Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

DC in 20s and a husband that dozes

74 replies

Georgeismydog · 05/08/2024 18:09

Have posted before about my ongoing problem and taken on board advice. But here I am again.... Our DC are early 20s and still live at home, work full time, out with friends or holed up in bedroom watching TV. I am 53 and DH is 55.

I wfh full time, DH leaves for work at 6am and out of the house until 6pm. When he comes home, all he wants to do is either sit and watch TV or doze off on the sofa. He After being in the house all day I need to get out

Weekends are spent with us food shopping together in the morning and after lunch he sits down and dozes off all afternoon. I have spoken to him about it and he changes for about a week and reverts back. I was worried about any health issues but he went to the Dr's for a blood test and all OK

Following advice from here, I've started to carve a life out a life for myself and do my own thing. I'm out most weekday evenings, nothing fancy, mostly fitness classes. I leave him at home, used to feel guilty about that but I don't anymore. I've suggested a few things we could do together but no interest

Weekends are still tricky, I've started to plan my day around his afternoon doze (I'm talking 3 hrs) so I make sure I use that time to do things that he wouldn't want to do anyway, like go for a swim, gardening

I feel incredibly lonely when he is dozing. Any advice please

OP posts:
Original poster
Georgeismydog · 05/08/2024 19:54

Health concerns because he is exactly like his Dad when he hit midlife. His Dad became a diabetic in later life

DH is getting more and more like his Dad every day as he gets older with one noticeable exception, his dad was a Vicar and DH will not set foot in a Church due to having it "ramed down his throat" since he was a child. His Mum got round it by doing her own thing albeit Churchy things

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 05/08/2024 20:04

Georgeismydog · 05/08/2024 18:41

OMGsamesame good idea but DH is also stubborn and we have to shop in person at the shop of his choosing.

He couldn’t do much about it if you just get on and do an online shop. Why do you have to do what he decides and go to the shop of his choosing? It sounds like he’s become set in his ways at a young age.

That said, 12 hour days 5 days a week is exhausting and I’m not surprised he naps.

Can’t you invite your adult children out with you occasionally on the weekends? They’re living in your house and presumably you’re subsidising them. The least they can do in return is keep you company from time to time.

Gettingbysomehow · 05/08/2024 20:13

I hVe 90 year old friends who are more lively than this. I'm 62, work a full time hectic job and I'm doing something every evening and weekend.
Napping is a habit. A very bad one. He's not living any kind of a life and could acquire physical problems as a result.
It's all too easy to nap iwhen you get home from work. He needs to take a shower then go out for a brisk walk which wl wKe him up.
If he wants to change that is. This isn't healthy at all.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 05/08/2024 20:38

Good God, woman, let the poor man nap! This is your problem, so you need to find a solution without expecting him to change something which he doesn't want to. Find some hobbies which involve socialising and leave him to enjoy his naps.

RappersNeedChapstick · 06/08/2024 22:46

So he's outbid the house for 12 hours but that's 4 days a week?

I can't understand why you're going along with doing the shopping together either? Why does he get to choose dictate when and how the shopping is done?

If he wants it done in person, I think it's time to insist that he does it in a Wednesday morning or after work, on his way home, alone.

Then decide what you both want to do with your Saturday mornings.

I think you also need a discussion about how he sees the next 10 years. Is he going to stay on the same job? Work the same hours? Are you happy to carry on as you are?

RappersNeedChapstick · 07/08/2024 06:58

Sorry don't know where the outbid came from. Meant he's out of the house.

FrenchandSaunders · 07/08/2024 07:06

So he’s working four days a week? He’s out the house quite a long time but it’s not that unusual.

My DH is mid 50s, up at 6am five days a week, home by 5/6, sometimes later. Very physical job. If he just sits down watching tv he will sometimes drop off but he’s happy to go out to eat/cinema/friends. Goes to the gym at weekends.

I also wfh and I’d hate DH being like that OP. He’s not old!

BatshitCrazyWoman · 07/08/2024 07:13

Pigeonqueen · 05/08/2024 18:20

If he’s leaving the house at 6am and not getting back till 6pm no wonder he’s absolutely shattered…! Is there any way he can reduce his hours or work from home at all? Easier said than done I know.

I am out of the house 12-13 hours a day and am older than OP's husband (I'm 60). I certainly don't sleep in front of the TV in the evening and have a daytime sleep of 3 hours at the weekend!

Is he trying to escape spending time with you? Could he be depressed? Does he contribute to household tasks? I feel for you, OP, and I'm glad you're getting out and about

Fortyshadesofgreen345 · 07/08/2024 07:18

Sorry if this has already been discussed but what about the quality of his sleep? Does he have sleep apnoea? Is he overweight? Does he snore? If so, he could go to
gp and get referred for a sleep study and maybe get some help with breathing at night and then the quality of his sleep would be better? Another way to improve apnoea is to lose weight?

Also op, why not do an on-line supermarket order during your lunch break today? And do this once a fortnight for a start? Buy a lot of stuff that he likes. You do not need his permission.

You earn and therefore you have as much say and choice as to where and how you buy your foodstuffs as he does!

Get it delivered this Friday evening or early Sat and squirrelled away then suggest to him that you use the time you usually spend supermarket shopping to go out and about together and have a lovely time: maybe just a walk in the park and a nice coffee afterwards to start? A visit to a stately home? A drive to s beach? A bit of a hike then lunch?

Alainlechat · 07/08/2024 07:31

I am 54, work 5 days a week and at least 3 days have a 3 hour commute and am out the house for longer hours.

I don't nap in the evenings, weekends or when I am on holiday.

I would find it frustrating too especially at weekends and on holiday.

If he won't do anything about it I would continue to carve out activities for yourself and sod spending all Saturday morning doing the shopping.

Thegreatgiginthesky · 07/08/2024 07:32

Sounds like my DH. He is overweight and being investigated for sleep apnoa, his Dad is also diabetic and I worry that he is on the same path. I think he is probably insulin resistant and always falls asleep after high carbs meals, presumably linked to sugar crashes.

I worry about his health but if I push him to try to change he becomes even more resistant. Sadly I don't think he will do anything until he has a health scare. Sorry I don't know what the answer is, you can't force people to change, just I think you just have to carve out a life for yourself.

RappersNeedChapstick · 07/08/2024 07:34

Sadly I don't think he will do anything until he has a health scare.

Or he could be like my DH and still not do anything. I think the fact that he'll die early is now a given.

WonderingWanda · 07/08/2024 07:38

He sounds incredibly boring op and doesn't seem to want to spend any time with you. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? My df is older and works long hours in a physical job but my parents go out midweek to the theatre, cinema, out for dinner, social events. They do days out on weekends and holidays. Your dh sounds old before his time and will likely spend his retirement sat in a chair snoozing. Get out while your young enough to enjoy life.

user1492757084 · 07/08/2024 07:42

Have husband checked out for Sleep Apnea.

Insist on one afternoon out with him per week.

Ideas ..
A walk around the streets.
Lunch out.
A walk to the park.
Take up Bowls orGolf together.
Change the shop routine to include an hour of pleasure before the shop.
Husband cooks twice per week.
Play game - like Chess, cards etc.
Instigate earlier bed times.

Aishah231 · 07/08/2024 07:47

Insist he either gives up his Sat afternoon nap or you order food online. He can't dictate everything if he wants a happy wife. Point out again how unhappy you are and how little it's asking of him - let you shop online and do something with his wife Sat morning. If he refuses he's a selfish arsehole and maybe it's time to start making plans to leave.

TheMarzipanDildo · 07/08/2024 07:52

I’d be sleeping on Saturday with his schedule too tbh. I think start a hobby.

TheMarzipanDildo · 07/08/2024 07:53

Oh maybe not actually if he only works 4 days…

MissyB1 · 07/08/2024 07:53

OP I get it. And why is everyone on here acting like you are married to an elderly man?! He's mid 50s not 80s! My dh is 57 works at least 12 hours a day in the NHS, I can still get him out with me on weekends. We go walking in the cotswold hills most Saturdays and often Sunday morning too. He also takes our 15 year old to football training and watches all his matches. Yeah he likes a nap if he can fit it in, but he wouldn't prioritise that over family activities. OP your dh is not putting effort into your relationship, he's going to snooze away his marriage at this rate.

You are an active outgoing person, this is just going to get too miserable and lonely for you. Would he agree to planned activities? So if he knew you were both having a day out, a walk, or whatever? Or would he join a hobby with you? I think all marriages benefit from.shared interests.

Oblomov24 · 07/08/2024 07:54

Dh and I love a weekend afternoon doze, a 'siesta'. Always have one on holiday.

mitogoshi · 07/08/2024 07:55

After 12 hours out of the house i would be tired too. I don't l ave for work until 8.30am and by 8.30pm I'm tired and dozy!

Kebarbra · 07/08/2024 07:57

He's getting older and works long days. Sure if he's concerned he should get checked out but this doesn't sound that unusual.

mitogoshi · 07/08/2024 07:58

I should add we do go out on weekends, go to choir once a week but I'm only out 6 hours a day, dp is only out 9. He's same age as your dh op.

outdamnedspots · 07/08/2024 08:00

OMGsamesame · 05/08/2024 18:13

Order your groceries online and do something else together on Saturday morning?

This. Simple.

Edingril · 07/08/2024 08:09

But this is not a car being spoken of buy a human 'get him to do this' but it is not a puzzle to be solved

If he is not bothered then stop trying to fix him and the other suggestions would make sense if he was a puppy not a human wiith his own thoughts and feelings

Yes I could have missed that he wants this fixed himself

You don't have to put up with it of course but I would be appalled if my husband was speaking of me like I am a project

EllaPaella · 07/08/2024 08:10

I work ten hour days and can confirm that they are absolutely exhausting and I'm ten years younger than your DH. Maybe he can compromise by having a long lie in on two of his days off and doing something with you at least one afternoon/evening of the weekend? If he hasn't always been like this it sounds like he's lost his Mojo a bit and is maybe even a little depressed.
Has he always been this way? Ultimately some people do just want their down time to be spent resting at home not doing very much. If so, you will need to continue carving out your own social life with friends and make plans without him. He can't expect you to sit around waiting for him to do nothing.