Adult child with a child who is draining me. Send help? Or even hope! Please!

[Xhausted2001]

Adult daughter lives at home and has a young child herself, she’s not with the father, but he is a part of our grandchild life.

She’s had mental health problems for over ten years that has had seismic impacts on the rest of the family including myself. Sounding selfish but I spend at least 80% of my life the past decade with her at the forefront of everything I do day to day and wondering when the next crisis is going to hit. I feel suffocated, held to ransom by her nearly all the time. Ive given so much of myself to try provide her with stability, emotional support, anxiety support, you name it, I feel like I’ve stopped living ten times over to be a better parent for her.

i have two other children that live at home. her and the next eldest have the same dad who I divorced years ago (several reasons but one being he doesn’t and did not ever parent). I’ve since remarried and my husband is amazing and tolerant and patient. My other two are one adult and youngest is a pre teen. They are becoming more stressed with the eldest ones attitude and lack of priorities or respect.

i am at my wits end.

money - she pays no rent, no housekeeping. We pay for most of her belongings, subscriptions (Spotify, her phone, Netflix etc and so on), her car (all servicing and insurance as well as usual MOT , tax etc). We pay for her child who we adore, life is wonderful with her. We pay for her classes and clothes and nappies and whatever is needed for her apart from nursery costs.

work - she’s a clever girl, albeit probably on the spectrum she has a good level of academic ability but never wants to do anything with her qualifications and refused going to uni or apprenticeship or anything that involves her activlely putting an effort in. I gave up my own career to ‘care’ for her some years back (she was under section for some time and i literally could not cope with a toddler, a teenager at home and this one in a mental health unit needing physical care) and have since set up a company to provide her with some level of work. Hoping she would take the lead and continue input to the business but there is none. She literally does bare minimum and meanwhile I’m trapped.l doing work I’m not so keen on and exhausted trying to make it a success for her benefit rather than my own.

parenting - she is a wonderful mum, despite her many challenges. But she relies on my husband and I, my parents, her siblings to help out. Day in and day out. We all chip in but it’s gotten to the point where I take on the parenting for my grandchild every single morning and some full days. My husband then does all the evening and getting to bed shifts. We are both utterly utterly utterly exhausted. And I feel like I’m being used. Because she is being a bit lazy? A bit because we just get on with it? A bit because she doesn’t know what to do? Am I making it too easy I don’t know

lifestyle - she has a boyfriend who I’m not the most happy about. He seemed nice and understanding. But he’s cheated on her and he does seem to manipulate her into prioritising him and his needs rather than hers or her child’s. But the big issue is she is a disaster with spending too much money, buying and hoarding and general tidiness at home. I’m trying so hard not to criticise and not understand her mental health situation but I’m talking utter disgusting, no laundry, bags and bags and bags of stuff, make up, clothes, books you name it. Just utter crap. Her room and her daughter’s rooms are horrendous. She has a fairly sizeable double room and has more fitted wardrobe space than the rest of us at home put together. I have spent hours and hours and hours of my life tidying and cleaning it all for her. Then within a week it’s destroyed again.

i sound so pathetic, but it’s really impacting my own mental health. I’m so fed up with it. I don’t know how to talk to her, how to deal with it. It affects everyone in the home. It’s utterly soul destroying. I cannot see how it will ever get better or stop being a problem.

am I the asshole?

any tips or ideas of how we can move on from this cycle of despair? What can I do to improve the quality of life for all of us?

we Have huge arguments between us pretty regularly. She always gives the same excuses and I always end up doing it for her and literally taking me at least an entire day if not two to clean her room for her. It’s not even clean, I’m talking tidying stuff up, putting clothes on hangars and away etc. lids on skincare pots, taking out plates and bowls and glasses to the dishwasher. Clearing actual rubbish and putting it in the bin.

what do I do?

I am embarrassed. I am ashamed. I feel angry and frustrated and just sad.

What do I do now?

Is she capable of getting a job? Could she clean, work in a supermarket, waitress or tend a bar?
Is she having therapy and is she on medication?
Does she have a support worker or any other form of support?
Can she cook for herself and the baby?

It all sounds so awful and draining. You say she is a good mother, is she? Is she a good role model?

Thank you!

she should be capable of getting a job but literally has zero motivation, or has excuses why jobs won’t work for her or she won’t apply in case she doesn’t like it. Or that she is waiting for her child to be of school age.

She has eating/food issues but she does cook for herself and her child.

she has no support workers or therapy at the moment. She has seen therapist in the past, however it’s usually other issues like friendship or boyfriend stuff that she’s seen therapy for. Plus it’s crazy expensive in our area and she has failed to answer phone calls for NHS therapy. She’s well over 18, so I can’t ’do it for her’ all the time. Less a horse to water cliche.

she’s not on medication. She has in the past but only if I’m liquid form. She has a series of mental health issues and a severe phobia that results in her not eating very much and being very untrusting of medication. She will only take call for pain relief for example. No matter what I have done or tried. She refuses everything. Even when in alarming pain. It’s awful.

my relationship with her feels so strained and I hate myself for even acknowledging it. I love her so dearly. But I can’t carry on like this. I’m so lost.

Autism has been discussed but she had less help with CAMHS after they and urgent help services started assessing her. As she was ‘better’ (ie. Going to school for short periods, about to become eligible for transfer into adult services, plus being able to get dressed herself and so on) she was dropped like a ton of bricks. We’ve been left ever since to just get on with it all.

Suspecting SPD? Or rather demand avoidance is a major factor. As she’s gotten older and with more responsibilities, it’s become harder and harder to know how to support her myself or how to deal with the day to day fall out from her behaviours. We missed the boat so many times in the past with mental health services. It took me screaming at a few receptionist to even get her seen by a mental health worker after eight weeks of her being utterly broken down and not eating or drinking or able to even move. She was 12 at the time. Multiple a and e visits, talking to school teachers, asking for help. We barely got anywhere. By the time she saw a ‘professional’ at that stage she weighed about 4 atone and was put into a refeeding programme and barely able to keep her out of being institutionalised. I was working full time with a one year and an 11 year old at the time.

@Xhausted2001

The way I would approach it is to gradually implement changes with the aim of her moving out.

I would teach her how to cook simple meals for her and the baby.

Teach her how to shop online.

See if there is any support available, there may be charities that offer one to one support.

Teach her how to budget; I assume she gets benefits.

Show her how to look after the baby.

Once you've taught her the skill, then stop doing it for her. Encourage independence. She may have tantrums but she'll just have to deal with it.

I would then help her to find somewhere to live.

I think you need to think about the long term. Is she actually capable of living independently and looking after her child? or are you the main parent of the grand child? If she is capable I think you need to focus on getting her independent . If she isn’t capable do you need formal guardianship to protect your grandchild?

You say she’s a great mum but she isnt providing a safe environment if she cant do the basics in terns of tidying/cleaning. How can she be responsible for a child if she cant throw away rubbish?

As pps have said, can you support her to move out, ideally somewhere near you so you can see her and help her out.

If you think that she's not able to look after her child on her own place, even with your help, I think you need to seriously consider a guardianship arrangement for your grandchild. If this is necessary, could your daughter move out and visit her child regularly? It does sound as if you and your partner are doing the bulk of the parenting already.

Has your daughter been assessed for a ASD/adhd etc? The traits are there for sure. It might be good idea for her to try and get appointment to someone who specialises in diagnosing ASD to see if its any of those. X

I'm absolutely baffled by you saying she's a good parent. She's not a good parent. Very sad that she thought she was in a position to bring up a baby.
I think you need to stop enabling her by paying for everything.
If she is literally incapable of working and you are her carer, can you get a carers allowance?

I'd start with the child's routine.
So when the baby wakes she wakes. She makes breakfast she gets her ready she dies it all with supervision, same with bedtime.

She can't go out with her boyfriend she has a child. You'll babysit one evening a month.

She's got money to spend so she's got money for bills. She needs to pay you X amount a month.

Oof that sounds tough. I have a dd with asd who I think might face some similar challenges, and other things you say about your dd sound like my mil, who almost certainly has (undiagnosed due to age) asd. The Christine McGuiness Programme on the BBC about women with asd is a brilliant watch if you haven't already seen it, and it touches on how women with autism and eating disorders should be treated differently (something that would undoubtedly have helped my mil had it been recognised). Would it help your daughter to look into a diagnosis to fully understand what is actually happening with her?
From what you have said, it sounds unlikely that she is going to live independently - It seems like you are in loco parentis for DGD and she is not actually a brilliant mother even if she does love her dd.

You sound like an amazing mum who has done everything that you can to support, but unfortunately I think you are going to have to take baby steps with any changes. I think I would pick an area to work on, so encourage her to do either mornings or bed times with her daughter, I would not be paying for everything - I would try to get her to pay for at least her phone as a starting point. If she can't work could she build up to work from volunteering? I don't know the answer to how you get a break yourself though (more nursery? cleaner?), you must be exhausted.

My sil is like this she's 28 years old lazy won't get a job and parent her kid. She's stopped paying her rent and moved back in with my poor inlaws. She's had her car seized. My poor mil pays for everything for the child it's disgusting shss running her into the ground and she doesnt get a break she does it for the child. Tbh I think social services need to step in. Your making too many excuses for shit behaviour. Good mothers don't behave like that.

Also if she doesn't have a job she doesn't need the car so that can go.

Is she on foolproof birth control? I would start there. Then I would clean both rooms and get rid of it all except clothes few personal items and dgc toys. Can you limit her shopping by limiting her funds? Redirect that money towards rent savings for the future?And why oh why does she have a boyfriend who needs prioritization? She can’t cook clean take medicine work parent or even eat and yet she has a bf? What do they do together? What do they talk about?

What are you going to do when she has the next child?
You May be being a great support to this child but what about your pre teen?

Stop funding her car and other luxuries. She needs an incentive to earn money.

She needs to parent or you call in social services.

It doesn't sound like there's any incentive for her to get appropriate treatment & medication, get a job, a home or look after her child.... because you are doing everything for her.

So you might need to start putting limits on tings eg not paying for the car (why does she need one if she doesn't work?) only babysitting on evenings prob a day she's working etc.

How old is your grandchild? I think a priority needs to be getting your daughter to do more day to day care for her child. At the moment, it sounds like you are propping her up and that is masking some of the real difficulties she has. Surely the long term aim should be her moving out with the child? Currently she is upsetting and exhausting the rest of the family, so things can't carry on like this.

This sounds so hard :( pretty sure this goes way beyond average lazy child. Like others I think she needs a proper neurodevelopmental assessment. Not least because she has a child and autism is highly heritable.

It does sound like you’re doing so much for her that she has no incentive to change. I do understand that, you know her and what she can do.

But just for comparison my friend has a 35 yo son with autism and moderate learning disability. went to a special school. He lives in a flat share with some carers coming in so it can definitely be done. He couldn’t care for a child or work, but he can do everything else including keeping his own space tidy, simple cooking, keeping appointments, laundry, etc.

She doesn’t sound like she’d be able to safely parent her child if they both moved out. Do you think she could properly look after her child on her own? If not, could you apply for guardianship of your grandchild to keep her safe?

it sounds like an incredibly difficult position to be in with no easy answers. I’m not sure your daughter will change if you keep doing everything for her, however I appreciate you’re trying to help your grandchild too.

I agree you need to stop paying for her she has absolutley no incentive to change.

You also need to stop facilitating her ignoring her parenting responsibilities. She needs to start actively parenting herself instead of leaving it up to you, which includes getting up with her daughter and putting her to bed. Her daughter isn't a toy she can just dip in and out of parenting properly.

You also need to tell her a timeframe to move out.

Your approach so far is not working, I think it's time you set some boundaries so she also is made to stand on her own two feet. I know someone like your daughter, fortunately she doesn't have children but she keeps accumulating pets that she doesn't bother with and leaves for her parent to deal with. She's pushing 40 now and stil hasn't flown the nest, if you don't stop facilitating her she will be stuck dependent on you forever, perhaps with a few more babies since its no skin off her nose.

I also agree with others that she doesn't sound like a great mother she sounds like a neglectful mother who's priorities seem to be herself and her boyfriend before her DD. And if this is the case perhaps you do need to apply for guardianship of your DGD.

Sending strength OP. I know this must be a very difficult situation and you sound like a fab mum and grandparent. Xx

I think that the best thing you could do for her (and your grandchild and the rest of your family) is to move her out. Let her sink or swim. She sounds like a toddler.

I have no patience with these kind of people.

I understand that your daughter has challenges, but you have completely and utterly enabled her to be accountable for absolutely nothing. It's not done her any favours at all.

Your approach with her and what you are willing to do for her has to be reworked from the ground up. The current situation is completely untenable, and I dread to think what would happen if she gets pregnant again.

We all chip in but it’s gotten to the point where I take on the parenting for my grandchild every single morning and some full days. My husband then does all the evening and getting to bed shifts.

Op, why on earth are you doing this? Your daughter is the mother and she doesn't even work. Her caring for her child throughout the day and putting them to bed should be a non-negotiable. Of course you can help out occasionally, but at least 95% of it should be squarely on her.