Struggling with integration of new bf in to family life, anyone else?

[Abitfrazzledandfaded693]

One of my daughters lives near us in student accommodation, where her bf also lives.

He is a lovely young man, he really is.
They are both in their early twenties and both quite young for their age.

Our other DD is studying further away. No more DC at home.

It's hard to put in to words why I am posting, as I know many mumsnetters have adult children, and their gfs or bfs, living at home permanently, which is far more demanding than my situation, but I guess I am someone who likes their privacy and quiet.

I am definitely not a smother-mother type! I did feel upset for several months when my dds first left home, and still get the odd empty-nester twinge, but I am used to it now, and I am proud of my dds and their new found independence, and of who they are growing up to be, and of course I'm very happy to see them when they do come home for holidays.

The problem is that the DD who lives further away, comes home for holidays at set times, sometimes with a friend, and sometimes not. But it's planned and predictable and DH and I enjoy seeing her and then she's gone again all too soon.

But my other dd who lives close by just pops in randomly with her bf at any time of the day or evening , and she will text ahead sometimes, but sometimes she won't. And it's her home too so why not? We feed them both regularly and all's good. It's just that I don't feel I can truly relax in my own home anymore. Can't take my bra off and clean in my scraggy t-shirt, that sort of thing. Dh and I are aware we can't have spontaneous alone moments! And I don't enjoy laying out my hobby on the dining room table and somehow relishing the peace because any moment they might pop by. It obviously wouldn't matter if it was just my dd, but I don't know her bf that well.

But it's more than that. I am struggling with the fact that obviously my dd tells her bf everything and I feel a bit uneasy about it, like our family's privacy has been invaded, and I also feel a bit judged, if I am honest. Like all of a sudden my dd has a separate loyalty and it's not just to us, which is of course very natural.

Is this a normal reaction or am I being ridiculous? It's obvious that she has discussed our finances, some of our family struggles, and although there are no terrible secrets or anything, it's a hard transition to make from having a very close ongoing relationship with your child, and then all of a sudden, someone else is always there all of the time.

Final question, how much effort do you put in to these relationships with the bfs and gfs of your adult dc? Obviously, they are very young and I don't know if this one will last the distance or not, so I want to be welcoming and hospitable, and I want to do the very best I can for my dd, but equally how much are we expected to plan our life to accommodate them both eg Christmas? How seriously do you treat these early relationships? I don't remember my parents putting themselves out for any of my bfs before I met dh, but parenting is more hands on nowadays.

I know this sounds awful of me and ideally I should keep a gleaming home with food available at all hours and go with the flow, and to a great extent we do, but sometimes we would like to know when we could expect to have a bit of privacy. Is that unreasonable or not?

Please can anyone with experience of these sorts of situation advise?

How do you get used to total strangers entering your family unit? Apart from some casual fleeting friendships with boys at school, this is the first serious relationship either of my dds have had, so I guess this is why it's a big adjustment.

Thank you for reading to this point and for any pointers!

I have to confess I would find that difficult
Have always liked notice of guests
My DC late teens /20s all live away ,always ask if they can come home , ,never mind bring a friend

Do you mind me asking at what point you treated your adult children’s gfs and bfs as “official” if that makes sense?
My IL's didn't particularly consider me as significant when I became now DH's girlfriend when he was 20. I overheard them saying that they wished they could see him by himself sometimes. He was at uni and when he came back to his family home, he always invited me. Now I understand their point of view but, at the time, it certainly made me feel negativity towards them which continued for a fair few years. It even affected the amount we saw them once we became parents.
Now my DC are a similar age to yours, I treat every partner as if they could be 'the one', I don't want to risk history repeating itself!

I feel you! Mental health wise I really need to be able to relax and be unselfconscious in my home and I just can't seem to do that if anyone outside the immediate family is present.

It's very much me and not them.

I also struggle with wanting them to feel it's still their home versus never really being able to switch off as I don't know when someone is walking in the door.

DS girlfriend is sometimes still in bed after he's gone off to work and I'm often unsure if she's behind the closed bedroom door or not.

I don't know how to manage it without pushing them away.

I am the eldest sibling and bf (now DH) started coming for Christmas when siblings were young.
As an only child who was mostly brought up by his grandparents a family Christmas with 7 of us was quite the adjustment. Not sure he got a word in the first year. But I did not expect my parents or the others to adjust to him. He just had to get on board.

He, and subsequently other siblings partners were always included in everything from the start. But no-one has ever been expected to put themselves out.

I am struggling with the fact that obviously my dd tells her bf everything and I feel a bit uneasy about it, like our family's privacy has been invaded

I empathise! What does 'everything' entail? Personally I wouldn't be comfortable if one of my sons divulged details of family dramas or our finances or similar to a girlfriend of just 7 months.

It's very much different times
My DS brought a girl home and I walked into the kitchen and she was making toasties
Have known my ILS 40 years and would not dream of doing that

Motheranddaughter
that’s very polite of them! 😃

I don’t ask that of my dds because I feel virtually the same when they are here ifyswim
but maybe that will change the more time they are away.

Thank you for the adult child’s perspective
Crunched.
I understand why you would be hurt by that but equally I do wish sometimes that I could see my dd by herself, not that I have ever verbalised that.

If it’s any reassurance to you, all these years on, it’s not because I dislike him, it’s nothing personal at all, it’s just that dd and I naturally fall back in to our customary deep relationship “zone” when we are alone together, and it’s obviously different when her bf is on the scene. And I miss being close to her. Obviously I understand that she would far rather be with him, so I take your post on board!

ResultsMayVary
Thank you so much, that is such an eloquent post which describes exactly what I am feeling. You have described it better than I can.

Given how you feel, I think you are being really very kind to let your ds’s gf stay when he is not around. I would absolutely hate not knowing who is here and who is not!

A parent of three adult children I know has a white board hung up in the hall, and insists that they sign themselves and their friends in and out 😃.

I hear you! It really is!

They seem to have got very close very fast. And even before that, let’s just say that dd didn’t find it particularly easy to keep a secret!

I had a period of depression during the pandemic and I haven’t asked dd1, but I think she has told him about that. That’s her right as it affected all of the family. But nonetheless I feel a bit odd about it. I recovered fairly quickly but it’s not something I always care to share.

it’s not something I always care to share.

I would definitely talk to her about this, and anything else you'd prefer to keep private, and ask her to be more discreet in future.

Hello OP. Being a parent of a grown person is most definitely a challenge for me, in many ways. I have three kids all young adults living with me.

I would say, there is no one size fits all, when it comes to this. Each one of us has to find a way to make it work and it may be different for each child. I also feel that my house is always going to be their house too, but I most definitely expect them to text me if they are bringing someone home, friend or girlfriend. I want to know if and who will stay for dinner etc. I try to welcome each of their partners with a warm greeting in the beginning and a hug, as we get closer.

I have this loose rule that the relationship has to be stable before we allow certain things. So, after a year, they are allowed occasional sleepover, they will be invited to Christmas dinner and similar family gatherings, I will buy them small gifts for Christmas and birthdays. I have to admit that I value my privacy and my personal space a lot and am not crazy about having people going in and out at all times, so I made sure my kids know this. They have been respectful of this, for the most part.

I understand how you feel about sharing secret. I just heard my youngest tell her boyfriend something we discussed about her sister’s boyfriend, and I did not like that. However, when I think about it, I realize that these are their partners and they will be sharing intimate details with them, there is nothing we can do about it. Perhaps all we can do is tell them not to, if there are things that we feel strongly, should be kept amongst the family members and hope that they will respect it.

I will be following this thread closely as I am interested in other people’s experiences too.

I'm not sure how to answer that. Our kids' friends were always welcome and three of the first four spouses were part of a friend group so not unfamiliar. Once they started doing things more as a pair, it was already rather a thing and it was clear pretty early on that it could go somewhere.

The first 3 weddings happened in 2010, 2012, and 2013, and the two latter pairs were already together for the first wedding so we were pretty used to "extras" from the start. They all knew one another to some degree which helped as well.

Our youngest son met his fiancée through a different friend group. She was pretty overwhelmed at first, but fairly quickly found her footing and is embracing being part of a big family. I don't think her family's biggest gathering is as big as our regular birthday dinners (when we're all in town, oldest daughter and her husband live on a mountain top a few states away) as we number 21 when we're all here.

I'm not sure if that really answered your question or not, but I'll take another stab at it if you have more specific questions :-)

I've always had a thing about the house being visitor-ready - dcs are well aware so when they invite someone home, friend or boyfriend, they always check with me because I don't like people coming to the house when it's a mess - I feel embarrassed. So that's always been in place and their friends are always welcome as long as it's agreed before hand - quick text or phone call is fine.
Ds has a boyfriend - ds initially suggested a hotel room when boyfriend visited - I said there was no need but I have ground rules and these will be movable because I don't know what's going to annoy or upset me and I want his boyfriend to feel welcome but I don't want to feel he's imposing.
So when his boyfriend visits - ds needs to tell/ask and ds needs to get the house visitor ready and consider what we are eating and that's checking with me that something is planned or planning something himself, bonus points if ds and boyfriend cook dinner (and they often do). I hold no truck with separate meals - we eat together as a family not like a group of lodgers separately - hard rule.
He is responsible for boyfriend's entertainment - I'd prefer if they didn't hang around the house all-day - go out and do something, give me some space - soft rule.
Prefer boyfriend didn't stay midweek - dh works very long hours and is often monosyllabic when he gets home from a challenging day, his social battery is often low - entertaining guests is too much - soft rule, more likely to forgive this if they make dinner.😋😁
Happy for the boyfriend to join us for family occasions - meals out etc we're happy to pay too, no problem if the boyfriend wants to come for Christmas, maybe even join family holidays, but not going to start doing gifts - hard rule.
I update these rules as I feel the need and ds is keen to ensure I'm comfortable with the situation. I like his boyfriend, he is respectful and if he's judgy he's kept it to himself. I'm an open book about most things - so secrecy doesn't bother me, wouldn't walk around the house braless - ever!

She should be texting when coming over with him. She doesn't live with you ATM, she lives in student digs. I'd also be having a chat with her about privacy in general, she should not be discussing your finances with anyone. Some things should be private.

It’s really interesting to read all of this advice and these different approaches so thank you very much for these further replies.

IShouldNotBeSurprised
Thanks so much for explaining further! 😃. It sounds like it would be great fun joining your family!

I very much like your hard/soft adaptive approach Rosiethewonderdog
which sounds as if it is designed to respect each individual in the family as much as possible.

livelovelough24
I must admit I am surprised that I am finding it as challenging as I am tbh! But this thread is helping as I am forced to think about why

Essentially, it’s about adapting to the lack of control I suppose, and I imagine it’s part of a process going forwards whereby eventually our homes, and even ourselves, gradually fade out of the spotlight, allowing our adult dc and their partners and homes to be the main focus of activity.

But that’s for the future. It’s very helpful to look at it as a continuum, but for now I am grateful for all of the general advice on this thread about texting in advance, and discretion etc.

I like your “stability” btw rule which strikes the right balance to me.

Thank you again to everyone who has posted.

I just noticed this thread and can relate as DD had a long term relationship and would come home from Uni to visit and her boyfriend would be at our house a lot as he was at a Uni close to us.

Absolutely lovely lad, but it did cut down the time we had just with DD. However he came on holidays with us and we were very fond of him.

Maybe somewhat inevitably they split up. DD felt they had become more like friends and the long distance side of things wasn’t working.

All of a sudden after over 3 years of knowing him, we never saw him again as they decided it would be too hard to remain friends.

I found this hard which sounds ridiculous but I did miss him and often wondered how he was. Obviously I kept these feelings from DD.

Just mentioning this as a note to maybe be a little wary of becoming too close to their partners!

Now I’m navigating trying to be more relaxed about not knowing aspects of her life. She’s
not home as much and it’s tricky.

I had no idea I would find this stage of parenting actually the hardest and I think it’s the part I am worst at!

It’s funny isn’t it? I think this phase of having another person join the family is perhaps harder to negotiate than empty nest syndrome, but no one seems to talk about it!

And when the rules are looser and not as formally prescribed as in the past - a couple may not necessarily get engaged or married before they have dc - then there aren’t any rules to play by so it’s all guess work!

Absolutely agree - it's an odd phase for sure! Quite tricky to navigate and the main thing always has to be protecting and maintaining relationships with our adult DC. Welcoming new people coming into the family, obviously not knowing whether it will be short lived or long term... lots to navigate!

I’m really glad to know I’m not the only one finding it tricky Pleasestopthebunfight 😄

@Abitfrazzledandfaded693 Can I ask how you navigate the other dd not liking this dd's bf? Are they both open about this? I have a niece visiting fairly regularly from uni and she has taken a strong dislike to my dd's bf (been together a year). I'm finding this very difficult - I feel I don't want them here at the same time (dd is also at uni) but we have so little family it's a shame we can't all be together.

I do also find it quite intrusive having dd's bf here - not because we don't like him - it's just that I am not as attached and eager for his company as dd is and yes, sometimes I just want dd on her own. I don't want to discourage them though - she'll just stay at his parents' place instead and I'll see even less of her.

I struggled massively with this
First boyfriend ended up moving in ,I treated him the same financially as my other children,as he didn't have any family ..how could I let him sit there on Christmas day watching us open presents and nothing for him ??.
Birthday I spent the same ,huge fuss ,
Then suddenly she ended it ,he was gone after living with us for 3 years , younger son very upset ,none of us got to say goodbye..
Second boyfriend,they are again joined at the hip ,for 2 years I didn't see her on her own ..he comes to every Christmas and Easter and on holiday at our expense,2 years later ,he's gone ,and again we didn't get to say goodbye.
Both these men were lovely,really nice men ,they felt part of the family ,then they were gone ,and I found it difficult
I know it's not about me ,and she has no idea I felt like this ,as I kept my feelings to myself.
Now there is a new boyfriend,and I'm keeping my distance,I've not asked to meet him ,..
I'm holding back now ,untill she gets married

However ,I should probably add ,the son who was upset and me are both diagnosed autistic..so this is probably why we ...I assume...found this more difficult to navigate than others perhaps do .

I find your posts really, really interesting Loobyloo9

How open and hospitable you have been! Your dd is very lucky to have you there and I hope she appreciates all of your efforts on her behalf.

I am sure her previous bfs will look back very fondly on how they were welcomed in to your family too.

Those are long periods of time too! No wonder it’s discombobulating when the relationships end as quickly as they start. I must admit this is one of my fears that we go to quite a bit of effort, inconvenience and expense for years and all for nothing! Is it really selfish to say that? I wouldn’t regret it exactly but I can understand you not wanting a third round straightaway!

Would your dd understand your pov if you explained it to her like you have here?

On the other hand, of course we want to be as hospitable and welcoming as we can for our dds’s sakes and do right by them.

I guess the trick is a middle ground and to retain certain boundaries. Since starting this thread, I have discussed these issues in a roundabout way with my dd and we have agreed certain specific days for when she comes to do laundry and when they both come to eat and she is texting ahead on the other days now, so I feel more at ease.

It’s also very interesting that you mention ASD because we have neurodivergence in our family and maybe that’s why we are all finding this hard to navigate but when I first posted, I didn’t think it was relevant, which of course it probably is 😀.

No ,I definitely can't discuss this with her ,she remembers everything I ever say ,then brings it up at a later date ,when I don't feel the same .
I also have alexithima,which means I struggle to recognise how I feel,and it takes me a long time to react to a conversation,to process it and reply .
So,any conversation with her ,at the moment,I seem to be upsetting her .
I have to really really watch what I say ,so it is not taken the wrong way .
I'm glad this thread seems to be helping you ,I hope you start to feel more comfortable in your home with the bf there x

Acinonyx2
That’s a tricky situation!

No we aren’t open about it. She has expressed her dislike to me and her father but not to her sister, save for a few semi-waspish passing comments . We have listened to her carefully, but we have been very neutral in our replies, as we feel it would be disloyal to our other dd to indulge this dislike too much. I haven’t even said to her that I am finding the situation tricky to navigate myself!

I remember as a young teen disliking one of my brother’s gfs and I think jealousy was at the heart of it really, rather than anything personal against her. I had been v close to my brother, and his gf was a sign that he was moving away from me and the family.

I imagine one day that my other dd will have a bf who is disliked by her sister and we will try and remain neutral in that situation too, unless one of the bfs turns out to be a serial killer or something.

I think I would say to your niece that your dd is free to pick who she likes as a bf and that you (and she) have no control over that, and say something neutral like change is always hard but she is always very welcome to come and stay and maybe if she gets to know him better, she will like him more?

Good luck with navigating it and I need to take my own advice 😃😃