any specialist food/recipes she funds herself.

You are doing neither of you any favours for letting her behave like a 10 year old.

You simply cannot afford to take on the added costs of adult in your house at the moment. If you had plenty of money it wouldn’t be an issue - but in your circumstances it is.

If she don’t contribute - she moves out and goes on benefits. Yeah I know that’s tough but I’ve been where you are and having an adult offspring take the piss out of you is not what you need.

Can she claim benefits? She needs to get a job and contribute towards household expenses. She also needs to do her fair share of chores.

I would suggest separating your food and hers completely, trying to shop/eat together with such differing preferences and attitudes to food (and waste) isn't working for either of you so it's time to try something else. She's 20 so plenty old enough to shop and cook for herself, it sounds like there generally needs to be a shift from the parent/child dynamic to 2 adults sharing a space.

Who pays for her shopping is something you and her will need to figure out, you could give her a set amount every week if you're still happy to pay for her food, but you'd need to be clear that's it and there are no 'top ups' if she doesn't budget properly. Or you could insist she gets a job and funds it herself, either way it gives you control over what it's costing you, and gives her responsibility for feeding herself.

How do you think that idea would go down with her OP? You could soften it by saying you don't want food to be a battlefield that affects your relationship so you're trying to find practical solutions to remove the conflict if you think she won't take it well. Seems a no-brainer to me though, would take all the stress out of it for you and give her a bit of control over her own life and some adulting practice, which it sounds like she could do with tbh.

Unfortunately I don’t have any good advice but I just wanted to say that I’m struggling with a similar situation - my 20 yo daughter has decided to study from home and now my food budget seems to be out of control, it’s like I can never do enough shopping.

It doesn’t help that my daughter is a snacker, which ends up being a much more expensive way to eat.

My only tip (my daughter went through many food phases - vegan, vegetarian, keto… you name it; currently it’s all protein) is if you can, order everything online in a big chunk and stick to eat. I can’t do that anymore due to geographical constraints on getting food delivered (I don’t drive) and have noticed we spend a lot more with little trips to the supermarket.

Who would be funding her living expenses if she was away at university? Presumably you have agreed to support her if she isn't working and isn't full time education still,
Eating 2 decent meals a day doesn't sound excessive and honestly it sounds like you probably DONT have enough food in the house. But if you can't afford it then she needs to understand that. I'm just confused, if she was being funded for living expenses in some way while away what is different now?

So she's having two meals a day? That's not excessive, that's normal. How much is a weekly budget for food?

Claim benefits?? She needs to get a bloody job.
Benefits

I don’t think 2 meals a day is excessive. The wastage is annoying though.

I bloody hope not! She can get a job not claim benefits!

You’d be surprised. My workplace liaises with some sort of placement scheme for young adults that have been out of work for an extended period and people in their early 20s who have just been sitting at home claiming for whatever reason (I’m not even sure there has to be a reason, like mental health).

One of them was extremely annoyed he couldn’t pursue his dream of writing comics anymore because his father wanted him to finally get a job. He just couldn’t grasp having to pursue his dream on the side.

Could she make herself a big portion of something vegetarian and have half fir her dinner and half for her lunch the next day and you do your own thing?

Why isn't she working? Dd is at uni and working weekends???

you're a relatively low income family unit and food has always been a struggle.
what income does your dd have? any part of her student loan from previous years? who pays her cell phone, bus, small purchases?
how about your cook for yourself (maybe with some extra that you can freeze if uneaten) and let her find funding and source her own for any special dietary food needs. you purchasing additional food products should come only include extra apples potatoes and staples with a long shelf life.

get a small box in the fridge for items she is not to touch (like the stew beef that is thawing or remaining 3 carrots intended for soup or stew).
you will need to have a good conversation with her but since this is not a totally new issue maybe a mediator to help find the middle ground might be of help (do you have priest/minister or someone through workplace mental health that could help).
please don't blame the other students, this is who your daughter is at this current time of development.
how is her year two work progressing?

Definitely needs to get a job and study around that. As she is vegetarian and money is tight tell her you will supply the basics for now but no fancy expensive ingredients. She can live on pasta, rice, baked spuds etc just like any other poor student or unemployed person.

thank you for all your responses! To answer some questions…

DD has been receiving student finance for the past two years, she got the maximum due to my income and living in London, and her Dad also contributed. Those sources have now stopped because she’s a dormant student. Her dad still gives her some money but it doesn’t amount to much. I left him due to abuse so we have limited contact and although he earns a lot of money, this is one area where he was very controlling so it’s a tricky subject.

I agree that two meals per day doesn’t seem excessive - I’d rather she had three! A breakfast, lunch and dinner. The issue is that she gets up at lunchtime and makes herself a fully cooked meal and often uses up what we were going to have for dinner, rather than making herself cheese on toast or something similar.

Admittedly, I am finding it hard to cover the costs/food bills for two adults on one income. And I would like her to get a part time job so that she can buy things like her own toiletries for example - I think it would be better for her self esteem and independence.

I need to sit down with her and show her my finances, and ask her to be more considerate over food. She needs to understand and accept that if she wants expensive coffee, sourdough bread, extra virgin olive oil etc, she needs to put her hand in her pocket! These are all things she asked for on my last shop - things I wouldn’t be buying if she weren’t here!

Reflecting back, I do wonder if this stems from us living with her Dad. He was very controlling over what I spent on food, he’d also stop paying money into our household account if did something wrong ie, once I bought the wrong type of potatoes and he hit the roof and stopped contributing to the food shopping. He also insisted on having steaks and expensive items even though I had a minuscule food budget for 3 people! We’ve only been away from him for a year, and this seems a bit reminiscent of that situation - perhaps I’m feeling triggered.

Thanks all, for taking the time to reply, I need to have a chat with her x

But would a breakfast and a small lunch cost materially less than one bigger lunch? I understand the frustration is that she’s using food meant for dinner, but maybe it would work to buy fewer breakfast/lunch things and more things to batch cook dinner type foods instead? I don’t eat breakfast and don’t like lunch type foods (sandwiches etc) so I have leftovers from the night before for my lunch, then cook an evening meal and have the leftovers from that for lunch the following day etc. I don’t think it works out to be any more expensive than if I was having cereal for breakfast and cheese on toast for lunch etc.

I'd let her go off on one and then go nuclear. Fuck dancing around her attitude to this. Money is tight. She needs to cop on.

As for asking for extra virgin olive oil, the price of it!

I'd be asking her to sit with you and do a food plan and shopping list and to come shopping with you. And yo have dinner fir you ready when you get in!

I know someone in the same position as your DD and while living at home is working full time as a Teaching Assistant and also in a bar evenings and weekends. He fully accepts the reasons he needs to take this year to catch up. I think your DD needs to do the same- it can't be good for her to have so much time on her hands and so little money.

It might be easier and cheaper for you to try to have a few joint vegetarian meals, I would be tempted to tell your DD she needs to pay for and prepare her own food.

@Nikki3009 and are you buying the sourdough and expensive coffee because she asks for it ?

I would scale right back. Buy only basic bread and instant coffee if you don't drink it yourself.Hide ingredients that you need to make the evening meal so she can't use them during the day.

There is absolutely no reason why she can't be looking for a job and buying her own food and toiletries.

Oh and stop asking her what she wants on the shopping list. Buy what you can afford and what is needed. Include enough so she could make some cheap vegetarian meals. If she wants posh grain bowls and virgin olive oil she can earn some money herself.

I understand your frustration about the money but it's coming across as you think one meal a day is fine and really people do need three.

My DD is back from uni. Our arrangement is that we eat breakfast and lunch separately and make and clear up our own. Dinner is joint but reflects what we both eat as otherwise there is waste.

In your shoes I would give her a budget, clear some cupboard and fridge space and get her to make her own breakfast and lunch.

Your original OP does read a bit like you want to really restrict the amount she has available to eat and that would be unreasonable.