DC in 20s and a husband that dozes

[Georgeismydog]

Have posted before about my ongoing problem and taken on board advice. But here I am again.... Our DC are early 20s and still live at home, work full time, out with friends or holed up in bedroom watching TV. I am 53 and DH is 55.

I wfh full time, DH leaves for work at 6am and out of the house until 6pm. When he comes home, all he wants to do is either sit and watch TV or doze off on the sofa. He After being in the house all day I need to get out

Weekends are spent with us food shopping together in the morning and after lunch he sits down and dozes off all afternoon. I have spoken to him about it and he changes for about a week and reverts back. I was worried about any health issues but he went to the Dr's for a blood test and all OK

Following advice from here, I've started to carve a life out a life for myself and do my own thing. I'm out most weekday evenings, nothing fancy, mostly fitness classes. I leave him at home, used to feel guilty about that but I don't anymore. I've suggested a few things we could do together but no interest

Weekends are still tricky, I've started to plan my day around his afternoon doze (I'm talking 3 hrs) so I make sure I use that time to do things that he wouldn't want to do anyway, like go for a swim, gardening

I feel incredibly lonely when he is dozing. Any advice please

If he's leaving the house at 6am, when's he getting up? How bads the commute? What are your working hours like?
I've seen mnetters extole how when wfh they can get up at 840, kettle on and laptop on at 850, laptops off again at 1700 and on their sofa done for the day by 1702. Not surprised you have different energy levels!

If your dh leaves for work at 6 what time dies he get up at to get showered, dressed and have breakfast ?
He returns from work at 6pm.
That's a long day.
No wonder he's tired.
Has he no hobbies?
No friends he meets up with ?

Is he overweight? I’d get him checked for Type 2 diabetes. He shouldn’t need to nap this much. His life isn’t that full on.

He also doesn’t get to dictate food shopping. I imagine your food shopping is 80% the same every week anyway. Get it delivered. What’s he going to do?

He sounds very selfish.

This sounds awful to me. He's happy to doze all his free time away? This sounds completely incompatible with your lifestyle and wishes.

It doesn't matter what anyone says, if he doesn't want to change, he won't. You need to decide how you are going to respond. I would be questioning if I actually wanted to stay with someone who had so little zest for life. If you do decide to continue, I would not be waiting for him to wake up or planning things round his sleeping!! Go out, plan your own activities and don't factor everything round his naps. Let him be inconvenienced the way he is constantly inconveniencing you. He sounds wildly unappealing to me. Anyone saying let him nap would obviously be happy with this slow-paced lifestyle, but the simple fact is you aren't and things need to change.

Get a cheap blood sugar monitor off Amazon. Get him to check before and after meals, particularly before he has his nap. He might be sliding into t2 diabetes. And if he snores and is overweight, particularly around his throat, it could be sleep apnoea. He's basically not sleeping well, semi waking repeatedly through the night and not getting restful sleep.

Sorry if I missed a post about this, but it sounds like you need to have friends not look to your DH for the social side of things. It's hard when you wfh, and good that you're going out more now but classes and swimming aren't going to give you the human input you need. If you've lost touch with friends due to wfh or other reasons, is there any way to rekindle? Or to join book clubs or other groups that have a more interpersonal element? That's what's missing from your week for me and I'd feel very lonely. The naps are a separate issue, whether a medical thing or just how he is, but he's not going to liven up his day or yours so focusing on that is not going to solve your real issues here.

I have lost touch with friends, mostly because they are part of a couple where the husband wants to do things, go out etc...

I am gravitating towards divorced women or older women.

I really don't know what to do, we have 3 adult children together who all live at home but that isn't going to be forever...

No point feeling sorry for myself, keeping on

We have just come in from a day out while on holiday, I'm just sat waiting for him to nod off.. place your bets now

@Georgeismydog have you ever put it to him that this is threatening your marriage? How would he respond to that? And what, if any, hobby or interest could you see the two of you sharing?

MissyB1

I may as well talk to my dog, in one ear and out of the other

Has he said that it's work exhausting him? Does he want to continue working these hours? Is there a fair general division of tasks, as he's doing 'jobs' on his day off?

Sounds like sleep apnea.

I can see this is tricky.

He is working long hours.
Some people can do those hours and have heaps of energy left. Others can't and while it could be a medical issue it could just be that he needs more sleep.

It's even trickier if he's doing a job that involves lots of interacting with people and you are not

I used to get this as I was a teacher and I was just peopled out and exhausted when I came home but ExH would have been at home all day with no-one to talk to and would just babble at me.

There are two directions to look in - one is that he works less hours (but money implications) the other is that you get done if your socialising from not your husband.

I bet why you're lonely. I would be too.

I think maybe look at things you can do at the weekend which involve you being immersed in people.

Could you volunteer at a local sports club? Athletics, football, rugby clubs always need Marshall's, parkrun Marshall, become a judge at a swimming club and help them with meets.
Any book clubs you can join or a local WI? What about boules? Tennis?

As much as you are worried and I get that you won't change your DH.

I'm thinking if you are busy during the weekly shop he may start to be awake when your around or he can just go alone as he's so stuck in his ways about it.

link

Re naps.

we have to shop in person at the shop of his choosing.

Fuck that for a start.

I'm almost 40 and would be shattered with those hours. Everyone has different energy levels. If you can afford it I'd look for an in person job even if it's less pay. You seem like an extroverted person who needs to be around others. Plus more social clubs as you have a lot of energy. Your dh isn't able to provide all your social needs in one person.

Did you manage to do anything in the evening or did he snooze it away again?

Yep that's really damaging to a relationship when one partner refuses to acknowledge a problem.

nope, i feel so lonely - i am convinced he is autistic.

If he’s autistic then working with other people for long hours may be particularly exhausting for him.

Wise words from @Octavia64. You need to discuss this with him and consider either him cutting his hours or you building a social life with other people.

Might he have sleep apnea?

Your loveliness is a you-problem. Stop making your DH responsibility for your own wellbeing.

That said... is he going to bed late as a result of napping? (Ie, his sleep pattern messes up).

If he is, then separate his napping and your loneliness. His sleep pattern affecting family life is an issue and is selfish of him.

Loveliness ❤️
That is a you-thing. I meant loneliness