Adult daughter lives at home and has a young child herself, she’s not with the father, but he is a part of our grandchild life.
She’s had mental health problems for over ten years that has had seismic impacts on the rest of the family including myself. Sounding selfish but I spend at least 80% of my life the past decade with her at the forefront of everything I do day to day and wondering when the next crisis is going to hit. I feel suffocated, held to ransom by her nearly all the time. Ive given so much of myself to try provide her with stability, emotional support, anxiety support, you name it, I feel like I’ve stopped living ten times over to be a better parent for her.
i have two other children that live at home. her and the next eldest have the same dad who I divorced years ago (several reasons but one being he doesn’t and did not ever parent). I’ve since remarried and my husband is amazing and tolerant and patient. My other two are one adult and youngest is a pre teen. They are becoming more stressed with the eldest ones attitude and lack of priorities or respect.
i am at my wits end.
money - she pays no rent, no housekeeping. We pay for most of her belongings, subscriptions (Spotify, her phone, Netflix etc and so on), her car (all servicing and insurance as well as usual MOT , tax etc). We pay for her child who we adore, life is wonderful with her. We pay for her classes and clothes and nappies and whatever is needed for her apart from nursery costs.
work - she’s a clever girl, albeit probably on the spectrum she has a good level of academic ability but never wants to do anything with her qualifications and refused going to uni or apprenticeship or anything that involves her activlely putting an effort in. I gave up my own career to ‘care’ for her some years back (she was under section for some time and i literally could not cope with a toddler, a teenager at home and this one in a mental health unit needing physical care) and have since set up a company to provide her with some level of work. Hoping she would take the lead and continue input to the business but there is none. She literally does bare minimum and meanwhile I’m trapped.l doing work I’m not so keen on and exhausted trying to make it a success for her benefit rather than my own.
parenting - she is a wonderful mum, despite her many challenges. But she relies on my husband and I, my parents, her siblings to help out. Day in and day out. We all chip in but it’s gotten to the point where I take on the parenting for my grandchild every single morning and some full days. My husband then does all the evening and getting to bed shifts. We are both utterly utterly utterly exhausted. And I feel like I’m being used. Because she is being a bit lazy? A bit because we just get on with it? A bit because she doesn’t know what to do? Am I making it too easy I don’t know
lifestyle - she has a boyfriend who I’m not the most happy about. He seemed nice and understanding. But he’s cheated on her and he does seem to manipulate her into prioritising him and his needs rather than hers or her child’s. But the big issue is she is a disaster with spending too much money, buying and hoarding and general tidiness at home. I’m trying so hard not to criticise and not understand her mental health situation but I’m talking utter disgusting, no laundry, bags and bags and bags of stuff, make up, clothes, books you name it. Just utter crap. Her room and her daughter’s rooms are horrendous. She has a fairly sizeable double room and has more fitted wardrobe space than the rest of us at home put together. I have spent hours and hours and hours of my life tidying and cleaning it all for her. Then within a week it’s destroyed again.
i sound so pathetic, but it’s really impacting my own mental health. I’m so fed up with it. I don’t know how to talk to her, how to deal with it. It affects everyone in the home. It’s utterly soul destroying. I cannot see how it will ever get better or stop being a problem.
am I the asshole?
any tips or ideas of how we can move on from this cycle of despair? What can I do to improve the quality of life for all of us?
we Have huge arguments between us pretty regularly. She always gives the same excuses and I always end up doing it for her and literally taking me at least an entire day if not two to clean her room for her. It’s not even clean, I’m talking tidying stuff up, putting clothes on hangars and away etc. lids on skincare pots, taking out plates and bowls and glasses to the dishwasher. Clearing actual rubbish and putting it in the bin.
what do I do?
I am embarrassed. I am ashamed. I feel angry and frustrated and just sad.
What do I do now?