Can’t stop feeling miserable after argument with adult daughter

[Jynxed]

My daughter lives abroad and I had a long standing arrangement to go and stay with her for a couple of weeks to help her with a piece of work. On only the second night there I was invited to a bar with her and some of her colleagues and the conversation turned to how an aspect of the work was carried out. My daughter thought I was being negative, she stormed out of the bar stating that she thought I was there to support not criticise, and the group turned on me. I had not meant to be critical and was devastated by this.

I went back to my daughter’s flat without her, and she came back very late after staying out with her friends. The next day was a day off and I left her sleeping and went off to visit a nearby town (after messaging telling her where I was going and when I would be back). I had a horrible day wandering around in the rain just staying out of everyone’s way. I returned just in time to meet her and her friends going off out for a meal, and I was not invited to join them. I sat in the flat alone too miserable to find anything to eat myself.

When she had not returned by bedtime I messaged her to say that I thought I should probably return home the next day as clearly this was unsustainable. I was using my precious leave all on my own with nothing but bad vibes around me. I was no longer useful or wanted there. I saw my daughter briefly before I left the next morning and she repeated that she thought I had been critical, but seemed to have extrapolated everything I had said on to the next level, and added in many things I had not said at all.

Two weeks later and I am still really unhappy and unable to get over this. I hate having to explain to people why I came back early, and I constantly feel that I am in the wrong place and should still be abroad with my daughter. I feel like I messed up and failed badly. I am so sorry if I said something I shouldn’t, but I didn’t start the conversation and really dont think I said anything awful. But the discussion seemed to go ballistic without warning or provocation.

My daughter and I have exchanged polite enquiry messages but nothing more. I feel that something I had looked forward to for ages has gone horribly sour and my relationship with my daughter has been badly damaged.

How do we recover from this? I am so upset .

Would you have announced your done decision to leave via text, without ever having spoken about it with her though? Especially when the work apparently required her assistance for 3 weeks rather than the one day she did. The OP suddenly leaving with no notice must surely must have had some impact, especially as it was considered important enough for the OP to leave her paid job to do it.

Ooookay.

Anyone familiar with narcissistic behaviour patterns will see lots of clues. The person who turns up to help in difficult times but ends up needing to be looked after and centred and is so deeply distressed when they're not that they can't find it in themselves to go to the kitchen to find something to eat. The person who flounces out leaving her DD without support saying 'As I'm not wanted here I'm off' but then posts here about how devastated she is that her DD's not tried to make things up. The person who says 'Well, maybe I was wrong to say what I did — although I can't really see that I said anything so dreadful — but I know I was right.'

I was lucky enough not to have narcissistic parents, but I know people who do and they'd tell you this is classic narc behaviour.

Absolutely, my mam is a true narcissist. I’ve been low contact since 19 (I’m 36 now) and I only maintain that for my dad’s sake. It’s so weird realising new things every few years that she did or said that was so wrong but I didn’t know wasn’t normal at the time.

I agree with this, as a mum in my 50s with a mid-20s daughter living overseas I know you must feel devastated - mother/daughter relationships can be difficult.

Sorry you shouldn’t have left in a huff and should have stayed and tried to repair things there. It was a bit childish of you 🤷‍♀️
It could have blown over after few days after both of you had a chance to calm down

Frankly, mother and daughter sound like they’re cut from the same cloth and both as bad as each other - immature, over-reacting, dramatic, self centred, petulant, unable to see their own errors.

OP if you were there to give some kind of professional support and you stand by the opinion you shared, then I really don't see that you have anything to apologise for. Your DD seems to have treated you appallingly. Her colleagues similarly. Sounds cliquey, so not surprising they're all over the place with regard to planning.

You gave up your annual leave to help. Your daughter could not take the feedback that she had invited you there to give, dumped you, did not invite you to dinner. I think she should be the one apologising. Her feelings were hurt, your annual leave and holiday ruined. Hmmm.

Gosh this was exhausting reading all the "I" comments you made. Then the good old sad sack manipulative walking around in the rain to avoid her the next day. No wonder you weren't invited to dinner. Then instead of resolving, packed your bags and went off with a victim mentality. My goodness, surprised she hasn't had enough of you sooner. It takes a lot for colleagues to turn on a colleagues parent regardless of cultural background. Your lack of self awareness has been outstanding in this thread. Can't navigate difficult conversations as you might set your daughter off or wish you hadn't of said anything. Someone needs to look at how to communicate better. You can have differing points of view without a whole group turning on you. Poor daughter, the mother has a martyr and condescending smug tone. No wonder she is in a different country. They always say children vote with their feet in response to childhood. Good luck to the daughter, this was exhausting to read.

Without knowing the exact details of why the OP went to help the daughter with a 'piece of work' and exactly what the OP said, and how the rest of them 'ganged up on her' with details of what they said, it's very hard for anyone to give any advice about this.

I say seems a little odd to me. One, a parent going to help an offspring with 'work' in their work setting isn't something I've come across in my entire life and the situation suggests that the blow up betrays something about resentment and suppressed feelings under the surface.

It also seems to me that this is the tip of the iceberg. More context and history needed of the mum / daughter relationship.

We only have a tiny, thin glimpse of a life - long relationship and we're being asked to comment on a slightly strange situation without any background. In other words I'd very much like to hear the daughter's version of events.

If your account of what happened is entirely accurate then it is your daughter who is in the wrong. You can’t ask someone for their help and then get angry if they say something that you don’t agree with. Yes, maybe she was embarrassed/upset about it coming from you as her mum in front of her friends… in which case she needs to either do her job just with her colleagues or ask for some formal professional guidance. You are allowed to be critical when you are asked for advice- if you’re only there to make positive comments then it’s pointless you being there at all.

We weren’t there though, obviously. If your daughter isn’t generally prone to overreacting about stuff then maybe there’s other stuff going on that you haven’t mentioned or thought about.