Am I right to be frustrated by this?

[Nikki3009]

Sorry for the slightly ambiguous title! I want a safe space to have a little vent and also to get others’ POV.
My 20 yr old daughter is unexpectedly living at home and is currently a dormant student, she was supposed to go into yr 3 in Sept but still has year 2 work to complete, so she’s working on that in order to go into yr 3.

Anyhow, it’s just me and her and food is a huge issue. Firstly, I’m a single parent on a relatively low income, I work full time but with the cost of living, money is tight. She is aware of this but somehow feels it’s totally acceptable to get up late morning and make herself a dinner, but then also expect a dinner in the evening!

An additional problem is that she’s a vegetarian, I’m not, so it’s a bit of a struggle to come up with meals to suit both of us. When I have leftovers I tend to use them for dinner the next day and she knows this, but I’ve lost track of the amount of times I’ve come in from work only to find she’s eaten what we were going to have for dinner!

When I tried to talk to her about this, she got so upset and made out that I was being mean and stingy and that I never had enough food in the house. She also said she doesn’t have breakfast so needs something substantial for lunch! A sandwich won’t cut it!

She’s also very wasteful, I want over budget last week buying the ingredients for her to make grain bowls, which I wouldn’t mind But she’s wasted most of the fresh stuff and I’ve had to throw it away because it’s been in the fridge for more than a few days and she said she wouldn’t eat it!

She has no income, doesn’t contribute and seems incredibly entitled since she came back from uni - she wenf to a London uni and most of her peers seem to come from very wealthy backgrounds, with everything paid for and money burning a whole in their pockets!

In many respects she’s lovely, so I shouldn’t moan, but this food thing drives me up the wall. Her attitude towards it is sh*t but whenever it’s broached she has a meltdown! (Food has been an issue for many years in one way or another). And she doesn’t seem to want to make any effort to contribute or help the situation!

sorry, it’s long - thanks for listening!

She’s an adult not in full time education. She needs to get a part time job and pay at least minimal rent and completely cover the cost of her own food and any increase in your household bills. Presumably this arrangement is for a year and she’ll hopefully rejoin uni for Y3 in September.
She must have some understanding of how much things cost as presumably Y1 and 2 she had to pay rent, bills, shopping even if it was covered by her student finance?

She is being really self centred which would infuriate me. I think I would overtly write out a meal plan and be clear that those foods are not for taking . I wouldn't mind both having vegetarian food personally . I would make sure there were oats, bananas , beans and bread type foods available for her to have her daytime meals. If she wants to behave as if you are a hotel and catering to her every whim then she should be paying. In our house the now grown up DC knew that food in the fridge drawers was out of bounds and if they were in need of food which foods or leftovers were up for grabs. I used to make an extra portion of the main meal for one particular DC to have for their lunch the next day.

Does she pl a to just lie about for a year or get her finger out and catch up with uni work and get a job?

She has the time for example to make herself a large veggie lasagne or massive Frittata which will last for a few meals.

I'd tell her to get a job and while she's looking, claim Universal Credit. She needs to pay her share of the bills and for her own food like all other adults have to.

Yes, it’s a good point - the issue is that there’s a lot of breakfast/lunch food - cereals, bread, fruit, eggs, cheese, baked beans, salad etc but I plan dinners because of the veggie/non-veggie aspect and if she’s eating dinner at lunchtime, then it throws dinner plans out of the window! I think it’s the path of least resistance - rather than make herself a decent lunch, she just sees what I’ve got in the fridge for dinner and heats it up! Yesterday, because she’d already eaten her dinner, she ended up having baked beans on toast with a poached egg and actually that worked OK. So I’ve now told her that if she prefers to do that, she can, but I won’t be cooking her evening meal. Let’s see how we go with that!

Yes, and some sourdough while the oven is on!

I would stop buying her toiletries etc. If she wants those, she buys her own. She really should be working - at least part time.

I would also stop buying her specific requests.
Could she do a weekly meal plan for both of you? Stick it on the fridge so that she then knows what she has for each day.

I know it's hard - I've got my 22yo DS back having graduated. Still job hunting, but the nocturnal extra meals are doing my head in! Luckily, we are OK money-wise, but the missing food, mess in the kitchen and missing crockery is a right pain.

These youngsters have grown up with everything on a plate and they can’t somehow accept that now they are adults they have to pay their way. My DD is at uni and she tells me how everyone else is so “rich” compared to us. I find that hard to understand as we are not badly off
for a single parent family. But somehow there is a lot of conspicuous consumption among these uni students and a lot of resentment towards parents who are paying for it all!

They are a self-selecting cross section because the kids with parents who can’t afford uni just are not there.

She needs to realise that adults have to fund themselves. A part time job would be a start. Having said that, it seems easier said than done to get that point across when they come home and feel they can live for “free” like kids. Can you help her look for jobs?

That’s really tricky situation, I’m assuming she won’t start year 3 until next September whenever she finishes as she’s missed the start of the year now ? ( she might be able to do January semester I suppose) so she has no motivation to get on with her work as she has all year to catch up?

I have made some assumptions there - but it does seem like she’s having a nice year out 😳

older teens can be ratbags about food - and are very quick to announce they haven’t been fed properly- I have a 17 dd and she can be a monkey for it .

if you are happy supporting her with this year completely, I would suggest showing her your outgoings and food budget- or talking to her dad about it, and if he’s happy to support this year .

alternatively I would suggest she needs a part time job - then she can get whatever she wants .

it does not seem like you can afford to bank roll a second adult.

side note - if she’s not getting her student loan she might be able to claim some sort of universal credit/ unemployment benefit ? Might be worth a look into

If she’s not studying (and it sounds like she didn’t study enough at uni) then she should be working. It’s very hard on you to be stuck with a dependent adult at this stage who is capable of getting a job. She shouldn’t be getting benefits - the rest of us have to pay for that!!

I think there are two separate issues at play here:

1. How she is going to use the time she finds herself with until next year, and it sounds like she has time to study, and work pt, or at least volunteer, with the ultimate objective of having learned to use her time more effectively by the end of it, and having more money to contribute to the household pot.

1. Food, which you say "has always been an issue for many years in one way or another" and tbh, for that reason alone, I would step back, as I don't think twenty is a good age for food to become an area of conflict between you.

I know it's really, really frustrating for you op, but I would encourage her to eat as much nutritious food she wants, when she wants it, and try and back off and give her as much autonomy as possible, while trying to encourage zero waste.

So her own shelves in the fridge, her own cupboards in the kitchen. Her own food budget. You should not be invested in what she buys, when or what she eats at her age!

I think I'd maybe seek out a vegetarian cooking course for you both or work through a good cookery book together. And other than cooking some big bowls of veggie food yourself say three times a week that she can share on say Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays (simple dishes like chickpea casserole, veggie pasta , and lentil soup) and other than that, I would just leave well alone and let her get on with it.

I think you will achieve far more by modelling good food planning, cooking and eating habits yourself than engaging in conflict over this.

Why would she claim benefits when you’ve just said she can get a job??

Because her mother is struggling with little money and finding it hard to manage. She can claim benefits while looking for a job and give money towards the bills and food in order to help alleviate the situation.

Instead of her jumping to benefits and then looking for a job. How about she looks for a job first?

Because while she's looking for a job, she can give money towards bills and food in order to help alleviate the situation.

She definitely needs her own source of income, or she should be volunteering getting some experience in something.

I think I would just accept that she has leftovers for her lunch but share the cooking equally so she cools one night and you cook the next, and make enough for lunch next day.

At 20 she probably needs to be taught how to budget, meal plan, shop, prep and cook so I would bring her on board with this. If she wants grain bowls she should be cooking her own grains and beans or whatever and storing them in the fridge to eat over a few days, and if she wants sourdough she will have to learn to make it. She might need reminding to do these things at first as it does take some discipline. If she doesn't do it let her have baked beans and egg for every meal instead.

I don't see why she's not working? Lots of people have suggested this but so far it doesn't seem like you're forcing her to?
I was working from 18, paid my way at home and studied. My family wasn't even short of money but my mum made it clear she wasn't giving me anything if I didn't work.
I think you need to firmer with your 20 year old!

I’ve had part time jobs since I was 16! She should be working.

surely she paid for her own food last year? Why is she suddenly not paying her way this year? She needs to get a part time job. I’d tell her she can choose to pay half your shopping bill and eat with you or buy her own food and cook for herself (sounds like a better plan if your diets are very different).

OP could she do something simple like pasta and pesto with a few frozen if she wants a hot lunch?

Sure! Teach her to take the easy way! She sounds lazy enough, so that's the next logical step, scrounge! How about teaching her responsibility and to get a job?!

You can’t claim benefits if you’re still registered as a student as technically you get student finance maintenance loans to fund yourself at uni. I’m wondering if she got one this year even if living at hone, my sister had to retake her second year and still got the maintenance loan for the year, even if living at home, which was some income at least for food, travel etc.

I'd sit down and have a serious conversation, as ultimately, the reason that her other sources of finance have dried up are down to her (lack of) actions. This is the consequence, unfortunately, of not doing her coursework within the year and moving into yr 3.
I do wonder if she is feeling a little down, possibly even a MH issue if she's effectively paused uni, not been able to complete the year (presumably not seeing friends she's made or keeping up), potentially worrying about her future. However, she needs to stand on her own feet a bit, if those are issues, you can be there to help her sort them out BUT you can't fix them for her.
Instead of arguing over the little bits, have a proper chat about how she funds her time at home, what's a fair contribution. Maybe you agree she doesn't need to pay rent or bills but does buy the weekly shop (or if you want to be even more generous, just her own dinners) - in order to do that she might need a weekend job, or a pt job, or babysitting in the evenings etc.
Agree some boundaries, agree how she works to manage those with you, and find out what help she needs from you to get there. Explain why you can't afford to fund her, and that you're struggling and calmly, at a time when you're not arguing, agree a plan and move forward
I'd also suggest you build in some chores (maybe she does her own washing and cleans the bathroom, or cooks twice a week). She needs to realise the world has shifted a little bit (not completely) and that you're still her mum, her home is still her home BUT she'd an adult and you both need to work out what that means to one another (equally this goes both ways, no nagging her, no treating her like a child, if she pays for her own food she can cook whatever she likes for lunch etc)
I think you've both probably got a little stuck in parent/child mode, so she's regressed to a child and you're stuck parenting a fully grown woman, so you might both need to shift a little in behavious to get where you want to be, and she might need some MH support and some love as I'm sure she feels rubbish about missing out on yr 3, being back with her mum etc etc

Totally agree with all of this, I think the more she gets told what to do, the more she will regress to being a grumpy teenager and the more adversarial the relationship becomes, which can create control issues around food (especially if she feels her life is otherwise spinning out of control given the issues at uni). Much better to agree how she funds herself, give her some support and then let her work out how she wants to live....