Struggling with integration of new bf in to family life, anyone else?

[Abitfrazzledandfaded693]

One of my daughters lives near us in student accommodation, where her bf also lives.

He is a lovely young man, he really is.
They are both in their early twenties and both quite young for their age.

Our other DD is studying further away. No more DC at home.

It's hard to put in to words why I am posting, as I know many mumsnetters have adult children, and their gfs or bfs, living at home permanently, which is far more demanding than my situation, but I guess I am someone who likes their privacy and quiet.

I am definitely not a smother-mother type! I did feel upset for several months when my dds first left home, and still get the odd empty-nester twinge, but I am used to it now, and I am proud of my dds and their new found independence, and of who they are growing up to be, and of course I'm very happy to see them when they do come home for holidays.

The problem is that the DD who lives further away, comes home for holidays at set times, sometimes with a friend, and sometimes not. But it's planned and predictable and DH and I enjoy seeing her and then she's gone again all too soon.

But my other dd who lives close by just pops in randomly with her bf at any time of the day or evening , and she will text ahead sometimes, but sometimes she won't. And it's her home too so why not? We feed them both regularly and all's good. It's just that I don't feel I can truly relax in my own home anymore. Can't take my bra off and clean in my scraggy t-shirt, that sort of thing. Dh and I are aware we can't have spontaneous alone moments! And I don't enjoy laying out my hobby on the dining room table and somehow relishing the peace because any moment they might pop by. It obviously wouldn't matter if it was just my dd, but I don't know her bf that well.

But it's more than that. I am struggling with the fact that obviously my dd tells her bf everything and I feel a bit uneasy about it, like our family's privacy has been invaded, and I also feel a bit judged, if I am honest. Like all of a sudden my dd has a separate loyalty and it's not just to us, which is of course very natural.

Is this a normal reaction or am I being ridiculous? It's obvious that she has discussed our finances, some of our family struggles, and although there are no terrible secrets or anything, it's a hard transition to make from having a very close ongoing relationship with your child, and then all of a sudden, someone else is always there all of the time.

Final question, how much effort do you put in to these relationships with the bfs and gfs of your adult dc? Obviously, they are very young and I don't know if this one will last the distance or not, so I want to be welcoming and hospitable, and I want to do the very best I can for my dd, but equally how much are we expected to plan our life to accommodate them both eg Christmas? How seriously do you treat these early relationships? I don't remember my parents putting themselves out for any of my bfs before I met dh, but parenting is more hands on nowadays.

I know this sounds awful of me and ideally I should keep a gleaming home with food available at all hours and go with the flow, and to a great extent we do, but sometimes we would like to know when we could expect to have a bit of privacy. Is that unreasonable or not?

Please can anyone with experience of these sorts of situation advise?

How do you get used to total strangers entering your family unit? Apart from some casual fleeting friendships with boys at school, this is the first serious relationship either of my dds have had, so I guess this is why it's a big adjustment.

Thank you for reading to this point and for any pointers!

I agree with @PaminaMozart, she needs to respect your privacy on financial and health matters, My Dad has had lifelong MH struggles and I didn’t tell my DH anything until we’d been married for a long time.

I’m slightly horrified that she’s shared that type of information with her bf, it’s not her information to share.

I tell my teenagers (19 and 16) that they should assume that what we discuss at home is private between the four of us unless the ppl involved say that it’s ok to share it.

Thank you again Loobyloo I hear you.

I still have to tread very carefully with what I say to one to one of dds as we went through a difficult time when she was an adolescent. Our relationship is back to normal now but I must admit one of the reasons I initially struggled setting boundaries over this situation was I didn’t want to cause any more ructions!

That’s v interesting about alexithima too.

I hope that you can work out a way to be hospitable to your niece while being loyal to your dd.

I suppose one of the other questions maybe to ask yourself is whether your niece has good reason to dislike your dd’s bf? Does she have inside information that you don’t know about? If you think her reaction is out of character, could you ask her a neutral question like “tell me, should I be worried?”

It’s a fine line between not being completely dismissive of your niece’s views, whilst remaining loyal to your dd’s freedom to choose who she likes as a bf ( within reason) and respecting those choices.

@Loobyloo9 It’s tough when they split isn’t it? My DD split with her boyfriend of 3 years and we didn’t get to say goodbye either after him being at our house a lot, holidays, celebrations etc. I still think about him and worry that he thinks we didn’t care at all when they split. At the time I hoped they might stay in touch but they didn’t.

Apologies too late to edit but this part of my last post was to Acinonyx2.

(Not intended for Loobyloo9 sorry)

I hope that you can work out a way to be hospitable to your niece while being loyal to your dd.
I suppose one of the other questions maybe to ask yourself is whether your niece has good reason to dislike your dd’s bf? Does she have inside information that you don’t know about? If you think her reaction is out of character, could you ask her a neutral question like “tell me, should I be worried?”
It’s a fine line between not being completely dismissive of your niece’s views, whilst remaining loyal to your dd’s freedom to choose who she likes as a bf ( within reason) and respecting those choices.

I understood that X no worries xx

Yes .i hoped they would stay friends to ,but both times it was one sided the split ,so when it's not mutual,I guess there's upset ,and no friendship..,.and the first boyfriend.after they split about 6 months later , something awful happened, I had no way of sending any condolences to him ,and my DD didn't reach out ..
I'm very weary now of getting involved.
My ds has a gf of 3 years and she doesn't join for celebrations,I've only had a couple of conversations with her ,which I used to think was odd ..but in hindsight,it's better this way ..

Thanks Bruford I’m kind of torn on this one so very interested to take on board different perspectives.

On the one hand, I am dismayed and rather embarrassed that dd shared this information so readily. I feel on the back foot because of it. Especially as I don’t know the same level of information about him and wouldn’t dream of asking.

In another way, that is the way of the young nowadays, and if you are sleeping with someone and are in love with them , and sharing all of your innermost thoughts, I can see how it happens.

I wouldn’t have expected her to keep it all a secret forever but it’s a bit soon in the relationship for that level of information imho!

In your case, with respect to all parties concerned, some would argue that a prospective marriage partner might be entitled to know the mh history of their fiancé’s parents, given that some mh conditions have a genetic link, wouldn’t they have a right to know about that because of future children?

Obviously that’s not pertinent to this situation though which is trying to gauge how soon, and to what extent, you are expected to open up your home to a gf or bf?

@Loobyloo9 yes agree, when it’s one sided there is upset and the sensible thing to allow that person to heal, is to not be in touch. I know DD misses him too. Doesn’t regret the decision but does wish they could have been friends.

That’s sad you weren’t able to offer condolences. DD’s ex will graduate next year and I would love to know that things are working out for him. Such a nice lad. Hey ho, they are not our relationships and we have to deal with it I guess.

I agree though, it’s better maybe to keep some distance. DD is quite far away at Uni so future relationships probably won’t involve us getting to know her partners in the same way as previous boyfriend was from sixth form onwards. They still have some
mutual friends but I’m not sure if she hears much.

Young love!! Causing us parents angst too!!

@Abitfrazzledandfaded693 Before we married, I did say that he’d had some MH problems and if DH has asked about diagnoses because of genetic concerns, I would’ve told him what I knew, of course.

What I didn’t tell him until much later were the details of what happened when I was growing up, because my Dad would’ve been mortified (suicide attempts, etc.)

I don’t think that being in love gives anyone the right to embarrass their family members.

I totally understand that, yes of course, it’s only natural that you would want to protect your father’s privacy.

I suppose what this all amounts to in a nutshell is transitioning loyalties.

In the past, it was all very clear cut. Everyone followed a certain protocol. And a bf or gf became an “official” part of the family when they became engaged to your adult child. And then at the point of marriage, your adult child’s first loyalty would be their spouse.

Now everything is more free-flowing, children are marrying later and having more long term relationships prior to that point, and grandchildren could appear before marriage!

So the point at which parents treat the relationship of an adult child as “serious” is far more difficult to discern.

The other reason I’m worried I suppose is that I met my dh when I was very young, and although we didn’t marry straightaway, my parents weren’t very welcoming to my future dh, so I dont want to be like that either!

I have to say that I am dreading this stage, I like our nuclear family unit and the fact we all know and love each other's quirks and foibles. If I'm not with DH & DC, my next most comfortable situation is being with my parents & DBro for the same reason essentially. I often visit my DPs without DH and encourage DH to visit the PILs without me just so they can revert to their family set up,
I also love it when I am home alone and so don't particularly look forward to there potentially being more people in the house and therefore less chance of being home alone.
May suggest, though, @Abitfrazzledandfaded693 that your DD telling her boyf about your health issues may not be her disclosing your personal information but talking about the impact it had on her and how she dealt with it. I understand that you might not want someone who is a stranger to you knowing about such personal information but, if it were to happen again now, you would look to your DD for support and, in turn, she would look to her boyfriend for support. It is just awkward as he is now so present in your life when if she had just told a friend, you might see them very occasionally and not at significant events.

Thank you sangriaandsunshine.

I know my depression definitely did affect my dds and it would make sense if dd1 mentioned it to her bf in that context, I totally understand that.

I hope I I would not be looking to her for support if it happened again though as I don’t think that’s her job. I’m pretty sure it won’t though as my work and living circumstances have changed dramatically for the better since then.

I also encourage my dh to visit his family without me. I think it’s a healthy thing
to do as long as we all meet together regularly too.

As far as nuclear family goes, I hear you loud and clear, and although it’s a hard transition, I’m grateful that our dc are working towards independence and a fulfilling adult life, as that’s the ultimate aim of parenthood I suppose.

The routine of the school years seem to last forever and then all of a sudden, school has finished, they are leaving home and after that, it’s all change from them on and our role diminishes as their world expands. It is nice having the odd moments alone together though to remember the old days 😃

I think it is fine and healthy to set a boundary that your daughter lets you know that they are coming. I think you should allow your daughter relationship to naturally evolve. She may be with him short or long term. They even may get married - who knows.

In terms of sharing information - it is tricky.

I have 5 adult children and 2 live at home one of which has a girl friend. However this is after university - so they were away for that and now back. Our agreement is no girl friend or boyfriend can move in here ever - full stop. If I had a child at university near by I would not be letting them come home in term time - I really enjoyed not having them here in term time unless a pre- arranged weekend visit. Perhaps just say they can come once every 2 weeks in term time at a pre arranged time from now on. My mother changed the locks at one point - I think she lost her keys when we left university but perhaps she didn't want anyone popping in - we moved hundreds of miles away so not much chance of that; and I respect that - it was my parents' house not mine.

My son probably on average travels to his girlfiend's parents' (where she lives) more than she comes here but it will be every week or two she is here. I don't mind if the other parents are more hospitable and I never cook for anyone, don't even pay for food now the twins are in jobs and if that drives people away that is a win win for me.....[kind of joking....but not entirely]