One of my daughters lives near us in student accommodation, where her bf also lives.
He is a lovely young man, he really is.
They are both in their early twenties and both quite young for their age.
Our other DD is studying further away. No more DC at home.
It's hard to put in to words why I am posting, as I know many mumsnetters have adult children, and their gfs or bfs, living at home permanently, which is far more demanding than my situation, but I guess I am someone who likes their privacy and quiet.
I am definitely not a smother-mother type! I did feel upset for several months when my dds first left home, and still get the odd empty-nester twinge, but I am used to it now, and I am proud of my dds and their new found independence, and of who they are growing up to be, and of course I'm very happy to see them when they do come home for holidays.
The problem is that the DD who lives further away, comes home for holidays at set times, sometimes with a friend, and sometimes not. But it's planned and predictable and DH and I enjoy seeing her and then she's gone again all too soon.
But my other dd who lives close by just pops in randomly with her bf at any time of the day or evening , and she will text ahead sometimes, but sometimes she won't. And it's her home too so why not? We feed them both regularly and all's good. It's just that I don't feel I can truly relax in my own home anymore. Can't take my bra off and clean in my scraggy t-shirt, that sort of thing. Dh and I are aware we can't have spontaneous alone moments! And I don't enjoy laying out my hobby on the dining room table and somehow relishing the peace because any moment they might pop by. It obviously wouldn't matter if it was just my dd, but I don't know her bf that well.
But it's more than that. I am struggling with the fact that obviously my dd tells her bf everything and I feel a bit uneasy about it, like our family's privacy has been invaded, and I also feel a bit judged, if I am honest. Like all of a sudden my dd has a separate loyalty and it's not just to us, which is of course very natural.
Is this a normal reaction or am I being ridiculous? It's obvious that she has discussed our finances, some of our family struggles, and although there are no terrible secrets or anything, it's a hard transition to make from having a very close ongoing relationship with your child, and then all of a sudden, someone else is always there all of the time.
Final question, how much effort do you put in to these relationships with the bfs and gfs of your adult dc? Obviously, they are very young and I don't know if this one will last the distance or not, so I want to be welcoming and hospitable, and I want to do the very best I can for my dd, but equally how much are we expected to plan our life to accommodate them both eg Christmas? How seriously do you treat these early relationships? I don't remember my parents putting themselves out for any of my bfs before I met dh, but parenting is more hands on nowadays.
I know this sounds awful of me and ideally I should keep a gleaming home with food available at all hours and go with the flow, and to a great extent we do, but sometimes we would like to know when we could expect to have a bit of privacy. Is that unreasonable or not?
Please can anyone with experience of these sorts of situation advise?
How do you get used to total strangers entering your family unit? Apart from some casual fleeting friendships with boys at school, this is the first serious relationship either of my dds have had, so I guess this is why it's a big adjustment.
Thank you for reading to this point and for any pointers!