"Nice to know we have some good genes in our family!" Dd19's comment cut me to the quick

[Blanketyre]

Said after a visit to her aunt and uncle, my SIL and BIL.

For context - SIL is not hugely friendly, but is very thin and attractive with lots of money and nice clothes - this is what dd meant I presume. I don't mind her and we normally have an OK conversation, although she never asks what dh or I are doing. I am also not bad looking, I'm a bit overweight though which I'm trying hard to lose. I am retraining at college for a new career in my 50s, and am proud of myself and how far I've come.

I had an abusive childhood, my parents ans siblings were/are addicts with lots of MH problems. I've had lots of therapy over the years and have made a lovely life for myself. I have a really lovely marriage and three dcs, but it always plays on my mind that I can't give them a nice, normal family background. My parents are still alive but, despite my efforts, don't have anything to do with me or my kids.

After the visit, I said "I liked auntie x's jumper", and dd said "she looked fantastic! Nice to know we have some good genes in the family!" It really hurt. I suppose it triggered all kinds of insecurity and hurt feelings. Dd is on a gap year ATM and although she has a job and goes off to visit friends a lot, she's been pretty rude and grumpy at home, which dh and I are getting a bit ground down by. Thanks for reading.

Firstly you have passed on good genes to her. The strength of character and tenacity to make sure your life (and your DDs) turned out differently despite what your family was life was like. You are also a positive role model in being the master of your own destiny eg retraining.

I agree with PPs that your DDs comments hit deeper because of your past and she is free to be able to make them because she is secure in your love.

One day (like my own daughter) she will understand what obstacles you had to overcome to give her the life she has and get where you are - and be incredibly proud of that rather than your figure or dress sense.

Oh thank you. That's made me feel quite emotional. I've had an emotional week as with my retraining I've started working with some really vulnerable people and I think that's probably not helping my general state

Good for you-I would have said something like, ‘charming-that’s a bit rude!!’

Perhaps your dd was trying to be self-deprecating, criticising herself rather than you. (The implication she's making is that her own 'good genes' don't show through in her own looks). My guess is it didn't cross her mind that it was an implied criticism of you too.
The other day in front of all the family my very elderly dad commented about my 2 ds's high level academic achievements saying 'well they certainly don't get their brains from our side of the family!'
Thanks Dad! In one fell swoop he manages to insult my intelligence, my mum's and his own while clumsily trying to compliment my very clever dh, the boys' dad!
I know what he actually meant was just to be a bit self-deprecating and I'm 100% sure it didnt cross his mind that he was writing off the mental capacity of the rest of the family too! (We all just laughed and have added it to our family list of funny things grandpa says).
As you say, your own family history has made you super-sensitive to implied criticism, but taking that comment personally is probably OVER sensitive and an overreaction. Instead bear in mind that your dd is saying much more about her own confidence and looks than yours.

I'm not surprised you felt hurt, I'm mum to a teen daughter and I would feel very hurt at such a heartless comment!

You sound an amazing mum. She will not have the life perspective yet to appreciate just how amazing to have built up such a nice and safe life for yourself and your family. She will attain this once she's a bit older. Plus what you're doing just now shows continual life goals and moving forward. You sound a brilliant role model.

I'm sorry she's in an unappreciative phase just now. It hurts, no matter what anyone says. I would definitely be talking to her about my feelings following a comment like that - she's old enough to reflect and respond. Hugs to you.

Maybe. She's been a bit down about her skin now I come to think of it. She's also extremely tall which I think bothers her. She's not a 'girly' type of girl. I think she's amazing, sporty and fearless. But perhaps she feels a bit self conscious.

Thank you. She's never said anything about being proud of me and I wouldn't expect her to, but her teacher last year said to me that dd had said to her how proud of me she was! So hopefully she doesn't think I've passed on a load of crap genes.

I think this could be true, more a lack of filter/maturity. She feels confident and secure enough to say he first thought without running it through the “is this ok to say” filter.

My DH side of the family are all slim/wiry type people, I am naturally more generous of thigh. I secretly hope my kids get their fathers build genes. I wouldn’t say so though as it wouldn’t be appropriate to comment on someone’s bodies/genes etc or give my kids hang ups that one body type is better than another. It would be purely projecting my own feelings about my body. But that’s where the filter comes in.

I do think it’s important to pull them up on these things sometimes where there’s a filter failure… explaining how something could be hurtful and reminding them that you are also a person with feelings.

I think I’d see that as a suggestion she’s aware of the widespread addiction and MH problems on your side of the family, not as any kind of reflection on you as an individual. I’m certainly very aware of my son’s potential genetic inheritance from my family and DH’s, particularly, once I found I was carrying a boy, as I was very aware of three generations of extremely poor MH in the men on my mother’s side of the family, which is never talked about.

Seeing your DH’s sister looking together, well-dressed etc may have just been a forceful reminder that she has genetic heritage from her father’s side too.

I think you sound admirable, incidentally.

I think it's good that you said something at the time about it hurting your feelings. I think that will give her pause for thought, even if outwardly she's a bit defensive about it. It's good for teenagers to have it pointed out sometimes that their parents are people too, with thoughts and feelings and not only support humans for them!

Id leave this be now, but I would challenge any further rudeness or unkindness. Sounds like your dd still needs active parenting and teaching manners.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's good that you told her. She can be defensive all she wants, she now knows and hopefully, it gives her pause for thought next time.

The DD may be immature in some ways, but at 19 she is unquestionably an adult.

@BlanketyreI can see why you were taken aback by what your DD said, though it could well have been an attempt at self-deprecation as a PP suggested. It was a thoughtless comment, quite possibly in the literal sense that she hadn’t thought through the implications, rather than thoughtless in the sense of being unkind.

I react to other things I am sure that would be water of a ducks back to you! I think the absolute key to this and good on you is that you've recognised that it's (I hate this word) triggering for you rather than just blaming her. It's just very hard to do that in the moment isn't it.

I remember saying this to my parents at a similar age. I was thinking about myopia, asthma, type 2 diabetes, and a few other health problems. I certainly wasn’t thinking about all the wonderful things I can attribute to genetics: intelligence, attractiveness, well-balanced personalities, etc. Looking back, it was an example of the narrow-mindedness of being young. All of us carry strengths and weaknesses from our heritage, but we don’t let it define our everything.
I don’t think it’s anything to worry about, or refine upon. She won’t have meant it deeply at all.

Your DD is at that age where they aren't really thinking about everything you have described. It was meant exactly as she said it, she's slim and attractive - good genes in the family. It's not a dig at you . She's not thinking about how SIL treats you or any of the background stuff. Don't take it personally xx