Hurt at being the afterthought again, or am I over sensitive?

[NameChanged4444444]

Adult son (25yrs) lives about 5 minutes drive away with his lovely, long term GF. He lived with me while at uni and all through covid, but spent most of his time in his room or round at hers, including eating and spending most nights there. (not in lockdowns!) I'm single so it was just me and him.
He is perfectly friendly and chatty when I do see him/them but I feel I am always put second to GF's parents, who live about 2 minutes walk away from me.

egs. the last few Xmases; he wants to come here for Xmas lunch but it has to be at a time to suit him going to visit GF's extended family, and there is no way that she would come to me instead of being with her family. He now just visits in the morning. Or, they have Sunday lunch with her parents most weeks, or, he will tell me all about how he helped her parents do decorating or gardening, and he goes shopping and does odd jobs for GF's grandma. I can't remember the last time he helped me out even though I am doing lots of decorating and sorting in order to sell the family home. They also go on a lot of weekends away, often abroad, but I never hear about anything until maybe weeks later. We often go to the same parkrun but he will never they'll be there if I text him, and I might see them on the day but I just get a wave and a 'see ya' afterwards.

I have been accused of being unwelcoming to the GF because I once, about 5 years ago when they'd only been together for a few months, asked if he could come and have a meal with me and his older brother who was visiting from Uni without her. I just felt I never saw him without her. (And she is lovely and I like her a lot, but I just want to see my two boys alone sometimes!)

Occasionally we meet for a coffee out somewhere, or he/they will come here to pick up post but rarely stays for a coffee and a chat. Any invitiations on my part to come for tea are met with 'yeah, I'll be in touch' type responses.

The latest, which has prompted this post was getting a text at 10:30 last night asking if I was free today. I replied, 'probably, why?' (I had a loose arrangement to maybe go for a walk with a friend) Then this afternoon at 5:30 I got a repsonse from him 'I was going to see if you wanted to meet for a coffee but it doesn't matter now'. Was I in the wrong for not contacting him this morning and arranging my day around them?

AIBU to feel hurt that yet again I am just an afterthought? Should I be making more effort to be part of their lives even though I just get the brush off most of the time?

Have a conversation with him. Not allegations just asking to reset and build your relationship.

In all honesty, dh rarely sees his mum without me too - we’ve been together since I was 19. My parents probably see us more too (they invite us and make an effort). Can you invite them? Or ask for help with jobs?

Tbh, when my mum responds with things like ‘probably’, it always feels dismissive and lacks enthusiasm. You would have been better off saying you had a loose arrangement with your friend to go for a walk but nothing was set in stone.

I totally understand how you feel with everything, though, but I think you need to be more proactive and communicative. Tell him you would like him and his gf to visit for dinner on a certain day. Make specific plans.

Re Christmas, I think it’s easier for one person to fit in around everyone else than it is for everyone else to fit in around one person.

He is very inconsiderate to say the least.
However, I think if you make a big deal of it things will only get worse.
I would try and brazen out with humour - the text that you had late at night leaving you dangling - Good job I wasn’t gasping for a brew! Let’s sort dates out in advance haha ( or something like that)

When he mentions that he has been away for the weekend you could try asking the right question. Don’t ask why, that just encourages the other person to think of an excuse
So try asking - What is the reason we don’t go away for the weekend? Or What is the reason you can’t stay longer on Xmas?
Keep it light and don’t expand - and if there is a silence don’t fill the gap.

It would be interesting to see what he says - clearly what the GF wants the GF gets and you will be up against it to indicate that you know this.

It’s rubbish, it really is - but keep communication open and the interaction light ( easier said than done) equally live your life for you. Be active - it will confuse them to see you living your best life. This usually means people want to be around you.

Why don't her parents invite you around on Christmas Day? I can't imagine letting someone be on their own like that. Your son isn't being fair to you and if his girlfriend is still pissed off at that after five years, then she's got a lot of growing up to do.

So try asking - What is the reason we don’t go away for the weekend? Or What is the reason you can’t stay longer on Xmas?

Don't word it like this!!

Honestly, my DH is the same. Spends lots of time with/ helping my family and very little with his own. Always plans xmas around my family and often doesn’t see his mum at all, and if he does it’s for an afternoon only. The asking him to come without gf wouldn’t have gone down well here.

I have boys. I dread this. Mind you, i dread everything.

Do you think you are the afterthought because the GF makes the effort to see her parents and your DS hasn't twigged he is supposed to do the same?

Or because he is besotted and decided that her parents are clearly massively better than his own?

If the former, then you need to tell him that he's supposed to do what his GF does.

If the latter, wait for karma. BIL was famous for going on and on and on about how the parents of every GF he ever had were so much better than his own parents. Eventually he got married and moved near his wife's super cool parents. How we all laughed when all he clocked what they were really like and all his conversation became about how difficult it was coping with his wife's dysfunctional family.

My son is a similar age to yours, so I can relate.

First of all...Congratulations on raising a young man who is able to have a healthy relationship, support himself and be helpful and kind to others. You did something right there.

Honestly? He's acting like a normal 25 year old. He's asserting his independence which means he's not relying on mummy much anymore. Not too many men that age spend a lot of time hanging out with their mothers. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but it does mean you don't figure prominently in his day-to-day life anymore. You're going to have to accept this.

Since there's some lingering resentment regarding his girlfriend I'd try a different approach. Can you invite her out alone for lunch or coffee? Maybe ask for her help with your decorating project? Send a clear message that you like and accept her for herself, not just as your son's partner. She's more apt to consider your feelings if that is reciprocated.

Try to stay connected with your son by sending quick texts about something that might interest him. My son is a foodie, so I'll send a pic of a restaurant meal or something I've cooked with a brief comment that doesn't require a response (though I usually get one!). He does the same.

Your relationship is changing, it's normal, you're allowed to feel a little hurt but ultimately it'll serve you well to adapt.

So try asking - What is the reason we don’t go away for the weekend? Or What is the reason you can’t stay longer on Xmas?

This is...weird. Not too many grown men are keen on going away for the weekend with their mothers. And whining about Christmas sounds needy and frankly cringe-worthy.

Complaining, pouting, whining - this will push him farther away.

from experience

I could have written your post! I’ve tried talking to him but I just end up coming across as really needy. I’ve resorted to bribing them to spend time with me by taking them out for meals, as they will do that 🙄. Costing me a fortune!

You sound as though that pleases you @anicecuppateaa

Why is that?

Here some of my suggestions.

Create a family whats app group, include the GF in the group.

Get your calender out and plan a day a month you want to host a family meal or meal out. That once a month is a set date and they know them in advance And cant double book.

Reach out to the GF, invite for coffee or a bit of shopping, pub lunch, garden centre. 1 or 2hrs one on one time to get to know her and she feels included.

I imagine if the above is done, they would be more inclined to include xmas gatherings as your more in the picture.

It will also maybe help your son notice and do more one on one time with you

I wish my partners mum had done this from the start, but she never did, but did with the other sons GF.

I thought the same @BeaFuddled , that poster doesn't seem unhappy her family always come first.

It's not clear but are you just waiting for him to invite you to things/contact you or are you actively seeking out a relationship?

My DH was like this with his mum for a long time because he felt like she wasn't interested but this changed a few years ago and now he sees and talks to her regularly, with and without me. The difference is the result of her actively contacting him and being interested in what he's doing.

Also, I really get on with my MIL and I think that makes a big difference. While you say you like yours sons gf, it's very clear you feel you DS seeing her family a lot is her fault but he's a grown man and is making a choice.
Get to know his gf better if she'd be open to that.

Not at all. I’m embarrassed by it. We go to his home town and I make plans with his friends and suggest we meet his family. He usually says he doesn’t want to. We actually went this weekend, and I suggested he ask his sister to babysit (mainly to see dc rather than because we were desperate to go out), and he said no. At Christmas just gone I suggested he invite his dad and stepmum to my parents and he said no. My parents do a day of childcare a week and last time they were away, he opted for us to take holiday rather than ask his family to help (I suggested because I knew they would love more time with dc). I’ve suggested a family whatsapp to share photos etc etc. Maybe I wrote my original comment badly…I am trying my best to encourage a better relationship but it’s not working.

Thanks everyone for your responses.

@CulturalNomad Thanks you. I am ridiculously proud of both of my boys who, in my biased opinion, are both lovely, kind, personable people, despite being brought up by me!
I totally understand that I am not the number one priority of their lives, and I wouldn't want it otherwise, but I feel a bit like Woolworths in DS2's life - everyone liked to have it around and was really sad when it closed, but they didn't actually ever shop there. I do have a more easy going relationship with DS1 despite him living abroad for 2 years and now living in another city. He lived with me for a year after coming back from abroad and it was great - we took turns in cooking, went out for walks and watched crap TV in the evenings. When DS2 was here during Uni and covid it was like having a lodger who cooked his own food and came and went without letting me know and spent 95% of his time when he was here in his room.

I think I might have portrayed his GF in a bad light - she is not at all resentful or trying to exclude me. She really is a lovely young woman and we do get on.

Also, the thing about the weekends away - it is my son and GF that go away all the time, not that they go away with her family. What rankles is that he never lets me know, not that I'm keeping tabs on them, its more that you'd put it in the family Whatsapp (yes, we do have one!) in a casual 'we're off to Barcelona for a week' type thing.

We (DS2 and me) have talked about our relationship in the past and concluded that we both need to be better at communicating, although that can be easier said than done.

I do know that I can come across as stand offish and a bit weird, to everyone not just DS and his GF, but it comes from a place of shyness, insecurity and introversion not unfriendliness.

I suppose her family are just more interesting than I am.

It seems to be a man thing. I see a lot of my gc and therefore my DS, because my lovely DIL is very kind and family orientated. I’m not sure I’d see a great deal of him without this (and the fact that I help out when asked to). I hope I’m wrong but it does seem to be a common experience.

When you suggest they pop over for tea and you get a “yeah, I’ll be in touch” - do you actually suggest a day and time?

You both seem to prefer a “vague/hinting” style. In your case, perhaps this is because you don’t want to impose. But it just bats it back on the other person.

So when he said “are you free tomorrow?” and you said, “probably, why?” it didn’t give either of you anything to go on. Can you try and break the cycle? “I’m free on the morning, might be meeting Alice at 3pm but could move that if needed. What would you like to do?”

It may be as simple as GF and/or her parents aren’t vague - “wanna do lunch Sunday?” “Yep, 1pm at the queens head?” “Could we make it 1230? Shall I book?” “Sure - thanks! C u then!”

Non-hinters get things done!

Yes I understand that it is easier to offer and respond with definite plans. But I am miffed about the latest thing because he messaged late in the evening and I responded at the time, and then he didn't respond again until the following evening. So he had all day to say 'do you want to meet for a coffee?' but chose not to. I know that sounds petty, and I could have got in touch but I'm a not inclined to because I invariably get a brush off because they are busy doing something else if I suggest something definite.

I always have to fit in with their plans which makes it obvious that I'm of little importance. And that hurts.

Do you think the more general point resonates, though, about you both being “hinters”?

Just looked back through min and DS's messages and they are mostly definite plans eg DS: Are you in later? Can I drop in and pick up that letter? Me: Yeah sure, I'm WFH today but going out for a run at about 5pm. DS: No probs, I'll be round before 5.

It was the massive gap between my response on Sunday night and him not replying until Monday evening that just brought up these feelings.

I suppose her family are just more interesting than I am

It's more likely that his girlfriend says "we're having lunch at my parents" and he says "ok". She makes the plans and he goes along.

Many of us (wives, girlfriends, partners) are the ones that make sure our MILs get nice cards, gifts and often visits because a lot of men aren't thoughtful in that way (unfortunately).

If she wasn't organizing these social things with her family it's unlikely that he'd be the one suggesting it.

Unless there is a bigger backstory here, then it sounds like a massive case of miscommunication and assumptions on both sides.

If you want the dynamics to improve then at some point someone has to take a bigger step and there is no reason why that cannot be you.

Generally speaking, people respond well to things like vulnerability, honesty, and being asked their advice/expertise. Being open/vulnerable is disarming and opens up conversation, while being asked advice/expertise is flattering to most people.

You say you are doing some decorating at the moment - this could be a really good opportunity. I would contact your son's GF - say you are in a real dilemma over something decorating related - eg. what colour scheme to pick, curtains, a piece of furniture, carpet, soft furnishings, a light fitting... whatever - and you would REALLY appreciate her input on it as she's got a really good eye for these things. Invite her to lunch or tea or whatever to discuss ideas. Just her. Discuss the advice you want... and also, use it as an opportunity to open up.

I notice you feel that you come across stand-offish etc; people generally respect when someone has self-awareness. So you could say something like - "I'm so grateful for your advice on this... and it's been so nice to see you today. I know sometimes I may come across as... (insert whatever you want here)... but please know it is not my intention and it comes from a place of my feeling xxxx (again explain the context)". Explain that you really like and respect her and would love to get to know her better. Don't be afraid to share a story about yourself or whatever - doesn't have to be too heavy - can even be funny or about an embarrassing or silly moment in your life - which to many people is a scary thing to do, but doing that is disarming to another person and can open up a really nice dialogue. You may well find you have things in common you didn't know about.

If she reciprocates with her own stories and/or seeking YOUR advice about something, welcome that and offer your feedback/suggestions in a positive non-judgmental way - keep it friendly and fun.

If the above goes well, then acknowledge that you have really enjoyed it and say you would really like to invite her and your DS to lunch or dinner... or perhaps go together to a show or something where there are definite dates involved. If she says she needs to check her diary, that is okay - most people do - but don't just assume it's a dismissal, and take into account that people are often forgetful or get caught up in things and honestly forget to follow up with stuff. Give it a couple of days and then call - say again how much you enjoyed the day you had - and follow up re arrangements for you all to get together.

If you've asked for her advice on decorating - and she has suggested something you like (wallpaper or whatever) - you could even use that as an opportunity to get together. Invite both of them to go shopping with you to pick out whatever it is and suggest lunch afterwards or something.

I know it sounds like it's all work on your side, but it's possible that they're thinking you're not bothered or don't need their advice/help. I'm a very independent strong person but that can be a double edged sword at times.

I'm also the first person to say "don't chase people" - but in this scenario, I don't see it as chasing, more a case of taking steps to break the pattern and create a new, better dynamic. If you open up a new dynamic with the GF then it may also do so with your DS.

If you try the above and/or other steps to shift the dynamic, are making efforts to communicate etc... and you get nowhere, then that is when I would say "don't chase" - find amazing things to do in your time, enjoy interests etc... By all means remain friendly and keep dialogues open, but if you are super busy in your own life, it is empowering and it will feel less overwhelming in terms of when, why or how arrangements are being made (if that makes sense?).

Sorry - I know this is long but I hope it helps.