Anger at my own mum

[Ellue]

While pregnant and since becoming a mum and after doing some therapy myself I’ve come to see my relationship with my own mum in quite a different light.

My mum cut us off from my dad when we were kids due to him being an alcoholic. Though he was present in our home until we were around 8 or 9 and we met up with him a few times after that, when he did put birthday cards through the letterbox when we were teenagers with his number in it or when we received money from him when we turned 18 my mum made no mistake to let us know that in her opinion these gestures were not genuine and basically that she we should not be in contact with him.

After my parents separated my mum basically never mentioned my dad again. Any reference to him was more along the lines of since he was an alcoholic he was a very bad person, something which I now, as an adult with understanding of addiction, resent.

When I was 18 my mum got in a relationship with a man she has been in a relationship with now for 15 years or so. A relationship with a man I find very difficult - he is a tricky person, thrives on conflict, estranged from most of his family ( a bit like my mum but a more extreme example). To my mum, this man is a father figure to my sister and I. Neither of us see him in this way remotely as his normal is usually to Jan at us with snide comments. I’ve never felt relaxed around him.

My mum, I’ve realised recently probably has covert narcissism. She is very consumed by the appearance of our family, and a pro at guilt tripping, silent treatment etc.

When my sister’s kids were born she decided her children wouldn’t refer to my mums husband as grandad, an issue which my mum reacted to extremely badly (silent treatment etc) and still continues to bring into conversation 6 years later in a way that isn’t factual at all /(“she didn’t want her kids to have anything to do with him).

When I got pregnant I decided for my mums benefit I would let my child refer to him as grandad, however I didn’t want my own dad erased from my son’s family tree (my dad is dead) so we decided to give my son my dads name as his middle name. My mums reaction was that she didn’t think it was a good idea and “as long as I don’t have to hear it”.

The more I think about the way my mum is these days I just feel so angry at her. I feel like she is very self-centred, and always very consumed by how her husband feels about everything. I feel overwhelmed by it all.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? How did you let go of the anger?

It sounds like there are different elements to this. Living with an alcoholic isn't easy, having children and wanting to protect them is also hard as often you look like the 'baddie' in doing so. Many parents don't tell their children the whole story- it sounds like you resent your mum for not dealing with a really challenging situation the way you think she should have, and for you not seeing your dad much. Did he make much of an effort? Do you know everything that went on between them?

I can see why it's upsetting to feel like you've been made to treat her new partner like a father figure, it's not unreasonable to all to feel uncomfortable with this. Perhaps there's more to it ie she feels guilty she married an alcoholic who it doesn't seem fought overly hard to see you and perhaps more happened between them; but no one else can take his place.

You'd probably both benefit from therapy to untangle it all to be honest.

Honestly OP, I'm sure your mum has her faults, but your dad seems to have got off lightly here. Is it because he's dead so it's harder to criticise him? He's the one who put alcohol before his family.

I think that while it's normal to reassess your childhood when you become parents, you need to be careful not to go too far.

In the two decades or so it takes to raise your children you will do things that they will deem under par, especially when you compare them to the norms of say the 2050s, if they decide to have children of their own.

So my mum was similar to that Powderblue in terms of thinking I was so close with her and yes I am very confident I am doing things better as I don’t; make my daughter go back to the room every afternoon on holiday so I can have sex with her dad whilst she’s next door and tell her that’s what I am doing , get drunk and make inappropriate sexual references, get blind drunk generally, leave her in a hotel room at 11 late at night resulting in a male who has been watching the room breaking in and sexually assaulting her. I could go on……

I am sure you will be absolutely perfect parents and your child when an adult will never have a single word of criticism of you and your parenting….

I think two things can be true op - your dad was an alcoholic and your mum had a terrible time and also she’s tried to erase him and replace him with her new partner not thinking that your dad is still your dad and you are emotionally tied to him and may not hate him like she does.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent is a nightmare. Being married to an alcoholic is even worse. Be grateful she managed to protect you from him as best she could. I also think her waiting until you were 18 to remarry shows a remarkable concern for your wellbeing.

Yet you and your sister seem to have romanticised him and his life as he died. In her position I’d be disappointed too.

Yes, it’s a known fact that once the golden offspring is born parents must never have sex again. Disgusting creatures! How do you think people got on in Victorian times with 12 or more kids in a two bedroom home??

Of course lack of discretion is very bad. May you never even fart in front of your own children.

I would keep going with the therapy, op. It’s a process. It’s totally normal for feelings like anger to bubble up and it’s good to acknowledge them. But they aren’t the last word in the court of bad parenting, they’re you acknowledging the hurt you felt as a child about the things that were happening.
A good therapist will help you work through how you felt about what happened without mistaking those feelings for objective truths.

I’d try to avoid labels and just keep going with the process. You may find by the end that you feel quite differently.

OP, I don't think you realise what it's like to live with an alcoholic. I lived with an alcoholic for ten years (my ex) and it was one of the most awful experiences of my life. I almost had a nervous breakdown from the stress of it. I'd wake up some mornings and find him passed out in his own vomit. I never knew what I'd find, whether he'd be dead or alive.
He couldn't hold down a job because of his alcoholism so I worked to support us both and he spent my money on alcohol while we struggled to pay the bills.
I'm so thankful that no children were exposed to this life. If your mum felt she needed to cut him out of your lives, then I understand why. I'm sure this followed years of stress and pain. If I was you I'd assume that her actions were purely to protect you.

Thanks for the support @Movingcrib x

@TorroFerney that's awful for you 😢

My DF was an alcoholic when he died even though I hadn’t lived at home for decades it was like a big black cloud lifting off my shoulders.

do you see your dad?
it is understandable that you want involvement of your dad, choosing his name
let your mum's anger wash over you. it is unhelpful

Your father was an alcoholic, which would have given you an awful childhood if he stayed. Instead he left, presumably continued drinking, and died young, so you can project all your warm feelings onto him (because he can't disappoint you, being dead). You say your mother never mentioned him, but also that she says he was an alcoholic and no loss - sometimes that is all there is to say that is true. Should she have lied and told you he was a good man who didn't come home drunk and leave her with all the work of raising children?

Some counselling might help you come to terms with the fact that your father wasn't (and isn't) in your life due to his choices. Could your mother have handled it better? Probably. But he was the one who gave her a shitty situation to handle.

I wouldn't bother as the Relationship regulars will see a beaten down woman struggling to raise her children alone whilst having a deadbeat man drink all the food/energy money away and doing nothing useful. She was trying to protect her children from a toxic, probably abusive, relationship . Sounds like she did too good a job if OP is hating her mother whilst putting her father on a pedestal.

I hope OP eventually realises that most (sober) parents try to do the best they can with the hand they are given and forgives her mother for whatever mistakes she thinks she made. The saying But for the grace of God springs to mind.

There are often posts in Relationships from women whose partner is an alcoholic and you'll see a recurring theme of people who grew up with an alcoholic parent urging them to leave for the sake of the children. Actually I've seen some pretty harsh messages at times from people who have clearly been pretty damaged from growing up with an alcoholic parent.

I wonder if you'd benefit from an open adult to adult conversation with your mum? Perhaps with your therapist in the room to keep things on track and productive?

I think you need to put this into two boxes: 1. What you need to do to come to terms with the past, stored up trauma, your changing perspective as an adult and parent - basically your emotional health and well-being. 2. Your relationship with your mum

It's way too easy to think 'because I suffered, my parent must be at fault' but the truth is nobody is perfect, parenting is hard, the best she could do still might not have been enough to protect you from everything you'd want to be protected from.

It's natural and normal to have anger but that doesn't necessarily mean she needs to apologize etc.

Having an alcoholic partner doesn't mean you're a saint. She might have been chaotic and problematic but still trying her best and coming through as the main person who shows up for the kids. Even if she fucked up here and there. Your dad could definitely have tried harder to be present for you if he wanted. That's not on her.

I'm not Christian but I think the Christian concept of reconciliation is a useful one. Recognising we're all flawed, forgiving people for not being perfect, finding a way to value the good in people.

In addition - you might not know the full story about your dad. He was alcoholic but that might have been accompanied by sexual or physical violence, infidelity, financial instability, dangerous behaviour like leaving the stove on or front door open etc.

Last thing. You say your perspective is when pregnant and now as a mother. How old is your child?

The perspective you have with a tiny vulnerable bundle of a baby/toddler is different to having an older child. As they get older you get in impossible situations where they both want to do something themselves and want it to be easy and right. You basically start being pragmatic and accepting you can't be perfect but you need to do your best.

It's different to having one baby where naps and feeding etc can be stressful but you don't have the same conflict and interpersonal dimension of a little person wanting to be independent and not being sure if you have what it takes to be the person they need you to be.

Op, having had a partner who was a secret, and then openly obvious alcoholic, I suspect your mum had quite a hard time.

Alcoholics wreck family life, they are a source of shame and embarrassment, they can never be trusted with care of a child, to drive a car, to hold down a job. They can be unreliable. They can be violent. As with any addict, the addiction comes first, even if that means spending the last of the housekeeping on a bottle of vodka while your children go cold and hungry.

I'm sure your mum wanted to shield you from the worst effects of that. Unless you saw the full impact of your dad's addiction as an adult, you can't really know what she went through.

I moved my DS away from my ex when he was two because living in the same house was dangerous. He'd get drunk and leave DS to wander. He'd drive DS under the influence. He'd light candles and forget them. Leave pots to boil dry.

I have never allowed my ex to go to a school prize giving or fireworks night (alcohol is served).

Your mum may also have been a difficult woman, only you can know that, but don't underestimate how difficult it may have been for her.

oh bless you thanks. It really grates though when people have had difficult childhoods and then people come on here and say oh I’m sure your children will be complaining about you, what makes you think you are a perfect parent or any better how horrible to criticise your poor parents. I know I will get it wrong but there are shades of wrong aren’t there.

Lots of defensive mothers on this thread…

I had an awful father - horrible man. And was told by my mother my whole life how amazing she was (and how awful it was for her to be married to him - never crossed her mind best it was like to have him as a father).

it’s entirely possible that both your parents were awful.

i would get some therapy

What makes me angry is that to her, we didn’t need a father as we had such an amazing mum. While she herself had parents who were happily married for over 59 years she seems to have no empathy whatsoever that my sister and I needed our father too and have feelings around this which she didn’t make any space for and still to this day doesn’t.
Where's your anger at your alcoholic father who prioritised that over your needing a father?
Whys it her fault? Have you recently been in touch with him and he's playing the 'bad mummy caused this' card?

@TorroFerney totally agree! I can't believe some of the responses. To be clear, DH and I both dearly love our parents but that doesn't mean we're not disappointed by their actions back then and now. When I say I'll do better it's because I won't threaten to kill myself when the kids drive me insane. I think we can all agree I can improve on that behaviour 😂
No doubt our kids will have complaints when they're older but we work hard every day to ensure they always feel safe, loved and seen because quite frankly we didn't always feel that way.

It really does shine a spot light on the past when you have your own children and it can be quite harrowing unfortunately. I jumped on the post to support the OP but got nothing but hassle.