Anger at my own mum

[Ellue]

While pregnant and since becoming a mum and after doing some therapy myself I’ve come to see my relationship with my own mum in quite a different light.

My mum cut us off from my dad when we were kids due to him being an alcoholic. Though he was present in our home until we were around 8 or 9 and we met up with him a few times after that, when he did put birthday cards through the letterbox when we were teenagers with his number in it or when we received money from him when we turned 18 my mum made no mistake to let us know that in her opinion these gestures were not genuine and basically that she we should not be in contact with him.

After my parents separated my mum basically never mentioned my dad again. Any reference to him was more along the lines of since he was an alcoholic he was a very bad person, something which I now, as an adult with understanding of addiction, resent.

When I was 18 my mum got in a relationship with a man she has been in a relationship with now for 15 years or so. A relationship with a man I find very difficult - he is a tricky person, thrives on conflict, estranged from most of his family ( a bit like my mum but a more extreme example). To my mum, this man is a father figure to my sister and I. Neither of us see him in this way remotely as his normal is usually to Jan at us with snide comments. I’ve never felt relaxed around him.

My mum, I’ve realised recently probably has covert narcissism. She is very consumed by the appearance of our family, and a pro at guilt tripping, silent treatment etc.

When my sister’s kids were born she decided her children wouldn’t refer to my mums husband as grandad, an issue which my mum reacted to extremely badly (silent treatment etc) and still continues to bring into conversation 6 years later in a way that isn’t factual at all /(“she didn’t want her kids to have anything to do with him).

When I got pregnant I decided for my mums benefit I would let my child refer to him as grandad, however I didn’t want my own dad erased from my son’s family tree (my dad is dead) so we decided to give my son my dads name as his middle name. My mums reaction was that she didn’t think it was a good idea and “as long as I don’t have to hear it”.

The more I think about the way my mum is these days I just feel so angry at her. I feel like she is very self-centred, and always very consumed by how her husband feels about everything. I feel overwhelmed by it all.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? How did you let go of the anger?

Think OP is done with her thread.

My late DH was an alcoholic. I never understood the impact of that word until it came into my life. An alcoholic is not someone who just enjoys a little too much to drink but really has a heart of gold and a great sense of humour. That's an old stereotype which couldn't be further from the truth. Alcoholics destroy everything around them. Their addiction sucks the love and joy out of their own life and everyone else involved in their car crash existence. They steal and lie and cheat and are very often violent. They will gaslight their nearest and dearest until they are on the edge of insanity. They will push you further and further towards poverty and even homelessness in their endless quest to buy drink and they do not - cannot - care. Whatever they were before the addiction took hold is gone. They are an all consuming empty shell. I don't know what you've read about addiction but I suggest you atttend an Al Anon meeting to hear some real life stories from real life wives and children of alcoholics. It might better help you to understand your mother's life and decisions.

Oh I had a I will kill myself. Slightly different, mine was „you know I’d kill myself if it wasn’t for you“ aww thanks mum but no I didn’t know that as I’m only a little girl.

All I have heard from her is that he was an alcoholic, used to come home late from work drinking.

Op I'm guessing there's a lot you don't know about how your dad behaved/treated your mom and that the reason you don't know is because she's tried to protect you from all that.

My mom was an alcoholic and my stepdad covered for her a lot. Shielded us. And he took the brunt of her behaviour.

It might be time to have a proper heart to heart with your mum x

I would say that OP is well-justified in not wanting to treat her mother's new partner as any kind of father figure and that her mother is unreasonable in expecting the OP to do so.

The mother's reaction to being told "no" over this is not justified by the father's alcoholism. Children are not extensions of their parents to do their parents' bidding, they have their own minds. It is this refusal by the mother to recognise the child as an independent human that smacks of narcissism.

OP, have a look for the Stately Homes threads and see if any of those posters make you say "I could have written that".

Found all these posts very interesting. Thanks to everyone who showed understanding and also I appreciate some of the comments that I didn’t know how things were for my mum etc and that it was very hard for her. Has definitely given me food for thought!

Some of the comments are pretty laughable.. how I “romanticised” my dad? Didn’t say anything positive about my dad. And shouldn’t have named my child after him? News flash anyone is entitled to name their child whatever they want. And to those who assume every alcoholic is a “dead beat”, maybe go and educate yourself about addiction.

I agree with this too.

I have just become a mum and I thought that my mum and I were close, but actually she stopped my dad from seeing me, me from calling him dad and told me that he had another family which was a lie. My dad died and I missed out on so much time with him. I feel so hurt that she acted this way. I know we only do our best with what we know at the time but I was such an isolated child and she doesn’t see it at all. She talks so highly of my dad now too like he was the love of her life and tells me about how he cared for me as a baby which breaks my heart.

Your mum is entitled to her feelings of course, but you were a kid. And your feelings matter too.

And to those who assume every alcoholic is a “dead beat”, maybe go and educate yourself about addiction.

Why didn't he make more of an effort to see you? Did he go through the courts to try and secure access? As teenagers you say your mum made comment about cards etc, but did she somehow physically stop you from seeing him? Intrigued where you educated yourself on addiction- guessing this wasn't lived experience?

I've come to this post very late. I came across it when searching for 'narcissistic mother'. I'm surprised at some of the responses and wanted to share my take as it has some similarities with my own mum. She also criticised my father constantly to me and my siblings and prevented us from having a relationship with him. As I got older I realised it was all made up.

I fully understand your anger and resentment. Seen as you don't describe seeing your father's alcoholism, I wonder if this is something she exaggerated or even fabricated - especially as you describe her as a covert narcissist. This kind of subtle smear campaign and victimhood is Narcissism 101.

I also don't agree that alcoholics are all no good and that she was right to discourage any relationship with him at all. Again, and speaking from my own experience, I see this as a red flag of narcissism.

I've also struggled a lot with my feelings towards my mum. I have had counselling for it, which has also given me good coping strategies to be able to have a peaceful but distant relationship with her. I mainly ignore anything she says and expect very little but selfishness from her. I often use AI to write responses to her when I'm finding her difficult.

Over time my anger has faded. I haven't fought the anger, but allowed myself to feel it. I think it's very difficult to process the realisation you don't like your own mum.

I did a lot of talking to extended family members too, on my dad's side, who could confirm or clarify facts that she had distorted. Building relationships with those family members helped a lot aswell.

I don't know if that helps? Happy to share more if it's useful.

I've had/ have an addiction, I'm not and never was a 'deadbeat'. I've had a very successful, high status career. I'm not alone. Most addictions are hidden.

As any average addiction therapist would tell you, long-term addiction is commonly to substances that allow you to maintain a reasonably normal life even when using - eg. alcohol, painkillers, cannabis, cocaine.

So yes, go and educate yourself. And yes, I'm speaking from lived experience.

Not that your feelings aren't valid but if your mother had let you father be in your life, is it possible you might be angry at her for not having protected you? Sometimes, as a parent, you have to make difficult decisions that your children don't understand or have the full background to. Is this something you could talk to your mother about?

She feels how she feels. Presumably you don’t know all the details of their life together or what she had to put up with. She feels bitter that you seem to have an unrealistically rosy view of your father, after he caused her a lot of pain. She is the one who stuck by you and did the hard bits of parenting, and it must have hurt that you gave your son your father's name after DF treated her and you badly.

Whether or not you like her current partner is a completely separate issue.

I daresay your positive memories of your dad are only due to the protective actions of your mum. You just can’t realise this with the ‘poor addicts, they are great, no one understands them’ mentality. Feel really sorry for your mum.

Jesus women really get a shit deal dont they.

While you're swanning around giving your mum an armchair diagnosis: she was the woman who raised you. Yet your deadbeat alcoholic father gets his name remembered in your child's name. What a slap in the face

After I posted early this morning, 4 strongly critical posts have appeared in response to the OP all saying the same thing... Makes me think they are not real people?

it is only as a much older adult i have realised my own df's behaviour, my parents split up when i was 5 and dm never badmouthed about him to me
it was wrong of her to do so imo @Ellue

Sorry? Why would views that run counter to your own be "not real"?
Personally I didn't read any of the follow-up comments, just the OP

Because I posted at 2am on a dead post and 4 people posted in response in the early hours of a Sunday morning?

All saying similar things and strongly opinionated/ critical, with no understanding of what it's like having a narcissistic mother nor the realities of addiction

When did I say anything about them being counter to my own?