Am I right to be frustrated by this?

[Nikki3009]

Sorry for the slightly ambiguous title! I want a safe space to have a little vent and also to get others’ POV.
My 20 yr old daughter is unexpectedly living at home and is currently a dormant student, she was supposed to go into yr 3 in Sept but still has year 2 work to complete, so she’s working on that in order to go into yr 3.

Anyhow, it’s just me and her and food is a huge issue. Firstly, I’m a single parent on a relatively low income, I work full time but with the cost of living, money is tight. She is aware of this but somehow feels it’s totally acceptable to get up late morning and make herself a dinner, but then also expect a dinner in the evening!

An additional problem is that she’s a vegetarian, I’m not, so it’s a bit of a struggle to come up with meals to suit both of us. When I have leftovers I tend to use them for dinner the next day and she knows this, but I’ve lost track of the amount of times I’ve come in from work only to find she’s eaten what we were going to have for dinner!

When I tried to talk to her about this, she got so upset and made out that I was being mean and stingy and that I never had enough food in the house. She also said she doesn’t have breakfast so needs something substantial for lunch! A sandwich won’t cut it!

She’s also very wasteful, I want over budget last week buying the ingredients for her to make grain bowls, which I wouldn’t mind But she’s wasted most of the fresh stuff and I’ve had to throw it away because it’s been in the fridge for more than a few days and she said she wouldn’t eat it!

She has no income, doesn’t contribute and seems incredibly entitled since she came back from uni - she wenf to a London uni and most of her peers seem to come from very wealthy backgrounds, with everything paid for and money burning a whole in their pockets!

In many respects she’s lovely, so I shouldn’t moan, but this food thing drives me up the wall. Her attitude towards it is sh*t but whenever it’s broached she has a meltdown! (Food has been an issue for many years in one way or another). And she doesn’t seem to want to make any effort to contribute or help the situation!

sorry, it’s long - thanks for listening!

I’m not aware of the concept of “dormant student” - but if she’s not actually studying (much if at all) then she needs to work. What do you think she things is going to happen until (if?) she resumes her studies? This is absolutely the time for some tough love, and to move towards a housemates relationship - which means everyone feeds themselves and keeps their own spaces clean and share the responsibilities of keeping communal spaces clean. You need to be very strict at keeping those lines clear, she will pounce on any occasion when you wobble!

Give her the week's food money and tell her to plan , shop and cook for you both for the week.

I agree with those who say separate food and shopping.

You need to get out of the habit of the parent/child dynamic. Think of her as a lodger: an adult with her own life and own finances.

Ideally, she should get herself an income (benefits or work) and then pay you each week for her 'keep'. She is not a child and you should not be financially supporting her.

In the meantime, if you can afford it, give her a small food allowance, her own shelf in the fridge, a cupboard, and let her crack on. Offer to help her plan, offer to take her to the supermarket and give advice, but you have separate baskets / trolleys and she pays for her own.

Later, have very strong words with her if you find she is sneaking your food because she has run out and hasn't budgeted. Time for tough love in this area of life.

Meanwhile, you need a gentle heart-to-heart about her Uni plans. Perhaps take a long walk together to have a chat. Is she serious about completing the course? Was the course a mistake? Can she swap to another course? Is she struggling and out of her depth? Would it be better for her to drop Uni and look for an apprenticeship? Has she discussed her options with her dad or a career's advisor?
She may be terrified of her future and desperate for help.

Seems like she needs a good kick up the butt. She's failing uni basically as she hasn't kept up, never heard if this catching up thing and my husband is a lecturer at a London university. Usually if you fail exams in year 2 you fail and that's it, sometimes you may sit the whole year again but rare.
She should have had a part time job anyway with her studies. Tike to get strict with her

It sounds to me like the dad situation has triggered you but possibly in a different way to what you think. You are sounding very controlling about what your daughter eats and when and it is annoying you if she eats a different thing to what you perceive to be an acceptable lunch item.

In regards to expensive brands and letting food going to waste you are spot on but her wanting leftovers for lunch, when she’s already not eaten anything for breakfast, seems completely reasonable. Lots of people have leftovers from their evening meal as their next day’s lunch and I don’t see how that is any more expensive than having breakfast and a sandwich.

There’s room for compromise here. She needs to start earning and contributing or learn to forgo expensive food types. You need to accept that a grown woman needs to eat more than one meal a day plus a sandwich.

its not just the cost of her having dinner items for breakfast it’s the head work that it causes op. I struggle enough as it is trying to plans dinners/meals every day without having to think of that for her lunch too.

I would be considering giving her some of your food budget to shop for you both as an experiment. Would she make you a serve and cover it in the fridge for you when you get home? A cupboard and freezer full of snackables can be created with food prep, or visit to charity.

Thriftily bought raw meat frozen in individual serves wont tempt her. All three of frozen, tinned and dried veg together so there is something at least. I am vegetarian and cook veg patties first keep them warm and then reuse the pan to cook for the meat eaters. If you have an egg (or flaxseed meal) a different type of fried patty every day is easy and cheap compared to the meat:> I love parsnip ones.

If she is struggling to study working might come at the cost of her completion. I would be feeding her heaps extra and trying to help her, including with deadlines as a first priority. A doctors appointment for comprehensive checks may be a good idea for both of you as there may be some physical issue or she may need vitamins or something.

A few things from me:

• Being at uni and doing well does not mean you can't also have a part time job. When I was at uni some students worked part time in term time; others did jobs in holidays to save up and some did both. She is 20. She should be, at least partially, supporting herself.
• She wouldn't be a dormant student if she made better use of her time when she was at uni. These are the consequences of her actions but it sounds like you are the one paying for it: literally.
• I (vegetarian since 15) lived at home (apart from my uni days) until I was 23. At no point did it occur to me to request specialist expensive ingredients to fund my dietary choices. My parents did buy some veggie stuff for us to eat but there are so many things to be made from a typical shop that are not needing to be specialist or expensive: She is taking the piss.
• when I was a student, there were plenty of vegetarian student cookbooks about (probably online now). A slow cooker and some tins/veg can create plenty of meals on a budget. My slower cooker was less than £15 and recently reviewed on 'Shop Smart, Save Money' as a good buy. A slow cooker might also alleviate some of your meal prep stress and you could batch cook too.
• Learning a few easy vegetarian dishes will benefit her in the long run but maybe you could do a few together to get her started?
• At 20, she isn't too young to be learning about finances and budgeting so it might be a good opportunity to review those things so she better understands money anyway.

Good luck!

Just want to add a viewpoint from someone who really struggled with this when I returned from Uni many years ago. My parents are simple eaters and I grew up eating a mix of pork chops, roasts and frozen food. I thought this was normal until I went to uni and met people who could really cook! Plus at uni you have time and money so making a full on meal twice a day is absolutely fine. I found going home to frozen food and bland meat infuriating and tried to get my parents on board by cooking them meals they’d never had before but because it was their house I expected them to pay for it and I soon realised that what I would spend in a week is what they spent in a month. They still eat a lot simpler than me but now I have my own home and understand the cost and time issue I eat a lot simpler too. This is just a massive lifestyle shift for her and coming home from uni is a really hard adjustment. You can actually live a life of Riley at uni then come back to earth with a bump.
I would let things run its course, encourage her to work and she will soon stop cooking 2 full meals a day that’s for sure.

She needs a job. Is she looking for one? I wouldn’t be happy with her at home not earning and not studying and then complaining there isn’t enough food in. I’d have a chat with her and tell her that she needs a job, and needs to contribute to the household.

Get the house rules sorted!
we had them no matter what age we ‘went home’ even in my late 20s!
talk to her like a grown up - if she is back for a year you guys need a plan … it’s not the same as when she was at school or at uni herself.
how long is the working going to take to finish? What deadlines does she have? Is she still just drifting? What’s her plan the rest of the time?

food - meal plan together within a budget, make her understand and if she wants different things she needs to contribute

sleeping in etc - no! Make her live to a ‘normal’ day, she isn’t a student now and needs to act like a grown up

You’ve had a lot of replies and some very good advice, but all I can do is reiterate what others have said.

she needs a job, and she needs to get up before lunch time.

does she do any chores around the house, if not then give her some.

as for the food, I would sit down together and make a meal plan for a week, get the food in for that , label if need be, but with a planner on the wall you don’t really need to treat her as a child.

do you take a packed lunch ?, when I worked my DH worked from home, I would pack my lunch and do him one and leave it in the fridge. Before the do gooders start saying he should get his own, it suited me todo this much the same reason he then didn’t eat what was earmarked for a different meal. Try doing that, a plate/dish with a note this is lunch. Leave a sticker/note on anything that must not be eaten (I still do this as my children are prone to helping themselves from the fridge when they visit nothing more annoying then seeing your adult son wander in the room munching a chicken leg you had planned to have in a sandwich for tea !)