Hurt at being the afterthought again, or am I over sensitive?

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Adult son (25yrs) lives about 5 minutes drive away with his lovely, long term GF. He lived with me while at uni and all through covid, but spent most of his time in his room or round at hers, including eating and spending most nights there. (not in lockdowns!) I'm single so it was just me and him.
He is perfectly friendly and chatty when I do see him/them but I feel I am always put second to GF's parents, who live about 2 minutes walk away from me.

egs. the last few Xmases; he wants to come here for Xmas lunch but it has to be at a time to suit him going to visit GF's extended family, and there is no way that she would come to me instead of being with her family. He now just visits in the morning. Or, they have Sunday lunch with her parents most weeks, or, he will tell me all about how he helped her parents do decorating or gardening, and he goes shopping and does odd jobs for GF's grandma. I can't remember the last time he helped me out even though I am doing lots of decorating and sorting in order to sell the family home. They also go on a lot of weekends away, often abroad, but I never hear about anything until maybe weeks later. We often go to the same parkrun but he will never they'll be there if I text him, and I might see them on the day but I just get a wave and a 'see ya' afterwards.

I have been accused of being unwelcoming to the GF because I once, about 5 years ago when they'd only been together for a few months, asked if he could come and have a meal with me and his older brother who was visiting from Uni without her. I just felt I never saw him without her. (And she is lovely and I like her a lot, but I just want to see my two boys alone sometimes!)

Occasionally we meet for a coffee out somewhere, or he/they will come here to pick up post but rarely stays for a coffee and a chat. Any invitiations on my part to come for tea are met with 'yeah, I'll be in touch' type responses.

The latest, which has prompted this post was getting a text at 10:30 last night asking if I was free today. I replied, 'probably, why?' (I had a loose arrangement to maybe go for a walk with a friend) Then this afternoon at 5:30 I got a repsonse from him 'I was going to see if you wanted to meet for a coffee but it doesn't matter now'. Was I in the wrong for not contacting him this morning and arranging my day around them?

AIBU to feel hurt that yet again I am just an afterthought? Should I be making more effort to be part of their lives even though I just get the brush off most of the time?

Gosh you sound a lot like my DM. I love her and care for her but if do anything she perceives as excluding her from my life it turns into an argument where she's tells me I don't care about her, I don't want her input, I don't like her etc. It's exhausting and off putting. I'm a grown up and have my own life and I don't tell her all of my plans all the time.

The vague texting is annoying but worth remembering you can't change other people's behaviour, you can only change your own. If you want firmer communication from DS, call him and ask what time he wants to meet. Or invite him over on X day at X time with lots of notice.

he was quite happy lodging here rent free while he did his degree but I'm not interesting/nice enough that he would spend an evening just hanging out with me, he would be on his Xbox with his mates or round at his GF's

You sound quite resentful of what is pretty typical
young adult behaviour. Very few adult men "hang out" with their mothers. They just don't.

I think you need to stop dwelling on what happened during Uni or lockdown or how your older son behaves differently. Deal with the present and improving your relationship with your younger son.

So many good suggestions here on how to get things back on track. Don't dwell on some fantasy relationship where the two of you hang out and watch Terms of Endearment together and have lovely philosophical conversations. Focus on keeping the lines of communication open and finding a way to form a mutually respectful adult relationship.

I do know that I can come across as stand offish and a bit weird,

Maybe her family don't come across that way? Maybe they are very plain and clear about what they want and when? Even asking for help? That in itself could help them to come across as warm and happy to see people. And might make it easy for your DS and his GF to go along with it.

Seems that you being more careful about saying what you want and giving less specific invitations isn't working very well with him. You need might to be more specific and concrete with your invitations (and responses). Try a proper Miss Manners invitation - I don't mean a beautifully printed formal invitiation card(!) I just mean an invitation ahead of time with a day and a time, place and activity.

Even for watching a film together "Let's watch X together after dinner, I've got a bag of popcorn, I'll wash up and we can start at 8?" Or did you expect him to come out of his room and sit with you without arranging it? My own DC wouldn't do that, but DC would occasionally accept and enjoy an invitation nicely baited with a snack.

You could ask for help with decorating? "hey you and GF come over on Saturday at 11, I'll make lunch and you can help me paint the walls"

I wonder if you and DS are just a bit too similar!

I'm going to sign off from this thread now.

I probably haven't expressed some things very well, but thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read and post with their thoughts and suggestions.

its Nice to bring families together. I think sons can be inconsiderate.
However we are lucky with our 3 daughters in law that we are included.
think it’s down to his gf to make an effort.
would it be out of the question for you to invite her parents for coffee or lunch, maybe just to break the ice
it’s rubbish feeling left out hope things get better in time ❤️