Can’t stop feeling miserable after argument with adult daughter

[Jynxed]

My daughter lives abroad and I had a long standing arrangement to go and stay with her for a couple of weeks to help her with a piece of work. On only the second night there I was invited to a bar with her and some of her colleagues and the conversation turned to how an aspect of the work was carried out. My daughter thought I was being negative, she stormed out of the bar stating that she thought I was there to support not criticise, and the group turned on me. I had not meant to be critical and was devastated by this.

I went back to my daughter’s flat without her, and she came back very late after staying out with her friends. The next day was a day off and I left her sleeping and went off to visit a nearby town (after messaging telling her where I was going and when I would be back). I had a horrible day wandering around in the rain just staying out of everyone’s way. I returned just in time to meet her and her friends going off out for a meal, and I was not invited to join them. I sat in the flat alone too miserable to find anything to eat myself.

When she had not returned by bedtime I messaged her to say that I thought I should probably return home the next day as clearly this was unsustainable. I was using my precious leave all on my own with nothing but bad vibes around me. I was no longer useful or wanted there. I saw my daughter briefly before I left the next morning and she repeated that she thought I had been critical, but seemed to have extrapolated everything I had said on to the next level, and added in many things I had not said at all.

Two weeks later and I am still really unhappy and unable to get over this. I hate having to explain to people why I came back early, and I constantly feel that I am in the wrong place and should still be abroad with my daughter. I feel like I messed up and failed badly. I am so sorry if I said something I shouldn’t, but I didn’t start the conversation and really dont think I said anything awful. But the discussion seemed to go ballistic without warning or provocation.

My daughter and I have exchanged polite enquiry messages but nothing more. I feel that something I had looked forward to for ages has gone horribly sour and my relationship with my daughter has been badly damaged.

How do we recover from this? I am so upset .

Yes I understood the metaphor, thanks 🙄

I meant that the only thing OP’s daughter has done is stormed out, doesn’t qualify as using her as a punchbag I think? If she had ranted and raved and vented all her pent up stress at her mum then yes, but that didn’t happen…

The poster saying about apologies is correct.

if you say ‘if I’ etc it doesn’t sound like a true apology. It just makes things worse.

apologise if you mean it. If you have to qualify or justify your actions it’s not a true apology - more you are fishing for them to make you feel better (that’s in general by the way not just the op)

Why didn't you talk to her ? Very odd behaviour

I'm sorry if you don't understand the difference between telling someone you're sorry you pissed them off and you're sorry if you pissed them off. Although the latter can be a genuine lack of understanding of the language, it can also be a sneaky way of diminishing the other person's feelings so it's not really an apology.

The thing is the OP believes in what she said. So she stands by her opinions.

I think however that she means she is sorry that she voiced them. She is sorry that she made the choice to express the opinions she holds because voicing them caused the breakdown in communication.

If she apologises she would have to apologise for the choice to view her opinions at that time and in that way, not for what the opinions actually were. She can apologise for not understanding or foreseeing what effect it would have on her daughter or the team. She could apologise for choosing to leave without having had a chance to clear the air and establish together whether they wanted to proceed together or not.

Exactly this ^

going on what the op has said the apology would be : I’m sorry we fell out. I got it wrong at the dinner and upset everyone. Can we be friends again’

No need to mention why she was there, daughter leaving, feeling sad the next day etc. Daughter might then be able to say her own words of apology but might not but op will have done her best

going on what the op has said the apology would be : I’m sorry we fell out. I got it wrong at the dinner and upset everyone. Can we be friends again’

I think that's the best approach.

Where did you read that she “threw a hissy fit?”

I didn't read it anywhere, it was a part of my hypothetical perception of a similar but also hypothetical situation. OP's daughter doesn't know whether her mother had a hissy fit but she might have perceived it that way, I was trying to show OP that sometimes our perception of a situation can differ from another's.

Thank you blablausername - that is exactly it. I am sorry that the subject ever arose, I am devastated that I caused upset to my daughter or anyone else, but professionally I have to stand by my comments as I believe them to be correct.

This sounds like a parable about not mixing work and family relationships.

You might well have been right about the work issue but leave that here. It won’t help your relationship with your daughter

In my work place there is quite a lot of toxic positivity, In some Teams you have to be very careful with challenging work and constructive criticism and there is a kind of passive aggressive overly polite verbal dance that needs to be done for a challenging point to be accepted, otherwise offence is very much taken. This seems to be particularly the case in teams with young, middle class people in the. Do you think there might be a workplace culture clash behind this disagreement, despite you having similar professions?

Sounds like you are both very hot headed and react too impulsively without really thinking things through. You should have stayed to resolve things instead of storming off home like a sulky teenager while it was all up in the air. It's much harder to make up over a phone than face to face.

That really wasn’t a strop. She was uncomfortable, deeply unhappy and obviously unwanted. I’d have left too, the daughter was so rude to her mother who had gone overseas at her request to help with her work. I fail to understand why these adults couldn’t agree to differ at the initial disagreement and the daughter could have had a polite word later. Daughter sounds awful.

None of US were there but the OP was literally the only person present who didn't think what she said was overly critical.

I wouldn't be giving up my holiday time and spending money to go and work for free tbh. You were asked for professional input and the response from the group was unprofessional. I agree the problem is saying whatever it was you said rather than nothing, but it was what you were asked to do. What if an issue arose that could have been avoided by you speaking up? It sounds a horrible situation.

Couldn’t agree more.

As some have said, it is probably a build up.
This may have seemed like an overreaction when it was probably an explosion of her having to deal with constant criticism.

Yeah, my mum has annoyed me over the years but I’ve never treated her like this especially not in a foreign country

I understand this, but what if her daughter was completely out of order and had a strop for a small thing? Do parents just need to apologise even if they are not in the wrong?

I agree in most cases that's true about "if I"
but I think this is slightly different.

Just guessing really but if the OP said something about the project, and the DD immediately interpreted that as critical of her, then I think there is something in "If I" because she didn't say it to deliberately hurt or demean.

So I guess if that is the situation, its probably better to express it more clearly... such as I'm sorry I hurt you.. that was never my intention. along those lines.. and it explains her view point..
It did sound like the DD flew off the handle. but that could be because the OP should have read the room. Its impossible to tell.

Overall.. I think the DD was asking a lot and the OP was trying to help, giving up time and holiday to do so.

The DD was in a professional situation and exiting in the way she did, leaving her DM siting there amoungst strangers was very immature. So was virtually ignoring her mum and going out to dinner with her flatmate the next day. It sounds like a full on strop, based on a comment the OP made, when she was put on the spot and asked to make it. It was churlish way to treat a parent who'd travelled to stay with you at your request, and I'm not surprised she felt she wasn't wanted to hang around for more of that treatment. It was very childish of the adult, professional DD.

I agree OP, make a proper apology but don't keep on apologising. Your DD needs to admit her part in this too.
Having said that we don't know what was said by either side.

But this isn't that situation.

The OP was 100% in the wrong.

I'd really love to hear your DD's side of things, OP. I'm approaching this from my vivid memories of being in my 20s. I'm trying to imagine any situation in which I would have expected, welcomed or have been able to bear having my mother come and share a small flat with me and my flatmates to 'help' with my work when we were all under terrible stress. I can't. And on the whole I had a good relationship with my mum and loved her very much. I just didn't want her encroaching too far into my life.

You entered DD's world, you said something that seems to have been regarded as unhelpful (putting it mildly) and then from their perspective you made it all about you by disappearing for the day and traipsing around in the rain being miserable. And then extra miserable when DD went out with her friends after you'd done your Greta Garbo act: that's how it would have seemed to her. Even if none of that was your intention, I can see how that must have felt to DD and friends.

I can remember being in my 20s, with every job new and demanding and everything an intense learning experience. Young people have to have space to develop their own lives and independence and to learn to deal with work and stress and friendships on their own. It's not something most people would ever involve their parents with. I'm trying to think of work situations when I was young where I needed an extra pair of hands and I can think of a couple (a conference event, a visit from a major dignitary) where my mum could have been useful running round on my instructions, assisting in the back room. But I wouldn't have welcomed her opinions or her telling me where I was going wrong, particularly in front of friends and colleagues. That would have been very undermining. No wonder your DD's colleagues rallied round and cut you out. I wonder what DD had told them about you before you arrived? It sounds as if they were anticipating trouble.

Did your DD ask for your help? Or did you offer because you felt she would benefit from your assistance? It's not the role of temporary volunteers to tell those running the show that they're doing things badly. It sounds as if you didn't know your place. And the generational divide must have made things worse. I'm sure you know your stuff, but would you have welcomed your coming-up-for-retirement mum turning up at work in your 20s and suggesting you weren't doing your job properly in front of your colleagues?

I'm concerned about the depth of your distress, because again it seems to be about making it about you and your desire for a good relationship with your DD. To me this falling out doesn't feel intractable: it will likely be something that will pass with time. I certainly used to have periods of not wanting to communicate with my parents when I felt they were interfering or being overbearing or treating me like a child. I also have a massive dislike of the old 'I apologise profusely for the way I said it, but I was right' line. It doesn't matter that you were quite possibly right. It wasn't your role as parent or temporary volunteer to say it — and particularly in front of other people. This is what you need to understand. The wise parent of a young person in their teens and 20s spends a lot of time biting their tongue and letting them learn by making mistakes.

In your shoes I'd send a simple 'I don't know what to say except how sorry I am' message and then let her take it from there. It may be that you have a few weeks or months of silence or grudging communication to sit out. Let her tell you when you're forgiven.