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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Can’t stop feeling miserable after argument with adult daughter

111 replies

Jynxed · 15/07/2024 11:47

My daughter lives abroad and I had a long standing arrangement to go and stay with her for a couple of weeks to help her with a piece of work. On only the second night there I was invited to a bar with her and some of her colleagues and the conversation turned to how an aspect of the work was carried out. My daughter thought I was being negative, she stormed out of the bar stating that she thought I was there to support not criticise, and the group turned on me. I had not meant to be critical and was devastated by this.

I went back to my daughter’s flat without her, and she came back very late after staying out with her friends. The next day was a day off and I left her sleeping and went off to visit a nearby town (after messaging telling her where I was going and when I would be back). I had a horrible day wandering around in the rain just staying out of everyone’s way. I returned just in time to meet her and her friends going off out for a meal, and I was not invited to join them. I sat in the flat alone too miserable to find anything to eat myself.

When she had not returned by bedtime I messaged her to say that I thought I should probably return home the next day as clearly this was unsustainable. I was using my precious leave all on my own with nothing but bad vibes around me. I was no longer useful or wanted there. I saw my daughter briefly before I left the next morning and she repeated that she thought I had been critical, but seemed to have extrapolated everything I had said on to the next level, and added in many things I had not said at all.

Two weeks later and I am still really unhappy and unable to get over this. I hate having to explain to people why I came back early, and I constantly feel that I am in the wrong place and should still be abroad with my daughter. I feel like I messed up and failed badly. I am so sorry if I said something I shouldn’t, but I didn’t start the conversation and really dont think I said anything awful. But the discussion seemed to go ballistic without warning or provocation.

My daughter and I have exchanged polite enquiry messages but nothing more. I feel that something I had looked forward to for ages has gone horribly sour and my relationship with my daughter has been badly damaged.

How do we recover from this? I am so upset .

OP posts:
Pldgy · 15/07/2024 11:54

The next day was a day off and I left her sleeping and went off to visit a nearby town (after messaging telling her where I was going and when I would be back). I had a horrible day wandering around in the rain just staying out of everyone’s way.

Why did you do this? This was your opportunity to talk to her to find out what was going on. It sounds like there’s a lot more to it than one comment.

Original poster
Jynxed · 15/07/2024 12:05

I thought I was doing the best thing. My daughter shares the flat with one of her colleagues and I thought I would be in the way. It’s a very small flat and after being out late I knew they probably wouldn’t be up till lunchtime so I would be sitting very quietly until then. I thought it would be easier for them if I took myself away to give them some peace. And of course I was also feeling wounded after the group and roundly berated me. Yes, it was more than one comment as it was a discussion around a topic , so the matter went back and forth, but it was only the one subject which was discussed.

OP posts:
CatrionaBalfour · 15/07/2024 12:10

I think the best thing would have been to talk it through with her, face to face, after it happened. You didn't, so you're going to need to video call her and get it sorted.
Something has made her very angry, or does she usually storm off? Just how critical were you?

Pldgy · 15/07/2024 12:13

I mean more than just that discussion. I think it is likely your daughter is upset about other comments/actions of yours, and has talked about it with her friends so they took the opportunity to give you a few home truths.

You are either curious to find out what has upset her, or you are more interested in extracting an apology from her, hence the sulking for a whole day in the rain instead of going home when you thought she’d be up and able to talk about it.

titchy · 15/07/2024 12:15

I'm curious to know what the work issue was - do you have more knowledge and experience of their work type? The fact that her colleagues rounded on you as well is telling.

Original poster
Jynxed · 15/07/2024 12:16

Ok, it seems like that was my big mistake, Thank you, I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing just staying out of their hair. They are all very tense, wound up and ready to explode at any moment because of the high pressure nature of the work, which was reaching its peak. With hindsight I should have deflected the whole conversation (which I can’t go into but related to employment styles and different UK processes). If I could rewind the clock I would have said nothing at all.

OP posts:
Pldgy · 15/07/2024 12:17

I mean, you threw the mother of all strops by flying home early, so you need to at least apologise for that as an initial approach.

harriettenightingale · 15/07/2024 12:19

My mum and I spend a lot of time together for various reasons, she also lives abroad, and we frequently rub each other up the wrong way (fault on both sides). She's threatened to walk out and leave my house before when she has been staying with me and luckily has calmed down and we've talked it through and made a truce and effort on both sides as I think it would be difficult to come back from for both of us. We still both think the other one is unreasonable though Grin I think you will need to apologise if you want to mend the relationship, it was a bit extreme to just go home.

maudelovesharold · 15/07/2024 12:22

Pldgy · 15/07/2024 12:17

I mean, you threw the mother of all strops by flying home early, so you need to at least apologise for that as an initial approach.

Why should the op have stayed when she was being made to feel uncomfortable and unhappy? It sounds like her dd was using the op as a punchbag for her stressful job situation. If this was a partner or friend everyone would be advising the op to get the hell out and not be a doormat.

CatrionaBalfour · 15/07/2024 12:24

Yes, even though you made a mistake (I have no idea how bad) it does seem unreasonable of them to round on you. Their levels of stress are not an excuse. Try to pour oil on troubled waters, though.

Original poster
Jynxed · 15/07/2024 12:26

No, I don’t want an apology, I want to be on good terms with my daughter again. She doesn’t normally storm off, but I think the topic hit a nerve. I certainly didn’t think at the time I was saying anything too bad, as it was about processes and standards, not about any person or action. But clearly it did not come across that way. I agree with what you say and now understand that it would have been better to have talked it through the next day rather than absenting myself. The colleagues turned on me as they could see my daughter was upset and were supporting her. I left (didn’t involve flights) because I thought they would no longer want to work with me.

OP posts:
Stainglasses · 15/07/2024 12:28

I really feel for you, OP.

Repairing this relationship is going to be work and you need to let your daughter know that you want to talk to her. First of all listen to her to hear her side of the story. But you must bite your lip and not argue your case until you have really truly listened to her.

Pldgy · 15/07/2024 12:29

maudelovesharold · 15/07/2024 12:22

Why should the op have stayed when she was being made to feel uncomfortable and unhappy? It sounds like her dd was using the op as a punchbag for her stressful job situation. If this was a partner or friend everyone would be advising the op to get the hell out and not be a doormat.

Show quote history

Can’t see anything about OP being used as a punchbag?

Pldgy · 15/07/2024 12:31

Jynxed · 15/07/2024 12:26

No, I don’t want an apology, I want to be on good terms with my daughter again. She doesn’t normally storm off, but I think the topic hit a nerve. I certainly didn’t think at the time I was saying anything too bad, as it was about processes and standards, not about any person or action. But clearly it did not come across that way. I agree with what you say and now understand that it would have been better to have talked it through the next day rather than absenting myself. The colleagues turned on me as they could see my daughter was upset and were supporting her. I left (didn’t involve flights) because I thought they would no longer want to work with me.

So what are you going to do to be on good terms with your daughter again? You upset her, you still don’t know why.

MonsteraMama · 15/07/2024 12:36

Hmmm, this sounds like an explosion I had with my mam a few years ago. It's because she spent my entire childhood and teenagerhood criticising everything I did, then if I ever pulled her up on it she'd act the victim until I smoothed things over. I eventually blew my top on her as an adult when alcohol was involved when she chose to criticise me again in front of a group of family friends. She too then spent the next few days moping about like Sad Tigger, not eating, and acting like a victim. I ignored her because I was just completely done with her shit at this point and refused to be the one to smooth it over again.

I'm not saying that's exactly what's happened here, but the parallel is pretty uncanny. Have you been prone to criticise your daughter a lot, or expect a lot from her over the years? Really look inside yourself before you answer, it took my mam a LOT of time to even realise what she'd been doing was criticising. She didn't even realise she was doing it.

I'm not trying to make you feel worse but the fact that your daughter has gone relatively silent and appears to be happy to not do anything to try and repair this just makes me feel like this could be a "straw that broke the camels back" situation for her.

Whataretalkingabout · 15/07/2024 12:38

I think you were wise OP to leave and let the storm blow over. No good can come while emotions are high. You need to ask your daughter when it is convenient to talk. Do this on her terms. Be sure to apologize without buts and excuses. Then listen while keeping your mouth shut. Focus on your daughter's needs, not on being right.
Mixing work with family can cause increased stress. I recommend not working with your daughter anymore to preserve your relationship.

BarHumbugs · 15/07/2024 12:39

You need to think about why you upset her, are you often critical? I would be quite hurt if my mother was critical of me then avoided me the next day but when I had the audacity to do the same in the evening she throws a hissy fit and tells me her time is too precious to waste on me and leaves. Have you even apologised?

MultiplaLight · 15/07/2024 12:41

This really is bizarre. What were you saying that could have upset her that much?

How old is she? (early 20s can be different to mid 40s in attitude/outlook).

I'd apologise and try to open up a conversation about your behaviour and listen listen listen to everything she says.

Original poster
Jynxed · 15/07/2024 12:43

I clearly need to have a safe space conversation with her and apologise (again) for upsetting her and her colleagues. As in most of these situations there is fault on both sides and a huge amount of misunderstanding and miscommunication. I think she wanted her mum to see how brilliantly she was doing, and a single negative observation has wiped out all of the other comments I made about what a great job she was doing. I think I was in an awkward position of being experienced person come to help, which requires a critical friend, but also mum, who should admire without limits. I obviously got the position wrong. I absented myself the next day and then went home because I thought they did not want me around. It seems that was also a mistake, but I don’t see how I could work with them if I had made them angry enough to not be willing to eat with me. I would do anything to rewind the clock.,

OP posts:
MultiplaLight · 15/07/2024 12:46

Were you there to support with work? That seems quite an overstep to be working with her colleagues as her mum.

Pldgy · 15/07/2024 12:49

Jynxed · 15/07/2024 12:43

I clearly need to have a safe space conversation with her and apologise (again) for upsetting her and her colleagues. As in most of these situations there is fault on both sides and a huge amount of misunderstanding and miscommunication. I think she wanted her mum to see how brilliantly she was doing, and a single negative observation has wiped out all of the other comments I made about what a great job she was doing. I think I was in an awkward position of being experienced person come to help, which requires a critical friend, but also mum, who should admire without limits. I obviously got the position wrong. I absented myself the next day and then went home because I thought they did not want me around. It seems that was also a mistake, but I don’t see how I could work with them if I had made them angry enough to not be willing to eat with me. I would do anything to rewind the clock.,

So you’ve already decided you know what the problem was? And that you didn’t really do anything wrong? “single negative observation”.

Also “apologise (again)” - I don’t know if you realise this, but you haven’t mentioned apologising to her once previously in this thread.

PiggieWig · 15/07/2024 12:49

Jynxed · 15/07/2024 12:26

No, I don’t want an apology, I want to be on good terms with my daughter again. She doesn’t normally storm off, but I think the topic hit a nerve. I certainly didn’t think at the time I was saying anything too bad, as it was about processes and standards, not about any person or action. But clearly it did not come across that way. I agree with what you say and now understand that it would have been better to have talked it through the next day rather than absenting myself. The colleagues turned on me as they could see my daughter was upset and were supporting her. I left (didn’t involve flights) because I thought they would no longer want to work with me.

Have you said all this to her? I think it would be the first step to getting things back on an even keel.

MounjaroUser · 15/07/2024 12:50

Can you give us an example of what happened using a different type of job?

CatrionaBalfour · 15/07/2024 12:51

Yes, it's hard to advise without knowing a bit more.

Newgirls · 15/07/2024 12:53

You embarrassed her in front of work colleagues and then left in a strop. You need to apologise and keep apologising without self justification.