DD is stonewalling me but still living here

[Blaccurrantjam]

My DD21 has had a strop about things I have called her out on - borrowing money and lying about why she is using it (saying she couldn’t get to work then spending it on something stupid) not cleaning up her own mess. She twisted it that it’s all my fault I am a terrible parent blah blah - I’ve heard all this deflection before and it no longer cuts deep like it used to. DD has a lot of issues and I’ve tried to help but she’s an adult now and is taking no responsibility for herself. I can confirm I called her out in an adult, mature way and I was not spiteful or petty, I was upfront and clear and don’t enter into tit for tat

She works and is paying rent but is hardly here, and makes a lot of mess. I’ve asked her to move out if she isn’t prepared to act like an adult but she doesn’t want to and has no money of course.

She has blocked me from her phone and stone walling me, still coming and going from our house but the thing that is winding me up the most today is that she has taken my Dyson hairdryer out of my room and is using it. If I go get it back now it is exactly the reaction she wants from me that I am petty. I am planning on hiding it in my car when she has gone to work. I worked hard to save up to pay for that very expensive, and I previously lent it to her when she asked because I am not tight and usually share stuff. it’s unbelievable she would think she is entitled to use it without even asking, and after how rude and awful she has been.

I’ve also had enough of this behaviour of her ignoring me. She will be back of course needing something at some point acting like nothing happened. What’s the best way of dealing with a petty stonewaller please? I don’t want to be petty or stoop to this level. I need her to move out if this is going to continue but how do I actually go about doing that? Ultimately I would like her to stop being toxic and understand her actions are unacceptable. She still owes me money too!

I didn’t bring her up like this, this stonewalling is not something she has learnt from me. It’s powerful though 😔

Does she want to go to uni?
There's definitely some frustration going on.

This isnt working for either of you. Just give her a deadline to move out by. And then follow through. No more lending money, dump whatever she leaves around in her room. She's old enough. If she can't respect you, she can't live in your house.

She also asked me to use my currys credit account to buy her an Apple Watch. She paid some back then gave the watch to her sister for her birthday. I already have my own but now I am stuck paying another £150 for this watch that neither of them use

It is probably worth starting your lay the groundwork towards her being able to move out.

Many teens are inconsiderate around the house. When they move out and go to uni or move into a shared house then what they do pisses off other young people and they have rows.

Slowly they start to realise that if I do X people come and shout at me so maybe I won't (leave all my dishes in the sink) etc etc.

If it's you telling her this it gets tangled up in the parental relationship and she can ignore it because "it's just mum".

Maybe agree to take her out for coffee and talk through her plans. Does she have a job/planning more education? Say that you want to support her to develop as a person and spread her wings and ultimately be an independent adult.

You don't need to start sending her links to rooms in shared houses just yet (unless she really is pissing you off) but just make clear that the game plan is that she moves out.

You can re-enforce that by setting up rules for your own house. Eg Now we are all adults, it's time that we ran this house more like a shared house to prepare you both for the next stage of your lives. So I'll give you an airer each and you can choose to dry outside or in your bedroom as you choose.

Equally, in a shared house it wouldn't generally be ok to go into other people's rooms and take their stuff. So maybe have a rule that it isn't ok to do that, and say that if it continues you will need to do what people in shared houses do and put a lock on every bedroom door.

How terrible for you.
Yes, agree to the one year to be out.
It gives her enough time to realistically save up.
Give her a hair dryer for her Christmas present.

Work out a plan to live together more peacefully for the year.
Ask her to choose two regular weekly cleaning chores and have her cook two meals for the household each week (plus the cleaning up). Keep dumping any of her stuff that is left about in a box near her bedroom door.
Put locks on some rooms and cupboards

If she won't co-operate then tell her she needs to move out within the month.

It's your house.

I’ve tried rules but in her mind nothing applies to her as she’s ’never home’. She comes home to do laundry and wash her hair. So in her mind she doesn’t use any rooms in the house, just her own bedroom, she is convinced of this.

Sell it.

I missed it she works full time or not?

OP, she’s an adult and I know you love her but you need to leave a letter on her pillow saying “Move out today by 4pm or I’ll call the police to have you removed”. You’re being abused and controlled in your own home by another adult. If this was a romantic partner, you’d call the police.

Take off her door, say privacy is earnt. You cannot live like this anymore. Her dad may be shit but she has another parent, a rich boyfriend and this might shock her into realising what she actually has.

Maybe try a reset by doing something different? Try to find that DD that you like in her? Invite her out - let's go shopping / for coffee / lunch? Driving can often be helpful to discuss things? No eye contact so less "tense". Maybe avoid difficult subjects or blame - just spend a little positive time together?

If you want to change someone you have to try to do something different and see if you get different response. Do you smile at her & laugh with her? If she does something helpful, is it acknowledged? What does she warm to? I know it's exhausting when our young adult children are "challenging" and you're evidently exhausted by it all. Older children bullying parents is a thing.

But it is worth thinking about whether there's anything you can do to reset things. To re establish a respectful relationship and then some boundaries? It's not easy but she sounds unhappy and is (unacceptably) taking it out on you.

Not meaning to minimise how dreadfully she's behaving - just looking at whether there's anything you can do to regain some control.

That is really petty, there is no two ways about it. Remember that you should be modelling the behaviour of a mature, sensible adult here. This is something I can imagine someone your daughters age would do.

The point about rules is that if she doesn't stick to them you make changes in the house so that she has to.

So if she believes she only goes into her bedroom and the bathroom - fine, she won't have a problem with you putting a lock on your door and anyone else in the house putting a lock in their door.

That way she physically cannot get in to take stuff. Which she doesn't do anyway as she has said.

Give her six months notice, that will fly by but still long enough for her to save enough to sort something

She makes the bathroom disgusting mainly. This recent row was cos I put all the empty bottles of shampoo and bathroom stuff onto her make up table for her to throw away. There was 19 bottles of empty stuff

This is also petty behaviour from a parent who should be modelling how a reasonable, sensible adult behaves.

I get it, you were pissed at noone binning stuff in the bathroom and responded in the moment. We all do that kind of thing. It's not a shining example of rational behaviour though.

She is not the only person who uses that bathroom. Or the shampoo. You are the parent and home owner, housework is ultimately your responsibility. Or are you only selectively not throwing away her shampoo bottles but are throwing away anyone else's? That's petty. And somewhat mean. It's like you really hate her.

I don’t understand why you are cleaning up after her. Call her down after she uses the kitchen and stand and watch her clean up. Same with the bathroom. No lending her money. She’s not talking to you so it can’t be any worse than it is and if she doesn’t like it she can move out.

She's a lodger who is behaving unacceptably essentially.

I'd give her a week's notice to leave and if she ignores you pack up all her stuff and put it outside the front door. Fasten the bolt if you have one and ask her to post her key back through the letter box or you'll bill her for having the locks changed.

That might force her to engage with you. I'd then consider letting her stay but she needs to repay you what she owes and agree to a lodger's agreement where she behaves civilly and considerately towards the other residents of the house. Tell her she'll be gone for real if she steps over the line again.

She's 21 not 5!!

Housework, including cleaning up her shit and after herself is definitely her responsibility.

She’s 21, finding her feet in adulthood, is the product of divorced parents and her boyfriend is about to move away.

::

These facts DO NOT give a free pass to treat your family and home with such contempt and disrespect. I know plenty of young people who have experienced all of these and more and do not regress to acting like a 5 year old. She has a younger sibling too so if OP were to pander to her every need and wish this would impact the younger sister.

@MrsOvertonsWindow and @Octavia64 both very measured responses from you as usual

Are you the daughter?

Could be my daughter you’re talking about. Particularly the hairdryer theft! Seems she is taking a long time to mature. I don’t have an answer, just that I feel for you. It’s a long haul having kids. One day they will grow out of it. Stay strong.

How long do you plan to go on like this?

She needs to move. Now!

She is the only person. It was all her stuff, no one is allowed to use her things. She spends all her money on expensive products then just leaves empty things on the floor or piled up on the shower tray. I am at my wits end.

DD2 and I do share shampoo and shower gel. DD2 has allergies so cannot use any of DD1’s products. DD2 can only use products that do not have any SLS in them. So we just pick up SLS free shampoo/shower stuff as and when we need to. I am not fussy I don’t have a lot of toiletries. DD2 can also only use one brand of sensitive fabric softener so the one I have to buy is not cheap and even if I buy a 2nd cheaper version, DD1 will just use the expensive one anyway.

sorry if this was not clear I was not meaning to be petty I was handing back her belongings. The hairdryer I accept is petty but I am not prepared to be taken advantage of anymore.

DD1 has taken over the whole bathroom storage. I was trying to clean the bathroom and there was so much. If I throw it out, I will also get accused of throwing out her stuff. I’ve already been accused of throwing things away that were not finished. So I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. It wasn’t that I was just pissed off, if I throw it away I will also get a load of abuse at me about that. I can’t win! I threw away manky old razor heads and that resulted in another tantrum

DD2 and I clean the bathroom between us. I am probably much better at it but DD2 will give it a go. DD2 also clears up after herself in the kitchen. DD1 just says it’s not her stuff. DD2 doesn’t feel that I am an unreasonable witch expecting too much. DD2 also doesn’t really like DD1’s grime - it’s not hard to just rinse the walls and shower tray down after yourself or empty the bin full of sanitary products if it’s full up.

Yes, I’ve also had the issue of loads and loads of expensive products being bought by my student daughter who is always pestering for more money and hasn’t found a job. I don’t have that stuff myself! And the hideous bin of sanitary products. Yep. Urgh.

It is so infuriating. My daughter has ADHD and I get wary of too much confronting her as she can get very hostile. I don’t have an answer - just solidarity!!

Up until the new boyfriend we had done lots of things together and had plans to go out and do stuff. Things were not always great but not this bad. She would complain and be a pain but generally do stuff and we had a nice social life together just her and I. We actually got the Apple Watches as we were exercising together. We have even been on holiday just the 2 of us a few times.

I kind of feel like she is creating drama and distance to feel less guilty she’s dropped everyone like a stone for this lad? DD2 says it’s obvious that she is creating a narrative to justify her behaviour.

What does not help is that DD1 feels like no one likes her boyfriend and is projecting all this back onto her family. DD2 doesn’t like this lad because he was horrible to my DD2 before DD1 knew him. DD1 lied for months she was seeing him and things have just got worse and worse. I think she wants me to choose her boyfriend over my DD2 in all honesty and force DD2 to just suck it up. I’ve said I am not getting involved, I can’t make DD2 like him. I’ve met him once and he was ok. I don’t like the impact on DD’s behaviour but I am not sure if it’s his fault so I am staying neutral. I don’t say bad things about him but she’s angry I am not welcoming him in like a long lost son?

Hi OP, I guess this is so hard for you. On one hand she is your child and you seem to be a lovely person, on the other hand she is an adult and is abusing you.
I think for you to make a decision to evict her you will need to change your mode of operation. She is trampling all over both implied and stated boundaries. And it's clearly not making either her or you happy.
It will actually help her if you enforce your boundaries, in my opinion. She has a job so she can move out. I read on here and in real life people say its impossible for young people, rent costs blah blah. It's always the same though, I lived in a squat when I left University. There are rooms in houses she could rent, it would just be tough.
My dad offered me this advice on a regular basis. Life isn't fair get used to it!
At the moment your life is hideously unfair, maybe it is her turn to suffer some of the unfairness.