Anger at my own mum

[Ellue]

While pregnant and since becoming a mum and after doing some therapy myself I’ve come to see my relationship with my own mum in quite a different light.

My mum cut us off from my dad when we were kids due to him being an alcoholic. Though he was present in our home until we were around 8 or 9 and we met up with him a few times after that, when he did put birthday cards through the letterbox when we were teenagers with his number in it or when we received money from him when we turned 18 my mum made no mistake to let us know that in her opinion these gestures were not genuine and basically that she we should not be in contact with him.

After my parents separated my mum basically never mentioned my dad again. Any reference to him was more along the lines of since he was an alcoholic he was a very bad person, something which I now, as an adult with understanding of addiction, resent.

When I was 18 my mum got in a relationship with a man she has been in a relationship with now for 15 years or so. A relationship with a man I find very difficult - he is a tricky person, thrives on conflict, estranged from most of his family ( a bit like my mum but a more extreme example). To my mum, this man is a father figure to my sister and I. Neither of us see him in this way remotely as his normal is usually to Jan at us with snide comments. I’ve never felt relaxed around him.

My mum, I’ve realised recently probably has covert narcissism. She is very consumed by the appearance of our family, and a pro at guilt tripping, silent treatment etc.

When my sister’s kids were born she decided her children wouldn’t refer to my mums husband as grandad, an issue which my mum reacted to extremely badly (silent treatment etc) and still continues to bring into conversation 6 years later in a way that isn’t factual at all /(“she didn’t want her kids to have anything to do with him).

When I got pregnant I decided for my mums benefit I would let my child refer to him as grandad, however I didn’t want my own dad erased from my son’s family tree (my dad is dead) so we decided to give my son my dads name as his middle name. My mums reaction was that she didn’t think it was a good idea and “as long as I don’t have to hear it”.

The more I think about the way my mum is these days I just feel so angry at her. I feel like she is very self-centred, and always very consumed by how her husband feels about everything. I feel overwhelmed by it all.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? How did you let go of the anger?

What was their marriage like op? I'm guessing she struggled a lot if he was an alcoholic

All I have heard from her is that he was an alcoholic, used to come home late from work drinking. But I know why had happy memories too and we even have family videos together which he took etc.

Im sure there were challenges in the relationship but there were certainly positives to.

What makes me angry is that to her, we didn’t need a father as we had such an amazing mum. While she herself had parents who were happily married for over 59 years she seems to have no empathy whatsoever that my sister and I needed our father too and have feelings around this which she didn’t make any space for and still to this day doesn’t.

I love my mum but I have to say I feel I saw her through rose tinted glasses until I had my own family and now, facing all these things head on, I suppose I feel I don’t like her as much.

Sounds like she was left to raise you alone and your alcoholic dad barely looked back. Probably too fixated on the next drink. Your poor mum, doing it all alone, and not appreciated by her kids.

Your poor mum.

I was raised by an alcoholic dad, and actually spent a very long time angry with my mum for forcing us to have a relationship with him. He brought nothing but misery and heart ache.

Maybe your mum was trying to protect you?

I think you should give her a little more grace. It's not easy trying to raise a family with an alcoholic - actually downright traumatic tbh.

I agree. I doubt any of it was easy for her.

Sounds like your mum protected you, perhaps she. Could have made more space to talk through your feelings about your dad, no parent is perfect and perhaps when your children are teenagers and you adults you’ll understand how hard parenting can be and it’s not possible to get it all right. Having said that it must be upsetting to have a a step dad forced into your life whom you don’t feel comfortable around.

OP I disagree with previous posters. Me and DH only had a lengthy conversation tonight around our parents and the mistakes they made and still make today.

As adults and most importantly parents now, we see our childhoods so differently now. I realise now my own DM was self centred (and still is), she spoke to me like I was grown up and shared things she shouldn't have. I always thought we were so close growing up, now I feel it was totally inappropriate. My DHs mother is a covert narcissist and vile to us both.

Honestly, we feel let down by both sets of parents. It only makes us strive to be different and parent so differently though.

We've gone through the anger and hurt and right now I find if we're in a place of low expectations and honest conversations with them if they try to talk about things with rose tinted glasses. It's rubbish but it is what it is. We can only learn from their mistakes.

@Powderblue1 it must be wonderful to be so perfect that you know you are going to do parenting in such a perfect way.

Parents are human. Lone parenting is particularly hard and if you and your children are abandoned by an alcoholic it will be harder still.

Stop blaming your mother for your problems. It seems like she raised you so you have got to this stage in life. Maybe you are about to discover how hard real life actually is.

I am sure your mother has been through a very difficult time with your father and thought it was in your interests to not have him in your life. Chances are she is right, considering he was an alcoholic. If your father was interested in being part of your life, he could have sought to be part of your life through proper channels. Assuming he never did that, that was on him, not your mother.

It's easy to scapegoat the parent that was there. Of course she wasn't a perfect parent, none of us are, but I'm sure she's done her best on her own.

Is it possible for you to talk to your mother about it a bit more now? Could you ask her why she felt it was necessary to have no contact with your father, or if he ever asked to have that contact?

And one day your own children will have that same conversation about you and your DH and how you parented. Hopefully they give you some grace for the mistakes you will inevitably make.

Yes, quite. Sounds like you still have your training wheels on in parenting terms.

How old is your child? I think it's really, really important to realise that we all make horrific mistakes as parents and that every child looks back in adulthood and sees the flaws for what they were. But your own child will feel the same. As you get further down the parenting journey (it's very, very hard) you may feel more compassion for your own mum - and for every mother.

I think the thing with parenting is that we all have our training wheels on the entire time. Every age and stage is something we're going through with that child for the first time. No practices or do overs. I don't think there's an honest parent alive who doesn't look back and think of things they'd do differently, or see mistakes they made.

we decided to give my son my dads name as his middle name.

Wow I'd be pretty pissed if my children decide to this with their useless fathers name too

I would say that living with an alcoholic is awful, imagine your DH was constantly drunk while you were trying to raise your family, he would be unreliable, there would probably be piss on the floor in the bathroom, he wouldn’t actually do much that was useful. Really think about what it would be like to live with an alcoholic. My dad was an alcoholic, not fun.

I’m not saying your mum is a nice person either but very few women actually want to go it alone whilst having kids.

OP I am surprised at these responses. Your anger is valid and real, and it sounds like you are looking for ways to get past it, rather than just venting about your mother. I went through something similar after having my own children, as did my DH. We both went through angry phases. We both had therapy. We both had to re-learn boundaries with our parents. We both had to retell family stories in a new and more realistic way. This took time, but I have a much more "adult" and therefore realistic view of my parents now, and lower expectations. Our relationships are better as a result. Not perfect, but more mature and grownup. Good luck.

I have a very tricky relationship with my mother but you are being very unreasonable op. My father was an alcoholic and my partner is an alcoholic (in recovery).

Alcoholics are extremely selfish. The stress they cause on the other parent is immeasurable. You can never rely on them and worry constantly that their drinking will impact/harm your dc.

Giving your son your father’s name when your mother was the one that didn’t get to give up parenting so she could hit the bottle is really low.

Your mother might have issues for sure, but your judgement of her in terms of your father is way off base.

@LoneAndLoco certainly not a perfect parent here but I damn well try to do my best.

I love my DM, and my DH loves his DM dearly but we can and will do better for my own children. Isn't that what life is about, growing and learning?

Funnily enough me and DH were saying last night that our children will have complaints about us one day I'm sure. Not to the same level though.

A couple of examples; taking me in prison visits to see her boyfriend when I was 9 because she didn't want to make the journey alone. To this year when 3 out of 4 grandparents forgot about our youngest DCs birthday. I think we can all agree we can do better!

Seems like you are idealising the alcoholic deadbeat who abandoned you and taking it out on your DM. Nobody on Earth is perfect but she stuck around and stood by you.

@LoveTheRainAndSun please see my earlier response to another comment. It may make things a little clearer.

I suggest that you report your own thread and ask for MNHQ to move it to Relationships. You've posted it in Parents Of Adult Children when you are the adult child, not the parent. The regulars of POAC are likely to side with your mother because they will see your situation through the eyes of being the parent, not the adult child.

Which child were you, birth order wise?

We’ve only really had any choice about having children for the last 50 years or so - since the Pill. Before that it was just an inevitable consequence of marrying and most women had little option because they didn’t have many opportunities for earning their own living. Families used to be bigger and everyone just had to muck in and get on with it.

Now we have a precious one or two children, if any at all, and they benefit from a lot more resources being showered upon them. Are they grateful? Of course not! Mum blaming has been in fashion since the psychologists took hold!

I wouldn’t be too judgey until you have done a couple of decades of the hard toil involved in raising a child. Add in an absent deadbeat parent and it will be even harder. I wouldn’t count on it all going so swimmingly yourself. You do not know what’s around the corner.

Kids have their own individual personalities too. What works for one doesn’t work for another, so I wouldn’t count on just following whatever is the latest parenting advice.

You sound thoroughly spoiled.

Doing it better doesn't mean they won't find things to complain about. In my experience, most people do, or have some sort of resentment towards their parents for something. It's impossible to get it right all the time.

The regulars of POAC are likely to side with your mother because they will see your situation through the eyes of being the parent, not the adult child.

Presumably, POAC are adult children themselves.

That's not what Powderblue1 was saying at all.

It's also entirely possible that OP's mother was both a lone parent and manipulative. Silent treatment etc is not healthy - can't think why being a lone parent would justify that!