DD is stonewalling me but still living here

[Blaccurrantjam]

My DD21 has had a strop about things I have called her out on - borrowing money and lying about why she is using it (saying she couldn’t get to work then spending it on something stupid) not cleaning up her own mess. She twisted it that it’s all my fault I am a terrible parent blah blah - I’ve heard all this deflection before and it no longer cuts deep like it used to. DD has a lot of issues and I’ve tried to help but she’s an adult now and is taking no responsibility for herself. I can confirm I called her out in an adult, mature way and I was not spiteful or petty, I was upfront and clear and don’t enter into tit for tat

She works and is paying rent but is hardly here, and makes a lot of mess. I’ve asked her to move out if she isn’t prepared to act like an adult but she doesn’t want to and has no money of course.

She has blocked me from her phone and stone walling me, still coming and going from our house but the thing that is winding me up the most today is that she has taken my Dyson hairdryer out of my room and is using it. If I go get it back now it is exactly the reaction she wants from me that I am petty. I am planning on hiding it in my car when she has gone to work. I worked hard to save up to pay for that very expensive, and I previously lent it to her when she asked because I am not tight and usually share stuff. it’s unbelievable she would think she is entitled to use it without even asking, and after how rude and awful she has been.

I’ve also had enough of this behaviour of her ignoring me. She will be back of course needing something at some point acting like nothing happened. What’s the best way of dealing with a petty stonewaller please? I don’t want to be petty or stoop to this level. I need her to move out if this is going to continue but how do I actually go about doing that? Ultimately I would like her to stop being toxic and understand her actions are unacceptable. She still owes me money too!

I didn’t bring her up like this, this stonewalling is not something she has learnt from me. It’s powerful though 😔

I think you need to give her a months notice and then change the locks!

She has a job and works full time. She doesn’t earn that well but that’s her choice to stay in a low paying job. Last week she went into a flurry of applying for new jobs and was excited. Then the incident of the shampoo bottles kicked off and I am blocked. She owes me £200 now. I am pretty generous as I earn more than them so I don’t make them pay back £10 here and there and I pick things up for them but this is just too far now. She’s not getting anymore money from me

I don’t know when I will next see her and I can’t contact her. Leaving a note will just give her more ammunition and she will say it’s passive aggressive. Do I wait for her to calm down?

They won’t hang washing outside as they are afraid of spiders

So the fuck what? Taking the piss means loading privileges. Put a lockable doorknob on your bedroom door and keep shit locked away

Tell her it's time for her to leave and she can move in with her dad.

Yes the stonewalling is controlling and quite bullying. I get that too. It is immensely frustrating.

Being messy, borrowing things she shouldn't, this kind of thing is something where harsher and more stringent rules can be added until eventually it culminates in her having to leave.

Her blocking and not talking to you but living in your house - I'd be telling her to issue a grovelling apology or collect her things ahead of the locks changing.

It’s the complete lack of respect or appreciation that is the most hurtful.

There's no easy answer. A bit of space may help.
But somehow, if you're going to repair the relationship between you, then some how you need to be the adult and find a route through all this.
The positive thing is that you have had a good relationship previously. I'd bet she's struggling with what she's done but lacks the maturity to stand back, think and apologise. So she needs help from you (even though she'd never say that to you).

Maybe take a look at some of the articles about repairing relationships with teenage / young adult children and see if there's anything helpful there?

You are bending and bowing to them constantly, why can't you see this?!

Lock your bedroom. Dry your clothes in there if you must but it is NOT your issue. You say you have a tumble dryer? Ten the horrid adult child to use the dryer and the charger is an extra £15 a week in electric charges.

Do not lend her your hate dryer. Lock it in your room. I don't care how much she loves her hair, she's treating you like shit on her shoe and you are just allowing it 🤷🏼‍♀️😵‍💫

Go onto fb and find a free/cheap 2nd hand fridge and put it in dds room. Then lock your fridge too so her using your food and making a mess

Take photos and WhatsApp her the state that she leaves the kitchen in. Every time it's a mess send her a photo with a message telling her this is your mess. You don't need the interpersonal drama you need her to see the mess and clean it up.

I think I would take a two tier approach. She has to move out - when she does so is her choice. If she wants to stay for the next 9 - 12 months, she has to speak to people respectfully, ask in advance to borrow things, clear up after herself, throw away her rubbish and anything else that she is doing that she would not get away with in a shared house with room mates. If she can behave, she has a year to make plans. If she wants to be rude and disrespectful, the time she can stay decreases. If she refuses to speak to you and discuss this, she has a week and you will change the locks. This is not the house she pays for or runs, so she needs to live there at her consent.

Your consent, not her consent.

Dont buy expensive foods, cosmetics, washing liquids, etc. Let her wash her clothes with whatever she wants, water and a bar soap for example.

This is a hard one.

The fact she has blocked you but still is living in your house, it’s hard not to say ‘go live somewhere else then if you want nothing to do with me’
bur she’s obviously just blocking you for drama and effect

absolutely stop giving her money and I actually would put locks on the door so she can’t take your stuff let alone throw it on the floor. If she kicks off that’s her problem. Buy her an air wrap for Xmas.

I’d probably wait until the boyfriend has left, give it a few weeks to calm down so she gets used to it (or, they break up) and then invite her out like for a dinner just you two and talk to her. Calmly.

do you really want her moving out, when you’re blocked, she might not tell you where she’s going, she could end up anywhere…
I say this because of my own life experiences.

Sounds like you need some space from each other. She is being difficult but I think a lot of that would be solved by you two not living together. It’s quite unfair that this younger generation are not able to live Independently as easily as those maybe 30 years ago. The government is to blame for not building enough houses to keep up with demand, for crazy rent prices and making it unreachable for a lot of people to buy houses. Part of this is the situation which isn’t totally your daughters doing.

"You are the parent and home owner, housework is ultimately your responsibility." It's also her decision as to who lives there and she gets to set the expectation around behaviour of those that live in the house.

Even although she is also making a mess of your kitchen?

Wow the comments on here, completely heartless!

It sounds like your daughter is going though a tough time and doesn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with it so she is behaving in a less than ideal manner. After reading your comments it doesn’t surprise me that she is in this position since children learn how to handle emotions through being parented properly and you don’t sound like a very good parent at all!

You could try showing her some love and communicate properly with her instead of telling her to leave. I can’t imagine how she must feel. You’re supposed to be one of the people she can turn to for support.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I think at 21 unfortunately it’s likely that this is just who she is.

Im probably not going to be popular for this but I just want to say that you don’t have to keep anyone in your life if they are toxic. It doesn’t matter who that person is, even if they’re your daughter.

It’s clear you’ve done everything you can for DD. Maybe it’s time to stop. Tell her she needs to leave, give her a deadline, keep reminding her of the deadline. On deadline day, change the locks while she’s out, and call the police if she causes a disturbance.

Sorry but I think you’re being incredibly petty. I’d love to hear the daughters side of this situation cos I bet there is tons unsaid

I would give her a deadline to move out OP

One of my DDs has as similar until she went to Uni and had to share a kitchen and common area with other people in addition to going to the shops and pay for groceries herself.