"Nice to know we have some good genes in our family!" Dd19's comment cut me to the quick

[Blanketyre]

Said after a visit to her aunt and uncle, my SIL and BIL.

For context - SIL is not hugely friendly, but is very thin and attractive with lots of money and nice clothes - this is what dd meant I presume. I don't mind her and we normally have an OK conversation, although she never asks what dh or I are doing. I am also not bad looking, I'm a bit overweight though which I'm trying hard to lose. I am retraining at college for a new career in my 50s, and am proud of myself and how far I've come.

I had an abusive childhood, my parents ans siblings were/are addicts with lots of MH problems. I've had lots of therapy over the years and have made a lovely life for myself. I have a really lovely marriage and three dcs, but it always plays on my mind that I can't give them a nice, normal family background. My parents are still alive but, despite my efforts, don't have anything to do with me or my kids.

After the visit, I said "I liked auntie x's jumper", and dd said "she looked fantastic! Nice to know we have some good genes in the family!" It really hurt. I suppose it triggered all kinds of insecurity and hurt feelings. Dd is on a gap year ATM and although she has a job and goes off to visit friends a lot, she's been pretty rude and grumpy at home, which dh and I are getting a bit ground down by. Thanks for reading.

What @mushpush said x

It's the kind of thing that bothers me to be honest as I was a mistake, born to 2 warring parents, my dad had very poor health brought on mainly be smoking and drinking (he went to the pub every single day) and my mum's mum had dementia really early and her dad was unhealthy , pub a lot and had epilepsy. My mum was depressed and binge drank, I am short, had a a squint, wear glasses and am knocked kneed. I feel like apologising to my daughter for not having better genes, especially when I see a group of very affluent people who have very thick hair!! Luckily my husband is 6 foot with thick hair and his parents aren't drinkers. Difference is, if my daughter said it I would agree but if it hit a nerve it hit a nerve.
As others have said though, good on you for ensuring that she does not know what it was like to be you growing up and also that she is secure enough to say that - I wouldn't have been with my parents, I don't know what they would have done as I never dared say anything back to them.

Thanks. I really like your attitude, wish I'd been a bit more light hearted about it now.

Taken in isolation I wouldn't think twice about that comment; it could just as easily be a positive remark as something snider. Even if it was a dig, you are over interpreting it and your job as the adult is to let it rot off you. Chin up OP, it sounds like you are doing great. Don't let your teen daughter dictate your moods.

*snidey

I don't think she meant it nastily.

I suppose it sounded to me as though I haven't given her good genes, which I suppose I haven't- although that's ironic really as my family are awful but actually all very good looking (or were before addiction took its toll). Anyway, my stuff.

Try not to let an immature teenager upset you. Even tho she’s your daughter, at that age they think they know it all and aren’t afraid to air their opinions, uncaring of whether anyone wants to hear them or not. They’ve got a lot to learn, but they don’t actually know it yet! You sound as if you are doing amazingly well. Enjoy your peaceful weekend.

It sounds like she meant that they didn't have any problems which also sounds fair given your history. She's aware of things which a lot of teens dont know about, not directly anyway.

It's not a reflection on you and the effort you've put in to giving her a good life.

I don’t think it’s hurtful.. I think she literally just meant she thought her aunt looked amazing and tbh I think it was just a throwaway comment. I get the impression from your posts you are seeking validation from your daughter… you don’t need it. Xx

She’s gone for your sore spot. My 22yo dd has done and still does this. People say look forward, you can’t go back, but the past is all around us, and I think especially when there are demons there, they can float around you at will.
Im 56 and ok enough with myself, but sometimes that feels like an illusion and the true me is 8 years old and at the mercy of my mother, and tbf a part of me is and a part of you is too @Blanketyre
Your dd has no real idea of the impact of what’s she’s said, because she has been lucky to be born into a loving family. She will never know or understand the damage of a dysfunctional childhood. She sees you as the whole woman you are, not the scared child, she has no idea about her.

You are doing and have done so bloody well, send the little you some love today and take a minute to reset yourself. X

Congratulations on the mid-life retraining! I know from (both my own and my parent’s) experience that that takes a huge amount of bravery and dedication.

So you’re doing that now - whilst your daughter is trudging through a grumpy gap year? Well, one of you is winning, and it’s not her. I was hugely proud when my mother did the same as you - but I was an undergraduate at the same time. Your daughter is watching you having the sort of challenge and fun she delayed for herself.

And while your reflections on your wider family probably don’t deserve the space they’ve taken up in your OP, it is highly likely that your daughter was comparing your SIL favourably with the rest.

Try not to take it to heart. She has another 70 or 80 years to occasionally lie awake at night regretting harsh things she’s said …

I wouldn’t over think it. Children, even older ones, sometimes say things that can be hurtful but they don’t mean it. She doesn’t have the same early life experiences as you (thankfully) so is probably unaware how much that cut.

I say how my side of the family have the good genes rather than their dad’s, it’s just a throwaway comment really.

Op when I was around that age I told one of my sisters that she could do better than her long term boyfriend & fiancé, who had offered to stay with her and raise a baby she was pregnant with by a couple of possible fathers (She had been cheating on him).

My reasons were that he was scruffy, not good-looking and "just" a mechanic.

I encouraged her to go for a relationship with the main contender for fathering her baby - a Royal Military Policeman (let's call him "Shit head") who was handsome and relatively well spoken.

Before the baby was born, shit head was already going AWOL and saying he didn't know if he was up for it all.
When the baby was born, he came and went as he pleased and often went AWOL while my sister struggled with a new born.
They did end up cohabiting and marrying (the latter paid for by my parents) and he nearly missed the flight for the wedding & honeymoon abroad because he was hung over. He's been supposed to get married in his dress uniform but they had to hire him a suit because he was too disorganised in his hungover state to bring it.

He then proceeded to cheat on my sister, lie to her, gas light her etc.. throughout the marriage.
He spoke about her in such a way to his colleagues that one of them thought she was for "sharing" when she visited him where he was stationed. That colleague also let her know her h had joined a brothel trip in that country.

He eventually knocked her down, dragged her around the floor and physically threw her out & then locked her out of their home in her bare feet. (This was because of an argument that happened because she had walked into a local bar that evening, when he was supposed to be doing "overtime", to find him sitting there with two women she didn't know.
He did a lot of "overtime").

He asked my Mum for a sizeable loan behind my sister's back, implying she knew (she didn't), and using emotional blackmail (if I have debts, I don't get into the police and I'll have to move with your daughter and grandson elsewhere to get work). My sister says that the only reason my Mum saw a penny of the loan back was because she forced him to pay it.

He was a consistently shit father to their child, who asked to stop seeing him after they separated. I think being thumped in the back on one post separation visit was what ended my nephew's desire to continue seeing him. Though shithead had been useless and pushed all the childcare onto his mother long before that.

By the time they divorced, my sister was alcohol dependent...and still is years later.

Her ex fiancé is apparently happily married with a family.

So ..... The point of this essay is that, young people are fucking stupid.

Often pretentious and superficial.

They are, ateotd, still kids to some extent.
Imho it takes til the 30s for most young people to truly get a clue.

Ignore it, be embarrassed for her.
Maybe in time she'll be embarrassed for herself.

It seems a fairly innocuous comment, but none of us know the ins and outs of your relationship.

Try not to compare yourself to your SIL, this sounds like the biggest issue. Not your daughter's views.

Can I ask what you said when she said that?

Personally I'd have either asked something like:
'Why did you say that' or 'what do you mean?' (to give her a chance to clarify).

Or

'Ouch! Why would you say that?' (To give her a chance to see it was hurtful whether she meant it or not).

Then I'd let it go.

They become human again around 22. Eldest son was an absolute pain. Uni was a blessed relief. Oh the peace. Once he'd lived with other people just as self absorbed as he was it knocked some of the edges off. He used to ring and apologise periodically for ,as he put it " being such a twat". He is happily married and lives 20 minutes away now. We're meeting him for breakfast this morning. Hang in there,it does get so much better. I would absolutely agree with the 'spoiling the nest' thing.

Honestly, sounds totally like an off the cuff remark and unless your DD has form for making digs at you there's no reason to believe it was one. But I can see why with your background you might react negatively.

What a lovely post and much appreciated thank you.

I said Ouch! That hurt my feelings!

Your only mistake, OP, was to post this thread under 'Adult Children' because your DD19, clearly hasn't yet reached adulthood.
Congratulations on the studies.

What did she say afterwards?

This stood out to me in the OP

'she's been pretty rude and grumpy at home, which dh and I are getting a bit ground down by. '

Also you refer to having a quieter house this weekend as she's away.

I would be having very frank words about an adult being rude to me in my own home. I realise she is only 19 but along with the rights of being an adult come the responsibilities. She likely wouldn't behave like this with her friends because they'd tell her to get lost and neither is this behaviour acceptable at home.

I do my DC's washing (when they are home from uni etc) and do most meals despite them being adults so I'm a lot softer than many on here but I never put up with rudeness of being made uncomfortable in my own home. They know the score.

Oh sorry! I thought I'd posted in parenting

She was really defensive and told me I was being oversensitive and that I always did. Pretty sure I don't, but maybe I do.

Eve if that’s true, and it’s a plausible explanation, it was thoughtless and hurtful, though adults of all ages can be that.

There’d be no harm in taking an opportunity to explain that to OP’s DD.