"Nice to know we have some good genes in our family!" Dd19's comment cut me to the quick

[Blanketyre]

Said after a visit to her aunt and uncle, my SIL and BIL.

For context - SIL is not hugely friendly, but is very thin and attractive with lots of money and nice clothes - this is what dd meant I presume. I don't mind her and we normally have an OK conversation, although she never asks what dh or I are doing. I am also not bad looking, I'm a bit overweight though which I'm trying hard to lose. I am retraining at college for a new career in my 50s, and am proud of myself and how far I've come.

I had an abusive childhood, my parents ans siblings were/are addicts with lots of MH problems. I've had lots of therapy over the years and have made a lovely life for myself. I have a really lovely marriage and three dcs, but it always plays on my mind that I can't give them a nice, normal family background. My parents are still alive but, despite my efforts, don't have anything to do with me or my kids.

After the visit, I said "I liked auntie x's jumper", and dd said "she looked fantastic! Nice to know we have some good genes in the family!" It really hurt. I suppose it triggered all kinds of insecurity and hurt feelings. Dd is on a gap year ATM and although she has a job and goes off to visit friends a lot, she's been pretty rude and grumpy at home, which dh and I are getting a bit ground down by. Thanks for reading.

It does pass

it hurts like hell but rising to it or even just saying it doesn’t help and often makes things worse

good news is it gets better and better as they hit their 20s.

in the meantime make sure you start prioritising you.

Let it be water off a duck's back. The best way to field an insult is to ignore it, if in fact your DD meant to goad you.

Thank you. I thought we'd swerved the difficult teen years but she seems to be having them now.

I am enjoying retraining, I feel better than I have for a long time, just bought some new clothes, had my hair done, even had a bit of botox in my frown lines! Was feeling quite good about myself. I now feel shit. Will get up and go about my day as if nothing has happened.

I think it's a fairly innocuous comment - she's attractive, hence the "good genes" comment. Obviously you've taken it to heart because of your past and family history, but that's probably not what your DD meant at all!

Realistically it's probably a comment just meant because she's attractive like you said, not a comment meant to make a dig about your family and their issues - although if your families issues are obvious (if it's MH and drugs and they're currently in that addiction phase your 19 year old might be aware of that!) then it's probably just a fairly blunt comparison.

I wouldn't take it as meaning you're an ugly person, but if your siblings / parents are addicts, then it's possible she's just expressing (poorly!) that it's nice to have some relatives that aren't?

I have heard (probably on MN) the rudeness termed as 'spoiling the nest' in readiness to fly the nest. She is trying to separate herself from you and your values to form her own identity.

As you say gap year I am presuming she is going to university/ away for training? It will be a bumpy few years but it shows she is fairly secure in her relationship with you. She isn't scared to say what she is thinking and she knows you are both there for her. That is fantastic parenting.

Yes, some of that is hard to hear but probably you are right.

Yes she's going to university. I know she regrets taking a gap year. Originally she wanted to so she could make some money and travel before uni, but most of her friends have gone straight to university.

Equating a nice jumper to good genes is a bit of a step, perhaps she just meant good fashion sense, although that might also seem a dig. I have absolutely no fashion sense so it would pass straight over...

I think she meant she is thin!

To be fair to your daughter, you’ve taken a throwaway comment which is presumably also a little lighthearted dig at herself and let it undermine your whole self worth.

With kindness, most of what you wrote in your op is completely irrelevant to the comment your daughter made which is basically just acknowledging that her aunt is a looker.

A quick “looks aren’t everything” would have sufficed.
It does sound like you need to address her overall attitude though.

Yes that would have been a good comeback.

I'm totally aware this is my stuff, not hers. It just seemed a bit thoughtless.

I have a 19 and 21 year old so the same stage. If it was my DD I would speak to her and ask her what she meant. Dependent on the reply I would tell her that it was a hurtful comment. Rudeness does not need to be tolerated and again I would be having words.

Did she mean good genes compared to your abusive family or was she purely talking about looks?

A bit thoughtless - yes I agree. That's what teenagers are! But I really don't think she meant this to be as hurtful as you're finding it.

Who knows! She's been pretty unfriendly to both dh and I recently.

I think she meant looks. As in, her aunt is thin and good looking and it's nice that she has those genes.

Sending you a hug.

Try not to dwell on what she said. Just a thoughtless comment.

The end of active parenting, i.e. the teenage and early adult years are hard.

You sound lovely, and I am sure have done a great job of raising your children. They'll come good in time.

I would think of it as a passing comment not something to have a deep and meaningful long think about it

It’s understood that children who are secure with their parents can act up around them when they’re generally feeling a bit anxious. She’s old enough though that you might tell her that the probably throwaway comment she made hurt you and why.
Might make her think and remind her you’re a person with your own anxieties.
I am so sorry your birth family are a bit shit. My best friend has a similar situation and I am sad that such a wonderful person isn’t appreciated by her family and also proud of her for ‘stopping the rot’. You will have worked very hard to create what you have and it must seem unfair. Your children will never really understand because they will never live that life you escaped.

Lovely way to understand the situation re secure attachment and feeling able to separate. I've never heard of spoiling the nest but it makes sense.

Also if it's SIL she doesn't even share the genes!

Thanks. I will not be mentioning it or visibly sulking or anything. She's going away this weekend so hopefully she'll have a nice time and I'll enjoy a quieter house.

It's my SIL - dds blood relative - dhs sister.

I can’t see anything wrong with her comment. She should be able to say something positive about someone without you assuming it’s a dig at you. She must be treading on eggshells wondering what will offend you next. It also sounds like you value appearance with your comments about your own looks and botox.

There's always one!

I can promise you she isn't treading on eggshells.

I would try not to take to heart as pp said an off the cuff remark which is hurtful to you but probably forgotten by her. A young adult is going to be impressed with a slim, attractive and successful aunt. Never heard spoiling the nest but makes sense too.