Managing estrangement between your adult children

[WGACA]

I’m an adult child estranged from my siblings and I’m interested to hear how other parents manage family occasions etc when two siblings/close family members cannot be in the same room as one another. At the moment, I don’t go to 100% of things and my sibling goes to all events for all of the time. I would be interested to hear from others how they try to stay ‘neutral’ and also the honest impact it has on them as a parent. I know my mum really struggles with it but selfishly my well-being is so much better without my siblings in my life. Would you want to know that it is unlikely that you will ever have your children at one event before you die (it’s been about 7 years I think.) I have told them that I doubt there will be any contact whatsoever after their deaths which I wasn’t planning to explicitly say. Have your adult children reconciled and if so how? I have been long-term estranged from my brother (favourite golden child) and I am working towards estrangement or going very low contact with my sister in the near future due to her breathtaking lack of sensitivity as I perceive it and extremely divisive partner. It is completely the right decision for me but I do feel guilty about the impact on my elderly mother.

My kids are not estranged but they have definite limits to how long they can tolerate each other.

I don't really care. I'm happy to see them individually.

I am nearly in this position and it is difficult.

Eg we kept our silver wedding anniversary very low key, whereas it would have been nice to go out for a meal all together.

It's unavoidable really but you can give your mum positive experiences with you that give her enjoyment and shared memories and let her know what you value in her being your mum. I imagine she could blame herself.

I know she does blame herself. She thinks estrangement is for alcoholics or drug addicts not our kind of situation. My parents think reconciliation will be easy; I just have to start engaging and everything will be fine! All of my mum’s friends have perfect lives and she finds our situation embarrassing. I’ve always refused to play happy families even as a child.

The family narrative as I perceive it is ‘never be on my side/stick up for me, never listen to my point of view and remember I’m the bad one.’ My dad was talking to me about it yesterday and when I pointed out that it was my sister’s partner who wouldn’t allow me to see their children or even keep the gifts my parents pass on, he straightaway said, ‘oh no, it’s not him, I know him well and he’s lovely. It’s definitely you! I’m so shocked that you would even be able to utter those words about such a lovely man.’ He then said the words shocked about 50 more times to illustrate his point! My sister’s partner has told them that they can live with him and my sister when they can no longer live independently and he will personally take care for them until the end of their life to say thank you for all of the childcare. I think my mum now completely believes that this will happen.

My Dad also admitted they have a family WhatsApp group that I’m not part of. I’ve asked my mum this over the years and she doesn’t lie so just doesn’t answer the question. I asked him how he would feel if he wasn’t on a family WhatsApp group and he made some ridiculous comments to avoid answering the question honestly then said it wasn’t called ‘The Family WhatsApp Group’ so he’d be fine (then recognised he’d be hurt but had genuinely never considered this before.) He then said he could ask if I could be added (c10 years later!) but it was used to organise all of the events and holidays that I’m not part of!!! To be fair to my dad he does see me as part of his family and he has told me that he would like me to attend his funeral (he won’t have it that my siblings might not tell me about the death of the second parent.)

For a long time I was part of quite a dysfunctional family. (My exH's.). It was very important to all of them that appearances were kept up.

So they would have family meals out, weekends away, etc.

But concealed beneath that was an awful lot of unpleasantness. My MIL wouldn't or couldn't understand that one of her grandchildren (not mine) was severely milk and soy intolerant and would insist on providing food for him that wasn't free from milk and soy. My poor SIL had to manage the vomiting etc while dealing with an upset mil who would protest every time that she didn't know what she'd done. How she managed to keep being polite to her as beyond me.

There were other issues as well - FIL was very shouty which upset some of the grandkids, etc etc.

But it was very important that appearances were kept up.

Now, I'd rather have a real relationship with my kids on a basis that they and I are happy with than coerce them into going to big family occasions where everyone gets stressed and no-one has a good time.

My brother SA’d me at least twice when I was 8 or 9. I don’t think my dad knows, and I have no intention of telling him. I have seen my brother at family funerals and weddings since the day I chose to go NC. My mum died just after I got married in 1998, but my stepmum of 22 years knows because my husband told her, with my permission, and she is my ally in managing the situation.

My dad once asked if it wasn’t time that we resolved our relationship, and I just said that if we weren’t genetically related I’d have nothing in common with him, so why would I choose to spend time with him?

He also domestically abused his first wife who was my best friend at school, and I encouraged her to accept his invitation to go on a date. They were married for about 8 years and have 2 children and I encouraged her. 😖😢

I would never kick up a fuss if he and I were both going to be at an event, but I’d really rather not. I haven’t seen him since my stepsister got married in 2021. This is good.

From reading your second post @WGACA I’d just go NC with all of them , parents included .

Yes, your parents are at the root of this and are lucky you still want to see them!

both my parents were estranged from one or more siblings, at different times. One was LC with their parents. iMO from observations from two generations down, the root of it was my GPs’ poor parenting. The GPs all kind of brushed over it. Family gatherings were rare but attended by all but one sibling, most of the time, and everyone behaved politely.

They are elderly now and I do genuinely enjoy spending time with them (separately mainly!)

That’s an interesting observation. I do think about my parents’ respective parts in this as I really only have their word about things (although I have never known my mum to lie.) My dad has always been big on the emotional blackmail but I’ve had extensive counselling (paid for by my mum?!) and I’m immune to that now and will call him out on that.

A small example is my mum told me that my sister’s partner was upset that I’d parked in ‘their’ space on my parents’ drive and did not want me to ever park there at any time. My dad then told me it was my sister who was upset about it but then when I said mum said it was him, they both changed their story to both of them said they had a problem with it. He has done things like organise for my parents to meet his parents on my birthday so I wouldn’t be able to see my parents for long on my birthday. He’ll also ask my parents for childcare if he gets wind that they’re due to spend time with or help me (I rarely ask) so that they will cancel me.

I have repeatedly asked my mum if they bin my gifts, give them to charity or let the children have them and she won’t ever answer. I’m just wondering as my preference would be that they regift them obviously. I know they try to keep things I gift at their house so the children can play with them there. My sister doesn’t acknowledge gifts I send even when I send her what she’s asked me to buy them. Interestingly, my mum said my sister hated the latest gift as she already had one and she wanted me to return it but she did in fact say thanks for this one so I was confused! I’ve tried to send thoughtful gifts in the past but when I send a nice but pretty standard gift because they’re not usually acknowledged and may be going in the bin that’s the one that gets acknowledgment!

your parents don’t come across at all well in your last post.

your DB doing those things is obviously crap, but your parents made their own choices, and let you down. Your parents also, seemingly, made him the ‘golden child’ and shit stir a lot!

That’s a really interesting perspective thank you. Yes they absolutely should have said that it was my birthday and could he pick one of the other 364 days available please! If I say, it’s no coincidence that my sister’s partner asks to borrow their car on the exact morning he discovers that my Dad is due to be taking me to get my car repaired (the only sort of rare occasions when I ask for help) they just won’t have it! My mum just says my dad is elderly and he gets confused if I try to address it.

How does this impact on your parents?
I actually get on fine with my siblings but it's been many years since parents, siblings and our partners had a whole family meet up. We have different lives, live in different places, jobs give different schedules, family commitments. We all see our parents individually, and see each other individually, all at different times.
Wouldn't that be ok for your parents? You don't need to have a relationship at all with your siblings if you don't want to but that shouldn't stop you having the relationship you want with your parents.

I would go NC too. Life's too short, it sounds like you are the whipping boy.

My dad said my mum will find it embarrassing when my aunty or her friends come to stay and she has to coordinate them seeing each of us separately. I have no issue with seeing them separately and if there’s only time to see them and not me then I just accept that. Any family occasions, I just don’t go and let everyone else get on with it so there’s no drama. I genuinely don’t like groups of about more than 4 anyway!

I only really go round there on a Sunday lunchtime now so it’s not like I’m always there stopping my siblings from being there. One time my mum forgot to tell me her grandchildren were there and I turned up as usual. I stayed briefly then was on my way out when my sister and her partner pulled up and my mum panicked and blurted out, ‘You’re parked in their space!’ If they’d have been prepared to wait all of 10 seconds I would have been gone and they could’ve had ‘their’ precious space. My parents’ drive can accommodate 3 cars easily so it’s not like it was a huge inconvenience for them. I didn’t know they were coming and when I told my mum she forgot to cancel me that day she denied that I come over every Sunday automatically without confirming first. She said she had no idea I’d be popping in that day! I calmly said yes I do come virtually every Sunday and if I can’t come or I’m running late I text. My dad stuck up for me which annoyed my mum as it goes against the ‘family code!’ She also told me my nephew dislikes me (well of course he’s going to!)

My dad said there was once a diary clash so my dad had to stall me in the coffee shop until my mum text to say my sister had left so they wouldn’t know I was coming over and they found it stressful. This kind of thing would happen rarely. It just happened to be a day off for me so my dad invited me for lunch and my mum had already invited my sister for lunch.

My sister has said she is happy to see me with the children at a soft play or park when her partner is at work. My dad says I’m selfish making her drag the kids out and should be seeing them at their house. Any arrangements between me and her have nothing to do with them. If leaving the house to meet me is too big an ask then so be it.

I’m finding everyone's comments really interesting and helpful, thank you.

I went fully NC with a whole side of my family and I can honestly say it was unsettling, I needed a lot of good therapy but it changed my life. Now I am much happier.

The more you say about them the more I get the impression that your parents are getting some kind of perverse pleasure from this

Your parents behaviour towards you is horrible.

Your parents don’t come across well here.

Your parents seem very odd and it seems to me that your mother lies all the time.

I come from a messed up family and am nc or lc with several members, some willingly and some less so. I focus on my own dc now and that suits me.

My observation is that you have been very poorly treated by your parents.

It is all very odd. Do you think that they are being pressured by the other side to stay away from you? Drop her if you want to see your grandchild sort of thing? Come live with when you are older and make sure that is reflected in your will.

I do worry about that. I think if they do go to live with them I won’t be able to see them anymore but I’ll just have to accept that. I just can’t see them actually taking on that level of caring responsibilities though. Objectively, I’m the most caring child they’ve got! I thought my sister’s partner had eyes on their money as my parents have plenty but then to be fair to them so do they.

People’s responses have been very helpful and thought provoking. Thank you.

I wouldn't want a relationship with liars and gaslighters regardless of who they are.