DC in 20s and a husband that dozes

[Georgeismydog]

Have posted before about my ongoing problem and taken on board advice. But here I am again.... Our DC are early 20s and still live at home, work full time, out with friends or holed up in bedroom watching TV. I am 53 and DH is 55.

I wfh full time, DH leaves for work at 6am and out of the house until 6pm. When he comes home, all he wants to do is either sit and watch TV or doze off on the sofa. He After being in the house all day I need to get out

Weekends are spent with us food shopping together in the morning and after lunch he sits down and dozes off all afternoon. I have spoken to him about it and he changes for about a week and reverts back. I was worried about any health issues but he went to the Dr's for a blood test and all OK

Following advice from here, I've started to carve a life out a life for myself and do my own thing. I'm out most weekday evenings, nothing fancy, mostly fitness classes. I leave him at home, used to feel guilty about that but I don't anymore. I've suggested a few things we could do together but no interest

Weekends are still tricky, I've started to plan my day around his afternoon doze (I'm talking 3 hrs) so I make sure I use that time to do things that he wouldn't want to do anyway, like go for a swim, gardening

I feel incredibly lonely when he is dozing. Any advice please

Order your groceries online and do something else together on Saturday morning?

I’m not sure one blood test will rule out every ailment that could be causing his daytime sleepiness. If it’s bothering him, he should go back to the doctor.

If he’s leaving the house at 6am and not getting back till 6pm no wonder he’s absolutely shattered…! Is there any way he can reduce his hours or work from home at all? Easier said than done I know.

OMGsamesame good idea but DH is also stubborn and we have to shop in person at the shop of his choosing.

Pigeonqueen he has one day off in the week that started when DC were small. I have suggested he goes back to normal hours now they are older but no. Guess how he spends his day off, jobs in the morning, nap in the afternoon.

WolfFoxHare it isn't bothering him, it bothers me because a) I'm worried about his health and b) I'm lonely

Just to add don't think it is work related, we are on holiday at the moment and he has dozed off. Good job I planned for this and brought some books.

Could he be depressed? No energy for non routine things?

Onelifeonly maybe but he won't do anything about it if he is

I think you need to continue seeking friendships and interests outside your home. Your husband is a man in his mid fifties who is out working 12 hours a day. He is tired. You are working from home, much shorter hours, and you have lots of energy, and you need to find an outlet for that energy.

It doesn't sound as if he is distant or cold or unfriendly towards you - he is just tired. If you find a job which takes you out 12 hours a day, meeting lots of people and getting social contact, you will be tired too and you can doze on the sofa together.

If you are lonely and bored at wekends then you need to make social plans then as well as during the week. Take up a new hobby or sport, volunteer etc

You’ve already said it yourself - he’s not going to change and this will only get worse not better.

It doesn’t matter what’s causing it, it’s obviously not bothering him and he won’t seek advice or compromise . So sadly your options are to put up with it or leave.

Sorry to be so blunt but that’s your choices . You are not alone and thats one reason why so many women in their 50s and 60s have great social lives, go travelling etc.

He should be investigated for sleep apnea.

I would join some clubs, societies, book club, battle reenactment, art classes, foreign language, film club etc Try meetup.com for activities in your local area.

I'm in my 50s and have similar hours to your husband and I sleep every afternoon on the weekend. Luckily for me, Dp likes a nap too.

Tbh I find even reading your posts exhausting. Sounds like you do a lot but it might be because you're at home all week. Being out of the house all week makes me loath to leave it on the weekend!

I also think once you're in the habit of napping in the afternoon, it's quite a hard habit to stop. So he might need to go to bed earlier if you wanted him to stop!

I agree with getting him to be checked for sleep apnea

Do your kids ever want to do anything on an eve ? Cinema / watch a film . I'm not saying rely on them - I'm in same boat - my DD is usually working or going out but once in a blue moon we will do something or eat together and that breaks things up as we are living in same house . Also I was thinking have you thought about a choir / theatre group or something you could get involved with at a weekend where you would be needed regularly even if backstage if you don't want to be upfront . Just thinking it might take up your weekends .

Mine was like that and stopped working on Fridays. Made a huge difference to our lives at the weekend. They are getting on a bit to do those hours. He might not want to hear that though…

Tbh I find even reading your posts exhausting. Sounds like you do a lot but it might be because you're at home all week. Being out of the house all week makes me loath to leave it on the weekend

This is what sticks out to me. WFH is fine for people who wish to avoid human contact, but the OP is clearly gregarious and is basically waiting at the door for her husband to come and meet all her social needs. If she were coming home from a day spent with other people, she wouldn't need nearly so much from him.

Don't your adult children spend any time with you or just enjoy the convenience of cheap/free lodgings?

Do you have to wfh or is there an option to go into the office?

I love napping, but i also love doing things. Sounds like you DH could benefit from going to the gym with you. Food shopping in person is a waste of time.

I've been wfh since the pandemic. Boss wfh so we all have to. My old office is now ICT so will never go back in the office.

Getting another job is something I've considered but we all know life isn't that simple. I have zero qualifications and have done admin roles all my life. I earn good money for admin role that I do....

He likely enjoys having a nap and it helps him. I’m not sure where the health concerns are coming from? I do understand your loneliness though. I don’t think there is a clear answer but probably compromise is the only way forward. I suspect if he did stop napping he would be unhappy as well but a sustainable compromise maybe could help.

Well, stop wasting your time food shopping together on a Saturday morning, for a start! In 30+ years of marriage, we have never gone around a supermarket together - it's such a waste of time. If you don't want to shop online, just pop out one afternoon - it's an hour a week, tops.
And get some hobbies, or volunteer. There are loads of things you could be doing - you live in a house full of adults, so they don't need eyou there to look after them. This is YOUR time - what are your interests? What would you like to do? You can easily fill a few evenings or afternoons a week.

In that case he can do the shopping on his own surely?