Adult child with a child who is draining me. Send help? Or even hope! Please!

[Xhausted2001]

Adult daughter lives at home and has a young child herself, she’s not with the father, but he is a part of our grandchild life.

She’s had mental health problems for over ten years that has had seismic impacts on the rest of the family including myself. Sounding selfish but I spend at least 80% of my life the past decade with her at the forefront of everything I do day to day and wondering when the next crisis is going to hit. I feel suffocated, held to ransom by her nearly all the time. Ive given so much of myself to try provide her with stability, emotional support, anxiety support, you name it, I feel like I’ve stopped living ten times over to be a better parent for her.

i have two other children that live at home. her and the next eldest have the same dad who I divorced years ago (several reasons but one being he doesn’t and did not ever parent). I’ve since remarried and my husband is amazing and tolerant and patient. My other two are one adult and youngest is a pre teen. They are becoming more stressed with the eldest ones attitude and lack of priorities or respect.

i am at my wits end.

money - she pays no rent, no housekeeping. We pay for most of her belongings, subscriptions (Spotify, her phone, Netflix etc and so on), her car (all servicing and insurance as well as usual MOT , tax etc). We pay for her child who we adore, life is wonderful with her. We pay for her classes and clothes and nappies and whatever is needed for her apart from nursery costs.

work - she’s a clever girl, albeit probably on the spectrum she has a good level of academic ability but never wants to do anything with her qualifications and refused going to uni or apprenticeship or anything that involves her activlely putting an effort in. I gave up my own career to ‘care’ for her some years back (she was under section for some time and i literally could not cope with a toddler, a teenager at home and this one in a mental health unit needing physical care) and have since set up a company to provide her with some level of work. Hoping she would take the lead and continue input to the business but there is none. She literally does bare minimum and meanwhile I’m trapped.l doing work I’m not so keen on and exhausted trying to make it a success for her benefit rather than my own.

parenting - she is a wonderful mum, despite her many challenges. But she relies on my husband and I, my parents, her siblings to help out. Day in and day out. We all chip in but it’s gotten to the point where I take on the parenting for my grandchild every single morning and some full days. My husband then does all the evening and getting to bed shifts. We are both utterly utterly utterly exhausted. And I feel like I’m being used. Because she is being a bit lazy? A bit because we just get on with it? A bit because she doesn’t know what to do? Am I making it too easy I don’t know

lifestyle - she has a boyfriend who I’m not the most happy about. He seemed nice and understanding. But he’s cheated on her and he does seem to manipulate her into prioritising him and his needs rather than hers or her child’s. But the big issue is she is a disaster with spending too much money, buying and hoarding and general tidiness at home. I’m trying so hard not to criticise and not understand her mental health situation but I’m talking utter disgusting, no laundry, bags and bags and bags of stuff, make up, clothes, books you name it. Just utter crap. Her room and her daughter’s rooms are horrendous. She has a fairly sizeable double room and has more fitted wardrobe space than the rest of us at home put together. I have spent hours and hours and hours of my life tidying and cleaning it all for her. Then within a week it’s destroyed again.

i sound so pathetic, but it’s really impacting my own mental health. I’m so fed up with it. I don’t know how to talk to her, how to deal with it. It affects everyone in the home. It’s utterly soul destroying. I cannot see how it will ever get better or stop being a problem.

am I the asshole?

any tips or ideas of how we can move on from this cycle of despair? What can I do to improve the quality of life for all of us?

we Have huge arguments between us pretty regularly. She always gives the same excuses and I always end up doing it for her and literally taking me at least an entire day if not two to clean her room for her. It’s not even clean, I’m talking tidying stuff up, putting clothes on hangars and away etc. lids on skincare pots, taking out plates and bowls and glasses to the dishwasher. Clearing actual rubbish and putting it in the bin.

what do I do?

I am embarrassed. I am ashamed. I feel angry and frustrated and just sad.

What do I do now?

Mental health isn't a get out clause for everything. Why are you enabling her to be useless?

She had a child, she needs to grow up and take responsibility. You need to stop paying for everything and letting her be a shit parent.

She can drive she's not incapacitated by her mental health.

Do social services know about her? There are mother and baby units in many LAs that will take in such mum's and babies, educating the mum's on how to parent. And she wouldn't be allowed to have her and the baby's room be a shit tip.

No-one is going to prioritise her while she has wealthy parents who are looking after them both. They just won't. I don't know how you get out if this, but it can't go on.

Her caring for her child throughout the day and putting them to bed should be a non-negotiable. Of course you can help out occasionally, but at least 95% of it should be squarely on her.

That

Has she been diagnosed? Sounds like inattentive adhd with adhd hoarding.

To be honest she sounds like she’s stumbling around in some sort of post traumatic state. I understand that you are frustrated but she genuinely might not be able to function at a higher level and this could be the case for some time. I would be looking at alternative therapies like neurofeedback or CBT just to get a sense of what she might respond to. I’m sorry you are in this situation.

Some mh problems do mean that people are unable to effectively take part in adult life.

You mention an eating disorder, and also that she was sectioned. What was she sectioned for?

If she was sectioned then it is likely that either her life or others was in danger, which suggests fairly serious mh issues.

Standard parenting and standard methods (eg kick her out) are not necessarily going to work on someone with severe mh issues and you may need to get specialist advice,

Is there a charity or association that works with both people and carers if her condition? If so you may get helpful advice there.

Step up and get her sorted. She needs to understand that she is not living with you in 6 months.
Stop paying her bills. Sell the car. Stop parenting her kid.

She needs to find a job. Yes, it's no fun but doable and if she can't handle her child it's now you need to find a solution. It won't get any easier in time.

Ask her to move on ans work with you. If she can't or won't ask Social Service to take over.

You are literally one stroke of bad luck away from all this collapsing around you.

What about your own career and pension?

You speak highly of your husband, but what if his own patience gets exhausted? Did he intend to spend his fifties parenting a toddler who isn’t even his own grandchild? What if he loses his job? Or wants to split up?

What about your younger child? Are they getting the support and attention that they need? What about their own schooling and plans for the future? How on earth are you going to instil a work ethic in them if they see their older sister lounging around the house all day and you doing it all for her?

I could go on, but I suggest the following steps:

You keep paying for the car but you stop all the leisure-related subscriptions such as Spotify and Netflix. At first this can be because of ‘banking issues’ but you just don’t start them up again.

You find out about your grandchild’s eligibility for free early education and childcare. I think the earlier she gets some external input the better.

Your daughter needs to begin regular volunteering or college. This is why you keep the car. She needs to enroll on a course in the next couple of weeks. It is coming up to September, so the perfect time of year.

You have a serious discussion with your daughter in which you say that her remaining at home is contingent on her working towards becoming financially self-sustaining and you expect her to have made at least some progress towards a new lifestyle by the end of 2024.

If all else fails you start to talk about moving house and downsizing to a smaller two-bed property.

i’ve been helping my teen daughter with ND and chronic mental health issues for five years. I recognise the lack of motivation to function and poor exec function skills.

I think a lot of people have good intentions but some of the advice you are getting is how to deal with someone who does not have these problems.

I think you need professional help - maybe ring the council to see if there is a mum and baby unit support etc.

I also think she has a lot of inattentive adhd traits and maybe the adhd pills could help her.

Agree that the advice I tricky and unhelpful without an understanding of the mental health challenges.

OP you have my utmost sympathy. Rock and a hard place situation. You know what's wrong. You know what should fix it but in this case it doesn't. Withdrawing all your support would impact your grandchild and I have no idea what to suggest but I would start with children's services (charity and public sector) and get professional help.

I suspect the outcome will be really hard and involve hard choices for you. You do have my understanding and sympathy.

No one tells you how hard parenting can be when they're adults

I have a daughter with similar issues (hoarding) who is autistic. Actually I have three autistic daughters and I can already see the difficulties living independantly will bring.

i think getting a diagnosis is essential so she can come to understand herself. I am not sure what to do about the hoarding. I realise my Mum was like this also. Things of little value seem so very important to her. This same DD is also very demand avoidant. I think also a diagnosis is essential to support your grandchild given how hereditary autism is. You could use this as an explaination for your child to consider a diagnosis.

There’s a lot to break down here, you must be completely done in and one thing you must acknowledge is that this can not continue. What age are your parents? it sounds like they are also involved heavily in things and speaking from experience it’s probably not too many years away from you being the sandwich generation and having to provide care for them whilst still raising your own kids.

I also think you need to switch your focus to your preteen. She has witnessed every thing that you have gone through with your eldest for her entire life, has she ever felt prioritised?

You need to have some very difficult conversations with your eldest starting with the fact that the current situation is unsustainable for much longer. You should probably involve social services with this. She needs to move out, I know this is harsh but what you are doing for her isn’t working for her and is having a detrimental effect on the rest of the family.

You started a business for her, doing something that does not interest you. She is not engaging in it. She gets an ultimatum that she has one month to really step up and make an impact or you close it down, get yourself a part time (or full time) job that you will enjoy and gives you a pension, in the meantime stop paying for her subscriptions. You would also massively benefit from a job outside the family as it will give you your own outlet.

Unpicking everything you need to do to turn this around is going to be too overwhelming. Start by making a list and tackle one thing at a time. I’d put DC3 at the top of the list and spend some serious time with them.

I think there is ASD involved here for sure. She is very similar to one of my friends daughters who has ADHD and autism. I think you are enabling her a bit too much though. She has luxuries that no unemployed young person could afford. She doesn't need a car, a Netflix account or Spotify (there is a free version). If she wants those things she will need to work for it and pay for it. She seems to have a lot of disposable money the way she is shopping too, is that coming from you too?

Some good points here too.

As @cupcaske123 said start implementing small changes as much for your own well being as hers.

The first thing that sprang to mind is helping you clean her room. She might not have the wherewithal to tackle it alone but she can hold the rubbish bags open then put them in the dust bin. Break it down into tasks into tasks she will be comfortable with and gradually increase her input.

I’ve a feeling you will have already tried that and been met with all sorts of resistance. When that happens calmly ask her to explain why she shouldn’t do x or y in her own room. Be patient and persist until she sees there isn’t a good reason.

Her mental health issues don’t prevent her from being a good mum in many ways and don’t prevent her from having a boyfriend so it’s unlikely that getting into good housekeeping habits is beyond her or will put her health at risk.

I just couldn't bear an adult child and baby living in the family home. This would seldom work for most people in the long term. Yes for a short period in an emergency. She needs to move out. I agree she has been enabled by you for years. It would be impossible to undo this. You need your life back. This means she moves out.

She's not a great mum , she's not parenting at all. You need a rethink and probably to be tougher. No netflix, Spotify etc. No money unless she has a job. Look after the grandchild directly

am I the asshole?

Tbh, yes. Now, hear me out because I'm trying to help but the two things that stand out in your post are that your daughter is probably autistic and has mental health problems. You cannot expect her to behave like a NT person. It is not her fault that she has challenges that make it hard for her to fit into a world designed for NT people.

15 years ago, I was in a similar position to her. I had an admission to a psych ward for a while, too.

In my case, I've had no mental health blips since I got my autism diagnosis and take sertraline every day. So I understand myself better and can avoid things that will make me worse. My mum has got serious MH issues, herself and she was very unkind to me and I'll never forget some of the bullying but things are better now.

Only 15% of autistic people are employed. Often, they burn out easily in FT jobs. I was forced to go to university and it did more damage to my mental health. My mum does now say that if she knew I was autistic, she wouldn't have forced me to go.

Another thing to bear in mind is that autistic /ND people usually have one parent the same and if that's you, no wonder you're getting burned out.

I think if you feel she's autistic then you need to try & get her onto a diagnosis route because it is impacting her life (and yours) and it will probably help her figure out how to get well and what things make her unwell.

What do you want?

You have told us the problems, but not what you'd like to happen.

Do you want her to move out? Do you want her to continue to live with you, but to be more responsible? If so, what does that look like?

I'm shocked that you are paying for her car and subscriptions. I can sort of understand essentials for the baby, but luxuries? Come on.

There comes a point where your help is actually enabling her to live in the exact way you hate.

It all sounds out of control and no one sounds happy.

I think it's time to evaluate how much you're prepared to give. Financially, emotionally and in terms of your time.

It sounds like she would benefit from a proper diagnosis. Look up PDA autism as it could be that if she is unable to cope with every day demands.

Is your daughter known to social services? I think it's worth getting them involved as this problem clearly isn't going to go away any time soon and you need to prioritise your grandchild. You are clearly the main carer not your daughter so it would be best to get this made official. She may be entitled to nursery hours and additional support.

You could look at getting her into separate accommodation with some support from carers. It won't happen overnight so worth getting the process started asap. It is likely from what you have described that the grandchild will need to stay with you if she moves out. This will make things much easier for your other children as they are being affected by her behaviour.

Yes, I agree that PDA makes autism even more complex. It's a nervous system disability and when the person has what they perceive as a demand put on them, they feel under actual threat.

Just came on to agree with autism and some level of demand avoidance. She may never be able to work and need carers to function. It’s quite challenging to understand that someone may have the skills and capacities in one situation but change the situation slightly and these are no longer accessible to them.

You’ve scaffolded her admirably but it’s important to get MH support for yourself, perhaps this has slipped into enabling and codependency. You must have a lot of trauma from her eating disorder and fearing her death even, which has impacted your nervous system and may be driving your behaviours around keeping control, to prevent harm. At the same time it sounds like you’re now acting to prevent your GC harm. The first thing I’d do in your situation is seek a diagnosis for your daughter and therapy for yourself, plus choosing one small thing to work on in the home.

What a tough situation. First I agree with others, you are projecting your excellent parenting onto your DD. She isn’t doing a good job of parenting, you all are. I think you need to have a proper conversation with her that this situation will not last for ever. Put a timeline on it for her. Start empowering her to make a plan.

The tragedy is that she has brought a child into this who will undoubtedly suffer and I expect be used for leverage by her but you are not in control of that. You can only do what you are in control of. Just keep stepping back support for your DD herself and hope she does not have another child and hope she steps up with this child.

That sounds so so tough OP.
There's definitely a certain element of her being capable to do more but she has become too reliant on you and you serve that reliance so she's not been pushed enough to do more things herself and she won't take the initiative to do it because it's easier this way when you do it all for her.
Get rid of the guilt first OP,it's dragging you and her down and doing you both no favors. By pushing her to be more independent she won't relapse overnight but she will learn to be more stable and it will benefit her long term when one day she will find herself without you. If you die tommorrow what state would she be left in. Think of it as bootcamp training to future proof her without you and dh to rely on.

I think a big part of this is her living with you. She needs to rent a small studio ,even if you went over to help she'd have the responsibility of having a routine in place for her and her dd. U would then find it easier to wean her off your help slowly and gradually. But if your all still living together that will be nigh on impossible because she has no push to accept the responsibility knowing full well you'll do it as its affecting all of you in the house.

Also OP this isn't fair on your other kids. She'd literally taken everything from you and left them with what, a mum whose not available for them or their needs emotionally, physically or verbally as your exhausted dealing with her needs all the time. The resentment they must feel towards you underneath will be awful and have long term consequences for your relationship with the others.