Managing estrangement between your adult children

[WGACA]

I’m an adult child estranged from my siblings and I’m interested to hear how other parents manage family occasions etc when two siblings/close family members cannot be in the same room as one another. At the moment, I don’t go to 100% of things and my sibling goes to all events for all of the time. I would be interested to hear from others how they try to stay ‘neutral’ and also the honest impact it has on them as a parent. I know my mum really struggles with it but selfishly my well-being is so much better without my siblings in my life. Would you want to know that it is unlikely that you will ever have your children at one event before you die (it’s been about 7 years I think.) I have told them that I doubt there will be any contact whatsoever after their deaths which I wasn’t planning to explicitly say. Have your adult children reconciled and if so how? I have been long-term estranged from my brother (favourite golden child) and I am working towards estrangement or going very low contact with my sister in the near future due to her breathtaking lack of sensitivity as I perceive it and extremely divisive partner. It is completely the right decision for me but I do feel guilty about the impact on my elderly mother.

You are so enmeshed in this abuse that you can't see it. Your parents are at the centre of all this abuse towards you. They're vile (as is your BIL).

Dump the lot of them and live your life. I guarantee it'll be a lot happier/better without any of them in it!

I thought my sister’s partner had eyes on their money as my parents have plenty but then to be fair to them so do they.

I would still think money is probably your Dsis's partner's motive here, I've met lots of people with money who still chase more, almost obsessively in some cases. That aside I agree with PP's that your parents sound utterly toxic and you would be far better off going NC with the lot of them.

You need to absorb and accept that you are the family scapegoat. This is not a situation set up by your DS or her DP but by your parents. It’s easier for them if the DP has you in his sights than for them to be his problem. I think some counselling would be a great idea.

You may not want to see this op, but this stems from your despicable parents, being elderly doesn’t stop them from being harmful. You have been too quick to blame your siblings, but they are also victims in their own way.

I would go very low contact to no contact with all of them. Get some profession therapy and work on how you can find peace and contentment in your own life.

You are being played. Your function is to provide toxic drama and entertainment for them. No one actually cares about your feelings or how awful this is for you. They will say op is the difficult one, it’s impossible for them to manage it all, and how they have to put up with you. All the while literally pouring petrol on to the flames.

They don’t love you very much or at all do they?.They don’t care that this situation really hurts you. You are just a piece in their chess game. Be prepared to feel very angry when the scales fall from your eyes and you see them for what they truly are op.

Thank you for taking the time to comment. I’ve had hundreds of pounds worth of counselling.

I agree with this 100%. My siblings are indeed also victims in a different way. Counselling has given me a lot of peace and contentment. I think my siblings are fine about the situation too. I am relatively low contact with my parents.

I refuse to call him that!

Your parents are the problem here.

You call in every Sunday though?
That sounds the total opposite of relatively low contact (which I'd see as once or twice a year) to me.

They do go on holiday a lot though so it’s only most of the Sundays that they’re here.

That still doesn't sound like low contact.

All get invited. Up to them if they come or not. Noone is left out of an invitation. No taking sides from us. Theyre adults they can sort themselves out

Yes, your parents are toxic. They participate in your abuse, from excluding you to actively supporting your siblings over you. Beware of getting sucked into any caring situation in the future.

I would scale back quietly to low-contact once or twice a year with the lot of them. I would also drop the gifts to nieces and nephews - you can't be sure they are being passed on or binned.

They treat you like a pariah. Fuck em.

When my sibling and I were NC (their choice) I refused to accept gifts for my kids or attempts at contact - I think it's bloody rude. We reconciled , funnily enough once I stopped allowing my parent to be a kind of conduit for relationships and spoke with them directly. Now we are close. All of us get on.
Two of my adult kids don't get on and I've definitely recognised my failings here because I've allowed myself to criticise them either in ear shot of the other or directly and I'm very aware that's a failing and actively avoid getting drawn in or allowing my temporary irritation to be verbalised.
However taking sides is a really crap thing to expect of parents unless it's a very clear issue.

Thank you for all of the new messages. This thread has helped me enormously and I’ve been better at disengaging. I’ve had a positive meeting in a cafe with my sister and her children recently too.

Your parents are true horrors.
You have been reared to be abused emotionally by them all.
Your parents have no shame, are complete liars and the less you see of them the better.
Get a better therapist as this one doesn't seem to be showing you how poorly you have been treated.
I think you will find their death a blessing and a relief.
Please mind yourself.

Dm doesn’t seem bothered although at 84 there are some query’s over her level of capacity and dsis will have told her a different version of events as to why we are nc dsis is financially abusing dm so there is coercive behaviour from dsis who is the golden child

I am lc with dm because of this which maybe unfair of me but I am hurt she has allowed this to go on

i think I would be heartbroken if my dc were nc especially at the end stage of my life as i would want them to look out for each other after I had gone but I suppose it depends on the reason why they have chosen to go nc

I'm sorry butbyour parents are the ones to blame here. They're obviously feeding stories to keep you all apart. Nomidea why, but looks that way and seems most people feel this!

Just seen your update - glad you had some time with your sister.

"My sister has said she is happy to see me with the children at a soft play or park when her partner is at work."

Is your sister's partner really abusive to her? It sounds like it. He's trying to control her and your parents and stop her seeing you. Maybe you need a way to let her know you would help if she ever tries leaving him.

This is me. My younger adult dc won't have anything to do with oldest dc. They actively hate him. He did something unforgivable. We don't forgive but accept.Christmas nearly ended up with younger dc getting kicked out by dh (or him leaving) because they wouldn't be there if he was. It was an awful mess. I was almost having a breakdown. We worked it out, it wasn't ideal. Younger dc don't want to know anything about him. Dc one knows he's fucked up and it's irreparable. Dreading this Christmas.

I’m also wondering that @BBCLW. Why won’t he let your sister and the children see you? Is it just you, or does he prevent her from seeing other people as well (I.e., is he isolating her)?

My mum is no longer really aware enough to understand the fine detail. She seems to get that my siblings are very different people and don't get along. That's such understatement it's hilarious. After a couple of tense but quite verbal disagreements there was a shouting match and now they don't really speak. We explain it to mum as her getting more visits because we each visit separately.

I dread the future, if mum needs care for example, as it's impossible to agree on anything, including the time of day.