DD is stonewalling me but still living here

[Blaccurrantjam]

My DD21 has had a strop about things I have called her out on - borrowing money and lying about why she is using it (saying she couldn’t get to work then spending it on something stupid) not cleaning up her own mess. She twisted it that it’s all my fault I am a terrible parent blah blah - I’ve heard all this deflection before and it no longer cuts deep like it used to. DD has a lot of issues and I’ve tried to help but she’s an adult now and is taking no responsibility for herself. I can confirm I called her out in an adult, mature way and I was not spiteful or petty, I was upfront and clear and don’t enter into tit for tat

She works and is paying rent but is hardly here, and makes a lot of mess. I’ve asked her to move out if she isn’t prepared to act like an adult but she doesn’t want to and has no money of course.

She has blocked me from her phone and stone walling me, still coming and going from our house but the thing that is winding me up the most today is that she has taken my Dyson hairdryer out of my room and is using it. If I go get it back now it is exactly the reaction she wants from me that I am petty. I am planning on hiding it in my car when she has gone to work. I worked hard to save up to pay for that very expensive, and I previously lent it to her when she asked because I am not tight and usually share stuff. it’s unbelievable she would think she is entitled to use it without even asking, and after how rude and awful she has been.

I’ve also had enough of this behaviour of her ignoring me. She will be back of course needing something at some point acting like nothing happened. What’s the best way of dealing with a petty stonewaller please? I don’t want to be petty or stoop to this level. I need her to move out if this is going to continue but how do I actually go about doing that? Ultimately I would like her to stop being toxic and understand her actions are unacceptable. She still owes me money too!

I didn’t bring her up like this, this stonewalling is not something she has learnt from me. It’s powerful though 😔

thanks I’m sorry you had to deal with it.

shes pissed her sister off the last few months majorly but now she triangulates her sister into this drama with me.

She washes her own clothes - on that note she uses up all the fabric softener and didn’t replace it, I bought some yesterday and she has used 1/4 of it on 2 washing loads so it’s literally just money being poured down the drain. I don’t cook for her either as she is rarely here at the same time but if they are home I will make a family meal at times - which she will eat in her room and leave the plate to rot.

She makes the bathroom disgusting mainly. This recent row was cos I put all the empty bottles of shampoo and bathroom stuff onto her make up table for her to throw away. There was 19 bottles of empty stuff. She is pissed off I went into her room. And then I found out she spent the £20 I gave her for petrol on going to mini golf and asked for the money back.

She keeps making herself strawberries and cream with icing sugar. This involves clogging the sink with the strawberry tops, covering the whole kitchen in a layer of icing sugar and leaving drops of cream all over the floor and cupboards. So I clean the kitchen and it’s just trashed and gross when I get back. It’s so depressing. It’s beyond what they were like as teenagers which was slightly thoughtless this all feels deliberate

If she is not prepared to show you basic respect then she doesn't deserve to have free rein in your home and you should give her till November (or some reasonable time limit) to leave.
It sounds like it'll be good for you both for her to have to be responsible and have her independence and it might do wonders for your relationship.
Try to be supportive for her move if she will let you, she's likely to very quickly realise she needs her Mum and has it very good.

At 21 she most likely won't be able to afford to move into her own flat, but could she afford a room in a house share on her salary?

Are you a single parent dealing with this? If you're apart from her dad is there any chance of sending her to live with him?

Id definitely be getting a lock for my bedroom door to stop her accessing your things. If she doesn't like you entering her bedroom then she shouldn't be going in to yours either.

It might be time to (kindly) TELL her she needs to move out with a timeframe of a couple of months. You shouldn't have to put up with unasked borrowing/not returning things and grubbiness from an adult. She's just not a good housemate and probably needs to move out to learn this. She's had 3 years past turning 18. That's plenty of time to have built up work experience and savings.

I am a single parent yes. My room is tricky as it’s where we hang all the laundry to dry so everyone has access to it. I can move the laundry to the lounge but I hate it all being down there as it doesn’t dry very fast as it’s not a warm room. My room is very long and warm so it has space and the end for it to be. They won’t hang washing outside as they are afraid of spiders. We have a washer dryer but most of DD’s stuff can’t go in a dryer anyway.

She has a dad but he is useless and no chance of living with him.

I am getting depressed being in my own home. She says she’s unhappy too but she won’t change anything. I’ve asked her to move out and she says she needs a YEAR

It's your home and you have a right to be happy and secure there.
You need to stand firm now and it'll pay off later.

I don’t have any answers unfortunately but I’m sending support and solidarity! I have a DD20 who sounds identical, and I’m at my wits end with her. She’s like a 14 year old in an adult’s body and I have no idea what I did wrong or how to change it. I’m hoping posters will come along with tales of magical personality changes in early 20s.

I'd put the dryer away and tell them to hang their washing outside from now on, scared of spiders on their washing? That's really childish. I'm scared of big spiders but still hang my washing outside!

No more lending money. The bank of mum is closed forever.

I have a slightly younger daughter who is a bloody delight. Yes she’s a messy little goblin in her bedroom but she will tidy stuff up, help and is polite and respectful. I do not know what is different with DD1 but yes it’s like a regression! It’s unbearable

I have to say, I agree about the locks. Lock all your stuff in your room.

Do you have other DC who are younger?

Unless there are SEN you're not mentioning, in this situation I would do something quite radical. I would downsize.

I would give her a good 9-12 months notice that she could no longer live with you as you're getting a smaller place now she's an adult. I'd do that very gently, with a very soft lead in,and help with hunting for a room
In a house share, job hunting etc. I'd put up the deposit, but i'd be absolutely clear that she had to go.

I don’t know if there is SEN although I tried very hard to get help when she was younger, it just didn’t go anywhere. She was always in trouble at both primary and secondary for being rude and bolshy, she causes trouble by talking about other people behind their backs etc. she has an issue with her temper.

there has been interaction as I am writing this post

she came into my room uninvited. I asked for the hairdryer back please (politely). She stomped off then came back and threw it onto the floor at my feet with my hair straighters as well.

Then she said, and I quote ‘it’s polite to say THANK YOU when someone hands you something and you didn’t say thanks or ‘you’re welcome’

I will be honest I was so shook at the audacity and delusion I didn’t even respond. wtf

Stop giving her money.

Depending on where you are, encourage people to dry outside (fine where I am, not so fine for eg my mum in Lancashire as it rains all the time).

If everyone has their own airer then they can set it up in their own bedroom.

Put a lock on your bedroom. Doesn't have to be complicated, to start with you could just put a bolt on or a simple hook and latch so that when you are in it no-one can come in.

Or something like this is quite simple.

amzn.eu/d/3508UVt

Now you tell her that it's obvious to you that she hates living in this home and she's showing it clearly. She's made it difficult for you because of the disrespect she's showing you so now is the time to move out.
If she wants help finding somewhere, you'll give her a hand.

If she threw it at you, I'd be telling her she has 12 months to move out as your downsizing. she can go to the council if needs be.

Time to get tough, she sounds awful no 20 year old should be behaving like that no offence.

The twist is she has got herself a new boyfriend who is off to uni next week, I expect the tantrums are because in reality she doesn’t like that he is moving to uni. And she’s taking it out on me.

I’ve told her to move out she just is ignoring me.

This sounds intense OP, not much advice except to remain calm and ignore her digs.
You want her to move out, right? If yes, maybe you could find an ad for a room that she could afford, sit her down and try discussing her practical details about her moving out.
She seems angry to be living with you and you feel like she disrespects you daily. Try to keep making it clear that this won’t go on for a year, do you feel like you could give a deadline? (3m?)

Just because you're her mum , doesn't mean you're her emotional punching back. You deserve at least the respect and common courtesy she'd give a stranger/an acquaintance.

She needs a year? Fine. She has a year starting today. However in that time, she needs to treat you with respect, communicate properly, ask permission to use your stuff , stop throwing tantrums and clean up after herself, otherwise she's out. Those are her only two options.

Do not shout or scream, be calm and rational and explain this is how it is. If she tantrums ignore it, she's been given notice. It's up to her if that notice becomes a month instead of a year because of her behaviour.

I’m not sure it’s really about me entirely. The mood has been getting worse as it gets closer to the boyfriend leaving. Which I would be supportive of but I’m unsure on him, I don’t know him and my DD2 really doesn’t like him for a valid reason, it’s caused nothing but hassle and drama. As DD2 doesn’t like him, DD1 isn’t bringing him to our house. Boyfriend lives in a big house with a rich dad who lets him do as he likes. So DD is over there every night seeing how the other half live and seething in resentment at dd2 and I. Then she no longer has access to this space as he’s leaving home and she will be stuck at home with nothing to do

Why would you not let your DD use your hairdryer, and even go as far as to lock it in your car! That’s incredibly petty. Also, telling her to move out is a great way of showing her you care about her. She’s 21, finding her feet in adulthood, is the product of divorced parents and her boyfriend is about to move away.
instead of showing her how much you dislike her, try showing her you love her and want to work out a way of living positively together. Arrange a time when you can both sit down and discuss the issues sensibly, and listen to each other.

I love how you completely ignored DD's behaviours and attitude towards her mother and the house she lives in and fixated on the dryer. A dryer that got thrown on the floor at OP when returned. Fuck me.

Kick her out.

If she refuses then as the homeowner, you can call the police to assist you.

I’ve let her use the hairdryer for months but she’s choosing not to speak to me. I worry I am being petty but her hair is very important to her and she loves this device and basically it’s the only thing I have any power over so I am taking it back out of principal. I think she will care more about the air wrap than me

I think I would let her know her behaviour is unacceptable so she needs to either change or move to a house share.
I'd also start openly saving for her deposit and first months rent and based the timeline on how long it was going to take to save up.
Good luck she sounds unbearable to live with.